Stand Back: Brain Farts!

My brain has apparently been eating ‘way too many beans lately.  The brain farts are getting embarrassing.

The past few weeks I’ve been totally immersed in finishing Book 6 in the Never Say Spy series.  Who knew fiction writing could cause such nasty brain flatulence?  Must be all the fibre in the pages.

The other night I slid into bed and Hubby said, “Oh, are you finished in the bathroom already?”

I stared at him blankly for a moment.  No, I wasn’t wondering ‘Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?’  I wake up in the middle of the night to do that.  Seriously.  It’s the weirdest feeling.

But getting on with the story…

I realized I’d completely forgotten to wash my face and brush my teeth.  So I got out of bed, went to the bathroom… and put on deodorant.

Shortly thereafter, I had a session with my muay thai trainer.  I’ve been going to the gym regularly for quite a few years, and when I realize it’s time to go I often leap up from my computer without fully disengaging my brain.  (Yes, actually, that is quite painful.  Thanks for asking.)  So before I leave home,  I perform a short ritual similar to the Catholic “Spectacles-Testicles-Wallet-And-Watch” to confirm that I have my shorts, running shoes, gym card, and hair elastic.

Knowing I’d be distracted that day, I took extra care , double-checking to make sure I had everything before I left.  So I arrived, full of pride, with the four things on my checklist.  But… without my hand wraps, boxing gloves, water bottle, or shin guards.  Smooth.  Very smooth.

Several days later, I booked an appointment with my accountant.  I had just completed a marathon 14-hour writing session the previous day and I was coming into the home stretch with the final chapters.  I knew I was going to be distracted.

I repeated the appointment time to myself and to Hubby several times, beginning two days prior to the appointment.  I put the appointment in my computer calendar with a popup reminder and an audible alarm.  The night before, I reminded myself again:  “Appointment at 11:00 AM tomorrow.”  The morning of the appointment, I got out of bed and reminded myself, “I have to get up from the computer at 10:00 AM to get ready for my meeting.”

When I looked at the clock next, it was 11:15.  Much grovelling ensued.

You’d think I’d have learned my lesson.  But no.

Only a few hours later, I was heading out to the gym.  Not because I’d remembered it; simply because it’s muscle memory after all these years.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve arrived at the gym and begun my workout only to wake up and go, “Shit, I didn’t feel like doing this today.  I was going to skip it…”

Anyway, I was getting changed before I left home and I forgot to put on my bra.  Fortunately the bathroom is upstairs, and by the time I got downstairs it had become uncomfortably obvious that I wasn’t being supported in the manner to which I am accustomed.

My final draft should be finished and out to my editors/beta readers this week, after which I’ll be able to return to a state that passes for normalcy (at least for me).  I shudder to think what other gaffes I may commit in the interim.

I think it’s time to get a T-shirt: “ Beware:  Brain Farts.  Keep back 15m.”

Anybody else suffer from brain flatulence?  And please tell me I’m not the only one who wakes up wondering “Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?”

* * *

I’m doing another Goodreads giveaway this week:  Two signed copies of Never Say Spy are up for grabs.  Follow this link to enter the contest!

40 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life, Writing

40 responses to “Stand Back: Brain Farts!

  1. I have alarms on my phone for every thing. Meeting at lunch: alarm. Even things that have been happening every day for the last year has an alarm. Unfortunately, things that I do every morning, like putting my phone in my pocket, can be forgotten. So I subsequently forget everything else, as I don’t have my phone to remind me. I have often come into my room, knowing mum was in there, and be surprised by the fact she’s there. But, I never forget things like building layouts, book plots or the emergency number from the IT crowd. (011899 88199 9119 725 3) but someone’s actual phone number, nope. Not gonna happen.

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    • It’s funny how some random irrelevant data sticks to your brain, while the important data vanishes without a trace. There’s probably some scienterrific reason for that, but it likely wouldn’t help to know anyway. 😉

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  2. Some people call them brain farts others prefer the term, ‘old age.’ haha!
    Seriously, though, you look too young for menopause but I’m told, ahem… that memory loss is connected to hormones. Funny post, Diane. 😀

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    • Thanks! I’m told hearing loss is also part of aging, so I didn’t hear any of that stuff about age. All I heard was the lovely compliment “You look too young for menopause”. Thank you! 😉

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  3. My brain is letting it rip more or less constantly. I’m getting used to it. Incidentally, where you happen to be on the menopause spectrum matters too. Although that just might be a marker, followed by steady and then precipitous decline. I’ll let you know, if I can still string two words together by then. Who are you again?

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  4. Oh dear….I haven’t read the comments, but I really do hope that you have fellow brain farters around!! I do have the occasional brain farts too! But mine is usually due to me being so engrossed in my day dreams!! Hehehe!

    As for the deodorant, hey..you wanted to smell nice for your hubby 😉 hehe

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  5. I have brain farts so often that anyone entering my house thinks that a family of skunks lives there.

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  6. harperfaulkner

    I’m sorry, I lost track. You were saying you were coming down the stairs without a bra and ….

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  7. I must be exhausting being you.

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    • Not as often as you might think. But apparently it’s exhausting being around me – I’m on my third muay thai trainer now. I train with them a while and then they quit and vanish forever. This one’s bigger, though, so maybe he won’t wear out quite so fast. 😉

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  8. Well, as you know, I am quite familiar with flatulence. Wonderbutt deals it out in bushels. However, it never occurred to me that it was coming from his brain. That changes my thinking on a few things.

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  9. Yes I have brain flatulence too. It is a kind of by product from too much system thinking: get kids to school, fill the dish washer, check all the email, get working.

    Much like spent uranium, I seal it up in my blog deep in the internet, where it is safe from the public at large. It’s alright you lot reading it because you are already contiminated.

    Future geneartions will have to deal with it, somehow, but for now, we can keep it in check.

    Very best of luck with your book.

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    • LOL! What a great line: “Much like spent uranium, I seal it up in my blog deep in the internet”. Hey, maybe we’ve discovered the world’s next renewable power source: brain methane.

      Thanks for visiting and commenting! 🙂

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  10. Do you know, Diane (it is Diane, isn’t it?) I had something to say, but started to type and can’t remember what it was. Ah yes – I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder ‘who are you and what are you doing in there?’! It happens to the best of us! 😉 Another fun post of yours, this!

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  11. raeme67

    This made me laugh out loud: “..it had become uncomfortably obvious that I wasn’t being supported in the manner to which I am accustomed.”
    Funny stuff!

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  12. Mike Vincent

    If brain farts are what is responsible for the writing that you do, then you have a lot to be thankful for. You have got a little money maker there. I am still reading on one of your books. The thing that is going on with me know is age. Getting old “sucks”. Ya just gotta be strong to be old. Had to go to the bathroom the other day and was standing in from of the commode and just for an instant, holding junior and I forgot what I came in there for. I lay something down and walk off and when I need it again, I look for it everywhere and can’t find it. Drives me nuts. Other than that, all I can say is that if it got any better, I couldn’t stand it. Retirement is ok but it is making me lazy. Gotta get out of that mode. Have a good day. I sure do enjoy your work.

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    • Thanks, Mike! Wasn’t it Bette Davis who said “Old age ain’t for sissies”? 🙂 And I think you should be allowed some laziness in retirement – that’s the whole point. Have a good day, too!

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  13. Although I get engrossed with whatever I’m working on, writing seems to take me out of my mind the most, and I find it’s difficult to rejoin the present here-and-now. So yes, when I’m finished writing something–whether a part of my novel or a blog post–I’m not the most clear thinker. I have to remind myself to check back in so that I’m paying attention to what my kids are telling me, or what I’m cooking, or my driving…

    You are not alone, Diane. Though I’ve never forgotten to put a bra on, I have driven in my slippers, forgetting to change into my shoes. Only once, but once was enough.

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    • Thanks, now I feel better! I tend to avoid driving in the city if at all possible during the times when I’m really immersed – it just doesn’t seem safe. The last time I tried plotting while driving, I came to my senses three hours later without any recollection of what I’d seen along the way. Fortunately I was on a desolate stretch of four-lane divided highway in the middle of Saskatchewan, so that’s actually a fairly common occurrence even for non-authors. 😉

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  14. Jeanie Jackson

    Thanks for this great sacrifice for art and your readers! I laughed through the whole article. You are such a wonderful writer!

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  15. bigsheepcommunications

    I don’t think it’s brain farts at all. You brain is just totally engaged with something and it can’t be bothered with the basics of everyday life, like teeth brushing and bra wearing. Perhaps you should have a personal assistant with you when you’re engrossed in writing, just so you don’t leave the house without pants or anything…

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    • Excellent point – and I like the idea of a personal assistant. In fact, Hubby has generously offered many times to be my trusty supporter in lieu of the bra… 😉

      And I don’t want to admit how often the words “I need pants!” have left my mouth when I’m getting ready to leave the house.

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  16. Once again, I think we were separated at birth. My mind does exactly the same thing when I deep into finishing a book. TG is starting to give me really strange looks, like he’s worried about impending Alzheimer’s or something. I try to explain that I’m just temporarily living in an alternate universe, but he doesn’t seem to find that any more reassuring.

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    • I knew I could count on you for support! 🙂 Hubby is the “absent-minded professor” type, so he understands. But I’ve had to eat a great deal of crow lately because I always used to gloat over being the “rememberer” while he was the “forgetter”. Not so much now…

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