It pains me to admit that despite my commitment to remaining as immature as possible, my eyes have ignored the mandate and grown up. In fact, they’ve embraced middle age with the same fervent enthusiasm as a teenager with a first crush.
The instructions on everything are now written in much smaller print than they used to be. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.) My distance vision is sharp and clear, but I spend far too much time hunting for the correct pair of reading glasses.
One pair for computer work. Another pair for close work. A third pair for that awkward range between one and four feet. Bifocals for when I need to alternate frequently between close and mid-range. I have umpteen pairs of glasses lying around the house, but the chances of finding the pair I need when I need them are slim to none.
Not only that, but I’m developing Phantom Glasses Syndrome. Again.
When I was young I wore glasses fulltime. When I finally switched to contacts it took about two years for me to stop pushing my glasses up on my nose even though the glasses were long gone.
Just to compound the embarrassment, I was young enough when I started wearing glasses that I didn’t know the significance of the middle finger. And when I first developed the habit of pushing up my glasses, that was the finger I used.
Trust me, you haven’t been truly humiliated until you realize you’ve inadvertently flipped the bird to the entire audience at a public-speaking competition.
At least these days I know enough not to involve the middle digit in my habitual tics; but there’s still ample scope for embarrassment. My distance vision is so good now that it drives me nuts to look through reading glasses and have everything in the distance blurred. So if I look up from my close work for even a minute, I perch the reading glasses on top of my head.
You can see where this is going. Yep: Me, running around loudly cursing my lost glasses, only to have Hubby point out that they’re on the top of my head.
And that’s my other problem: After spending so much time with my glasses up there, I feel the grip of the earpieces on my temples whether they’re there or not. So now whenever I need glasses, I pat the top of my head first. It’s okay if the glasses are actually there, but it looks pretty damn foolish when they’re not.
Fortunately I’ve discovered that my need for dignity is inversely proportional to my age. So I’m thinking about adding a verbal tic to that habit just for shits and giggles. Imagine, if you will, a middle-aged woman patting her own head and murmuring softly, “Good girl, Diane; good girl!”
I haven’t done it yet, but I’m tempted. It would make social gatherings quite a bit more interesting… at least until people stopped inviting that weird old bag who keeps patting herself and mumbling.
But I suppose that’s still better than flipping everybody off.
Or maybe not… 😉
Anybody else have Phantom Glasses Syndrome?