I’ve succumbed to my own sordid vices again. I really thought I had overcome them this fall, but I was wrong. One glimpse was all it took.
The seductive cover photo made my heart pound. I carried the magazine home with trembling hands and smuggled it into my pile of innocuous reading material. I swore to myself I’d be strong this time. I wouldn’t let my base instincts overcome my knowledge of what was good and right.
But the illicit thrill drew me irresistibly.
Just one look, I promised myself. I won’t let it consume me this time.
But one page led to another. Each photo was more tempting than the last. Each coaxed and promised, “I could be yours. Yours alone. Imagine running your hands over my smooth, glossy skin. Imagine my sweet taste on your lips…”
All that firm flesh; all those provocative layouts…
Omigod, look at the size of that…!
And then it was too late. All my good intentions evaporated and I fell straight back into the waiting embrace of my worst weakness.
Yes, I’m ashamed to say I was drooling over hortiporn again.
I swear I’m addicted to seed catalogues. They’re terrible things. The vegetables are so big and beautiful and blemish-free. The flowers are so lush and brilliant. And the worst part is, I know damn well the photos are just as air-brushed and artificially enhanced as pinups in a skin mag. I’ll never grow anything that beautiful in my garden. (Yes, I’m talking about vegetables. Jeez. Everybody knows you can’t grow hot guys in the garden… can you…? ‘Cause I’m willing to try if there’s a possibility…)
Every year I get sucked in. The snow swirls outside, and I curl up on the couch and dream of all the delicious and wonderful goodies I’ll grow next year. I forget all the hard work of planting and hoeing and harvesting. Those vivid colours drive the memories of hard labour straight out of my head, and I get out my pen and start making my list.
And the catalogues come earlier each year. I got this one a little more than a month after I finished planting the *ahem* several hundred fall flower bulbs I *ahem* accidentally ordered last spring. I was sure the memory of planting all those bulbs would dull the lustre of this year’s hortiporn.
Not a chance. One glance was all it took. I remembered how tasty the summer’s harvest was. And how beautiful it was, at least to my eyes:
So the seed companies win again. This week’s catalogue was only the first salvo in their attack, and my defences are already breached. Soon more temptation will arrive from at least two other companies. Then the spring bulbs and nursery stock catalogues will come. And in the depths of January, I’ll cave and order another couple of hundred dollars worth of seeds and plants.
But I can quit whenever I want to.
* * *
Woohoo! Book 7: SPY, SPY AWAY has just been released on Smashwords, and I hope it’ll show up today on Amazon. (Members of my New Book Notification List will get an email as soon as it’s available.) To celebrate, I’m giving away a signed paperback copy. If you’d like a chance (or two) to win it, pop over to my Book Giveaway page.