The Spandex Menace

I just got back from another road trip, and I feel it’s my duty to warn everyone about the threat I discovered while travelling:  stretch pants.  They may feel comfy, but the truth is that those spandex tubes are plotting against our health and fitness.

Oh, they conceal their evil intentions well enough.  They call themselves ‘exercise wear’ and pretend to encourage us in a healthy lifestyle, but all the while they’re sabotaging our efforts.  In fact… (call the tabloids, ‘cause this is hot stuff) spandex actually nourishes fat cells.

How did I determine this, you ask?

Through rigorous scientific observation and testing, of course.  After all, have you ever known me to jump to a conclusion or engage in hyperbole?  Never in a million-zillion years!

Here’s how I figure it:

I’m normally a jeans girl.  Whether I’m digging in the garden or working on a car or banging together some ridiculously over-engineered carpentry project, jeans provide practicality, comfort, and protection.  But when I know I’m going to be sitting in the car for hours at a time, I change into stretch pants.  So last week I put on the spandex and hit the road.

Well.  Let me tell you.

After six days, I donned my jeans again only to discover that my butt runneth over.  My muffin-top has grown into a dinner roll.  And the only possible culprit is (you guessed it) stretch pants.

I mean, really, it couldn’t have been anything else.  I was eating my usual three meals a day plus one dessert.  Maybe the meals were approximately double my normal portion; but six days shouldn’t make that much difference, right?  I even skipped my four o’clock snack most days, so I’m sure I should’ve been losing weight.

And eating a giant ice cream cone every day couldn’t have been the cause.  Ice cream is a dairy product, which is healthful.  Health food couldn’t possibly make me gain weight.

Plus, all that time in the car was hard on my nerves, and everybody knows stress ratchets up your metabolism.  I should have been melting the pounds away.  It’s simple logic.

But I didn’t.  So it must have been the fault of the stretch pants.

Those bastards clung to my body for six straight days, whispering sweet nothings to my fat cells and feeding their egos until they swelled up like little pillows.  Then the fat cells invited all their friends over to my waistline and had themselves a party.  The friends invited more friends, and pretty soon the whole place was overflowing.

Now, like disapproving parents, my jeans have returned to the scene of the party to evict the interlopers.  So far they’ve only succeeded in squeezing them up and over my waistband, but I hope if I call the calorie police right away they’ll be able to banish the last of the stragglers.

But meanwhile, no more stretch pants.  Take it from me, those suckers are the enemy.

Remember, you heard it here first!

* * *

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35 thoughts on “The Spandex Menace

  1. Pingback: Snow Warning | Author Diane Henders

  2. I’m pretty sure you’re right … sadly, your warning came too late. I haven’t worn jeans for years. Draw your own conclusions. *sob*

    And when you find out how to reverse the process, let a girl know, eh?


  3. LOL! I can confirm your findings. There can be no other possible explanation. I’d start a bonfire with my old “exercise-wear,” but I’m afraid the smell of burning spandex might attract EPA agents.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, Diane! My heart goes out to you with how those pesky stretch pants have treated you. I have a quick word of warning for you, however… never, NEVER buy the next size up jeans as an interim measure. They work in exactly the same way as those stretch pants. Believe you me. In fact, I no longer have a belly button. I have a belly line…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Spandex shows too much of what I don’t want to see, but then the nice details might be there, too. I am way too self conscious to show everything I’ve got, especially after about age 45. I’m so glad it is more of a woman thing. I’ll stick with denim.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What about nudist colonies? I’ve never been within sight of one, but I’ve heard that it is not the place to view lithe, well-toned men and women. If containing oneself in spandex or loose-fitting comfy drawstring pants causes fat cells to increase, then letting all that flesh fly must negate any real muscle tone and fuel all those fat cells at sonic speed.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bwaaaaa-hahahahahahaaaaaaaa

    But…but….but…..okay, you’re right!!!! I started my stretch pants wearing in high school because I had Choir right after lunch, and it was hard to take a nice big breath with jeans and a full tummy…..and yeppers…. I am way past my ideal body weight.

    Now that I know the culprit is the pants, the battle is half won!!!! Updates to follow…..

    Liked by 1 person

  8. As usual, most of us have overthought this whole process. You’ve simplified it for us. Damn stretch pants. Can I lump what I call comfy pants in there too…those nice, loose fit pajama type pants with the drawstring waistband? Those suckers allow the fat cells the necessary oxygen for cell replication. Ugh.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Hehe so leggings must be bad as well no wonder my jeans are snug on occasions, I thought it was coz I washed them but now I know its the leggings.

    Didn’t get that job but yet again I’m told it was close

    I’m enjoying a day relaxing doing very little, just light housework and laundry

    Liked by 1 person

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