I used to love flying, back in the days when I could throw everything I needed into a carry-on bag and board the plane without getting hassled about my shampoo bottle or *gasp* my jackknife. Back in the days when they still made airplane seats to fit normal adults instead of emaciated waifs with abnormally short legs. Back in the days when they still served actual food on board.
Remember how we used to joke about airline food? Well, the joke’s on us. If we had known back then that today’s “airline food” would be ten mini-pretzels and half a cup of pop, we’d have shut up and reveled in our good fortune.
And don’t even get me started about security… oh, wait; I’m already started. Hang on, ’cause here we go.
So you know how the security scanner automatically selects some
poor schmuck random passenger for groping and harassment “additional screening measures”? News flash: It ain’t random. It’s specially calibrated to go off like fireworks every… single… time… I pass through it.
Usually it’s not too big a deal, because I always strip to the point of marginal decency before I go through the scanner anyway. When the inevitable lights and sirens start up, I assume the position, they search/swab/manhandle any luggage item and/or body part that catches their fancy, and then I get re-dressed and carry on.
But last week I got extra-special treatment. The scanner went off and I assumed the position as usual. The screening agent must have really liked me, because I received a particularly thorough pat-down – she should have given me flowers afterward; or at least a nice kiss. I don’t know why it’s supposed to be less ‘sexual’ to get your PTA (pussy/tits/ass) squeezed and fondled by the backs of the agent’s hands instead of their palms; but maybe I’ve just been away from the dating scene for too long.
Anyhow, after my X-rated interlude I figured I’d be good to go… but I was wrong. The explosives scanner picked up something on my suitcase, too. That got everyone’s attention.
So in addition to getting publicly felt up, I also won the
booby bonus prize: Having every single item in my luggage removed and laid out so everyone could scrutinize it. Mom really was right: Always buy nice underwear. Even if nobody ever sees you wearing it, at least it’ll look pretty when it’s spread out on the security conveyor in front of dozens of gawking bystanders.
By that point I was beginning to wonder whether I had actually packed some dynamite without noticing; but fortunately they didn’t find anything.
At last they allowed me to get re-packed and re-dressed, and I made it to the boarding lounge with everything but my dignity, privacy, and equanimity. I left those behind at Security – I guess they had to confiscate something after all that kerfuffle.
Anybody else got “random passenger” tattooed on their forehead?
Book 14 update: I hit Chapter 25 this week! The middle of a book is always where I start to question my writing ability and sanity, but fortunately I know by now that it’s all part of the process. Will… push… through…