Bro Bulletin – Questions Of Doom: #3

For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind.  Welcome to the third instalment of the Questions of Doom series. 

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Ah, you guys thought you were getting the hang of QODs, didn’t you?  I’ve got news for you:  we’ve only been dealing with easy yes-or-no QODs until now.  Let’s try a tougher one:  the multiple-choice QOD.

I don’t mean to support gender stereotypes here, but the truth is I don’t personally know any households where the male does the bulk of the cooking.  Guys, if you do, you’ve already got this one nailed.  See you next week.

QOD #3:  What do you want for dinner?

A seemingly innocuous question, isn’t it?  What could possibly go wrong?  Watch and learn…

Bad Answer:  “I don’t know, what do you want?” – This may seem like a safe response, but it’ll blow up in your face.  She’ll likely echo, “I don’t know, what do you want?”  Lather, rinse, repeat.

If you’re the passive-aggressive type, this may be strangely satisfying, but she’ll end up irritated, and you’ll probably end up eating something you don’t like.

Worse Answer:  “I don’t care.  Just cook something.” – Oooh.  Ouch.  If that ever heals, it’s gonna leave one hell of a mark.

Here’s what she just heard:  “I don’t care (about any of your trivial problems.  It’s your responsibility as the subordinate spouse to) just cook something.”

That’s why she’s screaming at you and/or slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen loudly enough to drown out the TV no matter how high you turn the volume.  You’re not gonna like what she cooks tonight.

In fact, if you have any sense of self-preservation at all, you’ll surreptitiously feed it to the dog (particularly if she fixes you a “special” plate but lets the kids serve themselves out of the communal dishes).

And if you’re hoping to get lucky tonight, go buy a lottery ticket.  The odds are better.

Iffy Answer:  “I love your (insert food item here).  Let’s have that.” – On the face of it, this sounds like the perfect answer.  You figure you’re golden because you just solved the problem and complimented her cooking at the same time.  You’re probably right…

Unless the food item in question is difficult and time-consuming to make and she’s exhausted, with ten minutes to get food on the table before the kids start chewing the table legs.

If she starts yelling about how inconsiderate you are, that’s why.  Just hunker down and take it.  It was a good try.

Safe Answer:  “Hmm, how about beef?  Chicken?  Pork?  Fish?  Sausages?  Omelette?  Haggis?  Fava beans…?” – Just keep guessing.  As long as you look like you’re participating, you’re safe.  It’s like soothing an angry dog – steady, calm tones and no sudden moves.  If you stop, she’ll rip you apart.

It’s not about actually solving the problem here – she may or may not accept any of your suggestions.  It’s about “contributing”.  When she thinks you’ve contributed enough, she’ll give you that little smile and headshake that says, “Poor foolish man, you’re just so helpless without me.”  Then she’ll go into the kitchen and make a nice meal.  You’ll enjoy it.

No, let me be really clear about that:  You WILL enjoy it.

Better Answer:  “Forget cooking tonight.  I’ll take you out to dinner/order in.” – Very smooth.  Very smart.  Hubby uses this one so frequently, I call him “The Plastic Chef”.  With a credit card in his hand, the man can cook anything.  This is one of the reasons why he has so many brownie points built up, I couldn’t yell at him even if I wanted to.

Best Answer EVER:  “You work so hard – you deserve a break.  Here, put your feet up.  Here’s a nice glass of wine.  You just relax while I cook you a gourmet meal and clean it all up afterward.” – Yeah, I know.  It’s okay, I couldn’t keep a straight face for that one, either.  But a woman can dream…

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Movember Moment:  Jeez, no wonder guys get freaked out about prostate exams – I can’t believe how much bullshit I found on the internet.  It’s not that big a deal.  Here’s what to expect.

P.S. Thanks to Le Clown for starting Bloggers for Movember. In support of the cause, I’ll donate half the November royalties from my paperback and e-book sales from all channels to the Cancer Society. Please spread the word!

24 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

24 responses to “Bro Bulletin – Questions Of Doom: #3

  1. I’m not a cook. My wife is a bad cook. We eat out. It works for us. HF

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  2. Mr. Weebles is pretty good about his answers to this QOD. Sometimes he errs by answering, “I don’t care,” which is irksome, but more often than not he’ll answer with “Want to just order pizza or Chinese.” And he cooks too, so I really can’t complain, I’ve got it pretty good. Still for all the men out there who aren’t as enlightened, you’re doing God’s work.

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  3. Big Ugly Man Doll

    For the record, I didn’t spit my coffee until “If you stop, she’ll rip you apart.” Brilliant!

    Also for the record, I do about half the cooking, so when I hear, “What do you want for dinner?” I’m usually basing my answer on what I feel like cooking. These days, on a *very* good day, I can get the 14-yr-old sous chef to do some of the prep work before I get home from work. (Plus she made the pumpkin ginger pie for Thanksgiving – all I had to make was the cranberry pie! I love slave labor.)

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  4. The safest answer is always, would you like a glass of wine? It’s suitable for most occasions 🙂

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  5. I like to make lasagna for woman, I’m not a great cook, but I can make that. Perhaps I should try haggis.

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    • LOL! Nope, lasagna is definitely the winner. Unless you’re actively trying to repel potential dates… hmmm. If I guy ever offers to cook haggis for me, I’ll take the hint. And I actually like haggis.

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  6. I’m wondering if there are women out there that might just turn on their significant other with the “Forget the cooking, we’ll go out” claiming (in not so rational tones) that their hubby’s hate their cooking and are trying to escape eating it, and yada yada yada…..?? Just wondering..hehe

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    • Oh, that’s just evil. I kinda doubt it, though. I can’t see any sane woman turning down an opportunity for a meal out… unless he’s offering to take her to McDonalds. Hmmm, maybe I should have specified “a NICE restaurant”.

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  7. Cap’n Firepants is very good about offering Better and Best Answers on a regular basis. He’s a fast learner.

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  8. LOL! I’m impressed. And I’m married to a man who often offers up the first half of your last answer. I usually clean up when he cooks, but I figure he deserves partial credit anyway. 😉

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    • Wow, agreed – cleaning up is a fair trade after a gourmet meal! Hubby always helps me clean up after I cook, so he gets extra brownie points, too. But he does his best gourmet cooking with a credit card.

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  9. bigsheepcommunications

    Okay, those last 2 answers are clearly the work of a fiction writer.

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  10. Oh, how I’d love to hear that last answer some day. If someone would have told me back in my I-am-woman-hear-me-roar college days that I’d be in the traditional role of wife cooking supper for the family every night, I would have laughed. And yet, here I am… But truth be told, I like to cook. But just once, having the hubby cook for me would be fantastic. Of course, I’d probably die of shock before I could eat anything, but there’s always hope…

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