I Love A Guy With A Big Deck

As you may know, I’m a toolaholic.  Most men are eager to show me their tools, and in fact, they frequently invite me to play with their tools whenever I want.

I’m old-fashioned, though.  As much as I love tools of all shapes and sizes, I really prefer not to handle any but my Hubby’s.  After all, when I’ve got a top-quality tool at home, why would I go out looking for anything else?  You just don’t know where other men’s tools have been.

The other day the conversation turned (again) to tools, and Hubby showed me his deck.  You’d think after nearly fourteen years of marriage it would be old news to me, but what a surprise!

He had gotten one of those deck enlargement kits.

I know, I know.  I used to be a sceptic, too, but now I’ve seen the proof.  This kit really worked.  He used to have a much smaller deck.  It was nice and rigid and it worked well, but everybody knows size does matter.  So he paid the money and got the kit… and now his deck is huge!

When he showed it to me for the first time, I couldn’t keep my hands off it.  After I’d fondled it for a while, he asked if I had any ideas about mounting it.

Boy, did I.

But we were worried we might not be able to use his new deck safely because it’s so big.

We were right.  We had some difficulties with the fit.  And stability was an issue.  Even though it was big and stiff, it tended to shift sideways without warning, particularly if any significant force was applied.  And it was positively dangerous under vigorous use.  Slow and smooth was the only workable option.

We agreed that even though the big deck was impressive, it really wasn’t working as well as his original small deck.  But we both liked the idea of the bigger deck.

So we got creative.  A minor surgical procedure reshaped it to make the tool fit snugly but comfortably in the aperture.  Then we added some extra supports so the deck wouldn’t collapse even if I got careless about how and where I placed my piece.  And he could push as hard and fast as he wanted.

It took a bit of extra effort to get everything working the way we wanted it, but in the end we were glowing with satisfaction.  Now Hubby’s got the biggest deck of any guy I know.  I can use it as often as I want, and it never fails to stand up to even the most enthusiastic use.

I’m so excited, I just have to share the before and after pictures of Hubby’s deck:

Original tiny deck

Original tiny deck

New huge deck

New huge deck

Yeah, it’s a bandsaw deck.  Jeez, what did you think I was talking about?

If, like me, you can’t get enough big decks, here’s one of my favourite comedy routines:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ7Ue5emo6I

Anybody else like big decks?

40 Comments

Filed under Humour, Writing

40 responses to “I Love A Guy With A Big Deck

  1. I’m never going to look at a band saw in the same way ever again…. great post! Made me laugh. 🙂

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  2. Pingback: Hubby’s Got A Big Deck | Diane Henders

  3. I really don’t know what to say. HF

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  4. Simply Suthern

    I will never be able to whoop out my portaband with a clear conscious again. I actually have two drop saws like yours. One has a deck a little larger than your little one but the other is deckless. I am hoping we can get one to strap on her.

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  5. DH, I have been lamenting the fact that my deck is badly in need of repair. My deck is old, warped and badly out of shape. My tools are all dull, rusty and chipped so no deck improvement has been possible until now. Thank goodness that I found your article and the deck enlargement kit. I can’t wait to show off my new deck and get ‘oohs and aahs.’ Men will admire its strength. Women will marvel at its durability, the feel of new wood, and the way the contours of the new deck envelope them. My timbers shiver in anticipation.

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  6. Hilarious! I am quite jealous of that big deck. But don’t tell Cap’n Firepants.

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  7. Aaaaargh!!! See I *knew* it was an actual tool…but wow!! teehee..I felt like I was reading a naughty book!! seriously!
    That was awesome the way you played with the words! hehe

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  8. Your husband is a lucky man.

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  9. Dayyyyum, I used to think Mr. Weebles had massive equipment until I saw this. Most guys don’t have tools that big. And most women need to learn how to handle them, they can be unwieldy if you’re not used to that size. You impress me, Ma’am.

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  10. I wasn’t sure where this was going but I wanted to be part of the trip. I loved it.

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  11. Haha! I don’t think I better touch this one. Of course, you’d probably beat me off with a stick if I tried. 😉

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  12. That is the tiniest bandsaw d**k I have ever seen. He should have gotten the kit a long time ago.

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  13. Decks, patios, balconies, so many options. As long as I can prop my big feet up on it without getting splinters, I’m satisfied. 😉

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  14. bigsheepcommunications

    Ohhhhh, I thought you were talking about a patio sort of deck. Either way, I’m glad to know everything’s working well.

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  15. Bwahaha! Nice job explaining the ins and outs of deck maintenance, handy tips and tricks. Valuable info, indeed. 😉

    Like

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