I adore food and I like trying new recipes, but I don’t have much patience for unnecessarily fiddly instructions and I frequently get creative with ingredients. As you might guess, this creates a certain… tension, shall we say… between expectations and results.
So, yeah, I’ve had my share of culinary failures. But every now and then, I look up a new recipe and *gasp* actually follow the instructions! Crazy, right?
Ironically, at least half of my misadventures have resulted from following somebody else’s recipe exactly. Case in point: The doughnuts I made last week.
I make all my own bread and buns, so I wasn’t daunted by the yeast doughnut recipe I found online. I always mix and knead my dough by hand; but hey, this time I was following the recipe! So I proofed my yeast and loaded everything into the bowl of my stand mixer as instructed. “Mix for a whole 5 minutes to work the dough well,” the recipe said blithely.
Well.
My Mixmaster is only slightly younger than I, and it weighs almost as much. Plus, it’s ridiculously overpowered — I could mix cement with that thing. So after about a minute of mixing, the dough got smooth and elastic, as I’d expected. What I didn’t expect was that the dough would rocket up the beaters with the speed of a scalded snake, force itself through the tiny gap around the beater shafts, and cram the drive head full.
I used up most of my sanity and my considerable arsenal of foul language in the twenty minutes that it took to dismantle the mixer and extract gluey dough from nooks and crannies that were never meant to be in contact with food.
But eventually I got the whole mess back into the bowl (or into the garbage, in the case of the crap I pulled out of the drive head). I let the dough rise, then attempted to flatten it and cut out doughnut shapes as directed. (Note the word “attempted” in the previous sentence.)
Ha.
More colourful language flowed while I fought the sticky uncooperative mass, and at last I wrangled some approximately doughnut-shaped blobs onto my pan to rise.
Hubby passed through the kitchen and eyed the result with a frown. “Is this one of those Impressionist things?” he inquired.
I snorted. “Surrealist, maybe. Salvador Dali would love these.”
Fortunately those weird mutant blobs fried up into fluffy golden-brown mutant blobs that were ever-so-tasty when coated with cinnamon sugar. So technically the doughnuts were a success; but the whole episode involved far more work, time, mess, and stress than it should have.
Next time, I’m going to do it my way. Then at least I’ll know who to blame for any problems.
Anybody have a well-tested yeast doughnut recipe? (Just asking…)
Author Diane Henders 
When I use dough, Diane, it’s always inside my breadmaker. The ingredients come from the breadmaker handbook. The disasters come when the ingredients weren’t quite right.
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Breadmakers seem like such a good idea, especially when I’m hoisting around a giant ball of bread dough with my wooden spoon. But I love kneading and forming the loaves by hand! I guess it’s a good way to work out any frustrations. 😉
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That’s true. I’m a lazy breadmaker!
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Pingback: More Kitchen Capers | Author Diane Henders
Any update on your new book
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I didn’t post a book update this time because I haven’t made progress worth reporting, unfortunately. My time has been taken up by re-releasing all the books with their new covers; and then a bunch of unforeseen “Life” stuff happened. So Book 18 had to temporarily take second place, but I’ll be back on it soon. There will definitely be an update with my next post! 🙂
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I’m glad it all turned out ok, but you had me laughing at the crap you went through to complete it!!! Thanks for sharing…have a great weekend!!
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I’m glad you got some laughs! It was quite funny… after I got all the dough out of the mixer head. The doughnuts were weird-looking, but at least I could eat the evidence! 🙂
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Catsandotherwildlife is just me — jenny_o 🙂
WordPress has been giving me a hard time lately. I was able to make that comment, but now the reply button is greyed out. I am sending this comment by email and hoping it works!
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Aha! Catsandotherwildlife sounded so familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why. It’s okay — you’re welcome here regardless of your handle. 🙂
WordPress just made a change to their comment boxes without any advance warning. It’s a little weird and off-putting, but who knows what grand plan they have? Peons such as I just have to shut up and live with it, even though it’s “my” site. Sigh.
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I’d like to have been a bug on the wall when you were, um, expressing your dismay 🙂
That’s a lot of work – both expected and unexpected – but sounds like a delicious result. My late bachelor great-uncle used to make cake-type doughnuts about the size of an egg, no hole. No sugar, no cinnamon. They were SO good. (probably full of lard, looking back, lol)
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LOL! It’s amazing how delicious those bad-for-you things are! And it’s probably lucky you weren’t a bug on the wall — your wings might have melted from the heat of my invective. 😉
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Oh, I feel for you, Diane. Those doughnuts put up a real fight. Not only did the “whole episode involve far more work, time, mess, and stress than it should have” but it also dug deep into your personal dictionary of curse words!
But, so many times, the way the end product looks like is less important than its taste. Have you ever tried to make gnocchi from scratch? I dare you. We have a story about that and it’s not pretty! 🙂
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Okay, now I really want to hear your gnocchi story! I actually do make my gnocchi from scratch, but it took several messy failures before I figured out the process. The recipes make it sound simple… and it is… as long as you already know how to make gnocchi. 😉
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Let’s just say that the ratio wet dough and potato was much out of whack, so Mark kept adding flour to the sticky mess, until we were out of flour in our camper (and the neighbors didn’t have any) and the dough hadn’t gotten any less sticky.
Of course, we ended up with too much goop, a pile of which I tossed in the ocean (we were camped at a beach), which Maya snuck up on and ate (we are talking about at least one kilo of dough here).
So, we then worried about her and her stomach, all the while making that darn gnocchi that didn’t even look or taste like gnocchi. Oh, and this was a meal we were making for newly made camping friends. That it wasn’t a succes is an understatement. 🙂 Never again!
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Oh, no! What a disaster! I can just imagine that dough ball getting bigger and bigger. You must have felt as though it was taking over your entire camper. That’s one of those stories that’s only funny in retrospect, isn’t it? 🙂
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First I hope that you don’t actually mix cement and dough in the same mixer – even at different times. And I’ll admit that I’ve never tried to make doughnuts. Never, not any kind. Sadly I’m forced to buy all my doughnuts from a doughnut shop. Well, I have bought a few from a grocery store, but they’re never worth it..
and I will admit that when I saw the picture of your doughnuts, my first thought was, “I’ll be right over.”
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LOL! They were pretty darn delicious, even though they weren’t perfectly formed. The problem with doughnuts is that you have to eat them right away. Even a few hours later, they aren’t as good. (That’s why I had to eat four of them within minutes of cooking. It was for quality control. Not because I’m a glutton. Nope. Nuh-uh.) 😉
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I’m sorry about your “Doughnut Disaster”.
I’ve had the exact same thing happen when I was using my Kitchen Aid to mix sweet roll dough! It was a mess! I know I didn’t get quite all of it out either, because later on that particular Kitchen Aid died. Motor seized. (I wonder why!)
At least sweet rolls (like your doughnuts) were tasty!
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My condolences on the death of your KitchenAid, but I’m actually glad to hear your story. I’ve been eyeing my antique Mixmaster and wondering if it was time to upgrade to a KitchenAid stand mixer. Now that I know they have the same problem with dough, I’ll just hang onto my ugly old mixer until it finally croaks! (It’ll probably outlive me, anyway.) 🙂
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Oh, but I love my new Kitchen Aid! I know better than to let dough get in it now. And like your Mixmaster, you could mix cement in it!
The only thing I’d trade my KA for is one of those industrial Hobart mixers.
Which would DEFINITELY be super overkill. I used to use them every day when I was working in food service. Talk about powerful mixers! Those things take the cake!!
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Uh-oh. Now I have to go and drool over KitchenAid mixers again. 😉 Do you have the tilt-head or the bowl lift?
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Tilt head. It’s nice.
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Thanks – that’s the one I was leaning toward. Good to know you like it! 🙂
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Two of my girls are celiac. One will be incapacitated for three days if so much of a crumb gets in her food. I am terrified when they are here that I will accidently poison them. Fortunately lots of restaurants are gluten free these days which makes it easier. But most fast food joints deep fry their
french fries in the same oil as e.g. onion rings so you have to ask.
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Yikes, that’s a really scary sensitivity. One of my aunts was celiac, so your girls have my sympathy. I’d be afraid to cook for them, too — I’m sure just about everything in my kitchen has been contaminated by the fine dusting of flour that seems to poof outward in a 12-foot radius every time I cook. Someone with that level of gluten sensitivity probably wouldn’t even be safe breathing the air in my house.
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I hear you on all sorts of levels. Creative with ingredients. Yes. Some successes some abject failures. Yes. I stop at the mix master though. Ours is heavy. Very heavy. So I need some assistance getting it out. And cleaning it (even without the Herculean efforts you had to put in) is a beast. So I hand mix.
And am not tempted by donuts. I once worked near a donut shop and the smell is more enough to take me back to those days. Smell is a powerful trigger for me.
I am glad that yours at least tasted good.
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They were tasty; but I can imagine how you’ve been turned off them. This recipe only made 14 doughnuts, and the last couple went into the compost because we were tired of them. If I had to smell that hot-grease-and-sugar scent day after day, I likely wouldn’t be able to eat doughnuts, either.
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What no update on the next book? I wait eagerly for you now monthly emails, and this one left me sad and wanting. Especially since the donuts were a fail. LOL. Sincerely,Susan
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Aw, sorry about that! There’s no book update because I haven’t made progress worth reporting, grrr! I’ve been working hard to re-release all the books with their new covers; and then a bunch of unforeseen “Life” stuff happened into the bargain. Sigh. So Book 18 had to take second place, but have no fear! I’ll be back on it soon, I promise. 🙂
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Appreciate your responding. Take all the time you need, I know life happens!
I look forward to each new book, so updates keep me watching for when you publish it. I know the new book will be worth the wait.
Susan
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Thanks, Susan! I really appreciate your encouragement. Knowing that you’re looking forward to Book 18 makes me even more eager to get back to it! 🙂
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My “discovery” this past month is corn tortillas. My better half needs to be gluten-free (or wheat-free…we haven’t determined which, yet), so this opened up a window of opportunity to offer something other than corn chips with the Mexican food I make. For once it was an easy recipe that even I couldn’t mess up. Ingredients? Masa harina (corn flour), water. A dash of salt. Mix/knead it together with just enough water to get the dough to stay in a ball; never wet enough to stick. Squish a ball of dough in the tortilla press, and heat a minute per side on a medium hot skillet. Done! Only thing is, it’s time consuming–I’ve had three skillets going when I need tortillas to make a dozen enchiladas.
Hearing about your Dali-esque creations, I wonder if the recipe could be adapted to homemade Timbits®. 😁 That does remind me of a Greek dessert I had at a nearby restaurant–loukoumades. Essentially the same thing–donut bites dusted with cinnamon sugar and served with a honey syrup. (Good recipe on the excellent My Greek Dish site.) I’d eat ’em by the bushel, except something about my doctor and hypertension and “drop some weight” seems to get in the way every time…
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Those darn doctors and their advice! I always have to suppress the urge to ask them, “Will that diet actually make me live longer, or will it just feel like forever?”
Those loukoumades sound absolutely yummy! One of my guilty pleasures is baklava, so you had me at “honey syrup”. And your corn tortillas sound like the ideal recipe — I love three-ingredient goodies. I don’t have a tortilla press, but I’m sure I could rig something up with a hydraulic jack and a couple of pieces of steel plate. How thin d’ya want those tortillas? 😉
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That…would be a thin tortilla! 😁 Seriously though, using a couple of pieces of plastic or parchment paper (or maybe even wax paper) to sandwich a small ball of dough between is a requirement, and either a tortilla press or the bottom of a Pyrex 13×9 pan would do a good enough job with it. I only grabbed the press since it was inexpensive (a genuine Victoria press made in Colombia) and easy to store.
I hate to say it but lately, the lighter I eat or the more all-veggie days I have, the better I’ve been feeling. I may end up saving meat for special occasions in the near future.
Yet now I’m craving a bag of donuts from the cider mill (it’s almost that time of year), and a stack of loukoumades….
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Funny how that happens, isn’t it? I’ve had to ease off on my food consumption, too, much to my disgust. This whole aging thing is just poorly conceived, if you ask me. 😉
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