This Poop Requires Cultured Decoding

Yes, it’s that time again!  I’ve mined the rich vein of entertainment that is my blog spam.

Earlier I noted that my spam seemed to be getting more hostile, but fortunately that trend has flatlined.  Maybe they read my blog post and took my jibes to heart?

Nah, I know.  Spammers never actually read anything, as this one admits:  “I like to party, not look artilecs up online. You made it happen.”  – Glad I could be of service, though it’s unclear whether I influenced his/her propensity for partying or looking up artilecs.  But at least I’m good for something.

This spammer agrees:  “Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you! However, how could we communicate?”  – All I can say is ‘How indeed?’

But it’s nice that they want to keep in touch.  This spammer did, too:  “Would you be fascinated by exchanging hyperlinks?”  – Well, “fascinated” wouldn’t be my exact word…

But they’re encouraging:  “If you keep up the great work I’ll visit your weblog again.”  – Am I the only one who spots the logic problem here?  How will they know if I’m keeping up the great work unless they visit again?  What if they visit and I’m just spewing useless crap?  (Well, more useless crap than usual.)  Have they found a way to retroactively un-visit my blog?  If they have, I hope they share, ‘cause there are a few experiences and visuals I’d love to be able to un-visit.

Like this one:  “When you change the timing belt, dressed in pink with a pink Hermes leather on the playground…”  – Wait, you guys have been spying on me, haven’t you?  I knew I should have worn my black leather the last time I changed my timing belt.  Pink shows the grease so badly.

And here’s more proof that I’m under surveillance:  “You look absolutely stunning with your natural hair!”  – Remind me to save my unnatural hair for Halloween and full moons.

Sometimes my spammers wax informative:  “Not we are all born with a backbone but you can turn just one in”.  – Good news for the spineless wimps of the world.

And speaking of good news, “The good news is, bonobos”.  – Well, thank heaven!  Without that knowledge, I just don’t know if I could have gone on.

But there’s more good news:  “I have read so many articles or reviews on the topic of the blogger lovers…”  – Wait, blogger lovers?!?  We get groupies?  Why haven’t I heard about this before?  And where are mine?  Please don’t tell me I’ve been missing out on major groupie action.  I mean, seriously, we all know bloggers are the rock stars of the internet… um, the sex symbols of cyberspace… um… eh, never mind.

Some spammers look up to me as a valuable source of advice:  “What Happens To A Boy If She Takes Viagra?” –  Erm… I think we may have to start with the basics here.  You see, there’s this thing called “gender”.  Boys are “he”…

Which leads nicely into a discussion of the birds and the bees:  “Your individual stuffs nice. All the time deal with it up!”  – At least I think they’re referring to the birds and the bees.  It certainly sounds suggestive.

But it’s hard to be sure.  After all, as my latest visitor sagely observed, “This poop requires cultured decoding.”

And ain’t that the truth?

25 Comments

Filed under Humour, Writing

25 responses to “This Poop Requires Cultured Decoding

  1. Jimbo

    On our way down #13 south Elm Creek, we waved to your Dad. Lots of good thoughts.Were did that vet go?

    Like

  2. You make spam look like fun. I don’t really get that much, so thanks for sharing 😉

    Like

    • Spam is actually a lot of fun – because WordPress does such a good job of filtering it out for me. If it was actually getting through, it would be a major annoyance, but since it’s all nicely confined to a spam folder I get a kick out of reading through it every now and then!

      Like

  3. In the words of one of my best spammers:

    “Koborowie karmiono obficie wystepuja jedynie podejrzana sprawa stala nie odnotowywano wiekszego komplementu z wytworzeniem.”

    I think it means: “Your blog is awesome but needs more cabbage.”

    Like

  4. Jimbo

    Are you Wingroveing this year?

    Like

  5. Maybe bonobos are the reason the poop needs decoding?

    Like

  6. Engrish; how she are spoke.

    Like

  7. Hi!! I’m back and doing the catch up thing. Just wanted to say that I think I turned a shade of green (with envy..in case you thought it was the green for the other reason….) with your amazingly cool (and might I say uhmm interesting) spam messages! I wasn’t some of those too!!!!

    Like

  8. Diann Merritt Morales

    I usually just delete spam. After reading this blog, I can see I’ve been missing a rich source for amusement. Henceforth, I will start reading them. I’ll have to make a note of the more interesting ones. 😉

    Like

  9. “You look absolutely stunning with your natural hair!”—I think that one might be the most frightening spam of all. If you start getting spam telling you what you ate for breakfast and describing your sweater in detail, be afraid. Be very afraid…

    Like

  10. Linda Grimes

    Your informative post fascinates me upward like bonobos. The bad news is, chimpanzees.

    Like

  11. bigsheepcommunications

    Can I get some more info on the whole retroactive un-visiting thing?

    Like

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