I. AM. CANADIAN!

It’s interesting to be Canadian.  As a nation, we’re generally regarded as the polite, low-key, boring neighbours of the superpower south of us.  We tend to define ourselves by what we’re not, instead of by what we are, and we may get quite impassioned about the whole thing.  Especially if beer is involved.

We’ve got a lot going for us.  We’re superpowers in hockey and curling.  Our military, while pathetically undermanned, is generally respected.  We are usually laid-back and polite.  Until you get to know us.  Then we’re potty-mouths (language warning on this link).

Despite (or perhaps because of) the abundance of off-colour jokes about our national animal the beaver, we are actually quite attached to the furry buck-toothed rodent.  And every now and then, the beaver gets revenge on its detractors, though this may only happen in beer commercials.

And speaking of beer, despite my high regard for our neighbours to the south, our beer is generally much better than theirs.  I have a sneaking suspicion that most U.S. beer is just Canadian beer that’s been warm-filtered through a kidney.

We’re a nation of oddballs who are perfectly capable of starting a violently destructive riot over a hockey game, and then getting sidetracked partway through:

http://www.gettyimages.ca/detail/news-photo/riot-police-walk-in-the-street-as-a-couple-kiss-on-june-15-news-photo/116466376

After all, which is more important, a hockey game or getting lucky?  (Note:  If you are a Canadian male, this question will cause intense indecision.)

You know you’re Canadian when you put on your parka and go out to buy a Slurpee in -30 degree weather.  (If you’re not from around here, a Slurpee is a slushy drink composed of crushed ice and a soft drink).  Winter is a great time to drink Slurpees, because they don’t melt and dilute the flavouring, and your hands don’t get cold while you hold the cup because you’re already wearing mittens.

Maybe because we spend a lot of time sitting inside to avoid the cold, we’ve also contributed quite a few useful things to the world.  We’ve offered up handy-dandy stuff like insulin to treat diabetes (Banting & Best, 1922), basketball (Naismith, 1891), and the Canadarm for the space shuttle (SPAR Aerospace, 1981).

There are many reasons why I’m glad I’m Canadian, but a couple of weeks ago, we scored another notable achievement.  A Canadian stuntwoman, Jolene Van Vugt, set a new land speed record for the world’s fastest motorized toilet:  75 km/hr (46.6 mph).

http://www.globalpost.com/photo/5703220/fastesttoilet-040512

Now I’m really flushed with pride.

38 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

38 responses to “I. AM. CANADIAN!

  1. Pingback: Love My Beaver! | Diane Henders

  2. As a transplanted American living in the Maritimes, I’ve had the opportunity to experience life on both sides of the border, although I never would’ve come up with that “warm-filtered through a kidney” line.

    And one of the co-creators of Superman was Canadian.

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    • Yes, I can tell I need to spend more time in the States sampling beer. It’ll be a tremendous sacrifice on my part, but I’m willing to do it for the good of international relations. I’m just noble that way. 🙂

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  3. “warm-filtered through a kidney”?? OK, first, I love the line! Second, um, you’re clearly drinking the wrong beer. Anything that gets exported more than 100 miles from where it’s made is likely suspect, mind you – although my favorite is from upstate New York. (Although I can’t get it here; my in-laws drive it down when they visit, so, maybe I’m right after all. It’s called Wailing Wench – you’d like it! 😉

    Love the toilet, but I wouldn’t have given anyone a record unless they proved, um, elimination, while breaking previous land-speed records for commodes. Amazing.

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    • Well, if I was perched on a toilet going 75 km/hr, I guarantee there’d be a fine brown mist behind me. I’d definitely be a Wailing Wench. And I’d need a few afterward, too.

      And as far as the beer goes, I’d love to be proven wrong. More research is required. Especially if somebody else is buying…

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  4. As usual, great writing, great storytelling. I enjoy your talent every time you display it. HF

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  5. I. Am. Your. Neighbor!

    U.S. beer is just Canadian beer that’s been warm-filtered through a kidney?

    You horrid woman, not my Budweiser!

    But I also like my Molson Canadian too, especially on draft. But being a Detroiter with Windsor right across the river we here feel that there’s a blood connection through the theme song of Hockey Night In Canada. And the original was “Saturday’s Game”, in 1968 it changed.

    We only had 4 channels when I was growing up with channel 9 being CKLW-TV/CBET-DT. I’ve loved hockey and been watching it since I was 4 and Saturday night was HOCKEY!!!

    I think I learned the Canadian National Anthem ( and in FRENCH! LOL) before the American one because of the hockey games when there was only the original 6, my God am I old. (shush)

    I can still hear the announcer always ranting the name of Davey Keon! I can even remember the Esso commercials. Oh Soooo Old….. But Number 9 of our Red Wings ruled and guided us for what would become down the road HOCKEYTOWN!

    Ahhhh Bill Kennedy’s Showtime, Romper Room, Swingin’ Time, Coronation Street. Yep there is a lot of Canadian in Detroits Blood and vise-verse. But no more remarks about our beer! Not Bud anyway, I actually agree with that warm-filtered through a kidney remark about Miller. That is one nasty tasting beer.

    I raise my Slurpee to you Diane ( we always had them here too)!

    An oldie but a goodie.

    ~

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    • nikkix2

      Haha Longshot,,good commercial! And, of course when she sings “it’s made made by men who know their beer”, she meant Bob & Doug Mckenzie,,,and of course it’s the Friendly Beer,,,cause we are the Friendly Country 🙂

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    • Ha! Love the commercial!

      I figured I was going to get slapped for that crack about the beer, but I just couldn’t resist. We get so much good stuff from the States, we have to take a potshot on the rare occasion that we actually do something better (except for Bud). *bows in deference*

      To be perfectly honest, my snobbish remark is pure hot air – I’ve never actually turned down a beer… 🙂

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  6. Wow. And now I’m proud to be Irish, for it must have been Guinness who approved this record-setting category to begin with…

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  7. LOL! Wow, look at her go! (Er, so to speak.)

    Man, my toilets are going to seem so tame by comparison now…

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    • Yeah, whenever I encounter a toilet with a seat belt attached, I get worried. Though some of those auto-flushers could use one. When one of those goes off underneath me, I’m always afraid I’m going to be launched into orbit.

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  8. Canadians are the coolest!

    We don’t play much hockey where I’m from and the concept of a frozen body of water would confuse us. We do have a local minor league hockey team. . .and even have beavers here but to my knowledge no beavers in these parts have been spotted wearing parkas or sipping slurpees!

    ‘Flushed with pride’ made me green with envy. Only you could make a motorized toilet sound so awesome! You better patent that phrase while you still can. And the beer comment about being warm-filtered through a kidney is too funny. I suppose I can’t be granted an exemption to visit Canada since I don’t drink beer but I will take a slurpee anyday.

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    • Sadly, I can’t claim the patent to “flushed with pride”. “Warm-filtered through a kidney” is mine, though.

      And it’s okay – Slurpee drinkers are welcome, too. 🙂

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  9. Potty mouths and now fastest potty riders. Way to go!

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  10. Madame Weebles

    I agree with chris9911– GSP is one of Canada finest assets. And Rush! Can’t forget Rush.

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  11. Diane, I am so shocked in disbelief!! How can you forget about Georges “rush” St.Pierre?

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  12. Ha! Great post. All I can think of when I see the last pic is..”gotta go … gotta go… gotta go… gotta go!) I think it was a commercial for a diarrhea medicine 🙂

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  13. nikkix2

    OMG Dianne I totally love this post,,you explained us to the T. As for the motorized toiled, my bet is College kiddo’s. Hope it’s ok if I re-post this over at my little blog?
    And, Good Day Eh!

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  14. Any country that conjured up Chris Makepeace gets 2 thumbs up from me. 🙂

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  15. “the world’s fastest motorized toilet”–who thinks of these things?!

    Having spent a few years in Canada as a child, I loved this post. And I agree–you have good beer there. 🙂

    Like

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