popcorn

This Week’s Been A Gas!

/ Diane Henders / 68 Comments

We’re slowly settling into our new place, but, like the nocturnal swamp shuttle, there are still a few kinks to work out.  Y’know, little issues like sewer gas.

Sewer gas wafts into corners and creeps along floors and trickles down stairwells, making it nearly impossible to trace its origin.  So I was nosing through the house snuffling like a deranged bloodhound and muttering, “Dammit, I smell sewer gas!” while Hubby, who lacks my sensitive sniffer, thought I was going crazy(er).

I finally figured it out by posing myself a simple question:  “What’s the stupidest thing our homebuilder could have done?”

Yep, nailed it on my first try.  They had routed sewer vent lines up to the second floor for the future bathroom, left the lines uncapped, and then installed the plywood subfloor over top.  So the longer we used the septic system, the more the house reeked of decomposing shit.

It wasn’t a huge chore to saw open the floor and cap the lines, but the whole episode definitely impaired my sense of humour for a while.

Then again, my sense of humour is usually a little messed up:

Hubby, my evil enabler, bought us three big bags of Kernels popcorn.  While we were happily munching, we noticed that their plain popcorn looks like home-popped corn, while the caramel popcorn is puffed up into near-perfect spheres.  (And aren’t you impressed that I didn’t even make a dirty joke about chowing down on tasty balls?  Good Lord, I must be growing up.)

Anyhow, I wondered if caramel corn is actually a different variety of popcorn.  Turns out it’s not; but I got as far as “why is” in my Google search when their top four searches popped (sorry) up:

What?!?

It makes sense that a lot of people might wonder about the sky; and since I don’t have kids I can’t knowledgeably dispute the importance of Caillou’s baldness.  But green poop is the third most common internet search?  Are that many people pushing out technicolor turds?

And I didn’t think the FBI showed up at people’s doors frequently enough to warrant fourth place; but even if they do, I wouldn’t have thought people’s reaction would be, “Oh, hang on, Mr. Cranky Gun-Toting Lawman.  I realize by the way you kicked down my door that you might be in a teensy bit of a hurry, but I just want to do an internet search before you drag me away…”

The next giggle happened when we were getting ready to configure my step-mom’s new FitBit.  I looked up the installation procedure, read the first step, and laughed.

Maybe I should kiss it first…

You’ve gotta love it when the first item on the configuration list sounds like a kinky sex act.

And speaking of dongles and related words, I ran across this vintage game in a little store:

From a more innocent time…

I probably wouldn’t have snickered quite so much if I hadn’t just researched gender reassignment surgery (don’t ask why; you know how my internet searches tend to go down oddball rabbit holes).  I discovered that they usually use a skin graft from the forearm to construct a new penis, and one of the potential complications is ‘hairy urethra’.  So you really can end up with a wooly willy…

Okay, I’ll stop now.

How’s it hanging for you this week?

Crack Popcorn

/ Diane Henders / 46 Comments

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been married to my husband for too long.  He knows all my weak spots.

A couple of nights ago at supper, he asked if I wanted to watch an episode of Castle that evening.  I almost never watch TV, but occasionally he suggests a show he thinks I’ll like, and I’ll watch a few episodes with him.  I’ve seen quite a few episodes of Castle over the years, so I knew I’d be entertained.

But I was busy (as usual), and I just don’t enjoy watching TV that much.  So I offered a noncommittal response and retreated to my office to commune with my computer.

A couple of hours later, he employed the most potent form of persuasion in his arsenal.

He made popcorn.

There are a few scents I’m reasonably certain would raise me from my deathbed.  Popcorn is one of them.  Hell, for popcorn, I’d come back from beyond the grave.

Needless to say, we watched the show.

I don’t know what it is about popcorn.  I can’t resist it.  Even the horrible super-salted petroleum-coated crap they sell in theatres draws me like a ball-bearing to a magnet.  I know it’s so salty my mouth will feel like the Sahara Desert the next day.  I know I won’t finish even the smallest bag.  I know that bag contains an entire day’s allotment of calories and enough saturated, hydrogenated, and/or trans fat to harden every artery I own.  But I have to buy it, and the first few mouthfuls are pure greasy heaven.

There must be pheromones in it.  Or crack.  Or something.

But I’m pretty sure it’s only a Pavlovian response.  I love the smell of popcorn because I anticipate the enjoyment of eating it.  I wouldn’t want to smell it all day long.

That got me thinking about scents I find completely irresistible, and it’s a very odd list.  Here the top ten things I’d happily smell for hours, in no particular order:

  1. Moist garden soil
  2. Leather
  3. Lilacs
  4. Sun-ripened strawberries
  5. Gun oil and/or gunpowder
  6. Balsam poplar
  7. Vinegar
  8. Engine oil and warm rubber
  9. Fresh-cut cedar or pine
  10. Line-dried sheets

Any of these scents will make me halt wherever I am, inhaling until my lungs are stretched to capacity.  If nobody’s looking, I’ll creep closer and closer, sniffing like a bloodhound on uppers and trying not to drool like one.  If I could find perfume that smelled like any of these things, I’d roll in it.

So perhaps it’s not coincidence that Hubby likes to garden, wears a leather jacket, brings me lilacs and fresh strawberries from the back yard, enjoys shooting and fireworks and camping and tinkering with cars, douses his french fries with vinegar, and owns two chainsaws.

Now if he’d just do the laundry and hang the sheets outside, he’d be perfect…

What scents do you find irresistible?

* * *

I’m celebrating the release of A Spy For A Spy!  If you happen to be in the Calgary area the evening of May 9, please stop by and see me at The Owl’s Nest Books & Gifts, 815A – 49 Avenue SW, Calgary, AB, Canada, between 5:30 and 8:00 PM.  We’ll have sips and nibbles, and I’ll be doing a short reading and Q&A session at 7:00.  Hope to see you there!