Love My Beaver!

Well, it’s time for another “proud to be Canadian” blog post.  In previous years, my national pride has been stimulated by achievements such as world-champion profanity and the world’s fastest motorized toilet.

Fitting neatly into the topic of stimulation, this year I had originally planned to point out that we Canadians are a sexy bunch.  A recent study showed we indulge in lots of interesting bedroom shenanigans, with threesomes being a popular choice.  After all, it’s cold outside a lot of the time, so what else are we going to do?  But my favourite statistic from the study was this:  apparently 8% of Canadians have had sex in a canoe.

There’s one for my bucket list.  Fortunately, they didn’t specify that the canoe had to be on water to qualify, ‘cause Hubby can’t swim.  I’d offer to keep you posted on our progress, but I’m sure you’d rather not know.  So moving right along…

I had also considered informing birders that Canada is home to the little-known Kiki bird.  Although it’s an extremely common bird, most people in warmer climes have never encountered one.  The Kiki can be spotted year-round in extreme northern Canada, and throughout most of the country during the winter months.

It’s a very large bird, completely flightless, and its plumage varies through every colour of the rainbow, making it impossible to determine its gender at a glance.  You might think this would make it difficult to achieve a positive identification, but it’s instantly recognizable by its distinctive call:  “Ki-ki-ki-riiist, it’s cold!”

All you have to do is step outside whenever the temperature dips below -20 and you’re likely to hear at least one.  Go out in -30 or colder, and you’re guaranteed to hear a chorus.

The Kiki bird (winter plumage)

The Kiki bird (winter plumage)

Either of those things would have been worthy of a “national pride” blog post, but today I’m gratified to report our most significant achievement yet:  everybody sucks the ass of our national animal.

No, seriously.

My blogging buddy Murr Brewster pointed it out back in October, and she’s not even Canadian.  I was buried in writing the final chapters of Book 7 at the time, but it’s one of those things I just have to bring to the attention of my readers, even if I’m a little behind (sorry).

It’s true.  Beaver bum goop (actual words used by National Geographic’s columnist) is used in perfumes and as a food component, particularly in vanilla flavourings.  And beaver butt smells good.  I realize there’s a significant segment of the population that has always insisted beaver smells and/or tastes good; but I always kinda thought it was a subjective and largely gender-based opinion.  Now I stand corrected.  NatGeo says it’s yummy, so I defer to their expertise.

A couple of years ago, one of our senators had the temerity to insult our national animal and suggest we should change it to the polar bear instead.  The backlash was swift and overwhelmingly negative, and no wonder.

After all, what other country can boast that its national animal is industrious, a stellar structural engineer, a devoted spouse, peaceable when left to its own devices, and a formidable fighter when provoked?

In every sense of the expression, its shit doesn’t stink.

Yep, I’m proud to be a Canadian!

34 Comments

Filed under Cartoons, Humour, Life

34 responses to “Love My Beaver!

  1. I was a spy early in my career, but I got caught and the North Koreans were kind enough to show me the error of of my ways. I only mention that to show I have been around. Having said, I can say that any woman who can combine canoe sex and beaver but in the same post is a real find.

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  2. Good for you, Diane. Our national animal, the lion, doesn’t even live here. I think that’s our national animal. It may be the bulldog, and some of those DO live here, but I haven’t seen any. Nor smelled them, if you know what I mean. I have an inkling that they won’t help with vanilla flavouring either…

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  3. Who knew your beaver was so remarkably versatile? The things it can be used for – my, my. No wonder you Canadians are filled with such pride!

    Cheers

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  4. Jeremy Garton-Betts

    This was what I needed to read to brighten my mood! At the moment, I am riding Winnipeg Transit and its been a cold, fustrating day. After reading this though I am chuckling to myself while typing this on my phone. As an individual with a studious interest in all things beaver this was a fun fact I definately needed to add to my knowledge of this subject.

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  5. I’ve seen that bird many times.

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  6. I too have heard many reports of the overall goodness of beaver, but as a straight woman, I’ve never been curious. I’ve read a lot of food labels in my day, but I don’t recall ever seeing beaver bum goop as an ingredient. Maybe there are US Customs regulations around that. I don’t know how much I trust National Geographic’s tastes; aren’t they also known for telling you how to survive on things like twigs and leaves?

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    • Yeah, the beaver bum goop is euphemistically labelled “natural flavour”. Mmm-mmm good! And you make a valid point about NatGeo’s tastes, but, like you, I’m not inclined to do any personal research. 😉

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      • LynnB

        Gee, now that you mention it, “natural flavoring” would cover a multitude of sins, wouldn’t it? Eww. 🙂

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        • It does, indeed. This is one of the reasons why I rarely buy prepared food… though for me the breaking point was actually when I discovered the “allowable limit” is 8 maggots per can of tomatoes. I mean, I know I’m probably eating some extra “goodies” even when I can them myself, but I’d like to think I’d notice maggots. Or beaver bum goop.

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          • LynnB

            I remember you mentioning that before. What did it for me was that I made the mistake of reading a Consumer Reports piece on chicken pot pies. I loved those things. Until I read what they found in a sample of MY brand. Haven’t touched one since then. Ghastly. Recently discovered a recipe for them on Chow Caio. PERFECT. Back in the saddle again! Check out Yahoo Screen/Food/Chow Caio. Chef Fabio rocks.

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  7. Hahaha, at least you have a national animal 😉

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  8. Would it be freaky if I were to request that you actually do an update on the sex in a canoe thing? Coming from you it’s definitely going to be FUN 😀
    And…Kiki birds aren’t real birds…are they? I’m not going to Google it…instead I’m going to hold on to the image of that big bird in the movie Up, Frank…all multicoloured and huge together with a person al wrapped up like a colourful mummy each going ki-kikrist it’s cold 😉

    Hmm.beaver bum goop that smells lovely reminds me of that coffee made out of some other animal’s poop…funny thing…we consider ourselves as the more developed species 😛

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    • LOL! Well, hey, you never know – if there’s any update on the canoe situation, I might just have to tell the world. 😉 And I have never heard of coffee made of animal poop until this moment. I learn something new every day. Mind you, I’ve drunk coffee I was willing to swear was made from some kind of poop, so maybe I’ve had it without realizing it…

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  9. LynnB

    BWAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!

    That’s just EXCELLENT!!

    Belly laughs galore! 🙂

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  10. June Mozian

    Diane, you are an absolute riot!! It seems your good humor is not just in your books but in your everyday life! How refreshing!! I’m so looking forward to Book 7……………and probably everything else you write!! Oh yeah, I just received my signed copy of “Never Say Spy”………….thank you very much!! By the way, good luck with the canoe! Sounds like fun!!!

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    • Thanks, June! I’m glad the book came through okay – thank you for ordering it. I guess I’ll have to consult with Hubby about the canoe. I have a feeling he might not be enthusiastic. Certainly not until the weather warms up, anyway… 😉

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  11. Linda Grimes

    LOL! I’ve seen a few Ki-Ki birds around here in the winter, too. Just never knew what they were called before. And I think you should at least post pictures of the canoe if/when you get it, if not the activity. 😉

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  12. moondance4me

    You have just made my day! I have heard of the Ki-Ki bird since I was just a little girl in Kansas. My Papa was in construction, working along the Bering Straits for almost 2 years. All I had was a picture of him while he was fishing and standing on a small patch of ground with fast water all around him. It looked cold. He was bundled up completely. When he came home he told me of this wonderful bird that was found up there. He went to great lengths to describe it as a beautiful and big bird with a song that was just heavenly. While I sat there, totally captured by the story he went on to say that he was going to try to imitate the sound. As Papa was a wonderful whistler I couldn’t wait to hear it. LOLOL! Yep, the same “Ki-Ki-Ki rist it’s COLD!” You have been the first to mention it since that time and it brought both a hearty laugh….and some very sweet memories of a wonderful father. That was great. I’ll be cooking all day now with a smile.

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  13. If somebody had asked me on which blog I’d likely encounter the sentence “And beaver butt smells good,” yours would have been at the top of the list. And that’s a compliment…

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  14. bigsheepcommunications

    I never was a fan of vanilla flavor anyway.

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