Wardrobe Dysfunction

/ Diane Henders

I was tempted to title this post “Wardrobe Malfunction”, but my compulsive desire for accuracy prevented me: I haven’t (recently, anyway) flashed any inappropriate body parts to an unsuspecting audience. But my wardrobe is definitely function-impaired.

I’ve mentioned before that I hate dressing up, and my wardrobe reflects that. Fortunately, I don’t really care; except on the rare occasions (like last week) when I’m forced into it. Then I scurry into the time capsule that is my closet, and flip through its contents hoping that at least one of my ancient outfits will roughly correspond to the current fashions. This quest would be considerably less stressful if I were actually familiar with the current fashions; but that knowledge always eludes me.

For nearly any other ‘how-to’ instructions, YouTube is my first and last destination. But for fashion? Oh hell no.

You’d think that videos titled “Fall Fashion Trends for 2023” would be a slam-dunk, but as I studied the incomprehensible mishmash of tight / baggy / long / short / wide / narrow / unadorned / blingy / classic / holyshitwhat-is-she-wearing garments, the only conclusion I could draw was that “the current style” is “any style of clothing I’ve worn anytime within the past five decades, and then some”.

But I’ve lived long enough to know that can’t be true. In fact, the “current fashion” is “any clothing that looks like any style I’ve worn in the past five decades, but in fact has been bought within the past ten minutes at an outrageously inflated price”.

So I did what I always do: Grabbed one of my old standbys, and went out and had a good time anyway.

And to my shock, all my clothing performed faultlessly, and so did I. No embarrassing exposures. No sticky disintegrating shoes. No errant vegetables swinging in my hair. No food-flinging. No awkward hair-related twitching or squirming. Good Lord, could I finally be developing some social graces, or at least a minimal level of social competence?!? (Don’t answer that. I prefer to cling to my illusions.)

Anybody else want to join my fashion rebellion?

Book 18 progress: I’m on Chapter 12 and Aydan is having one of those days. She managed to escape charges for assault and breaking and entering; but indecent exposure and public intoxication are still a possibility…

31 thoughts on “Wardrobe Dysfunction”

  1. Retro is good! Lately, I’ve raided the dark corners of my closet where lots of my old “work wear” still reside giving them a new lease of life. Oversized sweaters, wide-legged trousers, jackets with ridiculous shoulders from the ’80s (I removed the shoulder pads making them fashionably slouchy) It works!!! The best part: they still fit! Just sayin’ the old shit is new again! :0P

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  3. I just wear black.
    And some things that are now a faded grey. I pretend they’re the latest fashion, and no-one has suggested or told me otherwise. I probably wouldn’t listen if they did.

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  4. In Eastern Europe, one dresses to go grocery shopping. Tanya loves to dress up and seems to know what is stylish but we have no where to go really well dressed so owning is pointless. She does get highly embarrassed at what I have attempted to wear. She says women will look at me and judge her.
    On the subject of wardrobe malfunction, when my son was first married his wife managed a clothing and shoe store in a mall. She had a guy come in one day who seemed uncomfortable but would not stop buying. When he finally left, she looked down and found she was unbuttoned to the navel. We sure teased her about her sales gimmick.

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    • Oh, ouch! Hell of a gimmick, but probably not one she ever repeated. 😉

      Poor Tanya must be horrified by our slobbishness over here. I’ve never understood how European women manage to look chic even in a parka. The rest of us just look like the Michelin Man.

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  5. I always wanted to be a fashionista, but I either didn’t have the money or I didn’t have the figure. Or sometimes both. I was a Frankenstein’s monster. If my body was a jigsaw puzzle you would never believe that these pieces went together in any way shape or form. So for me, instead being fun and full of personality, fashion has always been about camouflage. And I loved thrift stores where I could buy a lot more for my money and layer it all to make outfits that wouldn’t get me laughed at. I’ve had more than one embarrassing wardrobe incident so not being laughed at was a definite goal.
    I loved dresses and if I’d had my way when I was young I would have worn nothing else. But then there were sports. If there was a roundish object in the vicinity that could be thrown and caught, I went after it. I wanted the dresses but… so many embarrassing moments.
    These days I try for flattering comfort but it’s still mostly about camouflage, even if the bits being camouflaged have changed over the years😜.

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    • Good camouflage is wonderful! My contents have shifted over the years, too; so I’m a fan of anything that skims over those jiggly bits.

      I think my mother would have preferred to have had you for a daughter. She loved pretty clothes, and she was a talented seamstress who sewed all our family’s clothes. She tried sending me to Grade 1 in dresses, but not only did I hate them, I also had the same irresistible compulsion to chase balls that you have. Plus I climbed trees and swung upside-down on the monkeybars and crawled around in the mud catching salamanders and… well, you get the picture. Fashion just never had a chance with me.

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  6. I have never been accused of being stylish and likely never will. Although I do have a couple of dresses for the rare occasion where they are necessary I always think I look awkward in them, or maybe its just because I feel awkward. Jeans and t-shirts have been my go to for years. Comfortable dressing is key for me. I have worked from home for over 20 years and I think the majority of my clients have seen me in my pyjamas if they happen to show up unannounced.

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    • That’s awesome! I chuckled over your comment about feeling uncomfortable in dress-up clothes. Long ago (I forget the occasion), someone snapped a family photo. Studying it afterward, they exclaimed, “Wow, you really look like your Dad!”

      I replied, “Yeah, we both look uncomfortable.” Dad hated dressing up just as much as I do. 🙂

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      • Thanks, Judy! No danger of a wardrobe malfunction tonight; or at least if I do have a malfunction, Hubby will be the only one to see it while we enjoy a quiet evening at home. Tomorrow I’ll be cooking turkey dinner for 10 people, but any wardrobe malfunctions should be concealed by my apron. As long as I remember to put on pants in the morning, everything will be fine… 😉

        A very merry Christmas to you, too!

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  7. I wish you would have added a photo of you in your fancy outfit to this post, Diane! Like you, I’m not aware – and have never been – of any fashion. Luckily, I never cared and now I certainly don’t have to, traveling on the road in my own home on wheels, in South America.

    I do have a few items of nicer clothing stored somewhere, but have no idea when those will come in handy again. By the way, do your older clothes still fit?? By the sounds of it, they do, so that’s another victory right there!

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    • That’s true, I’m glad all my old clothes still fit! I’ve saved a lot of money that way. I weigh the same now as I did in 1982. Granted, I’d just gained the “freshman fifteen” at that time, and it’s stuck with me ever since; but at least the extra pounds haven’t invited any of their little friends over to have a party.

      Sadly, my outfit last week wasn’t fancy at all: Black yoga pants, a short-sleeved turtleneck, and my favourite black-and-tan sweater with stylized cats on it. The fact that that’s “dressed up” for me is a sad commentary on my normal sartorial standards. 😉

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  8. I’m guilty of wardrobe dysfunction myself. As I largely work from home, my summertime garb is cotton shorts and t-shirt, and it gets changed up to sweats and t-shirt in colder months, sometimes a sweatshirt if the drafts in this old house are particularly persistent. I actually never liked wearing jeans my entire life, and to this day probably haven’t worn them since the mid 2010s. I’ve taken to wearing scrubs if I need long pants–they’re black enough to pass for thin black cargo pants, but have a much more comfortable waist.

    My t-shirt collection (wait, one collects clothing?) seems to have broadly supported the economies of Colorado and Utah (and to a lesser extent, New Mexico and Arizona). 😁

    Comfort is king for me today, and I can’t even think of the prospect of having to “dress up.” A few sweaters is all I’ve got these days, and two lone pairs of “casual” pants that like jeans, are way too uncomfortable to suffer a few hours through. But with my rethinking my career choices at this point, I may (seriously) end up selling furniture if business remains stagnant. Not that it’s a bad gig (my better half’s dad wants to retire from the store soon–he’ll be 83 in January). But aside from having to deal with the public, which isn’t something I care to go back to, it’s those darned clothes! Nobody dresses up there–it’s all casual (think Dockers, sweaters, polo shirts, etc.), but I can deal with it if I have to. Then maybe part of the extra funds can go towards more appropriate clothing…or more t-shirts.

    So you’re not alone in your wardrobe dysfunction! We may need to find a support group or something. Or maybe not. 😁

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    • We can form our own support group. We’ll have to get T-shirts! 😉

      Yeah, that whole “looking presentable while dealing with the public” thing is overrated; but I think my biggest problem is acting presentable while dealing with the public. Probably not an issue for you (or any other normal human being).

      And hey, I think a T-shirt collection is grand! T-shirts are my favourite souvenir — they don’t take up much space, they’re not too expensive, I get to remember the trip every time I wear them, and by the time I’m sick of them they’re ready for the rag-bag anyway. Win!

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      • I sometimes wonder if too many t-shirts is an advantage–I could go nearly a month and have a clean shirt for each day, without having to do laundry!

        The old tees get used when I’m working outdoors, so they get good mileage. Others I’ve….umm….outgrown as I’ve gotten older. I stopped getting taller when I was 18, so I don’t quite understand the problem. 🤣

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        • LOL! Clearly your T-shirts have shrunken with age. I’ve heard that can happen.

          It sounds as though you and I have the same attitude toward T-shirts. I have a month’s worth, too; but only half of them can be worn where anybody might see me. The rest are gardening/auto wrenching/painting/workout clothes. Well-ventilated, with an *ahem* creative pattern of “decorations” (read ‘stains’). 🙂

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  9. I have no idea what the current fashion is. Never have. I have a few basic dressing rules: 1. Put clothes on before leaving the house. Long sleeve shirts in winter, short in summer. Always wear long pants to church, weddings or funerals. Don’t wear flannel to an expensive restaurant. The more expensive the restaurant, the more polyester clothing should be worn.

    and I promise to wear a tie to your funeral service. I own two for just such occasions.

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    • I really enjoyed this one because it was just a small group with time to sit and have an actual conversation. (And my clothes were comfortable!) 🙂 I’m not fond of big events where you end up having thirty seconds of small talk with each of 50 people.

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  11. I’ve been reading Barbra Streisand’s book and am fascinated by her approach to clothing. She is ALSO not one for dressing in the latest fad and has a fondness for shopping at vintage stores, then kind of mixing and matching. Some of her outfits in movies came from her personal collection of things. I love that! Buy used, quirky styles and make it your own. I can get behind that WAY better than the latest fad or trend, which never looks good on me anyhow.

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