The Sound Of Dementia

I really hope it’s not dementia, but my rate of misreads has increased considerably since I found the kiss-ass typo back in April.

Soon after that, I read ‘in my whorehouse’ over on Murr Brewster’s blog.  It wouldn’t have surprised me if she actually had written that, but she didn’t – it was ‘in my wheelhouse’.  (Murr is one funny blogger – go see for yourself!)

A short while later, I thought our Chamber of Commerce was mixing sacred with secular when I saw their poster advertising  ‘Holy Sponsorships Available for Play With The Presidents’.  A second reading revealed they were actually advertising hole sponsorships for their annual golf tournament.

My dirty mind kicked in when I saw the following tweet:  ‘I’ve ordered myself some Golden Snatch earrings…’  It took me a few moments to figure out that it was a Harry Potter reference and the earrings were actually little-bitty replicas of the ‘Golden Snitch’.

And I guess I wasn’t sufficiently recovered from that when I did a double-take at a condom ad trumpeting1GET UP TO ASS IN SAVINGS’.  It was in all caps with a sans serif font, which is always harder (I said ‘harder’… *snicker*) to read than mixed case (that’s my excuse, anyway).  After I’d finished giggling, it took me a couple of tries to decipher ‘GET UP TO $5 IN SAVINGS’.

Another ‘say what?!?’ moment arrived in my email when my Meetup group invited me to enjoy ‘Lesbian food and belly dancing’.  I’m a major foodie, but I’ve never heard of that cuisine before.  Turned out it was ‘Lebanese’ food, which didn’t seem quite as exotic, somehow.

Even business headlines weren’t safe.  I read ‘Things Sales Winners Deformity’ instead of ‘Do Differently’ and ‘get back to bananas’ instead of ‘back to business’.  And I discovered a cabinet company that offers ‘customer insults’.  Or possibly ‘customer installs’, though insults are well within the realm of possibility.

I can’t remember which community site entreated ‘Looking for a spare cowboy to borrow for a few weeks’.  But it turned out they were only looking for a spare ‘carboy’ to brew a batch of beer.

My mind was clearly on bodily functions the day I read ‘Fanfart’, which sounds like something to avoid at all costs.  The article was actually referring to ‘fanart’ – art done by fans of specific books.

Also in the realm of bodily functions:  Don’t you think I can be forgiven for reading this panel in the Calgary Herald as ‘bike-shit’ instead of ‘bikes hit’?

Hell, I still read it as ‘bike shit’.

Hell, I still read it as ‘bike-shit’.

But by far my most disturbing misread happened when I was perusing a music website.  I’m a huge Bob Seger fan, and I was indignant to discover they were snidely referring to his upcoming concert tour as “The Sound of Dementia”.  So he’s in his late sixties, so what?  Seger is amazing, and that was completely rude and uncalled-for!  Closer inspection revealed that the site was in fact a list of upcoming concerts: “The Sound of Dalmatia Tour”, “Bob Seger”, and “NeYo”, among others.

So I settled my ruffled feathers with the knowledge that the dementia was all in my head.  I didn’t know dementia had a sound, but in my case it’s apparently rather empty and echoing.

* * *

1 Would you believe I misread my own words while proofing this?  I saw “humping” instead of “trumpeting”.  Please… somebody help me…

35 Comments

Filed under Humour

35 responses to “The Sound Of Dementia

  1. hahaha, I was wondering how you edit your own work. Must be good fun 😉

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  2. In spite of making a living on the computer keyboard, I am not a typist, in that I have to look at the keys, not the screen. Many times I type the last letter of a word as the first letter of the next because I hit the spacebar out of time. This creates some interesting sentences at times. You have inspired me to save them and do a blog post for posteriorority.

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  3. Easily done, Diane. I read bike shit as well.

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  4. It’s not just that you misread things, but you misread them and make them dirty.

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    • Aw, come on. Here I was being proud of myself because over 50% of these weren’t even dirty. That’s gotta be record for me.

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      • moondance4me

        I don’t know about that. Personally I think that people that mis-read things and they think that what they read was a little “off center” or, “a little blue” or maybe even just down right (should I say….) really dirty, are spot on! It proves they have an uncluttered and imaginative mind and are willing to laugh at themselves about it too. You go Diane, slay them up tight dragons in the world and we’ll all laugh with you.

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        • Thanks! I love your metaphor – I shall slay the uptight dragons with the sword of my dirty mind… or would that be with the dirty sword of my mind? Either way, it implies my mind is sharp, which probably gives me a little too much credit, but I’m going with it! 😀

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  5. I love it! I learn so much from your posts and that’s important at my age. Mama always said to learn at least one new thing each day or you might as well light the candles and close the lid! It’s done!
    I listened to the music and how neat is that? Beautiful voices. Thank you for posting the video. Mama would be proud. hahaha

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  6. I’m sorry, but if you call your tour, “The Sound of Dalmatia,” you’re just opening yourself up to all kinds of misinterpretations. Like, who wants to go hear a bunch of dalmatians? Is the opening band Cruella DeVille?

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    • LOL! They must hate the fact that a dog breed is the only thing their tiny historical region is globally recognized for. But at least my misread let me discover a whole new type of music. Now I’m off to find buy some klapa music (which doesn’t sound healthy, but it’s actually what the musical style is called). These guys are a far cry from Cruella DeVille:

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  7. Diane as some of your friends have mentioned, it really does say “bike shit” hehehe.
    The post was fine!! No typos at all except for all the examples of misreadings..hehe.
    I don’t know…I want to be selfish and say keep on misreading because it makes a great fun post to read!! 😀

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    • I only pretend to be embarrassed about the misreads themselves – in fact I’m (only slightly) embarrassed to admit that they make me laugh every time. And since I love to laugh, well… let’s just say there will probably be more posts like this. 😉

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  8. It does say “Bikeshit”! However, asking for help from this quarter is sort of like asking an inmate to run the asylum. Sorry but a demented one helping someone with dalmatia, isn’t going to happen. 🙂

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  9. I have this happen all the time! It reminds me of those hilarious online collections of autocorrect errors (except, of course, it’s happening in our heads instead of on our phones).

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  10. Call me Madam! I’ve got the same thing. Even with familiar stuff. Every single time I look up a bird in my field guide, I read it as “…gray wings with white underpants.” Underpants, underparts. Same thing.

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  11. ‘Lesbian food and belly dancing’.—-Hahaha. Sounds like a creative meal, for sure!

    I wish for one thing: I want to see you run for office. Then, when you get there, I want to listen to you read a speech from a teleprompter. Oh, what fun that would be…

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    • Ha! You made me laugh out loud at the mental image. What a memorable speech that would be! You should have heard me reading aloud at my book signing – at least most of “those words” were intentional…

      I guess the good news is I couldn’t get elected to dogcatcher in the first place. Win-win.

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  12. Heck, I’m not sure they didn’t MEAN “bike-shit” the slope. I mean, maybe they’re promoting a new mountain-biking hazard for the advanced cyclists. 😉

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    • Good point – now there’s an extreme sport that probably won’t catch on. Mind you, if I somehow ended up going down those slopes on a mountain bike, “bike-shit” would be literal. Anyone following me would want to keep back to avoid the fine brown mist.

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  13. GET UP TO $5 IN SAVINGS

    She squinted at the sign. The letters blurred. “Forgot my damn glasses again,” she murmured.

    GET UP TO ASS IN SAVINGS

    “A-ha,” she said to herself, smiling. “Tonight’s my lucky night.” After placing the economy box of condoms on the countertop, she turned, gave a booty wiggle, and reached into her purse.

    “That’ll be twenty-one eighteen, ma’am.”

    “Well!” she said, scowling. “That’s the first time anybody’s said my ass isn’t worth five dollars!”

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  14. moondance4me

    Egads! What a hoot. I’m glad to hear that someone else suffers from “Sudden Onset of Adult Dyslexia”. I’m constantly seeing/reading words wrong and I too have “proofed” and gotten the proofing wrong too. Jeeze, and you’re a young woman so I can’t blame it on my age. LOL

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  15. bigsheepcommunications

    Okay, I’ll give you a pass on the Bike-shit ad, but beyond that, I think you need a good Freudian shrink.

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