Whacking Off In All Directions

You know how sometimes everything goes out of whack and somebody says, “Oh, it’s because Mercury is in retrograde”?

Well, it’s been one of those weeks. With metaphorical tongue in cheek I was thinking, “Mercury must be in retrograde”… but when I looked it up on the internet, Mercury actually is in retrograde right now, from April 9 to May 3. And apparently Mercury rules communication.

Well, that explains a lot.

A digression: Now I want to name a band “Mercury In Retrograde”. Maybe Tyler Brock’s band “The Ballistic Rutabagas” will dissolve and he’ll start “Mercury In Retrograde” instead. It seems like a suitable match for his musical style (or lack thereof).

Anyhow, back to my original point.

I blamed the following miscommunications on poor cell phone reception, but now I’m beginning to think it was actually Mercury doing its chaotic stuff:

A few days ago I was talking to our project manager about moisture in our crawl space and telling him we’d rented some fans. He couldn’t seem to understand what I was talking about. After I’d repeated “fans” about five times, he finally said in tones of enlightenment, “Oh, sand! Okay… so, um…” The enlightenment faded and a dubious note crept in. “What are you going to do? Soak up the moisture with the sand and then sweep it up…?”

I thought he was kidding. “Smartass,” I said.

Silence on the line. Then, “No, really; what are you going to do with the sand?”

“Fans!” I bellowed. “FANS! ‘F’ as in ‘Frank’!”

“OH! Fans! Yeah, that makes more sense.”

*facepalm*

Later in the day I was talking to my step-mom and mentioned I was planning to do my taxes.

Another uncomprehending silence on the line. “What…?”

“Taxes. I’m going to do my taxes!”

“OH! I thought you said cactus.”

Another facepalm. (Also… ‘do my cactus’?!? Owie.)

But Mercury still wasn’t done with me. Hubby and I had to hash out a bunch of small issues regarding the house, and you’d think we were speaking entirely different languages. It was frustrating as hell, but we did finally manage to communicate enough to figure everything out. Then we relaxed with a much-needed beverage and the conversation turned to golf.

Hubby said, “Man, if the long-ball champions could put together any kind of short game they’d be unstoppable. Those guys are easily hitting it over 400 yards.”

And I replied, “Yeah, but a long drive is no good if you’re three fairways over. Those long-ball guys are just whacking off in all directions…”

Much laughter ensued.

So, yeah. My communications are completely out of whack this week, and maybe it’s Mercury. Or maybe the gremlins that live in electronics are whacking off in all directions and that’s what’s causing the problem. After all, it’s spring; and a young man’s fancy turns to…

Eh, never mind. I think that topic was pretty much covered in last week’s post.

…And my cell phone just got into the act again. I had an incoming call; tried to answer; and despite all my poking, tapping, and sliding (on the screen icon – get your mind out of the gutter), it steadfastly refused to pick up the call.

Mercury or frisky gremlins; either way it’s gonna be a lo-o-o-ong retrograde.

Is Mercury messing with you, too?

P.S. Just to add to the chaos, we’re moving again today; for the third time in three weeks.  Fingers crossed that it will be the last time before our big move-in to the new house!

36 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

36 responses to “Whacking Off In All Directions

  1. Pingback: Don’t Blame Mercury | Diane Henders

  2. I think Mercury should give you a break and cell phone coverage fairy should grant you magical wishes. Imagine how wonderful it will be when you move into your dream home. Big sigh of relief. Good luck with all the moving and yes hoping this will be it for a while.

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    • Thanks, Sue! Our plan is to stay in our new place until we can’t take care of ourselves any longer and have to move to a retirement home; and at that point somebody else will have to do the move for us. We hate moving, but this move still seems worthwhile even during the chaos!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Now you have to avoid not only sperm whales but long-ball golfers.
    I often think I am speaking/writing English to my readers/listeners, to whom I usually infer a modicum of intelligence, but when the comments come back, it is obvious I have been speaking Swahili or Sanskrit.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Jessica Bakkers and commented:
    Very few blog posts actually make me chuckle out loud. Dianne has an INCREDIBLE way with words and manages to make me do just this with every damn post.

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  5. I’m choking with laughter over here. Boy Dianne you have a way with words, Mercury infused or not! I usually blame the lunar cycle on my weird communication mishaps. “Must be a full moon”. Damn creepy how many times i’m right and it actually IS. Might be something in all this Mercury, Moon nonsense after all.
    PS: Whacking off in all directions is now my new favorite phrase.

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  6. Garbled communication–my husband is suffering the same lately. At first I thought it was just me, but my kids can’t understand what he’s saying either. They like to tell him it’s because he’s getting old. I think he’s just messing with us. Or maybe it’s because he often has food in his mouth at the time. 😉

    Good luck with the next move. Try not to pull all your beautiful auburn hair out in frustration!

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    • Hehe, I was just looking at your tweets in the sidebar. Looks like it’s been a while since you’ve been on Twitter. 😉

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    • Thanks, Carrie! My hair is still mostly intact, although there’s a bit of stress-shedding going on. 😉 Hubby and I have been married long enough that we sometimes zone out a bit when we think we know what the other is going to say; but this was ‘way beyond our normal, “Sorry, what did you just say?” And it was uncanny how it started exactly on April 9. I never believed in that Mercury stuff before…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sorry about *your* week, sista, but mine has been going pretty well for a change…which always makes me nervous. Just sayin’…

    Moving three times in three weeks? Holey cows, that oughta be agin’ tha law! Gee, that’s just WRONG.

    Soon, sista. Soon. Ish. 🙂

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  8. Kathy

    Since you are on the coast, you could blame everything on the eb and flow of the tides.

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    • That’s true, I could… but when we were actually living right next to the ocean everything seemed to work okay. It’s only since we’ve moved farther inland that the problems have begun. Hmmm…

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  9. Shellback3

    If you use the Copernican model of the solar system rather than the Ptolemaic neither Mercury nor any of the other planets will be in retrograde ever again! 🙂

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  10. jenny_o

    Shades of Stephen Leacock! I rarely “get” literary references so this made me giddy 🙂 As for Mercury, I just assume everyone else is going deaf when they misunderstand me. In fact, several of the people I am most apt to have a conversation with DO have hearing loss, so it’s not a big stretch.

    I do hope you don’t have to move again until it’s into your home. You must be getting so dang tired. On the other hand, you must also be getting so dang good at it. A second (er, tenth?) career?

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    • Erm, no. I loathe moving with all the fiery heat of a thousand suns. If I had to move more often than every 15 years or so, I’d be either in an insane asylum or in prison for committing mass murders. I’m leaning dangerously close to the latter at the moment. *takes a few deep calming breaths* Okay… I’m okay now…

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  11. My first thought was to suggest using sign language. However that might get a little awkward when it got to the “whacking off” part.

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  12. Wow this was a much needed laugh! Your posts always brighten my week, and this one certainty needed brightening. Talking of bad communications my WiFi is totally weird right now and won’t let me send any emails so thats going great – I had to try six times to send an email to my friend. All I was trying to send was so pictures of flowers to them for their art project. I’ve also had a run of great typos including spelling “around” wrong three times, and when it was finally right it was only because spellcheck gave a helping hand. However my spellcheck is being a pain and keeps turning “fuck” into “duck”. Maybe my spellcheck just has sensitive ears?

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  13. Well… THAT was a visual. XD

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