Dear Autumn…

*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)

Dear Autumn,

I’m not quite sure how to tell you this.

I know we’ve been seeing each other for fifty years, but I have to admit that for me it’s been more out of habit than any real affection.  And lately I’ve realized I want… more.

Maybe I shouldn’t have read all those self-help books, but it’s too late for regrets and what-ifs. Now I can’t help analyzing our relationship, and the more I think about it the more I realize what a vicious, controlling bastard you really are.

Oh, you hide it well. You pretend you’re all about new beginnings as you usher the kids off to a new school year. You’re everybody’s favourite season, with your handsome colouring and irresistible scent. They don’t realize you’re hiding your heartless personality behind that pretty façade.

Well, I’m onto you. You’re a actually the sociopathic poster child for dysfunctional relationships. You act sweet, but you sneak into my garden and kill my plants when I’m not looking, you force me to wear ugly bulky clothes, and you systematically isolate me from all the things I love.

Plus I’ve finally figured out it’s no coincidence that my dearest love, Summer, always vanishes when you show up. For years I thought it was just Summer’s way, to love me and then leave me with memories so sweet I couldn’t help but fall for him all over again when he reappeared.

But now I know that you’re the one who drives him away. What do you hold over him, you son of a bitch? What leverage could you possibly have that would make him disappear without a trace for months at a time?

I’ve got news for you, Autumn, I don’t care if Summer has other lovers. I don’t care if he loafs around and goofs off work. I don’t even care if he sometimes burns me.

All I know is that Summer encourages me to get out and have fun with my friends, he likes it when I wear shorts and tank tops, and he’s out there with me every single day in my garden.  Summer encourages me to eat right and take care of myself, too. He brings me all kinds of delicious healthy fruits and veggies, but he’s not a stick-in-the-mud – he makes sure I get to enjoy lots of treats like ice cream and cold beer, too.

And then you come along and spoil it all.

Well, I’ve finally had enough of you. It’s over between us. Pack up your pretty clothes and get the hell out of my life.

Oh, and by the way? Take your rotten sidekick Winter with you when you go. He’s all sparkles and charm until he convinces me to go out, and then he gives me the cold shoulder. And you can tell him this for me: that white-on-white look went out with the last episode of Fantasy Island in the 80s. It doesn’t make him look sophisticated; it just shows he has no imagination. You two are real pieces of work, you with your garish wardrobe and him with that weird monochrome thing going on.

Both of you can go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

With the utmost sincerity,

Diane

* * *
A couple of days ago I was bemoaning the impending loss of my garden and I took this photo:

I thought this was bad...

I thought this bit of snow on the roof was bad…

This morning I woke up to this:

Snowpocalypse.  This is AFTER I went out and knocked the snow off our trees.

Snowpocalypse. This is AFTER I went out and knocked the snow off our trees to keep them from breaking. Trees are down all over the city, and we’re having power outages.

But just because I can’t bear to leave this post with such a repulsive image, here’s what I rescued before the snow started to fly:

Summer's last gift. Now you know why I love him. :-)

Summer’s last gift. Now you know why I love him. 🙂

46 Comments

Filed under Humour, Life

46 responses to “Dear Autumn…

  1. Pingback: Just Letting The Weird Out | Diane Henders

  2. I loved your letter to Autumn and am in total agreement. Although the snow is still far away (I hope) in this neck of the country, Winter is not pleasant here at all and overstays his welcome for far too long.

    Like

  3. I heard about the snow last week, but didn’t actually believe it until now. Great post, Diane. And if it’s any consolation, our garden got a late start this year, and is facing an early death, too.

    Like

  4. If you’re willing to wait a few million years, plate tectonics may give your wish of a shorter autumn and winter. Global warming may do it much sooner.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Or in the near term, you could just pack up and move three thousand km south and hang with us. We’re fun, and it’s warm down here. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • So far global warming hasn’t done much for us – our winters have been longer than ever. The last couple of summers have been slightly hotter than usual, but that’s not much comfort when the frost-free season is only ten weeks long.

      @glbryant probably has the right idea, though in fact I could move just about anywhere and get a better growing season. Even 600 km north of us they get nearly a month longer.

      But nooooo… I had to choose Calgary… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. “Summer lovin’, had me a blast…

    Summer lovin’, happened so fast… ”

    Ah, now I’m gettin’ all sentimental…

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Awww…I actually kinda like the idea of Autumn and Winter…but then again, I’ve never actually experienced them 😛

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Curse thee Snowpocalypse and rains of all seasons

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I love it. I haven’t heard that final curse in a long time. Good one! 😀:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hadn’t thought of it in a long time! Probably thirty years or more, in fact. And then suddenly it just rolled out my fingertips. It’s always interesting to sit behind my computer – I never quite know what’s going to fall out of my brain.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Snowing already??? God Help Us All. Last winter was horrid here in Detroit, the summer has been mostly in the 70s lows in 50s with very few intermittent real summer warmth. Ironically finally turned into summer the last week prior to today where it’s pouring rain. An abundance of that all summer in-fact FLOODS. Never saw all the Detroit freeways so flooded this year. Today will not help.

    So sorry about your early blast of snow, just keep it your way Dianne. They are predicting an even worst winter than last as if the last wasn’t bad enough. I’m already depressed. I feel for you.

    BTW: eyes still right right, medical tested out and had a tooth pulled last saturday. I’m afraid to ask what next, do not want to know unless it’s good.

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  10. After the white gift you just received, I don’t blame you for turning on Autumn. I still love him, however, as long as he behaves and does a gradual temperature drop until winter. We shall see how well he behaves in my neck of the woods this year. He’s failed miserably in yours.

    Like

  11. Quit holding back, Diane. Go on. Tell us how you *really* feel! 🙂

    It’s 88 here now, on its way up to 99 this afternoon. A veritable cold spell compared to the 105 or so it has been. We’ve got a shot at some rain in a day or two, but we are still almost 18 inches short for the last three years. I don’t really follow those stats, they’re too depressing. We have lakes around here that are not even mud holes any more. Just cracked earth. Look on the long-term drought map, and we’re in the dark red part. The DARK red part.

    I’m sorry for your loss, but living twenty feet south of the Arctic Circle simply has to carry some risks with it, does it not? 🙂

    Thanks for posting the pictures, though. I think the temperature in my office dropped about five degrees F. I’ll show them to my trees this afternoon. They’ll get a kick out of ’em. 🙂

    And you have a lovely home.

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    • Hey, I resemble that remark! We’re at least twenty-five feet from the Arctic Circle! But I do feel better about the snow now – I’d rather have it than terrible drought like yours. At least I know the snow will melt and leave moisture behind. Be nice to your trees, though – the shock might kill them.

      And thank you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • We’ve been on water restrictions for three years now, and the local population has increased by fifty percent in the last six years. Interesting times, these. 🙂

        Like

        • And finally got around to figuring out the Gravatar image thing! That’s me evolving into a natural platinum blonde. And that’s a kitten painted on my cheek. Happened at younger grandson’s sixth birthday party a couple of years ago while I wasn’t looking. 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

          • Good job with the Gravatar! And I like your bio, too. Gee; welder, machinist, and metal fabricator… ever do any automotive work? Hubby and I have always dreamed of building a car from the ground up. I’ve got my dad’s old stick-welder, but the last thing I welded with it was rebar, and that was a few decades ago. I just might need a wee bit of practice before I’m ready to tackle chassis work. And sheet metal? Bzzzt, wrong answer.

            P.S. The kitten is cute, but I think it may jeopardize your membership in the Curmudgeon’s Club. 😉

            Liked by 1 person

  12. rebelflairsnowbird

    Hi Diane,
    I know how you feel. I’m always sorry to see the summer go because it means 9 months of waiting for warm weather again! Maybe it’s character building. Those people I know who say Fall is their favorite season mustn’t realize that what comes next isn’t so much fun unless you can go far south for the duration! Your garden must have been beautiful since the cut flowers are so gorgeous. I love gardening and have been at is since I was 8 or so. My garden looks pretty darn good after only 1 year in this new house. Will send you a photo.

    Currently we have been blessed with an Indian Summer with warm days and cooler nights through the weekend. Next week is anybody’s guess. In the past we have had killing frosts as early as Sept. 5–that’s just rude!

    I read your newest Never Say Spy book as soon as it came out. Devoured it so fast that I think it needs to be re-read during the winter when it’s time for me to put the knitting needles down.

    As always, it is a pleasure to hear what you’re up to……sounds much more exciting than my life so keep it coming!
    thanks,
    Peggi

    Like

    • Hi Peggi – Nice to hear from you! I’m glad you enjoyed Spy Now, Pay Later – I hope it holds up to second reading.

      Enjoy your Indian Summer for me. We had one last year – no frost until nearly October, which is practically unheard-of, but I guess we’re paying for it this year. I bet your garden is just beautiful! 🙂

      Like

  13. Aah the joys of late summer in Calgary

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  14. Snowpocalypse! That covers it perfectly.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I feel your pain … It’s technically not even Fall yet, so with winter in the full-on mode in Calgary, your Fall will technically be “NOT” … May the Chinooks come in a warm your cockles (whatever they are) and give you your Fall back!

    Like

  16. moondance4me

    Awww. Everything about that post makes me feel good. Your home is lovely, your garden is superb and even the snow is as it should be……for me. Someone else’s problem! After living in Kansas as a little child, and a horrible Winter in Colorado as an adult I can fully appreciate the beauty of snow, on a post card or pictures from someone else. Bless your heart, but it’s all yours darlin’. I woke up to 85 degree heat and only the promise of rain later on today. Ah well, I will survive. *sniff*.

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    • LOL! I’m glad the snow is bringing some joy with it! I actually don’t mind snow… in the proper season. But with the leaves still on the trees it’s a disaster – I’m getting my workout today waving a 30-foot pole smacking the branches to knock some of the snow off before we lose all our trees. Oh well… guess I won’t have to go to the gym today… 😉

      Like

      • moondance4me

        Lol! I don’t have a lot of room to rejoice about this weather. For this Season and into the next we have to constantly watch the storms forming ‘specially in the Atlantic. With the heat we have the humidity and mosquitoes along with all the weird slithery things that come up out of the rivers and swamp areas around here. Occasionally we get an ice storm and that’s alway cool. HA! (till the power goes out) It’s like an ice palace around here for a bit. At least you have definite seasons. We get a hint of the nice ones, Fall and Spring. Your flowers were a beautiful tribute to Summer tho’. Stay warm, safe and your typing fingers in good shape. hint,hint.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Yes, humidity and mosquitoes are two of the biggest reasons why I don’t want to move back to Manitoba where I grew up. I don’t envy you those in the least!

          And my typing fingers are itching for a good workout – tomorrow is blocked off as a ‘writing day’ and I can hardly wait! 😀

          Liked by 1 person

  17. I am glad I do not live where you live.

    Like

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