Butt Of The Joke

…Or maybe ‘joke of the butt’ would be a more appropriate title.  Yes, I had a colonoscopy last week, and an upper GI scope at the same time – I suspect they shook hands in the middle.  But at least the specialist was kind enough to reassure me that they did use different scopes in my butt and my mouth.  Small mercies.

I won’t get into the sordid details of the day-long preparation, partly because I don’t want to gross anybody out, but mostly because Billy Connolly has already gone there in graphic and hilarious detail and I could never compete:  https://vimeo.com/24340828

In any case, the prep didn’t bother me too much.  Mind you, I’m not saying I’d care to do it again in this lifetime, but for me the worst part was not consuming anything but clear fluids for an entire day.  I am not a happy camper when I’m hungry.

I wasn’t too worried about the procedure since I knew they would be giving me conscious sedation, and it worked – I don’t remember a thing between when they started the IV and when I became aware again in the recovery room.

And that creeped me out more than all the prep and procedure combined.

If I’d been fully anesthetized, I wouldn’t have worried; but when other patients returned from their procedures they were fully conscious and (apparently) coherent.  The guy in the bed across from me was acting completely normal – reading his chart and visiting with the nurse while she gave him the recovery-room fare of orange juice and cookies.

I don’t remember a thing until I had orange juice and cookies in my hand.  I don’t even remember the nurse handing them to me.  Suddenly, I was just… there.  Eating cookies.


I expend a lot of effort maintaining my verbal filters in public, and if I was sedated enough to eliminate those filters, there’s no telling what I might have said.

Probably something like, “Hey, Doc, if you’re gonna do that, you could at least kiss me first.”

Or I might have recited one (or several) of the classic lines overheard during colonoscopies:

  • “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
  • “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
  • “Can you hear me NOW?”
  • “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
  • “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
  • “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
  • “Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
  • “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
  • “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
  • “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

Worse, apparently you have to expel all the gas that they blow inside you, and I don’t remember doing that, either.  But I know far too many fart jokes and if my inhibitions were down, God only knows what I might have said.

They didn’t treat me any differently when they released me, so I’m hoping I kept my inappropriate sense of humour under control.

But I’ll never know whether I’m now the butt of their jokes…

* * *

New discussion over at the Virtual Backyard Book Club:  What do you think of Tom?  Click here to have your say!

90 thoughts on “Butt Of The Joke

  1. Diane, you’ve reminded me of the time I had to have a tooth out under anaesthetic and I came to as I was being dragged unceremoniously into the recovery room. You’d think they’d have put me in a chair or something, wouldn’t you?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you got that over with! One day, if I get to heaven, I hope the process is just like this line from your post: “Suddenly, I was just… there. Eating cookies.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “Hey, Doc, if you’re gonna do that, you could at least kiss me first.” As the cow said to the AI tech.
    I had no anesthetic and no cookies and milk. Damn. And apparently they didn’t find any of the myriad of things I have been told to shove there over the years.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m supposed to have a stomach scope in the not-distant-enough future, and it is freaking me out, even though I had a colonoscopy without turning a hair … and I’m not superstitious but I feel like my freaking out is a ‘sign,’ for pete’s sake, that I will have severe, irreversible and possibly fatal after-effects … eeeek! Maybe I need a good luck charm after all …

    Meanwhile, I am glad for you that you have both procedures behind you now. Well, technically only one was behind you, but you know what I mean 🙂 And it’s too bad we don’t get to know what you really said and did while under, eh?

    Liked by 2 people

    • LOL! I’m torn between really, really wanting to know and being really, really glad that I don’t.

      I’d love to reassure you that the upper GI scope was no big deal, but I don’t remember a thing about it. My throat was quite sore for a few days afterward, but not as bad as strep throat, if that helps. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that your procedure goes well and your freak-out isn’t a ‘sign’, just a normal healthy reaction to the thought of somebody sticking a scope down your throat. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  5. My husband went in for a check up and the doctor suggested he get a colonoscopy. When my husband hemmed and hawed , the doctor tried to persuade him by saying he could schedule one for his wife at the same time, something to do as husband and wife.
    Let me ask you, did at any time did you say “Damn, should have invited the hubby along, he would have loved it’?
    Nothing says love like a couples colonoscopy.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Thank you Diane for my morning laugh, it was well needed. I will be giggling all day now thinking of those lines.
    I have not had the pleasure of a colonoscopy but have had conscious sedation once and when I came awake the nurse mentioned I talked a lot about dinosaurs. Apparently that was a new one for her and one of the aids because they chuckled. What’s so funny about dinosaurs…I refuse to think about it because my mind goes all over the mortifying place.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. ‘Shaking hands in the middle’. Still snorting over that.
    I had the pleasure of the lower half of the procedure last year myself. I was completely coherent for the first half and then after wrinkling my eyebrow in the slightest of discomfort I like you awoke eating cookies. 🙂
    Hope the results are nothing but positive and missing any special notations about patient behaviour. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I have some really good news for you. If you’re over 70 and don’t have a nasty family history, you never have to do that again. I’m celebrating for my very last one is over!

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Oh my I haven’t laughed out loud so much in days, glad your ok Diane.

    I dread the day I have to have something like that, anaesthetic generally does not last long after I’ve had an operation, having teeth removed I was awake before I was in recovery, in pain and spitting blood, last year when the abscess on my chest was done I was commenting on the lights as i was wheeled out of theatre. And years ago when I had a cyst removed from downstairs I was given morphine twice before I was back on the ward, but I was in Liverpool at uni at the time and didn’t have any family support around.
    Not that I really did for the chest thing but I didn’t expect to end up having surgery that day.
    As an aside I will say parents with mobile phones, emergencies work both ways, as my mother’s was only switched on for her emergencies or if we were meeting up. She is much better now though.

    Hope everyone is well

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Diane,
    I did the same thing, both procedures at once. And I too had no gas when I came to. Which was only a few minutes after they were done. So my question is, where did it go? Is it still in there somewhere, to be released for the purpose of utmost humiliation? If so, it will probably make the news, right? My favorite part was that I had the tests to figure out why I was having pain. Still don’t know and pain went away on its own after a while. I love the visual of the leaking balloon flying around the room. LOL

    Liked by 3 people

  11. From experience… I don’t take anesthetics well and knew one of the nurses. She shared that I woke up asking for my mommy. YELLING for my mommy, actually.
    But the worst isn’t what you say – but what you may hear! I was waiting for a two-hour-delayed procedure to remove my wisdom teeth when I overheard the anesthetist explaining to the dental surgeon that he was late because he lost a patient that morning and had to answer some questions!
    I went thru with the surgery a)because I’d been in pain for weeks and b) I decided he’d be pretty careful for the rest of the day. When I told my husband a few days later he opined that the doc might have been upset and not at the top of his game. Hadn’t thought that thru!
    – Maggie

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yikes! That’s not a conversation I’d like to overhear just before going under! I prefer to go with your optimistic interpretation though – I’m sure he must have been extra-careful that day.

      And the more I hear about anesthetic reactions like yours, the happier I am that I don’t know what I actually said. It was probably unprintable. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Hope they didn’t find anything up there, (down there?) Diane! 🙂 I had a series of endoscopies last year to try to find the cause of my chronic anemia. They found zilch. Which is good news, I suppose! Right before my last colonoscopy, I saw this: http://abc13.com/health/listen-patient-records-doctors-mocking-him-during-surgery/802568/ So of course I surreptitiously audio recorded my procedure. Not a word was spoken by any of the medical staff present during the actual probe. Kind of eerie, in a way…

    Liked by 3 people

  13. When I had my lower GI tract done I was very concerned about becoming overdosed with anesthetic because unlike Aydan (or perhaps you) I have inherited the opposite sort of metabolism from my mother. She could have died from an overdose of medications when recovering from both giving birth to a brother and having a procedure immediately thereafter for her vericose veins. She had two Gods who didn’t coordinate care and nurses who obeyed the word of the Gods without question and wouldn’t allow their patients to refuse medication. Mom, a nurse herself, knew her own symptoms and spit out most of the medications and hid it and lived to tell the tale. That was the way it was in the ’50’s.

    It takes very little alcohol to get me all red-faced and loopy- about a half of a beer or half a glass of wine. Very drunk with a nasty hangover that is felt for days or weeks following requires only 8 or 9 ounces of hard liquor. I am just as vigilant as Aydan about avoiding driving under the influence of alcohol so I rarely drink at all.

    Once I took a 25 mg dose of Benadryl to treat a case of poison ivy on a Friday afternoon and only woke up a couple of times over the next 58 hours – long enough to pee a few times and eat one meal. I went to work that Monday but slept through my lunch and coffee breaks and went straight home to bed immediately. By Tuesday I was back to normal again.

    With only that information to guide the anesthesiologist, they erred on the side of a low dose during my colonoscopy. I never lost memory at all and was unconcerned throughout, but watched the monitor during the procedure. I know I commented how surprisingly pretty I was inside. It was all shiny and pink in there. I had expected it to be more like liver or blood red. I don’t remember saying anything that I would not say under normal conditions, nor do I remember any issues with eliminating gas afterwards. I’m sure that in that particular type of recovery room, nobody’s farts stink.

    When you said you never want to go through the prep for this again, didn’t they tell you to do it again every 10 years? I do hope you continue in excellent health for decades to come and live to endure many more colonoscopies. And as Some Random Guy said, “If you write it (and publish it) I’ll read it” for all those decades to come. Your writing – both blogs and books makes my life more enjoyable. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Aw, thanks, El Tea! That means a lot to me. 🙂 Yes, they did make some ominous rumblings about repeating the test in 10 years. If I have to, I will – it really wasn’t that big a deal. But I’d rather not. At least they gave me a copy of the photos afterward. Kind of like “Postcards From The Rim”. Or wait; that was “Postcards From The Edge”… 😉

      Wow, it must be a little worrisome to deal with your drug reactions – isn’t it nice that medical people seem more inclined to ask questions and listen to their patients these days?

      Liked by 2 people

  14. I’m pretty sure they have all learned to keep a straight face while working on the compilation of “Things People Say When Consciously Sedated”. I also believe I heard they are doing a highly edited version of “Farted Hit Songs”. They will all be fabulously wealthy for having to go there when no one else will. It’s only fair.

    Liked by 3 people

    • LOL! That’s true – any profit they make from that line of work is well-deserved! Did you ever read James Herriot and his account of Cedric the farting bulldog? That’s another line that might have popped out of my mouth if I was farting up a storm: “Speak on, sweet lips that never told a lie!” Or my ex-father-in-law’s response to a simultaneous burp and fart: “All systems go!”

      Liked by 2 people

      • I Love James Herriott’s autobiographical books! (and the television series based upon them- “All Creatures Great and Small”.) They are as funny and touching as your own writing. The characters, both human and non-human are wonderfully described and as funny as could be. I wonder how much he had to do to disguise the true identities of the humans since I presume he still lived and practiced veterinarian medicine in the communities amongst his characters. I know you’ve doubled up by giving your protagonist many of your own traits, but you emphasize that you are a novelist, not an autobiographer. Yet there must be speculation about who it is who inspired various characters who people your fiction.

        Liked by 3 people

  15. I’m glad you had it done and that you are OK. As for myself: been there, done that and never again. Looking back the thing you want to be careful of as you are leaving the “procedure area” is do not make any sudden moves while you’re gassed up. The recoil alone is enough to cause a serious face plant..

    Liked by 3 people

    • Bahahaha!!! You see, that’s the part that really worries me – they said they were going to inflate me from both ends, but by the time I regained my memory there wasn’t a single burp or fart left in me. I’m having a mental image of myself shooting around and around the recovery room like a released balloon, accompanied by the constant roar of high-velocity escaping gas…

      Liked by 3 people

  16. “I suspect they shook hands in the middle.”–Ha!

    You know I had to stop by for this one, Diane. Good on you for getting the scopes. I don’t look forward to my own, but the screenings are important. Now you’ve got me wondering what I’ll say during mine though. What if I end up blurting out one of those lines you’ve listed above? So yeah, thanks for that. 😉

    Glad everything went well. Hope summer is treating you superbly!

    Liked by 3 people

    • LOL! You’re welcome – I live to serve!

      It’s great to hear from you, and I hope you’re enjoying your summer and your vacation from blogging. I’ve thought about you frequently and wondered how your current WIP was going.

      I’ve been meaning to pop over to your Facebook page to tell you that Eating Bull finally surfaced in my TBR pile, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! (Well, as much as one can enjoy wacked-out serial killers sawing through fat and bone.) It was an excellent read and your characters were very well-developed and relatable. I’ll look forward to your next. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Darwin does get a little twisted, that’s for sure. Mwahahaha.

        I finished my third novel and pitched it to agents at ThrillerFest a couple weeks back. It’s in their hands now, so we’ll see. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

  17. If it makes you feel better, as a nurse I think I can say with a fair degree of confidence that whatever you may have said isn’t anything they ain’t already heard. Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure they’ve heard far worse!! But I have to admit, yours were pretty funny!

    Liked by 3 people

  18. ONE OF YOUR VERY BEST! One question you should have asked the Doc was to remove all the smoke both political parties have blown up there. Don’t you wish for a “cone of silence” until November? Check my latest post D-

    Liked by 3 people

  19. LOL! I can totally picture you saying any of the possibilities you listed.

    I’m with you, though–I really don’t like the idea of a “me” I can’t remember inhabiting my body during a procedure as, um, intimate as a colonoscopy. God only knows what would come out of my mouth.

    Aside: I wonder if the medical personnel who perform the procedural on high-level government officials have to have a security clearance. Or, at the least, sign a non-disclosure agreement.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s an excellent question! I don’t know whether the sedation actually lowers your inhibitions and/or makes you more suggestible or whether it just knocks out your short-term memory; but imagine the possibilities. For all I know, they implanted some subconscious thought that’s going to make me stand on my head and cluck like a chicken at the next full moon. (At least, that’s what I intend to use as an excuse…) 😉

      Liked by 3 people

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