I’m Older Than I Thought

/ Diane Henders

I’m finally back in the blogosphere again! My summer was… interesting. I intended to post quite a while ago, and then shit happened. Literally: My FIT came back positive.

FIT stands for Fecal Immunochemical Test, that highly enjoyable exercise in which you have to collect a (euphemistically-named) “stool sample” and have it analyzed for possible cancer markers. I don’t know why they bother using FIT for the acronym. SHIT would be far more appropriate: It describes both the process and the patient’s reaction to salvaging a turd and attempting to “sample” it using the tiny plastic stick provided.

Fortunately, I don’t have cancer. But even though this story has a happy ending, my “end” was downright disgruntled. Because: colonoscopy.

The prep was as usual, and that’s all I’m going to say. If you’ve never done a colonoscopy prep, you don’t want to know; and if you have, you probably don’t want to remember. (But if you really want details, comedian Billy Connolly describes it best: https://vimeo.com/24340828).

Last time I had a colonoscopy it was in combination with an upper GI scope, and conscious sedation was mandatory. As I mentioned back then, the sedation experience creeped me out because I had no idea what my unfiltered mouth might have said during the procedure. This time sedation was optional, so I opted out.

It was a slightly unpleasant and very weird experience. The unpleasantness didn’t surprise me – I wasn’t expecting to enjoy having nearly five feet of colonoscope shoved up where the sun don’t shine.

(Side note: Did you know that colonoscopes have depth gauges on them? I cracked up when I saw it marked off in feet and inches. I kept expecting the doctor to growl, “Aaarr, matey, sound me the depth of this asshole!”)

Anyhow, what I hadn’t expected was the weirdness (other than my own). While the doctor was snaking my drain, several people wandered in and out of the room for no apparent reason, which seemed very odd. Each time, one of the nurses hurriedly remarked, “She’s doing this without sedation.” Subtext: “She’s going to remember this, so don’t say anything inappropriate.” In each case, their response was to glance over at me and say, “Oh, hi.”

Since we were all being so friendly, I attempted a joke while my belly bulged and rippled as the scope navigated loops of intestine: “I feel like a character in Alien.”

*sound of crickets*

They were all too young to get the reference. Apparently there are now entire generations who haven’t been traumatized by chest-busting aliens.

Damn, I’m older than I thought.

Book 18 progress: Sadly, very little. We were bracketed by two different wildfires during the summer so I had the car packed and keys at hand in case we had to evacuate; my back has decided to add leg spasms to its delightful repertoire; and fighting for my disability benefits has been even more fun than wildfires, muscle spasms, and a colonoscopy combined. But I’m not giving up on poor jinxed Book 18! It WILL get done. (Just not this month.)

35 thoughts on “I’m Older Than I Thought”

  1. Oh my goodness Diane only you could make the whole experience funny. As an old retired nurse I cracked up at the people going in and out and being given the ‘warning’. Thank goodness the results came back benign after all of that snaking and deep diving.

    Sorry to hear about your proximity to wildfires this past summer. How stressful. not to mention the back issues which sound horrid. Big and gentle hug from Alberta. Thanks for the chuckle and I hope that’s the ‘end’ of it.

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  2. When I did the blog post about the Nov 10th shipwreck, I had to bite my tonque to keep from asking about the two gay Irishmen, Edmund Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzedmund. I’m going to hell anyway.

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  5. Glad everything turned out OK!! Unfortunately for me, I understand this only to well!! On my mom’s side of the family colon cancer has been prevalent, so since the age of 40 my siblings and I have had to do a colonoscopy every five years. Having said that I now have been on that cycle every 3 years as polyps were found (and removed) since my early 50’s (I’m now 71) and my next one is end of this month!! I so get the “fun” of the process, but keep thinking where I might be without it:( Glad you are “OK”!!!)

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  6. I love Billy Connelly. As for the aliens, a new show came out just this summer so there was no excuse for anyone not to get that reference.

    Being an ‘alien’ veteren though I had to reimagine the whole franchise with the chestbuster being blown out someones butthole instead!

    Now Im not sure which event would have been messier, though had it been the butt wouldnt the astronaughts have smelled it coming?

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    • LOL! Coming… or going. 😉

      So I guess it wasn’t that they were all too young to get the joke; it was just that the joke wasn’t funny. (Or maybe they’d already heard it umpteen times.) Either way, tough audience!

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  7. I have spent all summer waiting for you to return to blogging-was afraid you were one more missing blogger along with the blogfodder and sadly, Yellow Dog Granny. Glad to see you back and with a topic timely for my colonoscopy tomorrow.

    One more saying -” don’t blow smoke up my ass!” An older cousin filled me in with a bit of family history-my Swedish grandfather was cursed with piles in his later years and his folk remedy was to fill a five gallon pail with chicken fires, set it on fire and after it had died down he would set over the smoke and it would shrink the swollen piles. Maybe a case of an ill wind blowing some good.

    Keep the faith an don’t leave us to wonder so much

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    • Thanks, Blair! Sorry about my absence – I’m hoping things will settle down here and I’ll be a more consistent presence here on the blog. And good news: Blogfodder is back! Sounds like he had an eventful summer, too.

      Burning chicken feathers; yikes! That’s an “ill wind” indeed. But I guess if it worked, it was worth it. And even if it didn’t work, if it made him feel better it was worth it. Couldn’t have been worse than a colonoscopy. 😉

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  8. Been there. Done that. Did not like. Trying to find out why I was bleeding to death. Deilofoy lesion in belly. Probably not spelled correctly. Scopes and the ass end treatment.

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  9. Welcome back, Diane! You braved a lot of ordeals this past summer. I’ve had to do the stool sample last year and, contrary to what I thought – it wasn’t fun, or easy. Luckily, I haven’t had to experience a colonoscopy yet, but I know the drill from my husband, who needs to have them every three years! This past summer, he flew back to MA to get it combined with an endoscopy. He made lots of jokes about that ahead of time as well. 🙂

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    • Yep, I think we pretty well have to joke about colonoscopies – they’re too revolting to contemplate otherwise. Plus, it’s good to let our inner children have some giggles over potty jokes! We adults take ourselves far too seriously – we need to occasionally drop the dignity (if not the drawers). 😉

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  10. Nice to hear from you! 🤪
    I’ve taken the sedation for this fun test all 3 times. Dave has regular bronchoscopies after his double lung transplant surgery. He has to be knocked unconscious for this. I hope they cleaned out the scope after the previous colonoscopy first!
    Cheers – Inga

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    • Ha! Yep, that’s what I was thinking the last time, when I had both an upper GI scope and a colonoscopy at the same time. I figured they shook hands in the middle; but hopefully with different scopes!

      I can only imagine how awful an bronchoscopy must be – I’d definitely want to be unconscious. I wasn’t too sure about skipping the sedation for this one; but I figured I’d give it a try. They put the IV in anyway just in case I changed my mind during the procedure, so that was enough reassurance for me.

      Great to hear from you, too! 🙂

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  13. My name for a colonoscopy visit–visiting Dr. Ben Dover. We’re about the same age and yeah, a power flush at any age isn’t a welcome thing. Especially when it’s somewhat voluntary. I’m reminded more and more of this age thing when changing positions (sitting to standing, etc.) is accompanied by aches in places I didn’t even know I had.

    I haven’t had much to report here–none of the rallies this year interested me, on top of me being down a car in the fleet since January. That leaves me with only the spare car for now…which itself is going “under the knife” tomorrow and possibly into Friday due to a rod knock that hopefully I caught early enough.

    We didn’t have any fires, but did have a dismal summer in the Great Lakes area with oppressive humidity for a couple of months. Only in September did we finally get nicer weather, and even now in October we have finally only gotten into the 60s (Farenheit…that’s around 18° Canadian) after weeks of sunny 70s and 80s.

    Just remember that for all of our aches, pains, power flushes and probes…any day we are above ground and not pushing up dandelions is considered a win!

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    • That’s very true! Dandelions are my garden nemesis, so the longer I can deprive them of nourishment, the bigger the win. 😉

      “Dr. Ben Dover” – bahahaha!!! That’s hilarious. Jeez, too bad I didn’t have that one to trot out instead of my lame ‘Alien’ joke. (Or maybe not; just in case the doctor didn’t have a sense of humour. Bad time to piss him off.)

      Fingers crossed for your upcoming car surgery – I hope the patient and surgeon both end up healthy. 🙂

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      • If I caught it early enough, the problem should be fixed. The “surgery” involves working on the bottom end of the engine (replacing the connecting rod bearings, hoping the crankshaft isn’t scored), which means I’ll be laying down on my back in the driveway. It’s going to take some effort to convince the neighbors I am not napping under there. I imagine one of them poking at me with a stick; “Is he dead?” Administer tacos if I’m not responding. That usually works.

        And I guess “working on the bottom end” revolves back to getting probed in places we’d rather not discuss.

        All the best to you and your hubby!

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        • Thanks for the good wishes! (And for the “bottom end” joke – it would have been a sad day indeed if neither of us had seized the opportunity for it.)

          “Administer tacos”: Yes, please! 🙂

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  14. Sorry to hear it hasn’t been a great summer, and so glad cancer was a no! but excited you are back out in the world!! Even amidst your own discomfort you are really entertaining to hear from, and since i know life experiences tend to weave their way through our minds and create new outlets I am sure the next book will be even more fun to read.

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