Well, it had to happen. After a couple of months in which my daily life provided no trouser-snake humour whatsoever, the unnatural clean streak has finally broken. This week provided a veritable plethora of penises. A cornucopia of cocks. A deluge of dicks; a wealth of wangs; a surfeit of schlongs…
Oh, okay, fine; so it was actually only two minor references. But that’s more than enough to get me started.
First off, though, I’d like to note that it wasn’t my fault. For a change, my juvenile sense of humour was under control. But fate had other plans…
We were sitting in the bar on Friday night when I mentioned Iceland. It’s a place I’d like to visit, since I love wild and lonely landscapes and Iceland has that in spades: volcanoes and glaciers; fire and ice.
So I innocently brought it up, and one of my friends (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) turned to me completely straight-faced and said, “Did you know Icelandic men have the largest penises in the world?”
Well, how does one respond to such a statement? With a hint of disapproval and a dignified change of topic, of course…
*insert uncontrollable laughter here*
Oh, hell, no. You know me better than that.
Snickering and raunchy remarks abounded, along with a pointed inquiry as to how she came by this gem of information. She swore it was a result of scholarly medical research, and that a world map actually exists showing each country colour-coded by average size.
I called bullshit.
I was wrong.
Here it is: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/-3naDJj52v8/maxresdefault.jpg. (There’s nothing risqué in this link, just a colour-coded map of the world… but if you’re someplace where people might sneak up behind you and read the giant heading “25 Countries With The Largest Average Penis Size”, you might want to wait a bit. And for those of you who are looking at the legend and going, “What the…? Yikes!”, the measurements are in centimetres, not inches.)
Just in case you don’t dare look at it, I’ll satisfy your curiosity: Icelanders are actually second-largest with an average of 16 to 17 centimetres (6.3 to 6.7 inches). Columbia, Venezuela, and the Congo are the ‘big’ winners at 17+. (Also; Canadians, while not as well-endowed as the Icelanders, nevertheless average a centimetre or two larger than the States. Just sayin’. )
Anyway, the whole ‘measurement’ thing segues nicely into another exchange that made me giggle last week:
Hubby was getting ready to trim my hair. (Yes, I trust him with scissors.) I had asked him to cut about an inch and a half off the ends, and he inquired, “Is that a male inch-and-a-half or a female inch-and-a-half?”
Which, of course, was a reference to this old chestnut:
Q: Why are women so bad at judging distance?
A: Because men keep telling them that three inches is actually six.
How did things measure up in your world this week?
* * *
Book 11 draft is finished and the beta readers are hard at work – woohoo! Tentative title is “THE SPIES THAT BIND”, and it looks as though the release date will be sometime during the week of March 21st. I’ll post the cover and blurb next week, so stay tuned!