For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the second instalment of the Questions of Doom series.
* * *
(Note: Ladies, this strategy can work for you, too. Change the pronouns, substitute “tool” for “jewellery”, and you’re away to the races.)
QOD #2: Did you just buy yourself a new fill-in-the-blank (FITB)? *Scowls, hands on hips*
Oh, bro. Buddy. You screwed up big. You got busted holding a new FITB and she’s mad, for one of two reasons:
- Money’s tight and now you won’t be able to afford groceries/coats for the kids/a family trip; or
- You bought something nice for yourself and nothing for her.
If it’s #1, well, don’t be a shithead. Return the FITB and go buy coats for your kids.
But it’s probably #2. So here we go:
Bad Answer: “Yes” – Depending on her temperament, you’ll get:
- No nookie for the foreseeable future; AND
- Icy silence; or
- Increasingly hostile questions like “How much did it cost?” and “Why do you need a new FITB when you’ve already got a perfectly good one?” etc., followed by icy silence; or
- Increasingly hostile questions followed by berserk yelling and/or tears and/or flying objects, followed by icy silence.
Worse Answer: “No” – I don’t mean to be critical, but “no” is a really dumb choice. You’re standing there with a brand new FITB in your hand. The tags are still hanging off it. You know you’re lying. Worse still, she knows you’re lying, and now you’re insulting her intelligence, too. See consequences of “yes” above. Times ten.
So how do you save yourself? Okay, guys, I want to make it clear that I don’t support lying to your significant other. In the first place, it’s slimy, and in the second place, it’ll come back to bite you in the ass sooner or later.
But in the spirit of Movember, I’m going to cut you some slack, ‘cause what I’m about to suggest isn’t the blackest of lies. It’s more like a retroactive truth, if you do it right.
The following solution can make you look like a hero, but it’s complex, dangerous, expensive, and requires some acting skill. It’s probably easier to just return the FITB, or else let her chew your nuts off and get it over with.
You still want to know? Okay…
Step 1: “Oh, I was hoping you wouldn’t see this until (tonight/tomorrow/whenever the stores are open next).”
You already look guilty as hell, but try to add a bit of disappointment to your expression. She knows the first part of that statement is absolutely true, but she’s slightly confused by the second part. This moment of uncertainty buys you time for:
Step 2: “I know (occasion) is coming up, so I picked out the perfect gift for you, but I didn’t want to buy it until I knew it was exactly what you wanted. And I bought this FITB for myself because you’re always saying I’m hard to buy for.”
This is the dangerous part. She’s pretty damn sure you’re lying, but the lure of “the perfect gift” is slowing her reflexes. This also assumes you’re within a month or so of some mutual gift-giving occasion.
Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and an anniversary are possibilities for the “occasion”, but if you’re desperate and imaginative, you could whip out something plausible but unverifiable. Try an obscurity like “the seventh anniversary of the first day I realized I was in love with you”.
Just remember, if you mention it once, it’s forever graven in her memory. Now you’re on the hook for another gift-giving occasion every year. How much do you really want that FITB, anyway?
That much? Seriously? Okay, then…
Step 3: Rush her to the jewellery store* and point randomly at something.
Any jewellery will do. Feign as much enthusiasm as possible, but do not utter the words ‘It’s you’. It’s not. No matter what you choose, she’ll want something different. This is just a decoy.
Step 4: “I picked this one, but I want it to be perfect, so if you’d rather have something else…”
Suck it up, buddy, ‘cause this is where it gets expensive. Grit your teeth, smile, and buy whatever she chooses. I warned you it’d probably be easier to just take your punishment.
Step 5: Buy her another gift when the actual gift-giving occasion rolls around.
This is a crucial step. It covers your ass in case she knew you were full of shit earlier but she was willing to play along because she got a nice piece of jewellery out of it.
However, if she actually bought your act earlier, this makes you a hero. When she says “I thought we exchanged FITBs earlier”, tell her, “I know, but I couldn’t resist buying you this”.
Kiss. Cuddle. Get laid. Nicely done, bro.
And next time, hide the damn FITB until you can honestly answer, “No, I’ve had it for months.”
*Note to Hubby: Don’t try this on me. Jewellery doesn’t cut it. I want tools. What, that shiny set in my trunk? No, I’ve had that for months.
Movember Moment: Okay, let’s start with the basics: What is the prostate gland and how does it work?
P.S. Thanks to Le Clown for starting Bloggers for Movember, and thanks to everyone who weighed in with support for me on the weekend. I’m feeling much better now about donating half the November royalties from my paperback and e-book sales from all channels to the Cancer Society.