Vampire Teeth

I realize Halloween is long over and Christmas is only a couple of weeks away. It’s hardly the traditional time to bring up vampirism, but this is something I just have to ask: What the hell is wrong with my teeth?!?

They look normal to me. I’ve never glanced in the mirror and recoiled at the sight of giant gleaming fangs springing from my gums. Yet sometimes my teeth leap out like feral animals and bite the mouth that feeds them.

And once they’ve gotten that first taste of tender mouth-meat, they attack over and over. Several times a day, for days on end; and no part of my mouth is safe. The inside of my cheek; my lower lip; even under my tongue right next to that piece of tissue that attaches my tongue to the bottom of my mouth. How can I possibly bite myself there? I can’t even close my teeth on that part of my tongue if I deliberately try!

(Digression: Apparently that connecting piece of tissue under our tongues is called the ‘lingual frenulum’. In my case, it’s more like a lingual frenemy.)

Anyway, after a week or so the biting spree ends; and everything goes back to normal. But a few months later, my choppers once again develop an inexplicable hunger for human flesh.

I’m pretty sure my teeth aren’t shifting around in my mouth every few months, nor is my jaw realigning. So the only explanation I can imagine is latent vampirism. Something must happen that impels my fangs to extend, and suddenly I’ve got brand-new tongue piercings.

If only I could figure out what awakens the fangs. It can’t be bloodlust caused by goodies like rare steak โ€” I can’t remember the last time we had steak. Nor can it be the phases of the moon: Vampires aren’t affected by the moon. That’s only werewolvesโ€ฆ


I just realized my problem isn’t vampirism after all. I’m actually a werewolf. Now that I think of it, there’s even a photo to prove it.

Dang. Looks like my tongue is doomed.

Book 18 update: I’ve been under the weather since my latest COVID booster, so no writing progress this week. I’m hoping to be back in action soon!

24 thoughts on “Vampire Teeth

  1. I’m just catching up with your posts, Diane… I think I’ve been away to the far side of Jupiter, that’s the only reason I can give for missing them!
    That biting anywhere inside your mouth phenomenon is actually quite common. I did it often with the onset of my Bell’s palsy, but for me that was always the same place being bitten – and it hurt! Lately, I’m biting myself as you are… and I’m positive I took a chomp out of the roof of my mouth whilst I slept the other night! I think these biting seasons are tied to the Moon’s cycle, ‘though not necessarily vampires or werewolves; I think our mouths shrink when the Moon is visible, but our teeth stay their usual size, which means things will begin to collide the more space is removed. Luckily, it isn’t permanent!


    • Aha! Shrinking mouths: A distinct possibility. And apparently you’re much more talented than I — despite my ability to munch on that inaccessible spot under my tongue, I’ve never actually managed to bite the roof of my mouth. Funny how the things we’re good at aren’t necessarily the things we want to be good at… ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So glad to hear other people than myself bite their cheek once in a while. As another commenter said it is when working on something that takes a lot of chewing. And sometimes when I am almost asleep my teeth will suddenly snap shut like a trap. I have learned to keep my tongue out of the way.
    When I was in Grade 12, I was hauled into Emergency with a deep cut over my right eye. My own stupidity. It looked bad and the nurse asked what happened. I live my whole life for moments like this. I said, “I bit myself”. She said, “How can you bite yourself on the forehead?” I said, “I stood on a chair”. They were going to let me bleed to death…


    • Hahaha!!! Yep, don’t irritate the medical staff until after they sew you up. Otherwise you might end up with something attached where you didn’t want it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      I’ve done that tooth-snapping thing just as I’m falling asleep, too. That definitely postpones sleep if my tongue is unlucky enough to get in the way.


  3. Love the werewolf picture….really cracked me up! I’m not sure what causes any of it, but last week I found myself constantly biting the inside of my right cheek when I was eating…..lasted most of the week and then nothing. I have had that before, but not for some time….now I know what the issue is….thanks for sharing!!


  4. Youโ€™re just a very hungry person who adores food. Your teeth get too excited and chomp everywhere in response, including your tongue and inside of your mouth. I can relate to that food-loving tendency. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I grind my teeth at night and that causes protruding and sore rims inside my cheeks every day. Itโ€™s a problem.

    Did you ever figure out what the werewolf reflection in that linked post of 2015 was from? So. Very. Strange.


    • Isn’t that reflection weird? The Audi was a very shiny car with lots of complex curves in its body panels, and it was just sheer luck that the camera angle caught a spot where it reflected my eye and part of my hair accurately but distorted the rest. It sure made me blink and take a second look when I spotted it for the first time!

      Tooth grinding is probably part of my problem, too; but I think you’ve hit on the true cause: I’m much too eager to eat! I guess it’s no surprise that my teeth occasionally lash out on their own. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Just speaking for myself, my teeth attack me when I eat something that requires a lot of chewing and/or moving the food around in my mouth, like salad or steak. And after the first time, the tissue where I’ve bitten myself swells a bit and causes it to be caught again and again. Or maybe I’m just looking for a logical answer when the real answer IS werewolf ๐Ÿ™‚


  6. I have said many a curse word over this very issue myself. If anyone has a solution please share, lol. With winter settling in here, vampire teeth or not, Andrews idea of heading to Hawaii sounds brilliant! BEACH!!!
    I hope everyone ailing feels better soon. Feeling sick is no way to spend Christmas. Peace!


  7. Both Lycanthropy and Vampirism are rare conditions that mostly effect the peoples of Europe and their descendants in North America. From the research I’ve done, neither condition persists in tropical regions and the conditions require long snowy nights to develop and thrive.

    If a werewolf moves to, say, Hawaii, in just a few months of warm weather, sun and long days, the whole transforming at full moon stops. Same with vampires – in just a few months, they’re eating pineapple, drinking cocktails with umbrellas and spending their nights surfing.

    So just move someplace tropical and the whole problem will just go away.


    • Ha! Brilliant! It makes perfect sense that it’s the snow and cold bringing out the worst in me. Every one of my cannibalistic teeth gave a happy little sigh at the thought of eating pineapple and drinking cocktails (with or without umbrellas) in the sun.

      I’m sure Hubby would wholeheartedly endorse your theory, too. Throughout the winter he regularly remarks in wistful tones, “It’s warm and sunny in Hawaii right now…” If he finds out about this, too, he’ll be packed and ready to leave in an hour. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  8. It is really rough when your own body attacks you isn’t it? And retaliating really isn’t an option. Sigh. Perhaps (just perhaps) if you attacked other people then your bored and under used teeth wouldn’t feel the need to practice on you…


    • Hahaha!!! I love the way you think! If not for the danger of being euthanized for rabies, it would be fun to test your theory; but under the circumstances I think I’ll wait and see if anyone else does a research paper on it. Not to mention Hubby might fail to see the humour, since he’s my most accessible victim. That could put a strain on our relationship. ๐Ÿ˜‰


  9. They’re kind of lazy werewolf teeth. I mean if they only wolf-out every 3 months or so. “Ok, if I shift once per quarter, can I still keep my Guild card? What about the parking space?”
    Love your stuff. Feel better!


    • Thanks for the good wishes, and for your comment that made me laugh out loud! (I’m still chuckling!)

      Hey, I didn’t realize this werewolf gig came with a parking space. D’you think they’ll give me a Guild card if I show them that photo plus the toothmarks on my tongue? ๐Ÿ˜‰


  10. Good afternoon, White Fang! ๐Ÿ™‹โ€โ™‚๏ธ

    I have issues with biting my lip, or the inside of my mouth with the molars, both while eating. And since the inside of my cheek swells up from biting it, I just bite it more. (I guess my mind just want to be sure I did a thorough job of biting it…?) I also get sores where I’ve bitten, and it takes about a week to break the habit and get back to normal. I do know my jaw is a little off-kilter, but I’m not sure if that has anything to do with it or not.

    We’re due for COVID booster #4 here as well. I’ve heard from others that it takes them a while to get over the effects of the booster, and yours is the latest account of that happening. Noted!

    Other than a truly miserable day today (involving yet another appliance delivery gone awry), not much else to report! I have to catch up and blog my last rally before I forget all the details…

    –Seรฑor Bicuspidor…


    • Hail, Seรฑor Bicuspidor! (Still giggling over that.)

      I’d say that I’m glad I’m not the only one with unpredictably feral teeth; but for your sake I kinda wish I were. There’s nothing like the ‘adding-insult-to-injury’ misery of biting yourself in the same damn place over and over. As one of my childhood friends used to groan: “Agony and disgust!”

      Hubby and I got the same booster, and his was completely uneventful — only an achy arm for a day or two. Apparently I just have to be the ‘special princess’ who detects the pea, not only under a stack of my own mattresses, but also under a completely unrelated mattress in a different building ten miles away. You’ll probably be fine. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      I hope your day gets better, and I’ll look forward to reading your next rally post!


  11. I was slow to pick up book 17, but in just a afew hours I was ploughing through, I’m hooked as always but I’m trying not to read too fast as it will be next year before we get then next one.

    My health hasn’t been great lately but plodding on, it’s early but merry Christmas to all xx


    • I’m sorry you’ve been under the weather, too — that sucks. I hope your health improves soon.

      It’s great to hear you’re hooked on Book 17, and I’m impressed that you’re pacing yourself. I’ve never been able to do that. I start with good intentions to savour a book, and only a few hours later it’s done. Sigh. So many good books, such a short reading time…

      Merry Christmas to you, too — I hope Santa is good to you! ๐Ÿ™‚


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