Shower Growlers And Barking Spiders

Depictions of the literary Muse always show some dreamy ethereal woman draped in a classical Greek robe, with brilliant ideas swirling like rainbows around her perfectly coiffed head.

Ha.  I wish.  Here’s the conversation I had with my Muse this week:

Me, strolling up to the Muse’s door on Monday:  *knock, knock*  Hey, there…

Muse:  What’s the matter with you?  Can’t you read the “Do Not Disturb” sign?  Get lost!

Me:  Oops.  It’s just that, well, I usually write my blog drafts today, and…

Muse:  Scram!

Me:  Okay, sorry.  Um… maybe tomorrow…?

Muse:  Yeah, whatever.

Me, shuffling bashfully up to the muse’s door on Tuesday:  *knock, knock*  Hi.  Um…

Muse:  You again?  Whaddaya want?

Me:  Um… a blog post…?

Muse:  You gotta be shitting me!  Didn’t I just bust my ass for you all morning on Book 13?

Me:  Well, yeah; and I was really happy with your ideas.  I appreciate it… but… you know I do a blog post once a week…

Muse:  Oh, for…  Okay, FINE!  Check out the Urban Dictionary for “shower growler”:  “When you’re showering you press your butt against the wall and fart, making a rumbling growl and vibrating the walls of the shower.”*

(*Note:  This was not even the Muse’s own idea – my friend Chris emailed it to me last week.)

Me:  Come on, I need more than that.

Muse, glowering dangerously:  Oh yeah?

Me, finding a backbone at last and glowering in return:  Yeah!

Muse, emitting a martyred sigh:  Fine.  Write a whole post about farts.  How about a page of euphemisms?  I got a million of ‘em!  Blow the butt trumpet, strangle the stank monkey, play the colonic calliope, roast your Jockeys…”

Me, snickering in spite of myself:  Well… I dunno…

Muse:  …Do the one-cheek sneak; drop a barking spider; hit 7.4 on the Rectum scale; a turd honking for the right of way…

Me, stifling giggles:  Stop!  I’ve been trying to behave lately.

Muse:  You?  Behave?!?  As if.  How about this:  “Shit a brick and fart a crowbar”.  Or hey; how about some definitions?  Like “Fartabout”:  Walking away from everybody to ease out a fart so nobody notices.  It’s like a walkabout, only you’re farting…

Me:  There’s already a word for walking around and spreading the stink.  It’s called ‘cropdusting’.

Muse, huffily:  Well, fine, you obviously don’t need me, then. *slams the door in my face*

Me:  Wait, I didn’t mean it that way! *knock, knock*  C’mon, open up!  I need you, really I do.

Muse:  Get lost!

Me:  *sigh*

So there you have it.  I would have prepared a literary masterpiece for today, but my Muse had a bad case of brain flatulence.

Everybody else gets the classy chick with rainbows and perfect hair.  I get this:

Diane’s Muse

So how was your week?

24 thoughts on “Shower Growlers And Barking Spiders

  1. Well, I don’t know exactly what I was expecting from the title (I’m a bit on the naive side) but it wasn’t this!!! Thanks for the . . . er . . . education . . . 😀

    And I didn’t realize I had to have a muse. That must be where I’m going wrong. I was blaming my brain 🙂


    • Oops, sorry about the “education”. Does this come under the category of “once it’s seen it can never be un-seen”?

      And it’s definitely the Muse. Couldn’t be our brains.

      …Could it? 😉


  2. Well, not all muses are nice. Sometimes they piss us off in order to motivate new ideas. I mean you did get a whole blog post. Right? Just say’n.

    and check this out in the urban dictionary: crop dusting, “farting while walking; walking while farting;”


  3. The exchanges I have with whatever passes for my muse, if they can be called conversations, generally contain the phrase, “…and the horse you rode in on!” followed immediately thereafter by the sounds of doors slamming and/or glass breaking. The other racket I’ve managed to convince my neighbors was a vehicle backfiring. Or several vehicles. Until just before the cops showed up.

    Think of it as a hate/hate relationship.

    This whole muse thing just isn’t working for me. Er, either, as it were. Just sayin’… From my phone, your progress chart looks like about two pixels’ worth of movement from last week. Maybe it’d look better from a bigger screen.

    Either way, about two pixels is all the progress I’ve made this week, too. A bigger screen. Yeah, we’ll just go with that. 🙂


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