If You’re Reading This, I’m Not Dead

March 21, 2012 / Diane Henders / 21 Comments

Some time ago, I read an article on good blogging practices. It said you should designate a proxy blogger so someone could shut down your blog in case you died. It even suggested you should write a post and save it so your proxy could communicate your final message to your readers.

I’m sorry to say I didn’t treat this advice with due reverence.

I like to think I’m a conscientious person. I try to fulfill my social obligations, at least as much as someone with my limited social skills can manage. But I just can’t see writing a “Sorry, I’m Dead” post.

What if I’m not sorry? I mean, let’s face it, if I’m dead, I probably won’t care much about what’s happening with my blog. As I see it, there are three possibilities for my after-death experience:

1) Harps and heavenly bliss. In which case I’m more likely to look down from my exalted cloud and yell, “Neener, neener, I’m all happy and surrounded by endless beer while you poor schmos are still slogging it out down there!” I guess I could put that in a blog post, but it seems presumptuous. What if I jinxed it and ended up in the wrong place instead? Which leads me to option 2…

2) Pitchforks and eternal torment. If that’s the case, I’ll be so absorbed in my own misery that my blog will be the least of my worries. Or…

3) Nothing. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200; I’m gone, done, finito. Elvis has left the building, and he ain’t comin’ back. In which case, I won’t be capable of caring about my blog.

But still.

I’m conscientious. So now that I’ve been told this is one of my responsibilities as a blogger, I feel a niggling urge to address the “what if I die” scenario, even though I can’t imagine any earth-shattering consequences if I suddenly stop posting to my blog.

I mean, I’d like to think there are people out there hanging on my every word. Or… actually, no. Forget I said that. Considering the usual content of my blog, I’d find it very disturbing if people were hanging on my every word.

So how about this: As long as posts keep appearing here on a regular basis, you can assume I’m still alive, unless you believe in a fourth “beyond the grave” option where my spirit hangs around and writes blog posts and occasionally throws things.

Come to think of it, that could be fun. Though it would probably inhibit my ability to enjoy beer, so maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. No wonder ghosts throw things.

Anyway, if my blog posts stop, you can assume I’m dead, bored, or incapacitated in some way, so feel free to drop insulting comments on my last blog entry. If I’m bored, it’ll cheer me up. If I’m incapacitated, you can be assured that my revenge, while not swift, will probably be terrible, or at least terribly entertaining. For one of us.

And if I’m dead, I’ll probably be past caring, but it might amuse my ghost.

Cooking With Spam

December 21, 2011 / Diane Henders / 15 Comments

I have a sneaking sympathy for the manufacturers of SPAM, that “is-it-really-meat” product my mother usually fried with a crunchy coating of cracker crumbs. It must be tough on their self-image to be associated with worthless, annoying email. Maybe that’s why I keep an open mind to the humorous potential of the spam I get on this blog.

Most of it is the garden-variety “buy our product” crap, but every now and then, a true gem lodges in my spam filters to tickle my funny-bone.

For instance: “Excellently constructed report, if all people offered a similar posts just like you, the net would be a more desirable destination.” I’ve seen that particular comment umpteen times, but in this case the context made me laugh when it appeared on my post “Gettin’ Down At A Piss-Up”. Soooo… piss-ups are a desirable destination… yeah, okay, I’ll give you that one.

Or how about this one: “…you still take care of to keep it wise.” …Except for the fact that my post was titled “Brainless”…

And then there was the warmly complimentary, “Excellent facts many thanks for posting about it.” I might have let that one slide under other circumstances, but my post was “Barbie, Celebrity Affairs, and Altering Reality” – a post entirely devoted to the rambling fantasies of my deranged mind.

Then there are the ones I suspect are secret communications in a clever code. Maybe they think since I write spy fiction, I’ll be able to decipher their messages. For example: “I’m gonna watch out for brussels.” Oooookay, then. Good to know. I’ll watch out for brussels, too. Are we talkin’ sprouts, European cities, or what?

This cryptic comment really made me wonder: “tiger blood?” That was it. No other information. Just the question mark, which was obviously intended to be a clue. As in, “Do we have a go for our covert op that’s so badass we code-named it ‘tiger blood’?” Or maybe it’s an honest question: “Is that tiger blood? Or just ketchup?” Or wait a minute, maybe it’s a comment on my savage beauty, my untamed… aah, never mind. Probably not.

But, hell, maybe there is some irresistible attraction at work here. I just got this comment: “I got what you think, thanks for swing up. Woh I am glad to gestate this website”. Well, if you’re swinging, I think you probably got the clap. I haven’t heard the euphemism “swing up” before, but it seems to me a swing-up would be better than a swing-down. I think a swing-down would make it much more difficult to gestate. Besides, a swing-down just seems so… dejected. Deflated. Flaccid. (Yeah, I used that word).

But, like gonorrhea, my visitor’s enthusiasm is infectious. “Woh I am glad to gestate this website!”

Hey, I’m easy. Flattery will get you everywhere. Gestate away to your heart’s content. Just wash your hands before you come to the table.

‘Scuse me while I go fry some of these up with cracker crumbs.

Brainless

November 16, 2011 / Diane Henders / 23 Comments

I just got back from two weeks in Manitoba. I have 682 unread emails, and there’s a stack of as-yet-unidentified but vaguely frightening papers and envelopes in my “In” tray. It’s Wednesday morning, time for a blog post. I’m brainless.

I pre-planned carefully for exactly this situation. I have 38 half-written blog posts in my “Blog” folder, ready for the day that I can’t think about anything to write. Just like a boxed meal in the freezer, all I have to do is take one out, add some seasoning, and serve it up.

I’ve tried three different ones so far. They’re all flat, boring, and tasteless. And that’s “tasteless” in the sense of “bland and flavourless”, not “rude and potentially offensive” (which can actually turn out to be fairly entertaining on occasion). Apparently those posts were not only half-written, they were half-baked.

I feel the same as I did at three A.M. the day I was planning to begin my fourteen hour drive home. “Thump-bang-bang” woke me. This is not a happy sound at three o’clock in the morning.

I got up to discover that the pulley from the furnace blower motor had flung itself off its shaft and was lying uselessly in the bottom of the furnace. I spent a good half-hour trying to reinstall the pulley in my semi-conscious stupor before I realized that it was just around zero outside, there were electric baseboard heaters in the rest of the house, and we were highly unlikely to freeze to death if the furnace didn’t run for a few hours.

The pathetic part of all this is that there’s only one way to put the pulley back on the shaft. It’s not like you can do it wrong. I tried over and over. The same way. The same result. It wouldn’t go back on.

Hands covered with black grease, mind circling as uselessly as the remaining pulley on the now-disconnected drive motor, I stumbled into the bathroom to wash up and fell back into bed, realizing as I shivered under the covers that it probably would have been smart to put on slippers and something warmer than a thin robe before attempting repairs in the middle of the night.

The next morning, the problem was miraculously simplified when I looked at the furnace again and realized that both the driveshaft and the pulley had been gouged when the pulley twisted off, leaving a slight burr on both. A few minutes work with a metal file solved the problem. Amazing what a few hours of sleep and a modicum of alertness can do.

I’m hoping to regain a useful level of alertness soon, and maybe the judicious application of some honing and smoothing tools will fix up those blog-posts-in-waiting. I’ve also resolved to get a few of them completely written, once I get my brain safely reinstalled on its driveshaft.

Meanwhile, anybody got a brain file? Apparently I’ve got a nasty burr somewhere…

P.S. Many thanks to all who offered encouragement to my step-mom. Her first treatment went very well, and she wants me to thank everyone for their good wishes.

I Feel So… Versatile!

September 28, 2011April 27, 2012 / Diane Henders / 28 Comments

Update #2: Thanks also to Chris9911 for another nomination on April 27/12. I never get tired of praise! And I will do another “7 things” post to catch up on my obligations – I promise.

Update: Thank you also to Let’s CUT the Crap! over at How The Cookie Crumbles for a second nomination on January 13/12, and to RVingGirl on January 18/12! I’m flattered, delighted, and… pushed for time, so it might be a while before I keep this circulating. Meanwhile, here’s the post from my first nomination.

Many thanks to Nancy over at notquiteold for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger award!

As she points out in this post, when you do the math, it becomes apparent that within a very few iterations of this award, theoretically everybody in the blogosphere could receive this award. Twice.

But I don’t care. I’m pumped that she liked my blog enough to nominate me.

The rules are that if you accept this award, you are committed to the following conditions:

Thank the person who shared the award with you by linking back to them in your post.
List 7 things about yourself.
Pass this award to 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know that you included them in your blog post.

Here goes:

In the category of “awards that sound more prestigious than they actually are”, I won a silver medal in the 2003 team archery event at the Multi-Sites Indoor Championship of the Americas (MICA). There weren’t a lot of participants, and the medal isn’t really silver. It’s not even silver-plated. But, hell, it’s in my drawer, and I’m proud of it. Shortly thereafter, I was sidelined with a wrist injury. It’s taken me a long time to get back into it, but I’m hoping to compete in some archery tournaments again this year.
The only food I don’t like is black liquorice. If I had to choose only one thing to consume for the rest of my life, it would be milk.
I’m a car nut. I love to watch drag racing, and I’m in the process of rebuilding a 1953 Chevy 210 sedan. The engine is done, but the body is waiting for a budget. Has been for years. Sigh.
In my rare moments of spare time, I paint in oils or play the piano, both of which I do with more enthusiasm than talent. Here’s one of my paintings:
My talent level is the same for both painting and piano: I’m exactly good enough to realize how bad I am when compared to a real artist/pianist. But hey, I have fun.
I have a helpless, uncontrollable addiction to gardening. I’m incapable of leaving a patch of dirt undisturbed. I grow and preserve my own fruit and vegetables, and I make hard cider from the apples from my backyard tree.
My MP3 player contains blues, rock, metal, country, barbershop quartets, classical voice and orchestra, Gregorian chants, folk, ragtime piano, reggae, jazz, and some stuff that I can’t even put a genre to. I love it all. The only music that makes me retch is the vapid, limp-wristed whining of 80s boy bands.
I have worn a dress or skirt about nine times in the last thirty years. Twice to get married (the first time didn’t take), once to my sister’s wedding, a couple of times to funerals, and a few times to black-tie parties. I enjoy dressing up approximately as much as I enjoy listening to 80s boy bands.

Regarding Condition #3: I follow tons of blogs, and my perennial favourites are in the blogroll at the right. Here are the ones I’ve discovered most recently. There aren’t fifteen in the list, but I’ve never been much good at obeying chain letter instructions.

Recipients, please treat this like the thinly-disguised chain letter it is. If you want to play along, great. If not, please accept my admiration for your writing, and ignore the conditions.

Here they are, in alphabetical order:

Big Ugly Man Doll – A fabulous males-eye view of marriage, parenting, and manhood. Don’t miss ManFAQ Fridays. And don’t drink hot beverages while reading (I learned that the hard way).

Carol Henders – Faith, inspiration, and recipes for yummy food. How can you go wrong? You wouldn’t believe it by our blogs, but we are actually sisters. Carol, feel free to not link back to me. You probably don’t want to do that to your readers.

De Libertas Quirkas – Since I’m a geek myself, I love Kavya’s engineering take on life.

Diana Murdock – Sometimes touching, sometimes raw, always thought-provoking.

Sierra Godfrey – A great sense of humour about writing and life in general. Don’t miss her Friday Google Reader Roundup. She also writes an excellent blog about design, communication, and usability here.

Me! Me! Me me me! – Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Aquatom! Poetry, musings, and days in the life of a superhero.

Murrmurrs – You never know what you’re going to get with Murr Brewster. From poop to politics, and everything in between (oh, wait, those aren’t actually that far removed), Murr says it loud and proud. Her blog subtitle says it all: “Snortworthy”. And you will. Oh, you will.

notquiteold– It doesn’t make a lot of sense to bounce this award back to the person who gave it to me, but I just discovered Nancy’s blog and I love it, so she’s going on the list. If you’re looking for an irreverent take on life from somebody who’s getting better with experience, don’t miss this one.

Visiting Reality – Funny double entendres… and a disturbing fixation on camels. Don’t miss Wednesday Hump Days. Hell, don’t miss any of it. Linda Grimes is a blast!

****************************

As I look at this list of blogs, it’s apparent that music isn’t the only field in which I have eclectic taste. Hope everyone finds something here to enjoy.

That Ain’t Funny

June 16, 2011 / Diane Henders / 12 Comments

I recently followed a link on one of the blogs I read regularly. The blogger is normally a very funny guy. The link was to a site containing an extensive catalogue of sex acts (which was clearly stated in his post – no surprises there). I’m hoping the site was meant to be funny.

As a general rule, I can laugh at just about anything, including accidental flashers, farts in the car, and naked men dangling (snicker) outside my hotel window. I clicked through to the site knowing that it would contain adult content, and I fully expected that I’d find some things that were not, um, up my alley.

But a large percentage of the acts included punching and/or kicking a female partner, breaking bones, non-consensual acts (which we old-fashioned types still refer to as “rape”), and murder.

Yeah, really. Gang-rape her and chuck her in the dumpster when you’re done. Or smash her head against the wall until her brains smear all over it. Their words, not mine. “Bitch” and “whore” were the words of choice when referring to a female partner. And apparently one method of birth control is to smash her pelvis with a hammer. “By the time she’s finished at the hospital, she probably won’t get pregnant anyway.”

Some of the acts came with the endorsement, “This one’s really fun”. Like this one: Punch her in the eye and kick her in the shin hard enough to break it. Then she’ll look like a pirate with an eye patch and a peg-leg.

Wait, why am I not laughing?

I didn’t read the entire site. Maybe it got funnier. Or maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere and missed the humour.

I didn’t know how to react. I expected ripe language and adult content. But for me, this site stepped over the line. Hell, who am I kidding? This site launched itself so far over the line, it achieved low-earth orbit.

I went back to the blog again and read the comments, wondering if anyone had reacted negatively. No. Comments from both male and female readers, none of whom apparently had any problem with the link.

I don’t know what to do.

I know that my blog may offend some people. I can be pretty vulgar. I assume that people who don’t like my style will simply go away and never come back. Nobody’s forcing them to read this.

So now that I find myself offended by a site, is it “my fault” for reading it? It is hypocritical to comment on his blog about it? Should I just shut up and go away?

Or should I go whole-hog and report the site as hate-mongering and inciting criminal acts of violence against women? I’m sure the site owner(s) would insist it’s meant to be funny and I’m clearly some tight-assed do-gooder who can’t take a joke. Free speech and all. But where do you draw the line?

What would you do?