Tardis

Peek Into My Closet

/ Diane Henders / 89 Comments

A few months ago I mentioned I had run across a list of impromptu speech topics for kids.  It amused me, so I hung onto it for potential inspiration.  One of the topics that caught my eye was “What you would find in my closet”.  Prosaic, yes?  But the part that tickled my funnybone was the addendum:  “Make something up”.

Well.

Let’s have a peek into my imaginary closet, shall we?

First off, don’t step into that human-sized glass cylinder with the Google Maps interface displayed on the outside.  That’s my teleportation chamber, and it’ll send me anywhere on earth in the blink of an eye.  (And it gets me there and back intact, too, unlike the Galaxyquest version.)

Next to that is a safe containing several million dollars in untraceable cash.

Why are you looking at me like that?  Of course I’d never use my teleporter to pop into bank vaults in the dark of night!  I won that money fair and square with the lottery ticket that’s framed on the wall right over the vault.  Honest.

At the back is a TARDIS – not because I want to travel through time, but because it’s bigger on the inside.  One can never have too much closet space.

Inside the TARDIS is a giant toolbox full of high quality tools, all clean and organized and ready for use.  (And it’s got a Hubby-proof lock on it so the tools stay clean and organized and ready to use.)

There’s also a gourmet kitchen stocked with the latest tools and appliances, fresh delicious ingredients, and that all-important cooking gadget: a top-notch personal chef.  And a trap/skeet and rifle range; and a fully-equipped gym.

That’s where my flight of fancy ends, but I’m harbouring quite a few oddball items in reality, too.  If you can correctly guess which five items aren’t currently residing in my closet, I’ll write you into Book 12 in a cameo appearance!

  1. Umpteen pairs of jeans
  2. Bellydance scarves with jingly coins
  3. A bearskin rug
  4. A bag of cosmetics
  5. Books
  6. Suitcases
  7. A stuffed deer head
  8. A white cowboy hat decorated with pearls and silk flowers
  9. A stuffed rat
  10. A heart monitor
  11. Wax crayons
  12. A plastic flute
  13. A set of knives
  14. 4½” candy-apple red stiletto pumps
  15. A backpack
  16. Half a dozen waist pouches
  17. A luggage cart
  18. Pink cowboy boots
  19. Christmas cards
  20. A camera tripod
  21. Dusty business clothes
  22. A Frisbee
  23. 4½” leopard-print satin stiletto pumps
  24. A sequined evening gown
  25. A dead plant
  26. A soap dispenser
  27. Dust bunnies
  28. Boxing gloves
  29. Scented candles
  30. A clothes shaver

Which five of these things are not in my closet at the time of writing?  Make your guess before next Tuesday July 19th at midnight MDT!  And yes, I promise I’ll explain the presence of some of the strange items next week.

What’s in your imaginary closet?

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New discussion over at the Virtual Backyard Book Club:  How Do You Like That Setting?  Click here to have your say!

Blood Pressure And ShrinkyDinks

/ Diane Henders / 22 Comments

Every now and then I see things that tickle my funnybone.  Here are a few of the latest winners:

I found this sign beside a supermarket pharmacy.

I found this sign beside a supermarket pharmacy.

Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ve got more than enough blood pressure of my own after waiting in the interminable lineup.

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I think somebody needed to look at this a little more closely before they approved the decal.

I think somebody needed to look at this a little more closely before they approved the decal.

Is it just me, or does that say “Stop quality driving”?  I think their cause has been widely adopted in Calgary.  Ain’t no quality driving here.

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Saw this at the mall: “Elevator temporally out of order”

Saw this at the mall: “Elevator temporally out of order”

I guess it kept arriving before it left.  Or wait, is there a Tardis in there?  Ha, I knew Dr. Who would have to update his look eventually!

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This next photo confronted me on a news page.  (I added the discreet black box just for your sakes, my dear readers.  If you prefer the full monty, I’ll send you the unaltered version in a plain brown wrapper… for a price.  That’s called “monetizing your blog”.)

Just like the Sesame Street song, “One of these things is not like the others…”

Just like the Sesame Street song, “One of these things is not like the others…”

There was just so much about the first glance that made me laugh:

  1. It’s a staid and proper news site (note the seriousness of the other four items).  Business and finance, world politics.  And it had a gratuitous dick on it.  *snickers like a ten-year-old*
  2. When you look at it closely… (No, look at the background.  Stop trying to peek under the black box.) …there are several women standing around in dresses1.  How often do you see a guy hanging his junk out full spread-eagle in a public place?  Without getting arrested, I mean.
  3. It’s “Most Popular” and “Recommended”.  Guys, imagine the prestige of having your manhood voted “Most Popular”.  I don’t seem to recall that particular honour being bestowed in our graduating class – I think we just had a plain old valedictorian.  But ours was a little backwater school, so what did we know?
  4. And… just in case you didn’t realize what you were looking at, they labelled it.  In big red letters:  “The penis”.  Dang, I never would’ve figured that out on my own.  But then again, maybe they felt clarification was necessary.  Having seen the unaltered photo, I can only conclude that it must have been chilly that day.

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Or maybe their model had been using this product (which I found in the Michaels craft store, in case you’re looking for last-minute gift ideas):

I couldn’t even hold the camera still, I was laughing so hard.

I couldn’t even hold the camera still, I was laughing so hard.

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Would you buy ShrinkyDinks?  Who/what was voted “Most Popular” in your graduating class?  Am I the only one who snickered childishly at the misplaced dick pic?

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1The women were my first clue, triggering a vague recollection from my years of studying art history.  I didn’t recognize it at first glance but it’s actually a photo of a statue, which changes everything.  As we all know, marble dicks (regardless of inappropriate camera angles and cropping) are Art, and therefore Not To Be Sniggered At.  If I had known, I would’ve treated the subject with due respect.  Probably.

But it was still pretty funny that it popped up (*snicker*) on the news site after I’d snapped the ShrinkyDinks only days before.