Automotive Heaven Can Wait

Last week I was in automotive heaven… and it turned out to be more of a pain in the butt than I’d anticipated.

Rick and Sandy (of Hand Crafted Images) and I were doing the photographs for Book 2’s updated cover.  Car buffs may recall that Aydan drooled over an Audi R8 in THE SPY IS CAST, and wonder of wonders, I got up-close-and-personal with a real R8 this week thanks to the generosity of Doug S. and the staff at Glenmore Audi.

As with most undertakings that involve me, there was inappropriate laughter.

The dealership is a pristine building featuring bright white ceilings and sleek grey floors.  Other cars were scattered throughout the showroom, but two Quattros crouched protectively beside the R8, their feral headlight configurations watching us like predatory beasts.

Yes, I was slightly intimidated.

At first we trod reverently around the R8, not approaching it too closely so our heated and unsteady breathing wouldn’t fog its gleaming paint.

We were completely freaked out at the thought of being close enough to damage an automobile that costs more than twice what I paid for my first house.  We checked and re-checked the tripods that held the backdrop, cringing at visions of the metal poles toppling onto the car.

At last we had the backdrops in place and the moment of truth arrived:  It was time to unlock the car.

Then I would strip down to my ignominious outfit of stiletto heels and gym shorts (because I didn’t want to wear a skirt and accidentally emulate the Basic Instinct leg-crossing scene) and… yes… I would actually sit in the driver’s seat.

That’s where the giggles started.  In the first place, a woman wearing makeup, gym shorts, and stiletto heels just looks ridiculous.

Also, this woman wearing stiletto heels looks slightly ridiculous anyway.  The R8 tops out at four feet.  In heels, I’m 6’-2”.  I towered over the car (and everybody else in the dealership).

The next issue was that the stilettos give me a 38” inseam.  Try stuffing those long legs into a car while holding your breath in case a lethal heel scratches something that costs more than your entire car.  But I managed.

In short order, the next issue surfaced.  The R8’s seats are set in quite far from the exterior body panels.  If I sat in the driver’s seat, my legs barely made it out of the car.  To get the shot we wanted, I’d have to perch on the rocker panel.

For the record, the R8’s rocker panels are not designed to comfortably accommodate a human ass.  (Nor a human posterior, for that matter.)

It got worse.  On the original cover, the model’s lips are parted.  It looks as though she’s pronouncing the letter ‘D’, and it’s supposed to look pouty or sensuous or something.

My pout looked more like ‘Duh’.  I stared vacantly into space, slack-lipped and clutching a cardboard cutout of a Glock.  I only managed a few minutes of that before dissolving into helpless laughter.  Thank you, Sandy and Rick, for your infinite patience!

But at last we packed up the equipment and vacated the premises with relief, leaving the fabulous car unscathed.  (Which was more than I could say for my aching ass.)

It was only afterward I realized that my butt was the only part of me that ever touched the car.  I never even put my hands on the steering wheel.

I guess I’m just not cut out for automotive heaven.

* * *

P.S.  Unedited proofs are always good for a chuckle.  Note my alter-ego in the reflection beside me:

My inner werewolf sneaks out when I least expect it…

My inner werewolf sneaks out when I least expect it…

38 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life, Writing

38 responses to “Automotive Heaven Can Wait

  1. And a whole new batch of fans finding these, all because you redid your website. What a hoot!

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  2. Pingback: Werewolf Porn Star | Diane Henders

  3. Avoiding expensive cars is always good advice. I sat in a Porsche two seater convertible once and needed the jaws of life to get out. You really must put more of those pictures on your blog. Looks more like a Leprechaun than a werewolf though

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    • Now that you mention it, it does look rather leprechaun-ish. That’s probably more apropos than a werewolf, considering my Irish background. Trust me, though, I’m not sitting on any pots of gold. (It seems to me there’s an off-colour joke about that, but I can’t remember it at the moment. Grr. Hate it when I forget dirty jokes.)

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  4. There is no such thing as inappropriate laughter.

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  5. How fascinating that your Inner Werewolf made an appearance, Diane… my Inner Zombie’s very impressed (I don’t think I have an Inner Werewolf!)
    Inappropriate laughter’s always good, no matter where it is…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have to say I enjoy inappropriate laughter, probably more than I should. And maybe you have an Inner Werewolf who’s just very shy and retiring… or perhaps you just need to look during the next full moon. 😉

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  6. Ok, who photoshopped the werewolf into the pic? Good one! 🙂

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    • Isn’t that bizarre? It’s just the right camera angle and the panel curvature on the car. That’s one of those things you couldn’t recreate if you tried… though I’m not sure I’d want to… 😉

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      • moondance4me

        LOL. Many years ago I had taken some pics with some friends along the beach in So. CA. All my friends knew of my love of all things Vampires and Werewolves. I wasn’t the only one tho. However, in one of the pics of me, next to several mirrors along the outside of the shower building, I didn’t throw a reflection in the finished pics! Lordy, the laughs and raised eyebrows and the taunting and the “I KNEW it” comments went on and on. Finally it was determined that because of the Sun reflecting on the back wall, throwing the light towards the mirrors, simply over rode the reflection of me. (by taking a magnifying glass and looking closely, you could just barely see an outline of a person…me!) For a really long time tho’ I suspected that my other “believers” in the Vamps and Were’s still held reservations as to whether I was, or wasn’t! Odd things happen with reflections.

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        • Ha! I love it! We have more in common that we knew: we’re both secret werewolves! (Or vampires, I guess, but I think I’d rather be a werewolf – that’s my preference for the outdoors talking.) 😉

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  7. That reflection — whoa. Remind me to bring my silver bullets if we ever meet in person. *grin*

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  8. moondance4me

    I happen to think Werewolves are super cool. I hear that some of them have adapted to the human side also. Vampires generally don’t reflect but they too are adapting. Zombies however, no, no redeeming features at all.
    Your photo trip tho’, that had to be priceless. I’ll bet the sales people beat a path to their computers to buy your books! Honestly, and I mean this truthfully, your present picture and the semi shots of the “other redhead” on the covers are close enough. I’m thinking a lip liner for just a tat of fullness and the rest is just fine. You’re a pretty woman, never even try to deny it. LOL, and totally believable as Ayden.
    Can’t wait for #10, your progress is great.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw, thanks! 🙂 I never wear makeup, so when I put it on for these photos I’m just kinda winging it. Photoshop will be my best friend. Gotta love a program that lets you fix your makeup without ever messing around in the mirror!

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  9. Holey cows! It just occurred to me that werewolves don’t have reflections! What does it mean, then, when you REFLECTION shows up as a werewolf??

    Gee, can I have your autograph? And can I do a selfie with you? In a mirror? I’m curious now as to what MY reflection will look like! 🙂

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  10. You definitely are the Emma Peel type.
    Me? I would prefer a vintage model Bentley or Rolls or Vauxhall, like John Steed.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ha, this is great. The lengths writers go to. Oh, how I would’ve loved to be at that dealership that day. As far as Chewbacca in your photo? That is perfect. Now if you ever write a horror novel, you’ll already have the cover!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Great post as always. As I read, I recalled the visual I got from reading the corresponding passage from the book.

    Yep, be glad it was only your werewolf that saw the light of day. 🙂

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  13. I was giggling at the description Diane. Good for you and again congrats on all your success, even if you are a werewolf. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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