Our Excellent Adventure

June 6, 2018June 6, 2018 / Diane Henders / 31 Comments

You know how some people have epic adventures cycling through Peru at nosebleed-inducing altitudes, hanging off mountain peaks, or braving primitive conditions in countries most people have never even heard of? (Sue Slaght, I’m looking at you.)

That’s not us. Although I love reading about Sue and Dave’s escapades from the safety and comfort of my armchair, Hubby and I prefer our adventures closer to home and with less potential for personal injury.

You’d think that would make for comfortably predictable trips; but sadly, that’s not the case. I’ve been marooned on an island, robbed twice, and lost in the wilderness with shotgun-toting locals closing in; and that’s all within the province of British Columbia. I won’t even get into our hotel disasters involving hookers, cows, rappelling nudists, and sticky dick prints.

Granted, none of the above episodes were as dangerous as they sound. The island stranding was just a mistimed ferry launch (although I still blame Hubby, since he was the one who drove onto the ferry without me). The robberies were from our vehicle; so despite the annoyance of losing tools, an expensive camera, and a dozen bottles of wine (that really hurt), there was no personal risk involved.

The lost-in-the-wilderness experience wasn’t overtly life-threatening either, although there were some tense moments:

According to our explorer’s map, there’s a teeny-tiny back road between the Okanagan Valley and Kelowna. So we tried it. (And Hubby still blames me for our failure, since I was navigating and we ended up on the wrong mountain. A good marriage is all about give and take: Give blame and take credit.)

Anyhow…

We drove… and drove. The road got steeper and narrower and gradually degenerated from gravel to largish rocks. Tall trees crowded us on both sides.

We drove some more. Slowly; since it seemed like a good idea to keep the wheels attached to the vehicle.

A half-ton roared up behind us and dogged our bumper, so we pulled over in a slightly wider part of the road to let him pass. He gave us a hostile glare as he went by, and we both swallowed hard at the sight of the shotgun hanging in his back window.

Then we realized that the road was widening at semi-regular intervals, allowing access to clearings displaying strikingly, um… verdant… foliage. That’s when we abandoned the attempt and retraced our route to the main highway, having no desire to get shot by some nutjob guarding his marijuana plantation.

So you can imagine our trepidation this weekend when we decided to search out Rhododendron Lake, a tiny body of water that boasts a rare stand of wild rhododendrons (R. macrophyllum). The only access is by private logging road; and you’re only allowed in on the few days when the logging company isn’t blasting. I was really hoping I’d gotten the navigation right this time.

Fortunately I did. Despite a rough road that brought back worrisome memories, our trip was free from firearms, explosives, or questionable flora. The lake was a placid silvery pool, and although we met people coming and going on the short hike, we had the whole lake to ourselves while we were there. And the rhodos were in full bloom – spectacular!

And best of all, we were home in time for dinner. Now that’s my kind of adventure!

Rhododendrons growing wild in the woods.

It’s hard to believe they’re wild!

More rhodos all through the woods.

Rhododendron Lake

Rhododendron Lake is only about 10 km off the main highway between Parksville and Nanaimo; but it’s a slow drive on a rough road. (Click on map to enlarge.)

P.S. Book 13, “Once Burned, Twice Spy” has finally made it safely through the release process and is available from all retailers, hooray! I’ll be starting Book 14 soon, so stay tuned to the Books page for progress reports. 🙂

I’m Gonna Need A Forklift…

May 30, 2018May 30, 2018 / Diane Henders / 21 Comments

After the past several weeks of feverish work and stress-filled wrangling to get Book 13 safely into the retailers’ systems, my brain is completely empty. Usually there are a few screwball thoughts floating around in there, but this week? Nada. Not even the sound of crickets.

(Although the sound of crickets would be worrisome, considering that I recently read a news article about a woman who had a cockroach take up residence inside her ear, BLEAH!)

Anyway, I had nothing but the whistle of wind between my ears, so I consulted a site that offered random writing prompts. And I got this: Write a post about anything you’d like, but be sure to include this sentence somewhere in the final paragraph: “He tried to hit me with a forklift!”

Something about that prompt burrowed into my brain like a… ech, never mind.

I know randomness was the whole point of the exercise, but nevertheless my mind rebelled. Why hit someone with a forklift when there are so many more entertaining weapons? A dead fish, for example. A cauliflower. A rainbow-coloured My Little Pony riding crop with marabou feathers on its… oh, wait. Is that a little too creepily specific?

*ahem*

Moving right along…

How could I write a post about “anything I like” and somehow include a forklift? I like music and ice cream and rare steaks and art and cold beer and gardens and a host of other things. Excavators are fun. Ditto highway tractors. But forklifts? Meh.

I considered spinning some flash-fiction: Who was this guy and why would he try to hit me with a forklift? Was he a wack-job smushing innocent people for fun? Or had I done something to deserve smushing? And why was I hanging around a forklift anyway?

Unfortunately, creating flash fiction requires brainpower; and I was fresh out of that. (Not to mention, you already know the punchline.)

When I searched for “funny forklift” on the internet I found a disturbing number of forklift fails, but they were more cringe-worthy than amusing.

I tried to come up with some bad puns: A fork lift; as in an elevator for forks? A fork-lift, as in lifting a fork? I even tried and failed to figure out some kind of filthy double entendre about getting forked. It’s a sad day when I can’t even come up with a dirty joke.

So… I didn’t get hit by a forklift this week (which is good); nor did I get hit with inspiration (not so good). I hope I’ll be able haul my brain out of its swamp of exhaustion soon.

But I think I’m gonna need a forklift…

Help me out here: Anybody know a good forklift joke?

* * *

P.S. Book 13 is available for pre-order at all retailers AT LAST, woohoo! Click here for purchasing links

Leading You Down The Garden Path

May 23, 2018May 23, 2018 / Diane Henders / 28 Comments

It’s gardening season, woohoo!

If you’ve ever been to a garden centre, you’ll know why the expression “leading you down the garden path” means “deceiving you”. I’ve been sucked in by their euphemisms more times than I can count, so today I’m going to translate some common plant-sales wording for the benefit of less jaded experienced gardeners:

“This vigorous plant will thrive anywhere”: This innocent-looking scrap of greenery is a monster poised to attack. As soon as you place it in the ground, it will shoot twelve-foot-long roots in all directions and new plants will spring from every inch of the roots. If you attempt to pull it out, every tiny segment of remaining root will form a new mother plant with its own set of twelve-foot-long roots and plague of invasive children.

“This delightful woodland favourite prefers dappled shade and moist well-drained humus-rich soil”: It’ll die no matter where you put it.

“Easy to grow”: …If you’re a master gardener.

“Plant these seeds as soon as soil can be worked in spring”: …But they won’t actually grow then. This is just a clever way to make you buy a second $5.95 packet of seeds after the first batch rots in the cold soggy soil.

“These seeds require light to germinate”: These seeds won’t germinate. Ever.

“Attracts birds to your garden”: Cut off its flowers the instant they fade, otherwise it’ll spew out so many seeds you’ll spend the rest of your life weeding.

“Drought-tolerant”: …As long as your definition of ‘drought’ is “an inch of rain per week”.

“Will even grow in dry shady trouble spots”: Yes, it will. But it’ll send out tendrils to scout for better conditions, and when it finds them… see “This vigorous plant…” above.

“Requires support”: It’s a pathetic weedy vine.

“Requires a sturdy trellis”: It’ll leap out of the ground like Jack’s beanstalk and within weeks will thicken to a woody rope that scrambles up the trellis and onto the neighbouring tree, where it will subsequently crush the trellis to dust and strangle the tree. If the trellis is attached to your house, you’d better sleep with an axe under your pillow and ten gallons of weed killer beside your bed.

“Blooms from May to September”: Theoretically, ten minutes in July is within the range of ‘May to September’.

“Non-invasive”: …If you live in the arctic.

“Forms a neat mounded clump”: …In June. By August it’s a mess of leggy stems flopped over in all directions.

“Semi-evergreen”: Completely deciduous except for one ugly leaf that clings to the stem all winter like dirty underwear tied to a flagpole.

“Evergreen”: Mottled olive-drab is technically a shade of green.

“Hardy once established”: It’ll probably live, if it doesn’t die first.

“Fast-growing”: Don’t lean over it while you’re planting unless you want to be impaled by the branches shooting skyward. And you might as well buy a chainsaw right now, ’cause you’re gonna need it.

“Slow-growing”: If you’re over the age of two, don’t bother planting it. You won’t live long enough to see it reach its mature height.

“Hardy to Zone x”: Make that “Zone x, minus 1 or 2”.

“Gardening is an inexpensive and relaxing hobby”: I’ve got some swampland to sell you…

Chime in, gardeners! What’s the best gardening euphemism you’ve heard?

P.S. Still no word from Amazon about why the pre-orders for Book 13 didn’t show up on Amazon Canada, UK, Australia, or any other marketplace except the U.S. They promised to get back to me today, so… fingers crossed…

Geek-Speak

May 16, 2018May 16, 2018 / Diane Henders / 34 Comments

I’ve been a geek all my life.

I’d like to clarify that I’m referring to the current definition of ‘geek’, as in “a socially awkward oddball who thinks too much”; not “a sideshow performer who bites the head off live chickens” (which was what the word meant when I was young).

I have never bitten, and with any luck will never bite, the head off a live animal of any sort. Chocolate animals? Oh hell yes! Cooked animals? Maybe… though I’d likely use a knife or cleaver or some other suitable implement instead of my teeth…

Oops.

There I go again. Over-thinking. Over-clarifying.

Even as a child, I couldn’t grasp why people didn’t simply say what they meant. When the teacher asked, “Does anyone know the answer?”, I never understood why she apparently stopped being able to see my wildly-waving hand after I’d answered the first few questions correctly.

When the other girls assured me, “Of course we’re still friends!” and then never spoke to me again, I just… didn’t get it. There’s something to be said for being completely oblivious to social cues. I thought I had lots of friends, and it was sheer coincidence that I never got invited to anything.

The rest of the world doesn’t understand that geeks take words at face value. A classic geek joke goes like this: A software engineer was found dead of starvation in his shower. Preliminary investigation suggests that he was following the instructions on the shampoo bottle: “Lather, rinse, repeat.”

This joke is funny and sad on two levels: 1) You have to be a bit of geek to get it; and 2) If you are a bit of a geek, there’s probably some small part of you that’s thinking, “You know, that makes perfect sense…”

Another diabolical geek trap is the phrase casually bandied about by normal human beings: “Suggestions are welcome”.

Hint for the geeks in the audience: No. No, they’re not. One suggestion is welcome. Maybe two, tops. If it’s your personal responsibility to resolve the issues, you might be allowed three suggestions. Presenting twenty pages of closely-spaced bullet points will only end in annoyance for you when you realize that your listeners’ eyes glazed over after the first two points and their minds are now fully occupied by desperate escape plans.

Another hint for geeks: If your listener is gripping a letter opener with whitening knuckles, it’s time for you to leave. Lingering to make sure they grasped the subtle nuances of item 20.1.5.3(b) will only result in bloodshed; and that gets awkward for everybody. For one thing, stab wounds hurt. For another, if your listener decides to commit hara-kiri instead of attacking you, it’s very difficult to explain to the police. (Don’t ask how I know these things.)

Anyway, after 50-odd… okay; very odd years, I honestly thought I had this stuff all figured out. (Note: All geeks think this. They’re always wrong.)

But then I went for physiotherapy a few years ago. The physiotherapist said, “Keep your legs straight and touch your toes.” So I did. It hurt like a bitch. But she hadn’t said, “… and tell me if it hurts”, so I didn’t mention it. I threw away a lot of money on physiotherapy before I grasped that little detail.

But I’ve got it all figured out now. Really, I do…

* * *

P.S. Book 13, “Once Burned, Twice Spy” is now available for pre-order at all retailers (click here for links)… except, for some unknown reason, the Amazon international sites. Amazon.com is up, but none of the other countries are showing the listing. Grrr! I’ve submitted a trouble ticket to Amazon and hope to have the problem resolved shortly. To everyone who received the pre-order announcement and can’t buy from the Amazon of their choice: I’m sorry about this. I’ll send an updated announcement as soon as the pre-orders are up in all countries.

It’s Baaaack…

April 25, 2018April 25, 2018 / Diane Henders / 33 Comments

For years my friends have teased me about wearing a waist pouch, and with good reason. Whether you call it a fanny pack (Canada and the United States), bumbag (UK), belly bag (Germany), or banana bag (France); the sad truth is that it was in style for about ten minutes in the 90s and ever since then it’s been a visible indicator of my defective fashion sense.

But I love my waist pouch. I’ve got everything but the kitchen sink crammed in there. It’s comfortable, practical, and hands-free; and I got over any self-consciousness about wearing it long ago.

I also got over calling it a ‘fanny pack’ after I discovered that while ‘fanny’ may mean ‘bum’ here, across the pond it refers to an entirely different portion of the female anatomy. In my case ‘fanny pack’ would still be an accurate description since I wear my waist pouch front and centre, but I’d rather not be unintentionally vulgar. (Intentionally vulgar, yes; frequently. But I like to choose my times.)

Back in 2014 I was thrilled to discover that waist pouches seemed to be making a comeback, but when I didn’t see anyone else wearing one in public I simply assumed that (as usual) the fashion industry hadn’t come to its senses. But that was only another example of my cluelessness, because apparently waist pouches have sneaked back onto the fashion scene.

My friends are much more observant than I. Whenever they notice some celebrity rockin’ a waist pouch, they’re sure to let me know. Last week my step-mom got into the act by mentioning she’d seen a pink sequined number on the Shopping Channel that would give me the ultimate in high-fashion panache.

Enlightened, I searched the shopping sites and voilà! A plethora of packs, from $6.95 cheapies to $300 designer duds. I was amazed to find materials ranging from my good old black leather to the aforementioned pink sequins, and everything in between including camo and floral patterns… plus the quintessential Dad bag from Walmart that made me laugh out loud: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Dad-Bag-Waist-Zipper-Packs-Unisex-Fake-Belly-Traveling-Fanny-Bags/920778025.

Just in case the fashion industry forsakes me again (which it undoubtedly will) I’d like to point out that waist pouches have a long and distinguished history: They started off five thousand years ago as belt-pouches, detoured to Scotland as sporrans, and appeared in Native American history as medicine pouches.

So not only am I honouring tradition by wearing a waist pouch, it turns out that I’ve also been a trendsetter all along: a bleeding-edge fashionista who spotted a ‘thing’ decades before it arrived! (And if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell, too.)

Anyway…

In keeping with their fresh new look, fanny packs have risen above their original vulgar nomenclature with sophisticated new names like sling bags, waist packs, hip packs, hip sacks, and crossbody packs. I showed off my updated vocabulary (and my ancient waist pouch) to my friends the other night, and as usual I came in for some lively teasing. One friend suggested that ‘colostomy bag’ would be an appropriate moniker for smaller pouches worn off-centre.

I had to agree. ‘Colostomy bag’ would be a perfect name for my waist pouch – after all, it’s where I carry all my shit.

So I know I’m probably a freakish minority, but… would you ever wear a waist pouch? Have your say in this poll!

Brain Food

April 18, 2018April 18, 2018 / Diane Henders / 21 Comments

I’m SOOOO close to finishing the draft of Book 13!

Each time I start a new book, I promise myself that I’ll write steadily within a realistic timeframe. And each time, I end up writing day and night to finish in time for some self-imposed deadline. In my quest for energy and inspiration this week, I’ve uncovered new Facts^TM (see footnote below) about brain food.

Earlier civilizations believed that foods resembling a particular portion of the anatomy provided special nourishment to that anatomy. So cauliflower, lumpy and brain-shaped, was ‘brain food’. (This theory also explains the popularity of bananas and cucumbers; but I digress.)

Modern medicine informs us that ‘brain food’ doesn’t, in fact, resemble the brain; instead, the secret to smarts comes from complicated things like omega-3s, antioxidants, and flavonoids.

But after extensive research (a couple of hours at least) I’ve discovered that both ancient and modern beliefs are wrong. Brain food isn’t brainish-looking. It’s not complicated or difficult to obtain.

It’s…

*suspenseful drumroll*

Junk food! And I have Facts^TM to support my conclusion!

When I’m plotting a book, I usually pace; although I may also stand stock-still staring into space or drape myself over the furniture in odd positions. (I bet you thought you were supposed to sit with your butt on the sofa cushions and your feet flat on the floor. Pshaw. The correct position is: Belly on the cushions, arms draped over the sofa back, toes on the floor.)

Pacing is my favourite creativity stimulant; but even better is Pacing With Brain Food.

I can think better when I’m chewing; probably because jaw muscle contractions stimulate my brain. My research supports this, because I’ve found that crunchy foods provide much more inspiration than soft foods.

I love gooey goodies like cheese and ice cream, but they offer no inspiration at all. Likewise, chocolate (while ever-so-yummy) doesn’t help me. In fact, the more chocolate I eat, the less I can think; until my entire mind is subsumed by four words: MUST… HAVE… MORE… CHOCOLATE!

Tradition holds that booze is a veritable fount of inspiration; but not so. A moderate amount of booze completely drains my brain; and too much booze fills it up again with ideas that seem brilliant at the time but when reviewed the next day make me say, “What the everloving f…?”

So once again, the Facts^TM bear me out: It’s gotta be crunchy. You can’t chew booze.

Fruits and veggies? Meh. They’re better than nothing. But…

Popcorn. Chips. Beer nuts. Pretzels. Cheezies. OMG!!!!

My brain goes into overdrive. I pace frenetically, gobbling handful upon handful of crunchy brain-stirring goodness. Ideas flow, like belly fat breaching the waistband of too-tight jeans.

It’s a good system; but it’s not really sustainable unless I want to buy a whole new wardrobe to accommodate my… *ahem* expanding creative process for each subsequent book.

So in a few more days I’ll be back to my usual sensible diet; but just remember, you heard it here first: Junk food is the ultimate brain food. It’s a Fact^TM!

¹ Facts^TM is a trademark of The Fake News Generation Corp., a wholly-owned subsidiary of The Bullshit Consortium. Facts^TM is defined as “any random statement, however ridiculous, which is shouted loudly enough to be reported by the media”.

P.S. I’m travelling today, so I’ll be checking in later – ‘talk’ to you soon!

P.P.S. It’s spring on the Island! Hooray!

The Pitter-Patter Of Tiny Feet

April 11, 2018October 2, 2018 / Diane Henders / 37 Comments

The other day I was reaching for a towel after my shower, and I thought, “It’s nice that there aren’t so many spiders in the house anymore.”

Spiders were an unexpected consequence of moving into a newly constructed home. While it stood vacant, the open soffits and myriad gaps in the foundation made our new house an arachnid haven. For months after we moved in, spiders were a frequent sight; so much so that Hubby began to consider some kind of scheme to extract rent payments from our many squatters.

We’re not particularly bothered by spiders, so when we found one we’d usually usher it out the door unharmed; although if it was a particularly inconvenient time or location it sometimes got squished instead.

Which brings me back to the shower. Shortly after we had moved in, I’d finished my morning shower and grabbed the towel off the towel bar. I was drying off when an odd sensation made me look down… in time to see a largish black spider crawling up my stomach, apparently making a play for my left boob.

I’m don’t shriek or spaz out over spiders. After you’ve had a spider crawling on your tongue, you tend to be a little less excitable about those sorts of things; but nevertheless I moved quite… *ahem*… briskly to rid myself of my unwanted suitor. He didn’t survive the experience.

And that very day, I developed a new habit of vigorously shaking out my towel before using it. Even though I haven’t seen a spider in the bathroom for months, I still do it. And it’ll probably be a lifelong habit since BC is home to black widow spiders and brown recluse spiders, and I have a healthy respect for both.

But not a phobia. I’m slightly ashamed to admit that I find humour in the reactions of the poor folks who do suffer from arachnophobia… like a guy I used to know.

It was a hot day and we were working outside. I went in to get a glass of water and brought one out for him, too. He accepted it with thanks, took a sip… and then flung it at me. I dodged, the glass flew across the yard and rolled down the sidewalk, and I demanded, “WHAT THE…????”

Pale-faced and wide-eyed, he stammered, “A spider. There was a spider on the bottom.”

Miraculously, the glass hadn’t broken. When I retrieved it and pointed out the harmless piece of detritus stuck to the bottom, he was sheepish but unrepentant. “It looked like a spider when I saw it through the bottom of the glass. I’d do the same again. Spiders, brrrr!”

Arachnophobes would heartily endorse his reaction, but even they would have to laugh at this story that actually made the news: A father walks through a spiderweb and the whole family freaks out at the fact that the spider is now in the house… only to discover that they’ve inadvertently captured the whole show on video.

I’m actually feeling sorry for the guy, but my sympathy might be a bit difficult to discern behind my tears of laughter…

Crazy Plant Lady

March 21, 2018March 21, 2018 / Diane Henders / 49 Comments

’Tis the season when I expend massive amounts of energy on my garden.

“Oh, is it planting time there already?” you ask.

Well… kinda, but not really. I’ve planted a few seeds, but it’s too early for most things.

“Oh; then you’re digging and preparing your garden? I could see where that would be a lot of work.”

Well, no; not yet. It’s still too wet.

“So exactly what is taking so much energy…?”

Well… um… my own idiocy.

Every day I hurry out to eagerly examine the garden. Are any new crocuses blooming? Are the cherry buds maybe just a bit fatter than yesterday? Why are my poor rhododendrons looking so yellow?

I rush off to the Rhododendron Society and pick the brains of every member who doesn’t flee as soon as they realize I’m vectoring toward them. I pore over obscure sites on the internet. Organic fertilizer tailored to acid-loving plants: applied. Bark mulch: check. Could it be a magnesium deficiency? I sprinkle on some Epsom salts. Maybe the soil pH is too high. Sulphur to the rescue! It can’t be iron deficiency; our soil is red with iron oxide. But maybe a little foliar feeding of ferrous sulphate would help…

Then I hover. Maybe they look a bit better today.

But no. It’s only a trick of the light. *sigh*

The next day, same thing. Maybe they’re a little greener now?

I don’t know why I do it. I’ve been gardening all my life, and I know better. I have NEVER seen a plant respond to fertilizer overnight. But that’s not from a lack of effort on my part. With all the emotional energy I’ve been pouring into these plants, they should be surging toward the sky like Jack’s beanstalk.

I try equally hard to alter the climate through sheer psychic (or is that ‘psycho’?) effort. I stare at the sky, fists clenched by my sides, willing spring to arrive. Snow is not allowed! The clouds must dissipate! The sun must come out!

Our tomato and pepper seedlings have just emerged indoors, and I’m equally obsessed. The light in the south window isn’t bright enough – they need to be outside. But it’s only 5 degrees Celsius, and that’s not warm enough for tomatoes and peppers. So they can go outside in the afternoon when it’s warm, as long as I remember to bring them in at sunset. And when will they get their second set of leaves? Tomorrow? This evening? NOW?!?

It’s lucky I never had children. The poor kids would be scarred for life when they awakened in the middle of the night to find me leaning over their cribs with a measuring tape, checking to see whether they’d grown since I’d put them to bed a few hours ago.

Fortunately plants are oblivious to my antics; and in another month I’ll have so much garden work I’ll be far too tired to obsess over a rhododendron’s precise shade of green.

But until then… maybe I should check that rhodo one more time this afternoon.

Just in case…

It’s spring, hooray! Must… obsess… over… garden… now…

My poor yellowing rhododendron. Maybe I’m giving it performance anxiety.

Stupidly Smart

March 14, 2018March 14, 2018 / Diane Henders / 36 Comments

When I checked my email a couple of days ago, I discovered a message that began, “Don’t mind on my English, I am from India.” I would have trashed it on the spot, but before I could get to the delete button I had already skimmed the next couple of sentences. Then I started to giggle, and slowed down to read the whole thing.

Apparently this enterprising soul had “thiefted all my personal data” by installing malware on my computer while I was visiting a porn site. S/he had all my work and social contacts, and what’s more… (wait for the horror of it all)… s/he had also hacked into my forward-facing webcam while I was on the porn site and captured a video of me masturbating! Unless I paid the ransom, my shameful secrets would be revealed to everyone I know.

Well, I’ve never visited a porn site; I don’t have a webcam; and the research I do on my computer is more likely to inspire snores than sweaty ardour. I’m not exactly trembling in my boots.

But I wonder… does this person actually make money? Are there really that many people visiting porn sites and whacking off in front of their computers…

Don’t answer that. On second thought, I don’t want to know.

But the whole thing got me thinking about all the “smart” devices that are monitoring us without our knowledge. Webcams can be remotely activated. Our cell phones can be hacked to secretly relay audio and/or video. And those are just the beginning.

The other day I noticed a red light blinking on our thermostat. On its screen was a polite reminder to change the furnace filter. Our fridge tells us when it’s time to change its water filter. My car monitors its tire pressure. But we drew the line at a septic pump that would monitor our waste output. There are some things I just don’t need to know; although apparently somebody does, or they wouldn’t have bothered making the thing.

And the smarter my devices become, the dumber I get. (I prefer to blame the devices for this, not advancing age.)

Before I had a smartphone, I used to know my friends’ phone numbers by heart. Now they’re all at my fingertips; and I’m lucky if I remember my own.

Same with special dates. I had them all in my head, and every time I went to the store I’d check my mental list of upcoming birthdays and anniversaries and buy the appropriate cards. Now my smartphone’s calendar reminds me two weeks in advance, and I still forget to buy the damn cards.

Smart devices are teaching us to be helpless. It’s only a matter of time before we’re slumped drooling in antigravity chairs while robots ferry our bloated carcasses from bed to dinner table to toilet and back again. Our fridges will order groceries; our toilet seats will monitor our health; and if we’re plugged into virtual reality we can experience any adventure we desire without even leaving the house.

And when all human contact has been eliminated and our only intimate relationships are with computers, that enterprising soul in India will really make a killing.

Or maybe s/he’ll be too busy watching porn and getting frisky with Rosy Palm and her five daughters…

What Have I Been Smoking?!?

March 7, 2018March 7, 2018 / Diane Henders / 46 Comments

Lately I’ve had reason to question my own sanity…

Okay; so ‘sanity’ might be a bit of a stretch for me. Let’s just say that lately I’ve been wondering if I’m crazier than I realized.

Here’s why:

A couple of weeks ago I stopped off at the lumber store. I was in there for about two minutes, and as I walked back to my vehicle I thought, “Shit, did I forget to lock the doors?” (I’m having a hard time adjusting to power locks after decades of locking my old car manually.)

So I walked up to the driver’s door and pulled on the handle; and was pleasantly surprised to discover that I had actually locked the car. So I unlocked it, got in, and drove away… for about ten feet, when the overwhelming smell of cigarette smoke nearly made me gag.

I thought somebody must have walked by with a cigarette and the smoke had been momentarily sucked into the fresh air intake, so I kept driving.

A block down the street, the smell was getting stronger.

What the hell? Had somebody flicked a live butt into my front grille?

I got out, popped the hood, and examined the front grille from top to bottom. Nothing.

By the time I got back in the vehicle the smell had dissipated, but as soon as I drove forward again the reek was back, just as strong as if somebody had gotten into the car and lit up.

I stopped again. Got out and checked the entire vehicle inside and out. I even looked under the floor mats in case some diabolical smoker had seized the scant moments while I’d been inside the store to open a door (which I might have forgotten to lock after all), hide a butt somewhere, lock the car just to mess with my mind, and then flee.

But nope. Nada.

I made several more stops where I repeatedly checked the vehicle from nose to tail and even checked the treads of my hiking boots to make sure I hadn’t stepped on a butt and carried it into the car with me. I drove to the dealer and asked them where the secret cigarette-butt hiding place was; but they were as mystified as I. Finally, I resigned myself to the knowledge that I was being haunted by the malevolent ghost of chainsmoker who only lit up when my car was in forward motion.

The smell is gone now and I never did find the source, so who knows? Maybe a butt got stuck in the tire tread. Or maybe it really was a ghost.

And speaking of ghosts in the machine, my TurboTax program is haunted, too. Only a few days after the car debacle I was confronted by this:

TurboTax says that a Total Federal Tax of zero, minus tax credits totalling zero, equals $214.04 tax owing. I haven’t even entered my income yet.

I won’t get into the tooth-grinding frustration and unending support calls this has produced; but ultimately the TurboTax no-help-whatsoever-desk decided that it’s my fault¹ their software subtracts zero from zero and gets two hundred and fourteen, and they’ve closed my so-called “support” ticket.

I’m not surprised; because clearly, I’m nuts.

Or at least, I am now…

* * *

¹ Transcript of the call, after the first hour of futility:

TurboTax HelpDesk: “You’ve done something wrong. Our software is infallible.”

Me: “Okay. What have I done wrong?”

TTHD: “I don’t know. You’ll have to enter something somewhere on a form. Make sure you fill in all the fields.”

Me: “Okay, which form?”

TTHD: “I don’t know. We don’t give tax advice.”

Me: “I’m not asking for tax advice. Your software is subtracting zero from zero and getting two hundred and fourteen.”

TTHD: “Yes, because you’ve done something wrong².”

*repeat loop*