MWF Seeking Woman With Gun

This week I’m working on the cover art for the sixth book of my series, and I’m wading through images that range from OMG to WTF and everything in between.

As you may have noticed, the visual theme for the Never Say Spy series is “woman with gun”.  Try searching that phrase on a stock photo site.  You won’t believe the range of results.  Apparently there’s an enormous need for stock photos of women from all walks of life holding firearms.

Brides, women in schoolgirl uniforms, soldiers, police officers, business women, rednecks, slutty cops in lingerie, bikini models in sky-high heels, punks, cowgirls, pregnant women, pioneers, spies, pirates, Cossacks, construction workers, Muslim women, duck hunters, and female SWAT personnel are just a few of the variations I’ve found.

Wardrobe choices range from leather, lace, fur, camo, denim, and spandex to more unusual garb like plastic wrap, tartan micro-minis, hard hats, headscarves, men’s pajama tops, parkas, sailor suits, a Napoleon uniform, metallic gold body paint, and nothing but a hat.

Clearly most of these women have never actually fired a gun, though it would be fun to watch them try using those grip positions.  And maybe I’m just a strait-laced old lady, but I’ve never felt the urge to shoot in the nude (or even wearing a nice conservative string bikini).  I prefer to keep my tender parts covered when there are hot brass cartridges flying around.  I guess I’m just a wimp.

Weapon choices vary wildly.  There are the usual assault rifles, semi-auto pistols, shotguns, revolvers, and air rifles, but bananas seem to be an extremely popular choice of weapon, too.  I wonder if the gun control advocates realize that these deadly weapons are readily available in every supermarket, stored within easy reach of children.  It’s shocking, I tell you.

If you’re looking for more unusual weapons, there are dangerous-looking women brandishing paintball guns, water pistols, fingers, hair dryers, tattoo guns, drills, cannons, gasoline nozzles, muskets, flintlocks, nerf guns, cameras, caulking guns, or a heavy-duty perforator.  If I ever write a thriller about construction workers, I’m gonna use the photo of the blonde with the hard hat and perforator.  That chick’s got muscles.

And… in all the thousands of photos retrieved by searching “woman with gun”, there was one picture of a cowed-looking young guy in a shirt and tie, holding a little-bitty gun and looking apologetic.  I’m not sure whether the photo was tagged wrong or whether they popped that one in there just for fun, but I got a good laugh out of it.

Which was nice, because I figured they owed me after making me look at a naked woman posing with a bleeding, severed pig’s head.  No matter what you need, there’s a stock photo out there for you.  Though if you need that one, please don’t tell me.  I’d rather sleep tonight.

But I really can’t complain.  There are worse ways to spend a day than looking at pictures on the internet while blasting my favourite tunes.

I’m off to work now…

What are you up to today?  Brandishing your banana?  Decapitating pigs?  Do tell.

46 Comments

Filed under Commentary, Humour, Writing

46 responses to “MWF Seeking Woman With Gun

  1. Guns and severed pig heads: just another Memorial Day picnic at the uncle’s house.

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  2. Mary Anne

    ” I prefer to keep my tender parts covered when there are hot brass cartridges flying around.” OMG, too funny!!

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  3. During the whole reading of your post I kept wondering….why would women that use those killer stilettos actually need a gun? I also take my virtual hat off for you….to be able to wade through what seems like a gazillion pictures and not be tempted to “run away with the internet” hehe. Hope you finally got a good picture!

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  4. Geoffrey Cubbage

    Stock photos are a never-ending source of hilarity. I saw this collection making the rounds on Facebook a while ago:

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/60-completely-unusable-stock-photos

    I’d actually seen a few of them used on real articles before I saw that collection, too. Oh, the internet.

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  5. Soldiers, police officers, rednecks, slutty cops in lingerie, construction workers… Haven’t you just described The Village People? If you have each one holding a paintball gun, gasoline nozzle, musket, caulking gun and a heavy-duty perforator, you’ve got your cover page.

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    • Shit, if only I’d thought of that for the cover of Book 3, in which I actually mentioned the Village People.

      Sigh. Missed opportunities. Mind you, these were all photos of women, so that might put a slightly different spin on the song “Macho Man”…

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  6. Val

    Having recently watched Skyfall I’m now wondering if the next movie in the series would do well if all the guns were replaced by bananas…

    You’re going to get some… er… interesting crap in your spam filter from this post, you realise that, don’t you? 😉

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  7. Thank goodness. Big Sheep took care of asking my pressing question, so I didn’t have to look stupid. My only experience with perforation is the stubs on the bills I choose to pay each month.

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    • Am I the only one who finds it strangely satisfying to tear paper along perforations? Sometimes I even do it on forms that I’m going to throw out, just because I can. It’s almost like bubble wrap…

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  8. If the photos with the guns aren’t good enough, Diane, could you not use one of the banana ones and superimpose a gun over it?
    I’ve just had an idea to write a book on book cover photograph tips… what do you reckon?
    As for my today, well, I’ve been in work… yes, that noise you heard was tumbleweed rolling across my mind as I look for a good memory of the day. Sigh. There’s always tomorrow…

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  9. And now for a brief musical interlude: http://youtu.be/nonVj7odbmU

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  10. Since the lady may well be your alter ego, why not pose yourself, with a gun?
    Clothing optional or should I say style of clothing optional, which is what I meant.

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  11. raeme67

    I am starting to be convinced that if I want to find any image at all I just need to Google “naked woman” Every time I do a search for an image I get a image of a nude or nearly nude woman, so I’m thinking maybe it will work in reverse?

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  12. Mike Vincent

    You asked what was I going to do that was exciting today. Well, lets see! I have to walk down the driveway to the mail box at least two times today. Gotta move my rooster out to the chicken pen. I’ll tell you, retirement sucks. If it wasn’t for your books, I would go nuts. They make me realize of all the good times that I missed while growing to an older person. Actually, I am fairly active around the house, but retirement still sucks. Still reading you book. Got one more to go. Thanks for the good work.

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  13. I will brandish only my hair dryer.

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  14. I’m herding cats. And not metaphorically, either. DD’s cats are staying with us for a while, and they are highly amused by the snowflakes dancing around outside. My blinds may not survive.

    Oh, and I can’t wait to read your next book! I need me some Hellhound. 😉

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  15. So, “a naked woman posing with a bleeding, severed pig’s head” will be your next book cover, right? Excellent.

    I’m off to a book club soon. Yes, this introvert is venturing out. They discussed my book last month, so I figured it would be good to join them again in the future. Forces a little social interaction upon me, and what better way to spend it than talking about books? We’ll be discussing “The Secret Keeper” by Kate Morton. Great book.

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    • That does sound a lot like a fiction prompt, doesn’t it? Hmmm. Wonder how I can work that into my next story.

      And hey, good on ya for braving the world of social interaction. I’ve been shut up in my office for far too long. I went out with friends a couple of weeks ago and felt self-conscious talking because my own voice seemed overly loud. Saying more than two sentences felt overbearing and excessive, and I actually asked at one point, “Am I talking too loudly?” I think I need to get out more…

      Going to look up The Secret Keeper now.

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  16. bigsheepcommunications

    I think I’ll spend the rest of my day wondering what one would use a heavy-duty perforator for.

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