A Clean Post

As my blogging buddy Sue Slaght pointed out last week, you know you’ve hit the big time when one of your blog posts gets banned. Apparently WordPress flagged last week’s post as ‘likely inappropriate’ and blocked it from their Reader application.

Well, dang. Who knew they’d object to a post containing the words p*rn, s*x, scr*tum, sy*hilis, and n*ked? They were obviously okay with allowing the original p*rn commenter to solicit me on my guest book. And I’ve done two other posts with the word n*ked in the title, so it couldn’t be that. The previous week’s post containing ‘s*x’, ‘sy*hilis’, and ‘scr*tum’ got through okay…

Wait; maybe ‘werew*lf’ was the offending word!

I got a belly-laugh out of the whole thing, partly because their tag perfectly fit my blog compilation series. Maybe I should name the upcoming book ‘Likely Inappropriate’ in homage to WordPress’s delicate sensibilities.

The funniest part was that last week’s post was actually one of the cleaner ones I’ve written. I mean, really; I was talking about spam and search terms.  I didn’t even tell any dirty jokes. Jeez.

But I’ve learned my lesson, honest. So this week I’ve written an innocent post full of valuable writing advice. No dirty words at all. This one’s for you, WordPress:

Cleaning Up Your Post

The relationship between blogger and reader is an intimate one, and it’s important to gain your readers’ trust by keeping your post clean. Here’s how:

First, strip away the superfluous trappings to lay the post bare. Every post is different: some require rigorous scrubbing, but for others a light polishing is enough to raise them to their full potential. Some people use an automated process, but the hands-on approach is always more satisfying. Don’t be afraid to experiment. You’ll know you’re doing it right when the subject begins to firm up for you.

Work closely with a reader to identify subtle lingual nuances. Pay attention to how the post feels rolling off the lips and tongue. Savour the sensory experience, reading in multiple passes from top to bottom, then from bottom to top. This technique is important because critical points may be missed if you only go down.

By now your subject should be rock-solid, so it’s time to plunge deeply into the meat of the matter. Pay careful attention to rhythm and be sure you don’t deviate from the main thrust of your post. Any miscues at this point will be, at best, an unpleasant distraction for your reader; and at worst, a complete disaster resulting in messy fallout.

Slowly work toward the climax of your post. Don’t hurry. When the time is right you can switch to the hard-hitting style that will thrill your readers to the core.

After this you may discover that your post needs a bit more cleaning. That’s normal, but don’t be too heavy-handed. The best strategy is to let the post rest for a while before undertaking the final polishing. Then your magnificent post will be ready to fulfill all your readers’ needs!

Just remember: The extra time and effort you invest in this process will be worth it, ‘cause nobody likes a dirty post.

Thank you, WordPress, for reminding me how important it is to keep it clean!

* * *

Woohoo! The draft is finished for Book 10: Spy Away Home! Just a bit more polishing (sorry, couldn’t resist), and then it’s off to the beta readers.

54 Comments

Filed under Humour, Writing

54 responses to “A Clean Post

  1. Pingback: Too Many Balls | Diane Henders

  2. Very clean, Diane. Polished in fact.

    Like

  3. Well, that was certainly clean. Why am I flushed and sweating???

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Being banned is one thing … but your advice about writing for the reader is a classic!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nothing says you’ve reached the big time as much as being banned.

    Liked by 1 person

      • By being banned, you join such “disreputable” authors as John Steinbeck, J.D. Salinger, Harper Lee, James Joyce, Alice Walker, Orwell, Hemingway, and Faulkner, among others.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Sadly, that’s the only commonality between my writing and theirs… 😉

          Like

          • moondance4me

            Diane, while your style may be a “tad” different 😉 than John Steinbeck, J.D. Salinger, Harper Lee, James Joyce, Alice Walker, Orwell, Hemingway, and Faulkner, among others, your talent takes no back seat to anyone. I’ve read pretty much all of the others and while they were certainly good, I can honestly say this, I’ve enjoyed your books and had so much more fun reading them than the above list. Never, ever doubt yourself. Somewhere back in time I had heard my Mom use this saying when someone was good at something and it stayed good for ages. “Talent will out”. Not sure exactly what that meant other than probably real talent will out last everyone else. It fits you.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Concur, Moondance. I’ve read every word Steinbeck ever wrote, including early essays and such and most everything from all the others mentioned. But I’ve REREAD Diane’s work more than all the rest put together, because her stuff IS FUN!

              Like

              • moondance4me

                Absolutely. I have also reread Diane’s work several times. I still keep them in order, #’s 1-2-3-4 etc. so I can always start from the beginning each time. Hubby thinks I’m crazy but each reread shows me some small thing I missed a little bit, or maybe got a little clearer because….her stuff IS FUN! 🙂

                Liked by 1 person

            • Aw, thanks, you guys! *blushes*

              I’ve never aspired to be the next Steinbeck et al, but I always do my absolute best with each of my books. It’s so nice to hear that all my hard work is appreciated! 😀

              Liked by 1 person

  6. Great post. Wish I could have written it in highschool. Would have made the nuns mental.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh and many thanks for the link. I do think being banned is a great compliment. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Oh my friend you are so clever and wildly funny! Congrats on book 10! Wow!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. 🙂
    Glad to see you’re not taking this lying down. As ever, even working in the dark, you managed to put your finger straight on it. I guess clean is the new, well, clean.

    Cheers

    Nigel

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Chris

    Very subliminal. Or was that just MY mind at work?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Love it! Readers must remember not to go soft on the writer as the story reaches its crescendo. Very disappointing for both parties. You could be left full of frustration and in pain. Remember, both the writer and the reader have a job to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. LOL!

    Also, YAY! Can’t wait to read Book 10!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m so glad there will be no more talk of naked werewolf scrotum sex porn in your blog, Diane. And especially in the responses from your readers. I mean, really. Is there no limit here? And if there is, how come? Er, wait. What was that again?

    And remember, more alien porn in Book 11.

    Do I detect a pattern here? I hope? 🙂

    You tho rock, thithter! Congrthulathionth! Phabulouthphphth!

    Like

  14. Lisa Keefner

    I believe I’m glistening from the feverish pace of this blog-ucation. Small minded fools are compensating for small tools of the trade. Please continue to stimulate your readers with descriptive euphemisms! We need more in this bland world! You are clever.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. moondance4me

    Wonderful! My first time back in a couple weeks (getting some final reports etc. with hubby’s health) and had to go back a couple of posts to catch up. I got this a bit ago and finally stopped laughing so I could respond. Diane, you are a treasure! I started reading, paying attention to the WP puritanical standpoint (yawn, sure) and in continuing on with your post I was seeing the tiny light coming through. It just doesn’t get any better than a Diane Henders response.
    My day is made, once again. Thank you!.
    Oh, and the topping on the desert being the progress on #10. I can consider your Blog my own corner of Heaven. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, welcome back – it’s nice to ‘see’ you! I hope your hubby is doing all right. And thanks; I’m so flattered to hear that I made your day! I wasn’t bothered by the ban since it was probably just a setting in the application’s content filter, but I figure most situations can benefit from a little tongue-in-cheek, ifyaknowwhatImean…

      Liked by 1 person

  16. karen

    Made me giggle and yey to the book being almost done

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Oh my, I feel like I need a shower after reading this post more than after reading your other ones. 😉

    Very clever. Nothing like a little erotica in disguise. (Perhaps you could be the next E.L. James? Not that her books are in disguise. I haven’t read them, but from what I’ve heard, everything goes.)

    Congrats on the draft. That’s wonderful!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Great advice! I would also add bullet points don’t belong in posts. Yes, they’re eye-catching and bold, but posts should be bullet point-free! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Ken Chalk

    I look forward to your POST. It always has humor and information that I enjoy. So f**k if they can’t take a joke. This old world isn’t politically correct and every day language is full of what you say. It would seem to me that the people at world press have had an operation on their rectal cavity and a hot poker is been jammed up there. KEEP UP THE EXCELLENT WORK AND FIND ANOTHER LESS ANAL RETIVE BLOG PUBLISHER!!!

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL! Thanks, Ken! I’m pretty sure they never even read the post; it probably just had a high enough density of ‘dirty’ words that it got flagged by their automated content filter. And I don’t really care whether they block my posts from their Reader application – they didn’t block my site and my readers know where to find me. Mind you, if they’d blocked access to my site I would’ve generated a helluva shitstorm! Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that…

      Liked by 1 person

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