A Mashup Of (Mostly) Food

December 9, 2015 / Diane Henders / 63 Comments

(Don’t worry, it’s safe to read this. I promise it’s not about gross squished food.)

I’m a little scattered this week. Between my usual writing schedule, my cover updates (only one more to go, woohoo!), the production of the Never Say Spy audiobook (up to Chapter 39 and sounding great), and the busy round of Christmas cards and baking and extra social activities, my brain just doesn’t seem to want to disgorge any sort of organized blog post.

So what the hell, why fight it? Here’s a mashup up of some goodies that have caught my eye and tweaked my sense of humour lately:

You may recall that I mentioned OBSL in a post a few years ago. At the time, I created that acronym to describe my hypothetical Optimum Beer Saturation Level: That perfect point of intoxication at which I become a deadly 8-ball player. When I wrote that post I assumed that I was (as usual) full of shit.

Little did I know that greater minds than mine were busily proving me right. In fact, a recent study shows that there is an OBSL, and it occurs where your blood-alcohol level is 0.075. Unfortunately for my hypothesis, they weren’t testing for 8-ball skill; instead they were focusing on the OBSL as it relates to creativity. And shortly after science delivered its verdict, some brilliant marketers capitalized on it. Voilà! The Problem Solver: A beer that comes with a creativity scale on the side. Dang, I could’ve used some of that stuff when I started writing this post…

And speaking of happy discoveries involving my favourite foods, science has come through yet again with a discovery that turns peanut butter into… wait for it… diamonds! Apparently it’s messy, but it works. (It was also just a publicity stunt. It seems peanut butter isn’t an optimum diamond-producing substance. Go figure.)

Unfortunately, though, the news from food scientists isn’t all good. The latest studies indicate that comfort foods can actually be depressing. Bummer. Now I need to go and eat a bowl of ice cream.

Moving on from science to silliness (though still food-related), here are a few fortune cookie predictions I could have done without:

“You learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.” – Great, just great.

“Your true love will show himself to you under the moonlight.” – Uh… okay, so my true love is a deranged flasher. Will there be criminal charges or jail time associated with this?

“You have an unusual equipment for success; use it properly.” – I guess if I was a guy, I’d know exactly what to do with my unusual equipment, but under the circumstances I’m just not sure how to interpret this.

“Wisdom is on her way to you.” – This one might be intended to encourage, but for me it bears an uncomfortable resemblance to the cartoon about the guy reading a fortune that says ‘Big things are coming your way’ just as a grand piano drops from the sky above him. Wisdom sounds like a good thing in theory, but it seems to me that the phrasing is a little ominous.

I’ll leave you with a cartoon that sums up my attitude when things get as hectic as they are now. And hey, it’s food-related, too!

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P.S. Here’s Book 8’s new cover, with many thanks to John R. for arranging my great truck-driving adventure and letting me photograph his truck:

The Terrifying ‘Bearrot’

September 30, 2015October 2, 2018 / Diane Henders / 44 Comments

My mind goes strange places when I’m half-awake (or half-asleep, depending on whether you’re a glass-half-full or glass-half-empty type of person). So it didn’t really surprise me when halfway through my shower, my brain announced, “Parrots! We should write a post about parrots!”

Me (grumbling into my washcloth): “What’s this ‘we’ shit? I don’t know anything about parrots. Where the hell did that random thought come from?”

Brain: “Come on, it’ll be fun! You could write about the World Parrot Refuge on Vancouver Island.”

Me (still cranky): “There was nothing funny about the refuge. It’s a cool place and it’s great that they take in unwanted parrots, but I spent the whole visit wishing I’d brought an umbrella to fend off the birdshit, and that creepy little bald cockatiel kept landing on my shoulder and cuddling up like I was his long-lost Mommy. Besides, I don’t trust any bird that’s capable of biting my finger off.”

Brain: “Oh, get over it. Parrots are amazing! They come in spectacular colours, they’re smart, they can live as long as humans, they can talk-”

Me: “Yeah, great. So now we’ve got a crafty old bird that lures you over with a display of pretty feathers and a cutesy ‘Polly want a cracker’, and then it bites your finger off!”

Brain: “Aw, come on. You can find something funny about parrots. How about Monty Python’s ‘Dead Parrot’ sketch?”

Me: “Well, there’s that…” (returning to the debate): “But that’s the only funny thing about parrots. Forget parrots. Maybe I could blog about my bear belt; make a few jokes about how dorky I look striding around the garden with that strapped to me.”

The bear belt: Everything I need to frighten a bear through sheer dorkage.

Brain: *martyred sigh* You’ve written about bears. Over and over. Everybody’s tired of bears. And they already know you look like a dork on a regular basis. Parrots, I tell you. You need to write about parrots!”

Me: “Piss off. Parrots are scary. Those blank soulless eyes…”

Brain: “Huh. Like bears aren’t scary? But you still manage to joke about them.”

Me (weakening): “Well, yeah, but…”

Brain (sensing imminent triumph): “Bears are terrifying! Parrots are much funnier.”

Me: “True, bears are terrifying…” *tries diversionary tactic* “Hey, you know what’s the only thing that could possibly make bears scarier?”

Brain (distracted): “Huh? Bullshit. Nothing could make bears scarier.”

Me: “Oh, hellz yeah! What if…” *pauses dramatically* “…you crossed a bear with a parrot?”

Brain: *stunned silence*

Me: “Imagine it! A bear that can not only chase you and eat you on the ground; it can also fly. Swooping down on silent wings with claws and teeth bared…”

Brain: “A bearrot. The most terrifying animal to stalk the earth…”

Me: *snickering* “…and you’d really want an umbrella…”

This is what happens when I blog while not completely awake.

It’s A Fine Line…

August 19, 2015 / Diane Henders / 43 Comments

People often ask me about my creative process, so I thought it might be helpful to provide an illustration of the exact process that went into creating last week’s post. Voilà: My Creative Process.

P.S. We have a release date for Book 10, Spy Away Home: September 4, 2015! I tried really hard for August, but it just wasn’t to be. Pre-orders should be available at all distributors within the next few days (Amazon and Smashwords are already up). If you’ve signed up on the new-release notification list, you’ll get an email when all the pre-orders are up, and again when the book is available.

P.P.S. I’m on the road today, so I won’t be able to respond to comments until this evening. ‘Talk’ to you then!

Random Thoughts From A Fried Brain

April 15, 2015 / Diane Henders / 20 Comments

I’ve been completely immersed in changing over all my domains to a new hosting provider this week. It was an immensely complicated and time-consuming affair, fraught with stress over recreating four websites and about 50 email accounts without losing any connections or having any website downtime. Somewhat to my own surprise I emerged victorious yesterday, and I still even have most of my hair. Enough to hide the places where I yanked chunks out, anyway.

Unfortunately, I don’t have enough remaining brainpower to create any kind of intelligible blog post. So instead of failing in the attempt, I’m going to offer a few random thoughts from this week and tack a cartoon on the end.

Here goes:

The only thing that differentiates me from a garden-variety nutjob is the fact that instead of following orders from the voices in my head, I write them down and call them fiction.
You know how in the movies the tough guys always say, “Awright, you wanna do this the easy way or the hard way?” Does anybody ever say, “Ooh, ooh, let’s do it the hard way!”
Ever notice how, with computers, the “easy way” is indistinguishable from the “hard way”? And if you cynically attempt a harder way because you already know the easy way is a disaster… well, that way lies madness.
Computers contain advanced sensors capable of determining the exact amount of stress hormones in your system. When a preset level is attained, the computer will automatically crash. If your stress levels continue to escalate, it will develop a catastrophic problem that requires a minimum of a full day’s pissing around to fix.
The above also applies to smartphones.
Regardless of the amount of work to be done, the work always expands to fill the time available… plus an hour.
The fastest way to get attentive customer service is to tell them to cancel your account.
Two lies don’t make a truth, but three or more lies make a sales brochure.

And I’ll leave you with this:

So I Booked A Photo Session…

February 4, 2015 / Diane Henders / 53 Comments

Yes, this is the beginning of a joke. Last week I decided to set up a photo session, with predictable results:

Okay; it wasn’t quite that bad. I didn’t actually break my ankle; I just twisted it. I think I remembered to suck in hard enough to hide the evidence of my Superbowl excesses, and the zits were mostly hidden by makeup. I hope. (Yes, I wore makeup. Bleah.) And my hair, bless it, behaved.

Fortunately I was working with the funny and talented Rick and Sandra Hand of Hand Crafted Images. They made the session easy and fun, and I know the quality of the photos will be top-notch. But with me as a model, there’s only so much their talent can overcome…

Does the camera hate you as much as it hates me?

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I’m off for an arthrogram on my ankle this morning (an old kickboxing injury; not photo-session-induced), so I’ll be incommunicado until this afternoon. “Talk” to you then!

Meanwhile, Inside My Brain…

January 14, 2015 / Diane Henders / 68 Comments

True to form, Book 9 isn’t even out the door yet and already Book 10 is demanding my attention. Good thing I love writing! Speaking of Book 9, SPY HIGH is on schedule to be released this Friday, January 16/15. As usual, it’ll be out on Amazon and Smashwords first, followed by all other channels within a week or two. I’ll keep you posted!

Stop The Fashion Presses!

August 20, 2014 / Diane Henders / 61 Comments

I wrote this very late last night and I wasn’t quite sober at the time. Consider yourselves warned…

I’m taking a semi-vacation this week, and I’ve left the writing of this draft to the last possible moment. So since I’ve had one too many glasses of birthday wine tonight I’m going to offer some random fashion-related thoughts.

Yes, I realize that fashion opinions from me are approximately as valuable as makeup tips from Ronald McDonald, but please indulge me for a few minutes ’cause I’m feeling inspired. Or possibly just intoxicated. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference…

Anyway, here’s the first thing that inspired me: You know how I postulated a couple of years ago that I was probably a sociopath because I refused to give up wearing my waist pouch? Well, the joke’s on the rest of the world. I wasn’t a pathetic refugee from the fashion police; I was a cutting-edge trendsetter. Look at this:

Matthew McConaughey has made it cool to wear fanny packs: http://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/2014/08/matthew-mcconaughey-has-made-it-cool-to-wear-fanny-packs-again/?sc_ref=direct

And Rihanna rocks a fanny pack, too: http://perezhilton.com/cocoperez/2014-03-04-rihanna-chanel-show-fanny-pack-paris-fashion-week#.U_QLgNN0yUk

I realize their waist pouches are an order of magnitude more fashionable than mine, but I prefer not to cloud the issue with facts.

So neener-neener to the fashion police! *proudly hoists up waist pouch and strides off into the sunset*

Also on a fashion-related note: Stop the presses; I wore a skirt to my birthday dinner tonight:

Sadly, my sartorial choice had little to do with a sudden attack of fashion-consciousness and everything to do with the fact that I wanted to wear stretchy clothes so I could make a pig of myself at the fancy restaurant Hubby had chosen. (And I did pig out; with relish. Or to be exact, with saffron cream dressing on my prawn-and-avocado salad and balsamic reduction on my duck breast. No actual relish. That would just be gross.)

But getting back to the point: Me. In a skirt. Shocking, yes?

I don’t want to cause any more trauma to your optic nerves so I’ll leave you with a cartoon. I actually posted it for the first time a while ago, but it suited my theme tonight and I’m still tipsy enough not to be bothered by my lack of originality:

Here’s to being fashionable; or, failing that, being too oblivious to care.

Happy Wednesday!

P.S. I just realized this post is positively rife with semi-colons and colons. It’s probably some deep Freudian way to indicate the anatomical area I most resemble when I’ve been drinking…

A Grizzly Attempt At Humour

July 30, 2014 / Diane Henders / 32 Comments

I made a scary discovery this past weekend.

Our garden is out in the wilderness so we’re always wary of bears, particularly in early spring when they’re hungry and grumpy and in late fall when they’re foraging for enough food to last them through hibernation. This has led to me regularly jettisoning my dignity as described here: https://blog.dianehenders.com/2013/08/28/scuse-my-bear-behind/.

But it’s mid-summer, so I’ve been starting to relax a bit. I figured by now the bears would have moved on to higher ground, and it would be too early for them to be coming down around our place searching for winter provisions.

How wrong I was. I had just finished strolling happily through the woods to my garden when one of our neighbours came by and stopped to chat. “Be careful,” says he. “Fish and Wildlife says there are seven grizzly bears in our area right now.”

Seven? SEVEN GRIZZLIES?!?!

Yikes!!!

Needless to say, my trip back through the woods was accompanied by a wildly swivelling head, a sweaty hand on my canister of bear spray, and embarrassingly high-pitched off-key singing.

That might have been pretty funny to a casual onlooker, but it’s old news to anybody who’s read my blog for a while. None of you expect me to exhibit any kind of dignity or decorum anyway, so when I started to plan this blog post I thought, “Let’s see, what can I say about grizzly bears that’s new and funny?”

Y’know what? I got nothing. Nothing is funny about grizzly bears. Grizzly bears scare the shit out of me. If I ever met one in the woods, and I sincerely hope I don’t, I’d probably kak my drawers on the spot.

Nature may abhor a vacuum (though I’ve never understood Mother Nature’s objection to cleaning tools), but my nature abhors any situation in which I can’t find some humour. So my renegade brain immediately leaped to the challenge of making grizzly bears funny. Maybe a grizzly bear in silly clothes?

Eh, maybe not. There’s something about all those claws and teeth that just takes the giggles right out of it.

But then I thought, “Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. After all, grizzly bears must have their problems like everybody else, right?”

And this happened:

*After I drew this I realized it may be another Canadianism, so I decided to provide a bit of explanation for anyone who’s not from around here. ‘Does a black bear shit in the woods?’ is a rhetorical question that translates to ‘Hell, yes!’ Example:

Friend: “Do you want to go for a beer?” Me: “Does a black bear shit in the woods?”

So what do you think? Grizzlies: Tragic heroes of their own lives, trapped in fur suits and destined to be forever misunderstood? Or big-ass scary mo-fos with no sense of humour whatsoever?

I’m leaning toward the latter…

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The deadline is almost here for draw winners to contact me. Lee-Ann, if you’re out there, please email me before Friday or I’ll have to draw a different winner for the Spy Now, Pay Later signed paperback. Thanks!