Barbie, Celebrity Affairs, and Altering Reality

Every now and then, my mind wanders.  All right, fine, my mind wanders quite a bit.  But sometimes it wanders farther afield than usual, into the realm of the truly ridiculous.

I’ve already mentioned I sometimes wonder whether electronic devices are actually sentient, but here’s another thought that intrigues me:  wouldn’t it be cool if you could alter reality with your mind?  There are lots of experts out there who say reality is subjective, and we create our own reality through our perceptions.  I like that idea.

I usually think of it around the time hail is pummelling my garden.  I send psychic waves up into the sky, imagining tents of steel mesh diverting the hailstones away from my slowly liquefying tomatoes and zucchini.  It never works, but it gives me something to do besides ripping my hair out.

And I can hardly wait until I figure out how to teleport.  Imagine how wonderful vacations would be.  You could go anywhere in the world in the blink of an eye, see whatever you want, and then pop home and sleep in your own bed.  You’d never have to worry about forgetting something.  You could teleport home and water the plants, put the cat out/in, grab your toothbrush, whatever.  I really, really want to be able to teleport.

When I was a kid, I wondered if my teddy bears and Barbie dolls came alive at night when I was sleeping.  I imagined the teddy bears getting up and walking around, doing teddy-bear things, though I wasn’t quite sure what those might be.  Come to think of it, I’m still not sure what those might be.  What would a teddy bear actually do if it was alive?

And I imagined the fights and explanations between Barbie, Ken, and Stacey:

“Ken!  What were you doing lying on top of Stacey?  How dare you?”

“Barbie, I swear, that little kid just crammed us together.  I couldn’t help it!”

“Well, you sure took your time getting off her, didn’t you?  And where are your pants!?!”

“Honey, you know I can’t move while the kid’s looking!  And the pants weren’t my fault…”

While I’m on that topic, I always wondered about poor Ken’s lack of, er, “features”.  Was it a tragic industrial accident?  A vengeful Barbie?  A manufacturing defect?

I also imagined that pictures of people could actually see.  It made getting undressed for bed an interesting, if somewhat self-conscious process, what with all those posters of movie-star men hanging on my wall.  To this day, I don’t keep a picture of my parents in my bedroom. 

Come to think of it, though, that might explain a lot about all the celebrity hook-ups and divorces.  When they spend all that time with their faces and bodies crammed against each other inside the pages of People magazine and the tabloids, you’ve got to expect nature to take its course at least some of the time.

What do you think?

23 Comments

Filed under Humour

23 responses to “Barbie, Celebrity Affairs, and Altering Reality

  1. Pingback: A Few From The Funny-Files | Diane Henders

  2. Pingback: Cooking With Spam | Diane Henders

  3. Teleporting sounds good to me too, Diane… in fact, I’m sure that I actually do it. Well, part of it. I don’t know where my consciousness goes to when it leaves my body, usually when I’m driving, but I very often find myself at my destination with no idea how I got there. Now, is this teleportation in a different sense of the word? And Barbie and Ken used to frighten me. They still do. And Action Man. Him as well.
    Great post once again, by the way! 😀

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    • I’ve done that type of teleportation, too. It always scares me a bit, but as long as there are no large dents in the car, I assume everything is okay.

      And you’re right, Barbie and Ken are a little scary. Even more so when you meet real-life people who look just like them…

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  4. I think about teleportation every time I’m on an airplane for more than two hours. I always think, “A hundred years from now, will people still be enduring this? How about a thousand years from now?” I’m sure we’ll come up with something, but I just can’t imagine what it could be. And is there some way you and I can be here to see it? Maybe someone will invent a personality storage system, so we can be copied and pasted into new bodies in the future. (I won’t ask you to do a flow chart. But it might speed things along.)

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    • I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time thinking about teleporting. Usually between Hour 12 and Hour 14, driving across Saskatchewan and Manitoba. 🙂

      Teleporting sounds grand, but it’s the landing that worries me. How would you know where to land safely? What if somebody else teleported into exactly the same place at the same time? Or what if it was a clear landing zone the last time you checked, but somebody parked a car there just before you teleported? These things keep me up at night.

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      • “How would you know where to land safely? What if somebody else teleported into exactly the same place at the same time?” I remember watching Star Trek and wondering the same things. I’ve also often been perplexed at the act of physically traveling across great distances. Walking around the block is pleasant in and of itself, but the time and effort it takes to cross the country? What’s up with that? Are we (still) struggling against something so seemingly simple as space? Thanks for a thought-provoking post!

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  5. Love the post and how your mind wanders 🙂
    I had this huge teddy bear once (he was a papa bear) and a little one, that was his son..so when I imagine teddy bear things, I imagine papa bear taking out his cigar for a puff while little teddy bear raiding the kitchen..hehe

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  6. LOL, I’m with you! I’m still wishing for the transporting – have you read Bester’s “The Stars My Destination”? (Early title was “Tiger, Tiger”.) Totally worth finding, on that topic.

    And of course the toys – I was the same way, and loved the Toy Story moves all the more for it (which is somewhat obvious, given my sobriquet)!

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    • I’ve never read Bester, but I just popped over to Amazon and read the preview. Now I’m hooked and I’ve got another book on my to-read pile. 🙂
      I’d say thanks, but finding another tempting book is both a blessing and a curse…

      Like

  7. I think it’s amazing how much you and I think alike. Frightening, almost. *grin* BTW, GI Joe wasn’t any more anatomically correct than Ken. I know, because my Barbie dumped Ken for my brother’s GI Joe, and she was horribly disappointed.

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  8. I think Stacey is a hussy. It’s all her fault.

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  9. As much as Ken was ‘featureless’, Barbie was well endowed. 😛

    And yes, the magazines totally explain the celebrity hookups and split ups.
    She: Is that a womans perfume I smell on you?
    He: Yeah there is a chanel no 5 scratch-and-sniff ad on the next page

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  10. Great post, really enjoyed it.

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  11. jimagain

    This was a laugh-riot. I SERIOUSLY laughed so hard they had to readjust my straight-jacket. The vengeful Barbie comment was way too funny. . .a little forewarning would be nice next time so I wont spew my Cap’n Crunch everywhere.

    But now I lay awake womdering what my teddy beats are doing while I sleep?

    This was great! I may have to up my dosage of prozac now!

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