My mouth keeps me in trouble. As I mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes words fail to come out in any kind of useful or intelligible manner.
Other times, words come out of my mouth with mortifying clarity. To wit:
My step-mom has cordless phones in various parts of her house so she can easily pick up without having to make a mad dash when the phone rings. One day, some of the phones went dead, and I discovered one of her incoming lines had malfunctioned. I solved the problem temporarily by redistributing the base units and extra handsets to maintain coverage until the repairman arrived. The conversation went as follows:
Me: “I’m just going to move your master base unit…”
Me: “Please tell me I didn’t just say ‘masturbate’…”
But it doesn’t end there. At the pub a few months ago, I loudly and clearly informed the gang that “I take it from both ends”.
My friends do not have my step-mom’s restraint. A chorus of whoops, guffaws, and snorts greeted my announcement, and I was forced to wrap myself in the pitiful shreds of my dignity to explain that I was talking about getting ice cream out of a 2-litre carton as efficiently as possible: open one end, scoop it out to the halfway point, and then open the other end to finish it off.
Sadly, the effectiveness of the explanation was spoiled by the fact that nobody was listening anymore; they were too busy holding their sides and laughing.
My unfortunate affliction isn’t limited to verbal gaffes. I’ve left the house carrying a grocery list that specified “booze & pot”. No, not “pot” as in “cannabis”. I was getting ready for a party, and I needed to pick up some wine and a large pot for boiling lobster. I shredded that list, just in case somebody got the wrong idea.
Other readers of my lists might erroneously assume I’m a stage performer. One of my more recent scraps of paper read “taps & hat”. I don’t know how to tap-dance. And if I did, you wouldn’t want to see it. I meant “taps for the kitchen sink”, and the hat was a gift for my step-mom.
Most recently, I distinguished myself in conversation with a group of people I’d only known a short time. We were sitting around the kitchen table enjoying a quiet beer when I discovered one of the guys collected coins. Something was said about his coin collection, and I turned to him and innocently asked, “Oh, do you have a big one?”
Did I mention I didn’t know these people very well at the time?
Most people would have wisely shut up at that point, and let the innate good manners of the others force them to bite their tongues and pretend nothing untoward had been said.
Unfortunately, dignity and propriety have never been my strong suit. I burst out laughing and added, “Let me rephrase that…”
I guess they know me a little better now. Whether they wanted to or not.
Anybody else have an obstreperous tongue? Or do I just have the world’s dirtiest mind? Or both?