Last week I was in automotive heaven… and it turned out to be more of a pain in the butt than I’d anticipated.
Rick and Sandy (of Hand Crafted Images) and I were doing the photographs for Book 2’s updated cover. Car buffs may recall that Aydan drooled over an Audi R8 in THE SPY IS CAST, and wonder of wonders, I got up-close-and-personal with a real R8 this week thanks to the generosity of Doug S. and the staff at Glenmore Audi.
As with most undertakings that involve me, there was inappropriate laughter.
The dealership is a pristine building featuring bright white ceilings and sleek grey floors. Other cars were scattered throughout the showroom, but two Quattros crouched protectively beside the R8, their feral headlight configurations watching us like predatory beasts.
Yes, I was slightly intimidated.
At first we trod reverently around the R8, not approaching it too closely so our heated and unsteady breathing wouldn’t fog its gleaming paint.
We were completely freaked out at the thought of being close enough to damage an automobile that costs more than twice what I paid for my first house. We checked and re-checked the tripods that held the backdrop, cringing at visions of the metal poles toppling onto the car.
At last we had the backdrops in place and the moment of truth arrived: It was time to unlock the car.
Then I would strip down to my ignominious outfit of stiletto heels and gym shorts (because I didn’t want to wear a skirt and accidentally emulate the Basic Instinct leg-crossing scene) and… yes… I would actually sit in the driver’s seat.
That’s where the giggles started. In the first place, a woman wearing makeup, gym shorts, and stiletto heels just looks ridiculous.
Also, this woman wearing stiletto heels looks slightly ridiculous anyway. The R8 tops out at four feet. In heels, I’m 6’-2”. I towered over the car (and everybody else in the dealership).
The next issue was that the stilettos give me a 38” inseam. Try stuffing those long legs into a car while holding your breath in case a lethal heel scratches something that costs more than your entire car. But I managed.
In short order, the next issue surfaced. The R8’s seats are set in quite far from the exterior body panels. If I sat in the driver’s seat, my legs barely made it out of the car. To get the shot we wanted, I’d have to perch on the rocker panel.
For the record, the R8’s rocker panels are not designed to comfortably accommodate a human ass. (Nor a human posterior, for that matter.)
It got worse. On the original cover, the model’s lips are parted. It looks as though she’s pronouncing the letter ‘D’, and it’s supposed to look pouty or sensuous or something.
My pout looked more like ‘Duh’. I stared vacantly into space, slack-lipped and clutching a cardboard cutout of a Glock. I only managed a few minutes of that before dissolving into helpless laughter. Thank you, Sandy and Rick, for your infinite patience!
But at last we packed up the equipment and vacated the premises with relief, leaving the fabulous car unscathed. (Which was more than I could say for my aching ass.)
It was only afterward I realized that my butt was the only part of me that ever touched the car. I never even put my hands on the steering wheel.
I guess I’m just not cut out for automotive heaven.
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P.S. Unedited proofs are always good for a chuckle. Note my alter-ego in the reflection beside me: