When I look back at my earlier blog posts, a lot of them describe various ways I’ve embarrassed myself in public: Butt sweat in plastic chairs, disintegrating shoes, food dangling from my hair, phantom glasses, shenanigans in the dentist’s chair… and the list goes on.
But not recently. In fact, when I looked back at my blog archives, I discovered that it’s been nearly three whole years since I humiliated myself with a public striptease.
“Aha!” thought I. “Maybe I’m finally growing up. Becoming suave and sophisticated and socially competen-” *record scratch*
Nope. Apparently the only reason I haven’t embarrassed myself lately is that I haven’t gone out much.
A few weeks ago we were invited over to our friends’ place for dinner, and (congratulating myself on my grasp of social graces) I offered to bring dessert. I was fairly sure I couldn’t screw it up – I’ve been successfully making chocolate cake since I was ten.
And I didn’t screw it up. The cake was fine. But…
I have never been a tidy cook. And when rotating equipment is involved, things tend to get *ahem* a little sticky. The blast radius for this cake was nothing out of the ordinary, though. I assembled the cake, cleaned the kitchen, and then concluded the process with a personal wipe-down. I was particularly proud of myself for noticing and removing a perfectly round chocolate “beauty spot” that actually looked quite natural on my cheek.
So later in the day we went out, had a delicious meal (including the raspberry chocolate cake) and a lovely evening; and I came home quietly patting myself on the back for not spilling anything or otherwise embarrassing myself.
Until I glanced in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth before bed. (Wearing a different pair of glasses this time.) And there it was: A brilliant red dot of raspberry filling, centred between my brows like an edible bindi.
It must have been concealed by my glasses during my earlier cleanup. And then I’d taken off the glasses and sallied forth, proudly wearing fruit filling on my forehead.
Nobody mentioned it all evening. In fact, when I pointed it out to Hubby, he said he hadn’t even noticed it. So either our friends are tactful people with iron self-control; or we’re all just getting too old to see properly without our glasses. Either way, I’m calling it a win.
Has anybody else worn food as a fashion statement lately? Please tell me I’m not the only one…
Book 18 update: I’m on Chapter 25, and Aydan’s trying hard not to throttle her annoying new partner. But he might know something critical about her past, so she’ll have to keep her irritation under control… at least for now.
Author Diane Henders 
Nice post. Thanks for sharing
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I have to say, I can’t beat that!! Being a very visual thinker, you had me laughing out loud when you described your “brilliant red dot of raspberry filling, centred between my brows like an edible bindi.” I had to explain to my wife why I was suddenly laughing out loud!! Love it!!
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Hooray! I’m always happy when I can make you laugh out loud! 🙂
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Tried to comment. No luck.
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Sorry about that. Thanks for trying. At least this one got through – I’ll go and check WordPress’s spam folders.
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Okay, now I’m suspicious: The spam and trash folders are both empty. Zero emails. Something is definitely wrong!
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Oh, I’m sure you’re not the only one! Most people either don’t notice or don’t like to share these food experiences. I’m a very messy eater, so I’m sure I often wear food decorations. And, I rarely look into a mirror, so they could last for ages.
Most recently, Mark and I went out for a pizza – well, one each and they were yummy – and when the owner passed by our table to see if everything was okay, I had to ask my burning question: “Where did you find that bag of fresh arugula?” (Since we are very unsuccessful finding any decent produce in this remote neck of the woods.) As I was listening to her answer, Mark kept gesturing something about my face. Eventually, he told me my face was full of crumbs and cheese. Who knows what the lady was thinking, but she (luckily) didn’t understand English.
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LOL! I prefer to think that the “crumbs and cheese” look is a compliment to the chef. (That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.) 🙂
Did you ever track down the arugula?
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Came for exploding food. Was not disappointed. 😁
It’s not common for me to wear food outside the house, but once I’m behind the privacy of my own doors, all bets are off (or all food is on, depending on how you look at it). And despite my knowing full well for decades not to pull the beaters out of the bowl while the handheld blender is still rotating, of course I still slip up and do some impromptu kitchen decorating when I forget. It’s less interesting with mashed potatoes than it is with chocolate cake batter. (And perhaps it’s better I stick to the stand mixer, which has a paddle.)
Food mishaps away from home? Yes, that has happened, but they manifest themselves as stains, or in rare cases a colored, inexplicable blob of something if I’ve had to eat in the car. Thankfully that is not often, and I’m traveling when it happens. I’ll never see these strangers again anyway.
I guess my worst faux pas as of late was dumping a baking pan of half-baked cookies while rotating them in the oven. The parchment paper got away from me, and proceeded to fall between the door and the oven body. We’re still finding the occasional stray piece of hardened dough stuck in inexplicable places inside or beneath the oven.
I’m more mad about the lost cookies…
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Oh, no! Lost cookies! That’s just tragic. I’ve come close to doing the same thing – parchment paper is a wonderful non-stick boon; but that frictionless quality isn’t always a good thing.
I recently had to retire my ancient Mixmaster, and I’ve switched to a paddle-style stand mixer. I love it for cookies, but it’s lousy for cake batter. Most of my kitchen mess was a result of me trying to scrape down the bowl. The Mixmaster was much nicer that way – I could scrape the bowl while the machine was mixing. (Although I probably shouldn’t have been doing that. After all, rotating equipment, yadda, yadda.) Anyhow, for better or worse I’m stuck with the stand mixer now.
Regarding the mashed potato issue: Yep, it’s less exciting in the moment; but it provides hours of cleaning entertainment after the renegade potato blobs set up to the consistency of concrete. 🙂
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I’ve been using a KitchenAid from the early 1990s and it’s still plowing along. I recently bought one of the paddles with the silicone blade on it, which keeps the need to scrape the bowl down to a minimum. Still need to knock down anything that creeps up towards the top though, and I have to use a shield to keep things from popping out the top.
I remember my mom using her old Sunbeam Mixmaster and scraping the bowl as it turned, though. I’m not sure if it still worked when we sold it in the estate sale–it probably did, but all of us already had mixers. She took cake decorating classes for a couple of years, so it made its fair share of buttercream frosting and cake batter.
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I may have to get one of those silicone-edged paddles – that would make the scraping process much easier for runny mixes like cake batter!
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I haven’t worn food as a fashion accessory for awhile, but I have been noticing a tendency for me to button up my shirt wrong. Got all the way to church and back before I noticed. No one else said anything (likely just to polite) — maybe because I was wearing a coat …
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Yes, coats can hide a multitude of sartorial sins. I hate to admit it, but I have been known to glance at my soiled T-shirt, mentally calculate the chances of being forced to remove my coat and reveal it, and take the chance anyway. Usually I get away with it… 😉
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