Don’t Blame Mercury

Last week I postulated that Mercury was causing my recent communication failures, but I’m reconsidering.  I think there’s a more pervasive issue here – maybe it’s something in the air.  (Hmmm, wacky tobacky?  I’ve seen a few Skidmark lookalikes out here…)

Anyhow, here are some captions that made me think, “Wait, what?” this week:

An inexplicable popup ad (I think it was on Facebook):

Is there an Anti-Makeup League?

“Stop makeup?” As in “Eradicate cosmetics from the planet”?  Which twice-daily activities of 50+ ladies could singlehandedly stop makeup in its tracks?  And what does Dragon’s Den have to do with either of those captions?

But regardless of Facebook’s supposedly accurate demographic targeting, the ad clearly wasn’t aimed at me – it’s common knowledge that I ain’t no lady.

And then there was this:

If there are children ON the highway, shouldn’t I stop?

The big yellow sign makes perfect sense without any further explanation:  Be watchful and reduce your speed because there may be schoolkids in the area.  Duh.

But no; apparently somebody thought the pictogram needed clarification.  They should have considered their wording a little more carefully, ‘cause now it looks as though there’s an optimum speed for running over children; like the signs they post at speed bumps where anything over 20 km/hr will rip out your car’s undercarriage.  I guess children are softer, so you can hit them at a higher speed.

Another thing that always gives me a giggle is the Accuweather forecast:

Now we know who hires the English majors.

In Calgary, any forecast that includes water falling from the sky uses one of two words:  “Rain”, or “Showers”.  Here, the forecast is quite creative:  “a touch of rain”, “spotty showers”, “a little rain”, “drizzle”, “downpours”, “periods of rain”, “patchy clouds”, etc.

Only a few weeks after we’d arrived, one forecast really made me laugh.  Accuweather had predicted “Downpours amounting to 2 inches over the next 24 hours”.

I thought, “Oooh, downpours!” and waited for the sky to open in a deluge.

But nope; nada.  Just the usual soft gentle rain.

By the end of the day I was snickering.  On the prairies where I grew up, it ain’t a downpour until you get 2 inches of rain in half an hour.  Now that’s a frog-strangler.  (But Accuweather hasn’t discovered that particular description yet – shhh, don’t tell them.)

From the above forecasts, you may be getting the impression that we’ve had a wee bit of precipitation this winter.

Um, yeah.  It’s a record year.  Even the locals are whining and bitching about it.

But I don’t care.  Yesterday I went down to the ocean and stood in the morning silence, watching the mist shroud the mountaintops and the calm water ripple against the shore.  Everything was the colour of silver and pearls, and a loon’s haunting cry drifted across the water.

It was sublime – even a 180-degree panorama doesn’t do it justice. (And it’s not stinky anymore.)

And, on a more prosaic but just as important topic:   Even the pizza is a work of art here.

They named it “La Principessa”.

Truly we’ve found heaven. 😀

34 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

34 responses to “Don’t Blame Mercury

  1. jono51

    Those kids on the highway are going to need to be pretty quick and agile. I always wondered what the optimum speed was for trying to get them.
    I stopped drinking mercury years ago, but it did make a good mix with scotch.

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  2. I stopped makeup in favor of Scotch and it has worked wonders.

    …and don’t blame Mercury, blame Uranus.

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  3. Wow! Your panoramic photo is gorgeous. I can see why standing there would be so peaceful. Enjoy and yes please stop rather than slow down if you see children on the road. 🙂

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  4. el Tea

    Back in the 80’s I worked for a wierd little company headed by an androgenous yet heterosexual couple in a long term relationship. At one point the woman of the couple came to me and told me that they both were considering getting “permanant makeup” tattooed on eyelids and lips. She asked my opinion. I told her I wouldn’t ever do it because firstly, I am afraid to let anyone with needles near my eyes unless they have an optical surgical specialty and I’m immobilized and hopefully anesthetized, and secondly, the idea of purposly injuring skin in such delicate areas and enduring the time it would take to fully heal would never be an idea I’d ever entertain, and thirdly, styles and colors in fashion are constantly changing, and I would not want to lock myself into colors and styles that are certain to date you in less than a decade. I’m still agast that anyone could be licensed to tattoo eyelids or the complete surface of lips or that anyone would willingly choose to pay someone to do this to themselves.

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    • I had LASIK surgery on my eyes without flinching, but if I saw a tattoo needle coming at my eyes I’d disclaim responsibility for any personal or property damage that might result from my attempts to escape.

      And even if I could get over the whole ‘unqualified person wielding needles near my eyes’ thing, I don’t trust anybody enough to let them draw something on my face that I’d have to wear for the rest of my life. Just… not… happening!

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      • Yeah, and how much valium did you have before your LASIK? I know I had enough to be VERY calm before mine….just chilled to my happy place….

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        • LOL! I didn’t take Valium at all – I was fine without it. (It’s that whole ‘professional knowledge’ thing.) But I also didn’t trust them enough to have both eyes done at once – I had my non-dominant eye done first, just in case, and then had the other one done a month later after I knew the first one would be okay. Hubby, on the other hand, had Valium and then some. It didn’t help him at all during the procedure, but he was completely stoned for the rest of the day. He’s funny when he’s stoned! 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          • It’s great when everyone else benefits more from the anesthesia than the patient does. I’m absolutely positive that statement is true. I’ve heard it from far too many ‘reliable’ witnesses to doubt it in the least.

            Even from my dentist: “Geez, Dood, you must be the poster child for why they call that stuff laughing gas! We give you the gas, and we spend the next two weeks laughing!”

            I make THEM sign forms when I’m going to be anesthetized now. That way my lawyer is the only one who gets to put the videos on YouTube. And that’s only if he forgets that Texas is Open Carry now. His memory seems to improve a little every time I remind him of that. Just sayin’… 🙂

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  5. Now you’ve got me curious about what I can do to stop putting on makeup. I still haven’t reached the point I can go out comfortably without it. Crazy, I know. Sometimes I do to run errands, but I always feel naked. Dang societal expectations!

    How nice it must be for you to be near the ocean now!

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    • Yes, it’s wonderful to be so close to the ocean; and I’ve already scoped out some favourite spots where very few people go. With so much coastline near at hand, there’s no reason to hang out with the crowds. 🙂

      Isn’t it funny how hard it is to overcome our own ‘norms’? I haven’t worn daily makeup since I was a teenager, but I understand what you’re saying. My inexplicable frontier has been yoga pants. For some reason it’s in my head that yoga pants are not decent and should only be worn when one is actually doing yoga. Never mind that my stretchy jeans are just as form-fitting; never mind that yoga pants are comfortable, practical, and everybody wears them. When I go out wearing yoga pants I feel naked. I’ve been deliberately wearing them in public for three years now just to push my comfort zone, and I’m almost to the point where I can do it without thinking about it… but not quite. I still feel like I should cover my butt!

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    • Wanna stop wearing makeup, you say? Funny you should mention that, Carrie. Two weeks ago I was in my boss’s office picking up some paperwork and his secretary and her clerk were talking about that. I said, “Nothing to it. Do it like quitting smoking. Quit cold turkey.”

      The clerk said, talking about the secretary. “That’s obviously the way she did it. Without her makeup now, she looks exactly like a cold turkey.”

      I sprained my ankle getting out of there and have not been back. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. jenny_o

    What a beautiful shot! You truly have landed in a good place, despite the terrible winter. Hopefully that won’t be repeated any time soon.

    I don’t care for the new trend to micro-describe the weather. I just want a general idea – sun? rain/snow? wind? That’s enough. I get confused reading all the details. Hm. Maybe that says more about me than about the weather people.

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    • I think it says you’re practical. 😉 I’ve given up even looking at the weather forecast because we’re in such an odd little microclimate here. Nanaimo’s forecast will show a solid week of rain, and we’ll get sunshine (at least for a little while). Even now that it’s bucketing down rain every day, we still get a few little sunny breaks. That’s one of the things I love about this place!

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    • el Tea

      Weather language must specialize under certain conditions. I had a brother who lived in the San Diego area who explained that every day the weather was exactly the same. Fog every morning which burns off around noon, then sunny and warm until sunset cools things down. Why do you need meteorologists if there is little or no weather?

      I understand that those who live with snow for more of the year and in far greater quantities will need more specific language than we in my part of the US need. When I first started using wooden cross country skis for blazing my own trails, there was a bit of a learning curve about the best wax to use on the area under your feet that makes contact with the snow depending on temperature and the texture of the snow. The waxes then were imported back then from somewhere in Scandinavia. The instructions were translated from the Nordic languages as best they could. Optimal temperature range was no big deal, but snow textures were another thing entirely. The most baffling condition was translated as, “Use when small frost changes to thaw.”

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      • That’s fabulous! I was a connoisseur of wooden ski waxes, too, and when I switched to synthetic skis I was disappointed to find that they never did perform as well as my properly-waxed wooden ones.

        “Small frost changing to thaw” does sound baffling. Right up there with “corn snow”, which, once you’ve experienced it, is a perfect description. Until then? Erm, not so much… 😉

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  7. I envy you that peaceful ocean. Speaking of heavenly pizza, if you are ever in downtown Duncan, find The Garage. It has wonderful food, groceries and all sorts of good stuff.
    What goes bumpety-squish bumpety-squish? A car speeding through a school yard at recess. (kids bring home bad jokes from school as well as communicable diseases).

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    • Bahahaha!!! Nothing like a good(bad) schoolhouse joke! And I will definitely look up The Garage the next time we’re passing through Duncan. It sounds wonderful!

      For me, going down the ocean is a major stress reliever. The closer I get to the water, the lighter my worries become. Ahhhh. 🙂

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  8. Well, of course they named it princess. There ain’t big chunks of MEAT on it! But it *is* a lovely pizza… Oh, they use shredded cheese for makeup? Is it THAT league? We would use those people for speed bumps, I think. Just sayin’… 🙂

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