That’s it. My husband knows me too well. Either I’ll have to develop an entirely new personality, or give him a good sharp rap on the head with one of our many hammers so he forgets a few of my fundamental traits.
This weekend, I decided to do the spring tune-up on my car. Swap out my snow tires for all-seasons (yes, I used my click-type torque wrench to torque the wheel nuts to spec), do an oil change, top up fluids, inspect brakes and boots and belts for wear, all that sort of thing. And clean the car.
So I’m on my knees wielding the vacuum cleaner wand when Hubby pops his head into the garage. The following dialogue ensues:
Him: Oh, how nice of you to offer to vacuum my car!
Me: Yes, startlingly nice. In fact, unbelievably nice. *continues vacuuming her own car*
Him: How much do you charge?
Me: More than you can afford.
Him: Do you take credit?
Me: In God we trust. Everybody else pays cash.
I won’t bore you with the entire exchange, but in the end, I kindly offered to leave the vacuum out so it would be handy for him to vacuum his own car. Lest you think I’m a cruel and heartless wife, I’d like to mention that I did, in fact, have a nice dinner cooking in the oven at the time. I do try to treat him reasonably well.
Anyway, I finished up by washing my car and polishing its glass inside and out before I returned to the kitchen to finish making dinner.
The very next day, we went for a drive in his car. About a block away from our house, he said casually, “Wow, this is the cleanest my car has been for a long time. Except for that strip of dust on the dash I couldn’t reach. And nobody cleaned the inside of the windshield.”
Then he leaned over and committed the most brilliantly diabolical act imaginable. He drew his fingertip through the dust on the inside of the windshield in a criss-cross pattern right in my line of sight.
I tried. I swear to God I tried.
I lasted for ten whole seconds before I caved.
And he looked over at me scrubbing the entire passenger side of the windshield clean, and he laughed.
I’ve been married to him for too long.