A Few From The Funny-Files

With the stress of our move and house-building, my time has been short and my funny-levels have been critically low lately.  Thank goodness for my friends, who make sure I get my daily giggle quota.

Here are a few of the goodies they’ve passed on to me:

How could you NOT notice something like this during the design meetings?!?

How could you NOT notice something like this during the design meetings?!?

 

“Thou beslubbering pox-marked bum-bailey!” Today’s insults are so unimaginative by comparison.

“Thou beslubbering pox-marked bum-bailey!” Today’s insults are so unimaginative by comparison.

 

Two heads are better than one…

Two heads are better than one…

A convenient little fridge and barbeque for our new place.

A convenient little fridge and barbeque for our new place.

This is why you don’t decorate your palm tree.

This is why you don’t decorate your palm tree.

And just in case my friends don’t send enough jokes to keep me entertained, I can always depend on the spammers to give me a chuckle.  Check out the sequence of subject lines in this screenshot from my junk email folder:

They came through in exactly this order.

They came through in exactly this order.

It was sheer coincidence that the spam topics lined up, but it’s even more fun when oddball items come from real people.  Here are the top search terms that have brought visitors to my blog in the last little while:

“Warfarin shit pants” – I couldn’t imagine how my blog ended up in the search results for this phrase, because I was pretty sure I’d never used the word “warfarin” in a blog post… but I was wrong.  Sure enough, I had:  https://blog.dianehenders.com/2012/08/08/heeere-mr-gopher/.  Much to my own surprise, though, I’ve never actually written a post containing the phrase “shit pants”.  (Until now.  If you’ve found this post because you searched for “shit pants”… welcome!)

“Swinger confessions” – Yep, guilty as charged:  https://blog.dianehenders.com/2014/03/05/confessions-of-a-vegas-swinger/

“Werewolf porn” – Uh-huh, you know it:  https://blog.dianehenders.com/2015/07/15/werewolf-porn-star/.

“My cats ass looks like it is rotting” – No.  Just no.  I absolutely, definitely didn’t post anything on this topic.  “Cat’s ass”, yes:  https://blog.dianehenders.com/2015/05/06/its-the-cats-ass/.  “Pox-riddled rat’s ass”, yes:  https://blog.dianehenders.com/2016/04/27/how-to-be-a-slacker/.  But “rotting cat’s ass”, no.  Even I wouldn’t go there.

“My barbie doll came alive at night” – Rather surprisingly… yes, I actually did speculate about Barbie dolls coming alive at night:  https://blog.dianehenders.com/2011/11/30/barbie-celebrity-affairs-and-altering-reality/.

“Great big turds” – This one’s a twofer because it mentions turds and Barbie dolls in the same post.  (And seriously, how many bloggers can make that claim?)  https://blog.dianehenders.com/2012/02/22/it-was-a-dark-and-stormy-night/.

“Diane farts” – Um, yeah.  If you search my blog for the word ‘fart’, you’ll find 24 posts.  This tag cloud for my blog shows where my brain spends most of its time:

Good to see I have my priorities straight.

Good to see I have my priorities straight.

“Plumber snaked the toilet, husband” – Okay, I really want to have written a blog post about this, because I just can’t help visualizing the plumber ‘snaking’ the husband in some X-rated love triangle.  But even though I’ve written about plumbers, snakes, toilets, and husbands, I’ve never managed to cram them together in the same post.  Now I have a goal…

But despite all these worthy contenders, the one I found funniest was this spam comment:  “I find this website very informative and focused on topic”.

‘Informative’, maybe… if you’re looking for dirty limericks or evil sock imps.  But ‘focused on topic’?  Well, I’ll just let another of my search engine referrals address that:  “I wet my knickers I was laughing so hard”.

Yep, you said it!

 

38 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life, Writing

38 responses to “A Few From The Funny-Files

  1. Sorry I’ve been away from the party for a while kids, no excuses at all. I did have my very own “you can’t really explain this to your husband” moment earlier this week though, while watching Zootopia. (If y’all covered this in prior posts, so sorry!!) If you haven’t seen it, there is a brief reference in it to “fuzzy bunny”…I can’t make this stuff up, I swear. I just put my forehead on my palm for a moment, really couldn’t do much else…and laughed quietly and thought of Diane. THEN on Huffington Post today I see an article about stuffed toys that have recorded voice messages that can be done via the internet, and they’ve been hacked. Holy Crap! Your Fuzzy Bunny is real! 🙂

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/cloudpet-hack-recordings-messages_us_58b4aef0e4b0a8a9b7857b45?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. jenny_o

    Heard there were a couple of earthquakes out your way – hope all’s well with you, Diane.

    Like

    • Thank you for thinking of us! We’re fine – never felt a thing. Apparently earthquake activity increases on a fairly predictable cycle out here – about every 16 months, and we’re right at the peak of the cycle now. There have been 60 earthquakes in the past 30 days, and we haven’t noticed any of them. The experts say it’s good that we’re having lots of little ones, which will hopefully prevent “the big one”. We’re just hoping for the best…

      Like

  3. Always good to keep laughing. Oh my so many good ones there. I may never look another palm tree in the eye again.

    Like

  4. Loved the redneck BBQ.
    I got so many spam messages offering to enlarge my member I thought my wife must have complained on FB or something. I do the best I can with what I have.
    One of my son’s Grade 3 classmates drew a picture of a troll with a tail, which hung down between its legs and did NOT look like a tail. We teased her mom that either she knew something we didn’t about her father or she was going to be in for an awful surprise in a few years

    Like

    • Too funny! That’s one of those drawings that gets lovingly preserved for years, for the sole purpose of displaying at the child’s wedding. And I laughed out loud at your line, “I thought my wife must have complained on FB or something”. Tanya would never do that… would she…? 😉

      Like

  5. jenny_o

    I love the insult generator! And I’m curious how you can check what searches brought people to your blog. Is that a WordPress special feature or is there a trick I don’t know? On the other hand, I might not want to know, because I’ve been getting a lot of traffic from Russia lately …

    Like

    • Uh-oh. Sometimes plausible deniability is a good thing…

      I’m not sure how Blogger handles its reporting but in WordPress, the Site Stats page lists all the search terms that have been used to find my blog. It’s an… ahem… interesting read, but I’m comforted by the knowledge that the top search term is still my name. At least I’m not famous solely for my werewolf porn. 😉

      Like

  6. The insult generator reminds me of the good-guy and bad-guy commune name generator. Yep, the Bard certainly had a way with words. I wonder what he would have said about the balloon…

    Like

  7. The three way with the plumber and husband was hilarious. If for just one week I would buy all those products that guarantee me a bigger penis and a longer lasting erection I’m sure I would have a penis the size of Florida. I have no idea what to do with something like that.

    Like

    • Ha! I’m thinking it wouldn’t be much good for anything but bragging rights… if you could keep from passing out from the drop in blood pressure long enough to brag. (I also note that Florida is a rather phallic-shaped state. Hmmm.) 😉

      Like

  8. I loved the balloon, and did giggle at the others

    The balloon just seems so wrong but so funny

    Like

  9. Thanks for the great mid-day laugh. 😄 That Spider man balloon is crazy. You’d think even the purest of minds would catch that before it went into production!

    Like

    • It was probably something completely innocent whereby the design software only showed the shape of the balloon without its finished, um… filler pipe… but somebody, somewhere, had to have noticed and simply decided to turn a blind eye.

      Then again, can you imagine being the person who goes to the head of production and says, “We have to throw away a million balloons.” “Why?” “Ummm…”

      Like

  10. The one about the cup was so funny that I don’t even remember anything else but I laughed all the way through! Thank you.

    Like

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