Cockeyed And Crazy

Various people have suggested that my grip on sanity is tenuous at best, perhaps because I tend to zone out and mutter at random moments while I wrestle with plot problems, but mostly because of my tendency to risk unnecessary bodily harm. Usually I just disregard their reality and cheerfully substitute my own, but lately my state of denial has been harder to maintain.

Between kickboxing and home renovation and automotive work there’s rarely a time when I’m not decorated with at least a few bruises or abrasions, but I’ve been a veritable paragon of common sense while my back’s been sore. Weeks have passed with my knuckle skin completely undamaged. Even my fingernails have grown out into clean, smooth half-moons. For somebody who usually uses 10W-30 for hand cream with a manicure by Makita, that’s positively unnatural.

So apparently I’ve decided that some injury is required to restore the balance of the universe. Hubby may not realize this, but he has enabled me in my quest for pain.

It all started when I decided I’d like to have an actual bed for the first time in my adult life. Up until recently our mattress and box-spring sat on a steel bed frame. It was sturdy and practical but ugly as homemade sin, and the middle caster was positioned exactly so as to rip your toes off every time you made the bed.

Hubby and I looked at some new wooden beds, but the prices were exorbitant and the designs were boring. I admit I’m a cheapskate, but it seems to me that if I’m going to pay three thousand dollars for a bed that doesn’t even include a mattress, it better serve me drinks and rock me to sleep. Or rock my world somehow, but we won’t get into that.

So Hubby decided to build us a new bed. I designed it, he built it, and we’re delighted with the result in cherry and live-edge maple burl:

This photo doesn’t do justice to the satiny ripples of figuring in the burls.

This photo doesn’t do justice to the satiny ripples of figuring in the burls.

It’s beautiful. It’s one-of-a-kind.

And it’s dangerous.

We’ve lived in this house for sixteen years, and my reflexes are finely honed to skirt around the end of our bed in the pitch dark. But now the bed is eight inches longer.

I’m pretty sure if you look at the picture closely, you’ll see my kneecaps dangling from the end posts. I’ve smashed into those posts so many times my knees look as though Guido and Luigi paid me a midnight visit with their baseball bats.

And just because it’s not enough of a challenge to unlearn a decade and a half of habit, I’ve also started a two-week trial of eyeglasses that leave my right eye uncorrected so I can continue to see clearly in the distance, while correcting my left to see clearly up close. If I can adjust to that, I can have LASIK surgery on my left eye and ditch the umpteen pairs of reading glasses lying around our house.

But until or unless I get used to that, my depth perception is screwed up.

So I’m squinting cockeyed at the world while I limp around muttering disjointed sentence fragments and occasionally stumbling over imaginary obstacles on a flat smooth floor.

It’s lucky I don’t go out much. The loony-catchers would pick me up for sure.

Please inject a dose of sanity here.  Has anybody else tried the one-eye-for-distance/one-eye-for-closeup thing?

35 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

35 responses to “Cockeyed And Crazy

  1. Sue Weinberg

    Hi Diane, I just discovered your books (absolutely LOVED Never Say Spy), and your blog.

    Thought I would weigh in on your eye question, although I suspect it might be resolved already. I was born cross-eyed and despite 3 surgeries as a child they could never get my eyes to work together. I do not have binocular vision; I only look out of one eye at a time, the other eye just provides peripheral vision. So as I have aged for the last 5-plus decades my vision has deteriorated to the point where one eye is nearsighted and one is farsighted. I read with my left eye and drive with my right eye; I do have voluntary control of which eye I use although it is second nature to swap them without thinking depending on what I am looking at. It’s rather handy as I do not need to wear glasses.

    Several years ago I found out about a training procedure that supposedly will teach my eyes to work together, but if I successfully complete it I would have to wear glasses. So I have decided to postpone the vision training until my eyes get to the point that I would have to wear glasses anyway, and then look into doing the training. I have to admit I really like having one eye nearsighted and one farsighted, although I have always wondered what binocular vision would look like (yes, I do have trouble with judging distance, especially up close – think parallel parking – but it has not stopped me from doing anything I wanted to, including getting a pilots license).

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    • Wow, a pilot’s license, how cool! And it’s good to hear that the one-eye-close-one-eye-far has worked out for you. It seems as though it should work for me, theoretically, but so far it’s only succeeded in annoying me. I didn’t give it a proper trial, though – Christmas arrived and I had too much other stuff on my plate with the release of Book 9. I guess I’ll have to revisit it soon… but in the mean time I just read about a new experimental lens replacement that’s being tested in France. The new lens is supposed to completely restore your youthful ability to focus near-to-far. Hmmm… sounds good if it works!

      I’m glad you enjoyed Never Say Spy, and welcome to my blog! 🙂

      Like

  2. I’d be interested in the results of your experiment as well. Being in miniatures though, it sure would be nice to be able to see up close without glasses. The reading glasses work but they have such a short focal length that it becomes annoying. Maybe I should try those multi-focal contacts.

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    • I’ve temporarily abandoned the experiment. Right now I’m concentrating on finishing Book 9 and it’s just too irritating to deal with compromised vision at the same time. Maybe I’ll try again after Christmas. I’ll keep you posted…

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  3. moondance4me

    Diane, I have to tell you this and I’ll try not to take too much space. You mentioned my mom being a character. Oh yeah. She had a tremendous sense of humor too.
    This happened one afternoon. There was a knock at the door. She answered it. I was in the kitchen when I heard her call for me to come quick. I ran to the front door and as she stood there, noticing she had her hand on a ball bat at the side, I saw who was there. I couldn’t help it. I broke out laughing so hard I had to sit on the end table. The man at the door looked confused, Mom was obviously confused but now laughing too. She said this better be really funny cause she would use the bat on me, “I can tell where you are you know”. The man at the door was a deaf-mute taking donations for the local VFW. He had a card that had the signs for deaf people. Since Mom couldn’t see, she didn’t know what or who it was and he couldn’t talk in order to tell her and had no way to know that she was blind! That sort of thing happened a LOT. One of the reasons I truly miss her.
    Just wanted to share that with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • OMG! Real life truly is stranger than fiction! That poor man – he must have thought he was dealing with a crazy lady. And I can just imagine your mom wondering whether she should swing for the fences. What a great story!

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  4. Jon

    I’ve worn glasses for 50 years, the last twenty with bifocals. The wife got cataract surgery and she chose to get her new lenses for closeup so she needs glasses for distance. I’m waiting for zoom lenses before I let them cut MY eyeballs. My shins have always been been permanently scarred because I am a putz. After decades of abuse they just don’t feel much anymore. Nice work on the bed frame!

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    • Thanks! Zoom lenses would be great – I don’t know why nobody’s invented them yet. Whoever does will be a millionaire. 🙂

      It’s good to know shins toughen up after you hit them a few zillion times, but so far I don’t like blocking kicks in muay thai even wearing shinpads. I think I just have wimpy shins. 😉

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  5. jwjbetts

    That bed is gorgeous!!!! I was pricing out those pieces of wood with bark left on and hot damn they are pricey. I currently have a stack of rough cut oak in my basement that will eventually be an old school style. wish i could post my inspiration photo but im aiming for something that would look good in a cabin. Currently my bed is on pallets lol

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  6. moondance4me

    Unbelievable! We did the same thing some years back. I had the same problem with that center support on the metal frame. Tore my toes up constantly. Hubby made a huge wood bed frame, raised up like the old fashion kinds that you had a step up to get onto it. Loved it. Two things wrong tho’. One being that until you get fully used to the height, getting up in the middle of the night can be a shock to the system. Miss that first step and you’re up pretty much for the night! Second being that since it’s up high and you don’t have to worry about that center metal support, you do have to watch out for the props on hubby’s trolling motor that he had to store under the bed since there’s so much neat storage room dontcha’ know! I was so glad to finally get rid of that motor!
    Your bed is beautiful though. Like someone else said, is there anything you can’t do? Jeeze. you are so talented and it appears hubby is one heck of a woodworker! Kudos!
    The eye thing sounds very irritating. I had cataract surgery a few years ago and as far as vision goes, I’m pleased. Why I needed glasses after that I’m not sure but since I do so much reading and computer work, along with a huge bunch of craft work that’s mostly why I suppose. I certainly hope you get comfortable with it soon.
    I have my new keyboard! PPPPPPPPPPppppppppp{{{{}}}}[[[[]]]] etc and so on!!! EGADS, just a little getting used to one that isn’t as much ergonomic as the last one. Lot’s of typos! LOL
    Do take care of your vision for sure. My mother lost her eyesight at a relatively young age, I was around 12, and it was not easy for her at all. She was a character tho. Lady from the Braille Institute came by and asked how she was handling it. She said “Some people cry a lot, I just swear a lot!”
    Didn’t mean to ramble again, you bring out the chattiness in me. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re always welcome to ramble here! And woohoo!!! A new keyboard, complete with ‘p’! 😀

      Your hubby sounds a little like mine, but so far mine only stashes books under the bed. It’s probably lucky we don’t have enough room under there for a trolling motor, ’cause his domain in the basement is cram-jammed with ‘stuff’. (To quote George Carlin: “Ever notice how other people’s stuff is shit but your shit is stuff?”)

      I get the feeling you might have inherited your mom’s sense of humour. She must have been a strong and wonderful person to meet such a devastating blow with jokes and cussing. I give thanks for my vision regularly – after years of struggling with glasses and contacts, the LASIK is like a dream come true. I’m happy to juggle reading glasses and safety goggles as much as necessary in exchange for the bright clear distance-vision I have. That’s why I’m not sure this experiment will work, but I figured it’s worth a try. 🙂

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      • moondance4me

        I so loved Carlin! Each time I hear hubby say “need to get rid of this stuff”, I can’t help smiling to myself and saying “yeah, all my stuff, your stuff, everybody;s stuff!” **sigh**

        Liked by 2 people

    • Good job with the keyboard, Moondance. You just P’d all over my screen.

      Like I needed that… 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Barbara L. Guzman

    Since I can’t even get used to “no line” bifocals I don’t think the one eye sort/ one eye long distance would work even for a few minutes let alone days! You have my admiral for trying!!

    Regards, Barbara L. Guzman

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Like

    • Thanks, Barbara! So far it’s just been annoying – I feel as though I don’t have good vision at any distance. But this is only my second day, so I still have high hopes that my brain will somehow rewire itself in the next two weeks. Time will tell… 🙂

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  8. Oh Diane I say “Ouch” on your behalf. It is a beautiful bed however but I imagine your knees don’t agree.
    I am wearing multifocal contact lenses which are working brilliantly for m aging eyes. I have been able to get rid of my dozen pairs of reading glasses. I also have multifocal glasses which I eventually adjusted to.

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  9. You designed it, and Hubby built it. You designed it. Sorry, kiddo, no sympathy here. Your injuries are self-inflicted.

    The piece is beautiful, though, and Hubby does nice work. We’ll done, both of you. But no sympathy here. 🙂

    I went through the vision thing years ago. Cataract surgery one eye at a time a year apart, so I know what you mean. I did that for a whole year. Hated it. Was glad when I got both eyes fixed. I went for far sighted. That way I can continue to wear glasses for doing close work and reading. Prescription safety glasses. I’m a freak for eye protection, and I never have to search for safety glasses in the shop. Food for thought there.

    And almotht thixty-three perthent! You Tho rock, Thithter! 🙂

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    • Thankth! 🙂 I definitely prefer far-sighted, too – I love being able to see the twigs on trees that are blocks away. That’s why I’m not sure I’ll be able to adjust to one eye blurry for distance, but time will tell. The glasses cost $25 off the internet, so it’s a cheap experiment if nothing else.

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  10. You never cease to amaze me. Is there anything you can’t do? That bed is gorgeous! So gorgeous, in fact, that I’d say your injuries from it are worth it. Then again, it’s not my knee caps dangling from it. 😉

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  11. It’s a lovely bed! the pointy corners on the end-posts look a bit treacherous, though… especially in the middle of the night! I have a dozen pairs of reading glasses around, but thankfully my distance vision has always been fine. (My glasses all seem to congregate when I’m not watching, so I usually have to go searching for them)

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    • Thank you; and you’re right about the pointy corners! We may have to make a few adjustments.

      I wore glasses when I was a kid but I had LASIK years ago and now my distance vision is great… but my close vision is deteriorating. It seems as though these days I accessorize my house with reading glasses – there’s a pair lying around in every room.

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  12. Are you certain the optometrist was properly trained? If he was working out of a van parked in an alley, I’m guessing not.

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  13. First off, the bed is absolutely gorgeous!! Such a show piece to be handed down for generations, dangling knee-caps and all! 😉 As far as the glasses go, I hear ya … or maybe I see ya, would be more accurate. I have them everywhere now too. I always think it’s odd that no matter which pair I pick up they’re dirty. Every. Single. Time. It’s odd if you think about it. I mean, didn’t I realize they were dirty when I took them off?? Anyway, good luck with your adjustment to the new dimensions (Not to be confused with new dementia. Sorry, couldn’t resist. 😉 ) and getting that other eye ready for LASIK. 🙂

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    • ‘New dementia’! Bahahaha!!! Good one! And you’re right about the glasses. I used to wear glasses when I was a kid; I hated them then and I hate ’em now. They’re always dirty or fogged up or sliding off. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I can adjust to the near/far thing.

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  14. One eye for distance, one eye for closeups? Isn’t that a superpower? 😜

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