Cremation, Cucurbits, And Coc… Erm… ‘Roosters’

/ Diane Henders

This week’s silliness comes to you courtesy of my friend and long-suffering employee, David, who went to considerable effort to snap the following photo for me:

Ummm…. Okay…?

Ummm…. Okay… There’s an unexpected combo…

This is why David and I have worked together so well for so long: a complete meeting of minds over all things even remotely humorous. We laughed ourselves silly(er). Cremation and hospitality? Is there a brew pub in the basement so you can suck back a few pints after immolating the mortal remains of your loved ones? Or maybe they rent out the chapel for weddings and bar mitzvahs in between memorial services?

I guess it could be worse, though. My mind immediately leaped to other unfortunate potential combinations like ‘Cremation and Wild-West Weenie Roast’, but maybe that’s too tasteless entirely. (And there’s nothing worse than a tasteless weenie.)

Speaking of weenies, last week I speculated that my zucchini might have suffered shrinkage due to the frosty outdoor temperatures. Eh, no. Not even close.

Just as plump and perky as ever (the zukes, not me).

Just as plump and perky as ever (the zukes, not me).

I realize these are nothing compared to the behemoths that grow in more temperate climates, but those gardeners know better than to turn their backs on a zucchini plant for two weeks at a time. I shoved these bad boys into the downstairs fridge, and when I went down to check on them the next day they’d wedged themselves against the door in a bid for freedom. I’m pretty sure they’re still growing. Maybe the researchers who developed Viagra should be studying zucchini right about now.

Anyway, floating along this stream of consciousness…

I spotted this on my walk yesterday:

Yes, that says ‘Rooster Scented Jasmine Rice’

Yes, that says ‘Rooster Scented Jasmine Rice’

For those of us who grew up on a farm, this brings to mind (or rather ‘to nose’) a far-too-vivid image. Have you ever smelled a rooster? Nasty. Just nasty.

But it could have been worse. They might have used a synonym for ‘rooster’. I’d love to see the reactions of passersby if they’d been advertising ‘Cock Scented Rice’.

Maybe you think I’m reaching a bit with that thought, but I assure you I’m not. This fine product is available from Amazon if your local grocery doesn’t carry it: http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Cock-Flavored-Soup-Mix/dp/B002Q46EH6

Yes, this is a real food product.

Yes, this is a real food product.

And speaking of Amazon, I just had to share a capture of the screen that displayed when I looked up the soup mix. Note the ‘Also-Viewed’ offerings: ‘50 Ways to Eat Cock: Healthy Chicken Recipes With Balls’, and ‘Aunty‘s Spotted Dick Pudding’.

Amazon has a dirtier mind than I do.

Amazon has a dirtier mind than I do.

Ahem.

As usual, my stream of consciousness has carried me far past the point where I should have paddled hurriedly ashore and portaged past the treacherous bits.

So, leaving behind the sordid beginnings of this post, I’ll finish off with something bearing no connection to cremation, cucurbits, or cocks. (Though, come to think of it, it does include two out of three of those. Dang, if I’d had Aydan eating zucchini instead of peas from her garden I could’ve scored the trifecta.)

Anyway, voilà: I’ve finally finished another cover update. This one’s for Book 3: Reach For The Spy:

Reach For The Spy cover updated 2015

Quite a change from the original, but I didn’t feel comfortable pointing even an unloaded weapon at my photographer friends.

 

66 thoughts on “Cremation, Cucurbits, And Coc… Erm… ‘Roosters’”

  1. Just finished book 10, as much as I wanted to read in a matter of hours, I know I have to wait til next year for the next one. Work annoyed me keep interupting my reading, but I finally got there. Loved it.
    was soo pleased there is still the triangle with kane and hellhound and aydan.
    After the end of 10, im becoming more team hellhound than kane, though personally id have both but im greedy

    Love love loved it
    best one yet

    just have to wait for book 11 now

    karen xxx

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  2. My head hurts and my eyes are tired. I read Spy Away Home in less than 24 hours. Great stuff again. You never pen a predictable storyline and I love that. The characters are just getting better. Now the rash begins again while I await book 11. No pressure 🙂

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  3. Your signs are hilarious. Do people ever think before they put up a sign? And Chinese food comes in some very strange flavours. As do their translations.
    Your picture with the zucchini would do as a cover for your book on alien sex. Just sayin’

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  4. It’s always good to see my old friends again and know they’re all doing well, and they’re all here! And they’re all in fine form!

    Spy Away Home is the best yet. Very well done, Diane. Very well indeed.

    If I didn’t enjoy your work so much, I wouldn’t be hassling you all the time about getting the next one done. From nail-biting suspense to laugh-out-loud funny, it’s all there. You done good.

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  7. What better way to spend the rest of a sleepless night. It’s a little after 2 a.m. and got tired of fighting the covers so I get up, fire up the old ‘puter and OILA! I am now the proud owner of #10! I was going to do the pre-order but didn’t have the nerve. I tried it once and the book I chose never came through. (not one of yours Diane!) It became a nightmare trying to make Amazon understand that I did not receive it. I don’t cry easily but that time I did and developed a whole new Blue vocabulary.
    Been hobbling around with a knee brace on since my knee gave out on me last week. Had surgery on it some time back and it has given me fits ever since. All I did was take a step to the right and it felt like a spear went through the cap. Plus hubby is down sick again and will go in to the hospital next week to have a heart shock treatment. (can’t remember the name of the procedure but it’s supposed to get the heart back to normal)
    I loved the post last week and this one too. Most of our signs around here are not that provocative but are full of misspellings, which is funny in it’s own right. Saying good night now and keeping my appointment with a really good book. Things are good again.

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      • We’ll be fine, just takes time. I’ve told my doc that I am just no good at being an old person. He knows I am certifiable so he’s not worried. I don’t think so anyway. Thoroughly enjoying #10. I realized that reading the new one was like going home to family. I’ve gotten so used to the characters and the areas they are in, it’s familiar and like my personal, fantasy friends. LOL
        I also realized that I totally misspelled “Voila”. I’ll have to look up what the heck Oila means, if anything! I need to proofread my posts more often.
        Back to reading. Already looking forward to #11. Ahhh, your books are my guilty pleasures I do believe.

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          • Oh, Diane! I got to the last chapter and posted my review early, couldn’t wait to let others know what a hit this is. Beyond words. I felt like I was in the action through the entire story. My gosh, I laughed, I stayed tense, bit a few nails, laughed some more. I worried, a lot, then just dove right into the action. At the end I was breathless and felt like I was in an audience, all standing and cheering while the actors, John, Ayden, Hellhound, Spider, Stemp, Linda, Lola, Jack, Germaine, ALL of them came on stage holding hands and taking a long bow. Did I say “beyond words”? LOL
            Of course I will do my reread. Always. Egads, I love this series!

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            • My word, I almost forgot the most important part. As the audience cheers the actors, they are all shouting “Author! Author!” LOL
              Seriously, this was wonderful, and as glbryant said, “you done good”.
              (It could happen you know, it should happen)

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            • Aw, thank you! I’m thrilled that you loved it – that makes my day! 😀 (And I’d be happy with the audience yelling for the author as long as they aren’t holding weapons… or ballistic rutabagas…)

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  8. Wasnt sure where to add this really. Couldn’t pre-order from my actual kobo but I now have book 10, having snoozed a little im ready to read for a couple of hours/ for the rest of the night.
    so looking forward to diving in enjoy you guys
    Diane your wonderful mwah x

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    • LOL! No pressure at all… ’cause I don’t know for sure. I’ve set myself an arbitrary deadline of the end of March, but it will really depend on how things go. If life doesn’t throw me any curveballs, it might be earlier; if life throws spitballs, it might be later. The only thing you can count on is that I’ll keep posting my progress (or lack thereof) every week. 😉

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  14. Glbryant mentioned funny signage on marquees. We once saw a sign while driving on a back road going through a very small town. No marquee- just the name of the church- Little Hope Baptist Church. I actually don’t remember what denomination the church was, and I am not singling out anyone except those who decided that the best choice for their church name was Little Hope.
    Glbryant, even though you don’t have proof, you must have memories. C’mon- details!
    I have a sister who lives in Germany. I was there on the occasion of her husband’s ordination as a lay minister. The reception afterward in the church fellowship hall featured wine, beer and snacks. For all the alcohol flowing, the people remained pretty stiff and formal. Alcohol served in a church hall is a bit shocking to someone brought up Baptist. Why not party while you prepare your loved ones for their last resting place? It seems appropriate if you’re Irish, German, or Japanese. Why should North Americans not get to share in the fun?

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    • Funny signage? Used to live in a little town up in the Texas Panhandle that had a marquee out front. Usually had a funny something on it, but occasionally, it would have something like:

      Mary Smith, please come pick up your bad check. Bring cash. This is the last time. You are cash only here from now on.

      No kidding. Of course, it was hysterical if your name wasn’t Mary Smith. 🙂

      The whole town was amazed at how many of the local residents continued to try to pass bad checks there. We knew they were local. The place would not take out of town checks in the first place.

      I love small towns. 🙂

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  16. Yey two days to book 10.
    the rooster sign amused me limit 2 and after limit?? So there is no limit just a higher price, though why would you want 3??? Or more?!

    I have to confess I delete my amazon history coz some of it is scary.
    It does seem harder to find porn unless you really want to and even then it can be challenging.

    Love the new covers.

    and pleased you zucchini didnt shrink 😉

    eagerly awaiting friday, but wait when friday? Do I have to wait for Canadian friday to start?? Is is a UK friday good

    hugs karen xx

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    • Thanks, Karen! As far as I know, it’ll be 12:01 AM Friday in each time zone, but I won’t really know for sure until it happens. This is the first time I’ve been able to set up pre-orders, so I’m as much in the dark as everyone else. 🙂

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  18. Love the cover! I understand completely about the cover pose. And those certainly are some perky, uh, veggies you got there. 🙂

    I’ve found funny stuff in the form of seeming incongruities on church signs, movie signs, drive-in burger joints, dry cleaners, coin-op laundries, car washes, big-box stores (that in itself is funny!), and especially elementary schools! Gad, whoever posts those signs at schools is either not paying nearly enough attention, or they’re paying ‘way too much attention!

    But as you say, I have no photographic evidence, so it didn’t happen. Actually, I can say that about a lot of things. But that’s a whole other story. 🙂

    Two more days. (Foot still tapping. Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s all out of your hands now. But impatience is not fueled by indifference.)

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    • I always wonder if those questionable signs are intentional. ‘Cause if you don’t mind people thinking you’ve made an unfortunate mistake, it’s actually great advertising. Far more memorable than a straight-faced message!

      And thanks for being impatient! Soon, soon… 😉

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  19. Boy, your browser history must be one interesting place.

    But I think you’ve hit on something great–a bar in a funeral home. That would certainly get the party started. Departed loved ones with a good sense of humor would probably be delighted to see their guests having a good time and using alcohol to dull their inhibitions when they give their speeches. Imagine what they might say then. The truth will be revealed within the fumes of Jack Daniels…

    Your cover looks great!

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    • Thanks, Carrie! Yes, my browser history is entertaining, but I’m truly shocked at the fact that I’ve only once accidentally hit a porn site. With some of the search terms, I’ve squeezed my eyes shut and pressed the Enter button with trepidation, but so far Google’s been keeping it clean.

      And I’d be thrilled to think my funeral was being held in a bar! I’d much rather have people cheerfully inebriated than miserably sober. 🙂

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