Objects In The Mirror May Be Scarier Than They Appear

Mirrors.  When I need them to tell me the truth, they lie; and when I really, really want them to lie, they tell the truth.

I’ve found that it’s important to adjust my expectations based on which mirror I’m consulting.  The ones in our bedroom and bathroom are very slimming, which is a nice boost to my self-esteem on a daily basis, but it sets me up for disappointment when I look in any other mirrors.

The mirror in my workout area makes me look as though I’ve strapped a life preserver around my middle, but I’m pretty sure that mirror has an odd distortion at stomach height.  (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

And don’t even get me started about the mirrors in bathing suit stores.  Those ones tell the brutal truth about all the worst features of my body; and then they go ahead and pile on a bunch of ugly lies about my best features, too.  I’m pretty sure store mirrors were designed by Satan himself in the fiery depths of hell.

I was reminded of all this the other day.  No, I wasn’t buying a bathing suit – I don’t need that kind of trauma in my life.  I was looking in my magnifying mirror with my middle-aged eyes (wearing reading glasses, of course, because otherwise I wouldn’t see anything but a pink blur).

And I thought, “Well, those whiskers aren’t too obvious.  Guess I’ve got another day or two before I have to pluck them all out again.”

Then I realized the unfortunate truth:  Nobody my age will see my face-fur unless they’re peering at me from close range with reading glasses (and I’m pretty sure I’d notice that in time to take evasive action).  But younger eyes can see crystal-clear detail at any distance.

So those bristles I’ve been pretending “aren’t too noticeable”?  Yep, you guessed it.  To anybody with normal eyesight, I’m well on my way to a playoff beard.  Sadly, there’s no victory in sight.

Dealing with reality would take too much effort, so instead I’ve decided to invent the new and exciting “Middle-Age Mirror”.  For women, it’ll have subtle distortions at boob and waist height to bring back our hourglass figures, along with a nice soft-focus face area.  For the guys, the mirror will broaden the shoulders and minimize the beer belly, while providing a flattering magnification zone in a strategic place.

Now I only have to convince our legislators to make the Middle-Age Mirror mandatory in all public places.

Ahhh.  I look better already!

Book 14 update:  I’m almost finished Chapter 4, and those headstrong characters are surprising me already.  This is why I love writing  I never know what’s going to happen!

33 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

33 responses to “Objects In The Mirror May Be Scarier Than They Appear

  1. I’m ready to order your mirror for guys!! Thank you for my morning laugh….I so get it on the hair thing….as a guy whose hair has gone prematurely white…I can’t even pretend to call the front part gray any more….anyway white hairs growing elsewhere…say eyebrows and nose hairs have a mind of their own and now I have to get my reading glasses and check it out almost everyday to make sure I don’t look like the mad wizard. LOL

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  2. Think of the sign on the mirror on the ceiling in the honeymoon suite: “Things in the mirror are smaller than they appear”

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    • LOL! That makes me think of one of the comedy routines I heard long ago – it might have been Bill Cosby. Whoever the comedian was, the shtick was a description of being given the honeymoon suite with the mirrored ceiling: “…and I wake up and open my eyes and THERE’S A NAKED SKYDIVER COMIN’ RIGHT AT ME!”

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  3. Mirrors? One is enough. Sometimes more than enough.

    Bookcases? Bryant’s Law applies: If some is good, and more is better, then too much is just right. Words to live by..

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    • Preach it, brother! Our bookcases will take up an entire 25-foot-long wall upstairs, and I’ve designed them to accommodate some shallow rolling shelves for extra paperbacks in front… just in case the main shelves aren’t sufficient. Must… have… more… bookshelves…!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a humorous, yet honest post for women of every age. Those magnifying mirrors are evil incarnate. Nobody is going to look at someone else’s face that close – unless it’s a close friend or significant other, in which case hopefully they love us for more than our looks by this point. Your invented mirrors sound like a life-saver!

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    • You’re right – I don’t have anybody in my life who’s that hung up on my appearance. And as long as I can’t see myself clearly enough to worry about it, either… well, that’s a win-win!

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  5. Last time I looked, my six-pack had turned into a keg! I haven’t looked since.

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  6. I’m signing up for one of your mirrors straight away. As I started reading I immediately thought of mirrors in bathing suit stores.
    Clearly we are on the same wavelength. And what is it with aging and growing whiskers? Good grief!

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    • I just can’t figure out the whisker thing. On guys, I figure there’s at least a bit of logic there: They start sprouting nose and ear hair and whiskers at a great rate, to make up for going bald. But whiskers for women? Nope, I’m stumped.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. The idea about mirrors is good, but apparently, it’s already realized partially. In our gym, Irina, my wife, prefers to work out in the right half of it because mirrors there make her slimmer. I like to work out in the left half of it, near dumbbell row, and you may guess why.

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  8. I’d happily invest in that mirror. Sometimes it’s best we don’t see the reality of what we’re becoming. 😁

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  9. drae

    My bathroom mirror is allowing a lot of “old” women in on the other side just to stare back at me in the mornings. If I sit relatively still and don’t try to run (a good steady walk without stopping for breathing breaks) to far, then in my minds eye I am just the same as I was 40-50 years ago (when I was 25-35). But you can imagine my shock when I get up in the mornings and there is some old broad taking up my mirror space. You can bend down or move off the side to escape her, but when I come back, she’s still there. I don’t know why the mirror caretakers don’t realize that that reflection looks nothing like me and quits trying to convince me it does.

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  10. Barbara V

    I want to know why mirror’s do that. Are they not all based on same process?My bathroom, car, all other mirrors make me look a bit different. I think it is gremlins.

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  11. jenny_o

    When you get that mirror into production, I’ll take a dozen, please. Sounds like something that could lead to world peace or at least to better marriages.

    There’s just one more tweak I’d appreciate in it – could you add a feature to make my hair look like it does when I’m sitting in the hairdresser’s chair? Right before I go home and cry about how it looks in real life? Thanks 🙂

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  12. There are times in my life where I think I should lose some weight (okay, a lot of weight), but then I think of all the money I spent on getting to my current weight and then think that I can’t just let that investment fade away – do you have any idea how much I spent on food to get here?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Is it really a week since your last post? Time flies. Mind I have just finished another day doing some testing for work, a third day on York, mu h better than being in the office we were down 2 days last week and are down again on Friday. And have been told we could be back again next week or the week after.

    Oh I’m also buying a new flat, so life is fun, no time for mental health issues or depression. Offer was accepted on Monday but it seems to be progressing nicely.

    Spreading joy and happiness to all.

    Still wants to know the gummi bear scene

    I have even found time to finish reading two books this week

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    • Wow, you’re really in the thick of it this week! Congratulations on your new place – wishing you lots of happiness there. And, hey, you’ll be happy to know that the paperbacks for Book 12 and 13 will finally be available soon – maybe even by next week. Stay tuned! 🙂

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      • You just made my week even better!!!!!! Your books will get pride of place in the new flat. I just have to thin out some of the others but I really don’t have the heart or the guts to donate or throw books away. Maybe my dad will have to build me another bookcase instead

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        • More bookcases are always better! 🙂 Hubby is working on our built-in bookcases right now – they’re the last thing to finish and then our house will finally be complete. I can hardly wait – I haven’t seen my books in nearly two years!

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