Lately my face has mounted a malicious campaign against me, and it’s being aided and abetted by my middle-aged eyes.
My near vision has deteriorated to the point where I can’t see myself clearly in the mirror unless I’m wearing reading glasses, so when I glance in the mirror I look great… as far as I know. Wrinkles? What wrinkles? The soft-focus face I see in the mirror doesn’t have any. It also doesn’t have any zits or nose hairs or big greebly chin-whiskers… until I put on my reading glasses and YIKES!
So I’ve gotten wise to the games of my traitorous body parts. Now I wear glasses every time I look in the mirror. They won’t get the better of me again!
A while ago I went for a physio treatment, then ran errands all over town. When I finally got home I glanced in the mirror only to discover I had creases in my face that looked like a topographical model of the Grand Canyon. No wonder people were giving me those wary sidelong glances. Even a couple of hours later, the marks were still faintly visible. Life just isn’t kind to redheads with fish-belly-white complexions.
So I developed a workaround for physio, propping my face at odd and uncomfortable angles so that I could get up off the table and still pop into the grocery store without frightening the other customers.
I smugly believed I’d won. My face wouldn’t betray me again.
How wrong I was.
I recently discovered a floral art club that was having a public demonstration (and I just proofread that sentence and found I’d originally written “pubic demonstration”). Anyhow, I popped in to take a look. At the flowers. Geez.
Being new in the area and hoping to make friends, I always try to put my best face forward at these events. I was warmly welcomed and directed to a table where they offered free dainties and coffee/tea along with (to my delight) chocolate-dipped strawberries.
I snagged a couple of strawberries and sat down to gobble the goodies. Then, being extra-careful because I wanted to make a good impression, I mopped my face thoroughly with the napkin just in case I had any vestiges of chocolate left on my lips.
The floral demonstration went on much longer than I’d expected, so I had to leave early to get to some other appointments. Thank goodness I’d been sipping tea, because that meant I also needed to pee.
I ducked into the washroom on my way out, and no; I didn’t have any chocolate on my lips. But I must have dropped a chunk onto the napkin before wiping my face, because my right cheek sported a giant dark-brown smear. It was big enough to be easily visible from outer space anywhere in the room; and I’d been sitting there for an hour. No wonder the other women had given me those odd tentative smiles before turning hurriedly away.
So my face has won another round. I don’t even want to know what it has planned next, but I’m sure I’ll soon find out.
Please tell me I’m not the only one battling a subversive face…