What The F…ish?!?

July 11, 2018July 11, 2018 / Diane Henders / 23 Comments

This week’s WTF?!? moment occurred when I ran across an article that mentioned fish pedicures.

Now, I pride myself on my ability to successfully distinguish a fish from a human in 9 out of 10 cases, via the simple observation that fish generally have no toes. So when I discovered that fish pedicures were apparently a “thing”, I was gobsmacked. I figured it must require extreme skill and outstanding manual dexterity (or perhaps some recreational pharmaceutical products) to locate and subsequently groom fish toes.

I was ’way off base, of course; but the reality is almost as worrisome: It seems that a ‘fish pedicure’ is actually done to human toes. The to-be-pedicured foot is submerged in a basin containing hungry carnivorous fish, which tidily nibble away all the dead skin.

My mature and well-thought-out response to this revelation was “EEEEEUWWWW!!!” immediately followed by, “There is NO F(ish)ING WAY I’d do that!” Which might actually be a sensible reaction, since it turns out that a woman lost all her toenails as a result of a fish pedicure. That doesn’t surprise me in the least. What amazes me is that anybody thought it was a good idea in the first place.

I mean, seriously: Hungry carnivorous fish. Human toes. What could possibly go wrong?

But maybe I’m just showing my plebeian roots. I grew up on a prairie farm, and in summer we swam in our backyard dugout. Leeches would attach themselves to any exposed skin and suck our blood if we stood still for even a few seconds; and just in case that’s not enough to give you nightmares, there was also some kind of water bug whose sadistic specialty was to get inside one’s bathing suit and inflict an agonizing bite on whatever they found there. (Remember, bathing suits cover all the tender bits. Just sayin’.)

I’ve mistrusted aquatic critters ever since; and now I have one more reason.

So the next fish that comes near me had better be sliced and served with a side of wasabi. Or pan-fried in butter; I’m not picky as long my teeth are sinking into the fish and not the other way around.

Brrr! *dons steel-toed boots, just in case*

Book 14 update: I’m already on Chapter 3, woohoo! And I just wrote a scene that may turn me off Gummi Bears forever. Such are the hazards of living inside my brain. *sigh*

Me And The Boys

July 4, 2018July 4, 2018 / Diane Henders / 24 Comments

I’ve probably mentioned that we’ve planted several fruit trees here at our new place… or, more accurately, fruit twigs. They’re not really big enough to be called “trees” yet.

So imagine my surprise when I spotted something on our peach twig. Then imagine my laughter when I realized the “something” was actually two small fuzzy spheres cuddled together on one tiny branch. I’ve always had a bad habit of assigning gender to inanimate objects, but in this case I can say unequivocally “It’s a boy!”

And while we’re in that… *ahem* …area, here’s some news in brief (sorry, couldn’t resist): Apparently a researcher in the States is seeking over 3600 photos of men’s penises in order to determine whether Size Does Matter to a guy’s social and psychological makeup. If you’re an investor, now might be a good time to buy shares in Photoshop. I predict a firming trend in their stock, perhaps even a dramatic rise.

I dunno; I’m no expert, but it seems to me that if you’re looking for meaningful insights into male psychology you might not want to draw all your study data from the subset of ‘Guys Who Want To Send You Dick Pics’. But I notice the researcher looks a tad annoyed in the news photo, so she’s probably had more than enough razzing already. I’ll just let the topic, um… subside.

And…

According to my blogging buddy Tom Merriman and Charlie O’Shields from Doodlewash, July is #WorldWatercolorMonth. I’ve been envying Tom’s talent for quite a while now, so I’m happy to finally be able to join the fun. And hey, my watercolour subject even suits the theme of this post! (Okay, I’m reaching a bit; but still.) Anyhow, seventy-nine years ago, ‘it was a boy’ for Hubby’s Uncle Bert’s parents.

We were invited to the birthday party, and Bert’s only request was “No gifts, just homemade birthday cards”. He has led a fascinating life that includes many years of owning his own business driving trucks and operating heavy equipment. Bert had retired by the time I got to know him, but he still does odd jobs with his loader/backhoe. So my imagination took flight (so to speak):

What’s up in your world this week?

Pitch Fail

June 27, 2018June 27, 2018 / Diane Henders / 30 Comments

The phone rang, at suppertime as usual. Hubby and I both know what that means: Either it’s a telemarketer or it’s Hubby’s mother, who belongs to the generation that always called at mealtimes because there were no answering machines and you were more likely to catch somebody at home then.

We have call display, so we knew it wasn’t Mum. But we also have some new acquaintances whose numbers we don’t know at a glance, so I picked up.

Before I could even utter the second syllable of “Hello”, the world’s most obnoxious voice interrupted: “Hi! I’m Bob Shit-For-Brains (I admit I might have made up his last name), and I’m calling on behalf of the Society of-”

I hung up.

We’re in the Do-Not-Call registry, but nothing stops the idiot telemarketers.

I hate telemarketing companies; but I feel sorry for the poor employees who actually have to make the calls. If our caller had been a real human being, I would have at least stayed on the line long enough to politely say, “Not interested”; but it was a recording, so I felt zero guilt about my abrupt disconnect.

(Well, okay; not zero. I’m Canadian, so I did feel a teensy bit guilty even being rude to an obnoxious recording. Sad, but true.)

But I wonder: Who in their right mind would hire a voice actor who sounds like a cheesy good-ole-boy used car salesman? Even if I might have been interested in their society, that voice killed any chance of me listening to their pitch.

But maybe it was the International Society of Cheesy Used Car Salesmen calling. If they were doing a recruiting drive, then their choice of voice actor was a brilliant way to qualify their respondents… unless even cheesy used car salesmen can’t stand the sound of their own voices. That would explain a lot.

What’s your favourite solution to automated telemarketers? I like the idea of getting an autodialler of my own and setting it to call their company’s CEO at home, every ten minutes for the next five years…

Thank you to everyone who voted in my poll last week! I’m a creature of habit so I’ll probably continue posting on Wednesdays, but apparently I can stop obsessing about word count and schedules. 🙂 (To see the responses, click on the “View Results” link at the bottom of last week’s poll.)

Carmageddon Is Coming

June 13, 2018June 13, 2018 / Diane Henders / 27 Comments

I’ve mentioned on several occasions how much I hate renting cars, so you can imagine how pleased I was (not!) to belly up to the rental car counter again last weekend.

My life seems to flip-flop between Murphyesque fiascos and windfalls of ridiculously good luck; so I fully expected our car-rental experience to be either excellent or excrable, with no chance of middle ground.

My heart sank at the first words out of the agent’s mouth: “We don’t have the full-size sedan you booked…”

I braced myself for the inevitable shit landslide.

But no; the agent went on to say that they’d give us a free upgrade to an SUV or mini-van instead.

“No mini-vans,” I said.

“You can go and look at the vehicles and choose the one you want,” he replied. “Just check with the agent on the lot.”

So we did. The lot agent confirmed that they had a Kia Sportage or a mini-van available.

“No mini-vans,” I said.

“Let’s just go and have a look,” he said.

The shiny red Sportage was brand new with a leather interior and only 78 kilometres on the odometer. The driver’s seat was comfortable. Perfect.

“Let’s look at the mini-van now,” the agent encouraged.

“No mini-vans,” I said.

“It’s fully loaded. Let’s just go and look at it,” he cajoled. “You’ll love it.”

“No mini-vans,” I muttered. But he wouldn’t give up, so I followed him around the corner.

He hadn’t lied; the mini-van was loaded. Leather interior, remote start, power everything… and approximately the size of the RMS Titanic.

I did not love it.

“NO… MINI-VANS!” I repeated loudly and firmly.

The agent gave me an incredulous look. Because seriously, who in their right mind would want to zip along in a sporty red SUV when they could be wallowing down the highway in a land yacht designed to accommodate seven full-grown adults along with enough luggage to outfit an entire expeditionary force?

But at last the agent reluctantly handed over the keys for the Sportage. And life was good.

Until…

We were at my niece’s wedding reception when my brother-in-law’s phone pinged. “Uh-oh,” he said, and showed us the screen. There was a severe weather warning: Lightning, thunder, torrential rain, hail, tornadoes, and a 60% chance of the biblical apocalypse.

Our shiny new rental car quivered under the darkening sky. I quivered, too. We had insured the Sportage under our regular auto policy, and I really didn’t want to make a claim for total vehicular annihilation.

The sky turned as black as night and the heavens split open. The wind howled. The power failed. When the rain wasn’t blowing completely sideways, it bucketed down so hard it bounced a foot up off the asphalt when it hit.

But not a single hailstone fell on the shiny new Sportage.

I found out later what a ridiculous stroke of good fortune that had been. A giant hay barn collapsed near Tilley; two semis blew off the TransCanada highway near Brooks; the entire city of Medicine Hat was without power for a couple of hours; loonie-sized hail pounded northeast Calgary; and tornadoes touched down outside of Edmonton.

But we were fine.

Which was wonderful; but I shudder to think what Murphy is saving up for the next time I rent a car. It’ll be Carmageddon for sure.

Maybe I’ll just stay home for the rest of my life…

Our Excellent Adventure

June 6, 2018June 6, 2018 / Diane Henders / 31 Comments

You know how some people have epic adventures cycling through Peru at nosebleed-inducing altitudes, hanging off mountain peaks, or braving primitive conditions in countries most people have never even heard of? (Sue Slaght, I’m looking at you.)

That’s not us. Although I love reading about Sue and Dave’s escapades from the safety and comfort of my armchair, Hubby and I prefer our adventures closer to home and with less potential for personal injury.

You’d think that would make for comfortably predictable trips; but sadly, that’s not the case. I’ve been marooned on an island, robbed twice, and lost in the wilderness with shotgun-toting locals closing in; and that’s all within the province of British Columbia. I won’t even get into our hotel disasters involving hookers, cows, rappelling nudists, and sticky dick prints.

Granted, none of the above episodes were as dangerous as they sound. The island stranding was just a mistimed ferry launch (although I still blame Hubby, since he was the one who drove onto the ferry without me). The robberies were from our vehicle; so despite the annoyance of losing tools, an expensive camera, and a dozen bottles of wine (that really hurt), there was no personal risk involved.

The lost-in-the-wilderness experience wasn’t overtly life-threatening either, although there were some tense moments:

According to our explorer’s map, there’s a teeny-tiny back road between the Okanagan Valley and Kelowna. So we tried it. (And Hubby still blames me for our failure, since I was navigating and we ended up on the wrong mountain. A good marriage is all about give and take: Give blame and take credit.)

Anyhow…

We drove… and drove. The road got steeper and narrower and gradually degenerated from gravel to largish rocks. Tall trees crowded us on both sides.

We drove some more. Slowly; since it seemed like a good idea to keep the wheels attached to the vehicle.

A half-ton roared up behind us and dogged our bumper, so we pulled over in a slightly wider part of the road to let him pass. He gave us a hostile glare as he went by, and we both swallowed hard at the sight of the shotgun hanging in his back window.

Then we realized that the road was widening at semi-regular intervals, allowing access to clearings displaying strikingly, um… verdant… foliage. That’s when we abandoned the attempt and retraced our route to the main highway, having no desire to get shot by some nutjob guarding his marijuana plantation.

So you can imagine our trepidation this weekend when we decided to search out Rhododendron Lake, a tiny body of water that boasts a rare stand of wild rhododendrons (R. macrophyllum). The only access is by private logging road; and you’re only allowed in on the few days when the logging company isn’t blasting. I was really hoping I’d gotten the navigation right this time.

Fortunately I did. Despite a rough road that brought back worrisome memories, our trip was free from firearms, explosives, or questionable flora. The lake was a placid silvery pool, and although we met people coming and going on the short hike, we had the whole lake to ourselves while we were there. And the rhodos were in full bloom – spectacular!

And best of all, we were home in time for dinner. Now that’s my kind of adventure!

Rhododendrons growing wild in the woods.

It’s hard to believe they’re wild!

More rhodos all through the woods.

Rhododendron Lake

Rhododendron Lake is only about 10 km off the main highway between Parksville and Nanaimo; but it’s a slow drive on a rough road. (Click on map to enlarge.)

P.S. Book 13, “Once Burned, Twice Spy” has finally made it safely through the release process and is available from all retailers, hooray! I’ll be starting Book 14 soon, so stay tuned to the Books page for progress reports. 🙂

I’m Gonna Need A Forklift…

May 30, 2018May 30, 2018 / Diane Henders / 21 Comments

After the past several weeks of feverish work and stress-filled wrangling to get Book 13 safely into the retailers’ systems, my brain is completely empty. Usually there are a few screwball thoughts floating around in there, but this week? Nada. Not even the sound of crickets.

(Although the sound of crickets would be worrisome, considering that I recently read a news article about a woman who had a cockroach take up residence inside her ear, BLEAH!)

Anyway, I had nothing but the whistle of wind between my ears, so I consulted a site that offered random writing prompts. And I got this: Write a post about anything you’d like, but be sure to include this sentence somewhere in the final paragraph: “He tried to hit me with a forklift!”

Something about that prompt burrowed into my brain like a… ech, never mind.

I know randomness was the whole point of the exercise, but nevertheless my mind rebelled. Why hit someone with a forklift when there are so many more entertaining weapons? A dead fish, for example. A cauliflower. A rainbow-coloured My Little Pony riding crop with marabou feathers on its… oh, wait. Is that a little too creepily specific?

*ahem*

Moving right along…

How could I write a post about “anything I like” and somehow include a forklift? I like music and ice cream and rare steaks and art and cold beer and gardens and a host of other things. Excavators are fun. Ditto highway tractors. But forklifts? Meh.

I considered spinning some flash-fiction: Who was this guy and why would he try to hit me with a forklift? Was he a wack-job smushing innocent people for fun? Or had I done something to deserve smushing? And why was I hanging around a forklift anyway?

Unfortunately, creating flash fiction requires brainpower; and I was fresh out of that. (Not to mention, you already know the punchline.)

When I searched for “funny forklift” on the internet I found a disturbing number of forklift fails, but they were more cringe-worthy than amusing.

I tried to come up with some bad puns: A fork lift; as in an elevator for forks? A fork-lift, as in lifting a fork? I even tried and failed to figure out some kind of filthy double entendre about getting forked. It’s a sad day when I can’t even come up with a dirty joke.

So… I didn’t get hit by a forklift this week (which is good); nor did I get hit with inspiration (not so good). I hope I’ll be able haul my brain out of its swamp of exhaustion soon.

But I think I’m gonna need a forklift…

Help me out here: Anybody know a good forklift joke?

* * *

P.S. Book 13 is available for pre-order at all retailers AT LAST, woohoo! Click here for purchasing links

Leading You Down The Garden Path

May 23, 2018May 23, 2018 / Diane Henders / 28 Comments

It’s gardening season, woohoo!

If you’ve ever been to a garden centre, you’ll know why the expression “leading you down the garden path” means “deceiving you”. I’ve been sucked in by their euphemisms more times than I can count, so today I’m going to translate some common plant-sales wording for the benefit of less jaded experienced gardeners:

“This vigorous plant will thrive anywhere”: This innocent-looking scrap of greenery is a monster poised to attack. As soon as you place it in the ground, it will shoot twelve-foot-long roots in all directions and new plants will spring from every inch of the roots. If you attempt to pull it out, every tiny segment of remaining root will form a new mother plant with its own set of twelve-foot-long roots and plague of invasive children.

“This delightful woodland favourite prefers dappled shade and moist well-drained humus-rich soil”: It’ll die no matter where you put it.

“Easy to grow”: …If you’re a master gardener.

“Plant these seeds as soon as soil can be worked in spring”: …But they won’t actually grow then. This is just a clever way to make you buy a second $5.95 packet of seeds after the first batch rots in the cold soggy soil.

“These seeds require light to germinate”: These seeds won’t germinate. Ever.

“Attracts birds to your garden”: Cut off its flowers the instant they fade, otherwise it’ll spew out so many seeds you’ll spend the rest of your life weeding.

“Drought-tolerant”: …As long as your definition of ‘drought’ is “an inch of rain per week”.

“Will even grow in dry shady trouble spots”: Yes, it will. But it’ll send out tendrils to scout for better conditions, and when it finds them… see “This vigorous plant…” above.

“Requires support”: It’s a pathetic weedy vine.

“Requires a sturdy trellis”: It’ll leap out of the ground like Jack’s beanstalk and within weeks will thicken to a woody rope that scrambles up the trellis and onto the neighbouring tree, where it will subsequently crush the trellis to dust and strangle the tree. If the trellis is attached to your house, you’d better sleep with an axe under your pillow and ten gallons of weed killer beside your bed.

“Blooms from May to September”: Theoretically, ten minutes in July is within the range of ‘May to September’.

“Non-invasive”: …If you live in the arctic.

“Forms a neat mounded clump”: …In June. By August it’s a mess of leggy stems flopped over in all directions.

“Semi-evergreen”: Completely deciduous except for one ugly leaf that clings to the stem all winter like dirty underwear tied to a flagpole.

“Evergreen”: Mottled olive-drab is technically a shade of green.

“Hardy once established”: It’ll probably live, if it doesn’t die first.

“Fast-growing”: Don’t lean over it while you’re planting unless you want to be impaled by the branches shooting skyward. And you might as well buy a chainsaw right now, ’cause you’re gonna need it.

“Slow-growing”: If you’re over the age of two, don’t bother planting it. You won’t live long enough to see it reach its mature height.

“Hardy to Zone x”: Make that “Zone x, minus 1 or 2”.

“Gardening is an inexpensive and relaxing hobby”: I’ve got some swampland to sell you…

Chime in, gardeners! What’s the best gardening euphemism you’ve heard?

P.S. Still no word from Amazon about why the pre-orders for Book 13 didn’t show up on Amazon Canada, UK, Australia, or any other marketplace except the U.S. They promised to get back to me today, so… fingers crossed…

Geek-Speak

May 16, 2018May 16, 2018 / Diane Henders / 34 Comments

I’ve been a geek all my life.

I’d like to clarify that I’m referring to the current definition of ‘geek’, as in “a socially awkward oddball who thinks too much”; not “a sideshow performer who bites the head off live chickens” (which was what the word meant when I was young).

I have never bitten, and with any luck will never bite, the head off a live animal of any sort. Chocolate animals? Oh hell yes! Cooked animals? Maybe… though I’d likely use a knife or cleaver or some other suitable implement instead of my teeth…

Oops.

There I go again. Over-thinking. Over-clarifying.

Even as a child, I couldn’t grasp why people didn’t simply say what they meant. When the teacher asked, “Does anyone know the answer?”, I never understood why she apparently stopped being able to see my wildly-waving hand after I’d answered the first few questions correctly.

When the other girls assured me, “Of course we’re still friends!” and then never spoke to me again, I just… didn’t get it. There’s something to be said for being completely oblivious to social cues. I thought I had lots of friends, and it was sheer coincidence that I never got invited to anything.

The rest of the world doesn’t understand that geeks take words at face value. A classic geek joke goes like this: A software engineer was found dead of starvation in his shower. Preliminary investigation suggests that he was following the instructions on the shampoo bottle: “Lather, rinse, repeat.”

This joke is funny and sad on two levels: 1) You have to be a bit of geek to get it; and 2) If you are a bit of a geek, there’s probably some small part of you that’s thinking, “You know, that makes perfect sense…”

Another diabolical geek trap is the phrase casually bandied about by normal human beings: “Suggestions are welcome”.

Hint for the geeks in the audience: No. No, they’re not. One suggestion is welcome. Maybe two, tops. If it’s your personal responsibility to resolve the issues, you might be allowed three suggestions. Presenting twenty pages of closely-spaced bullet points will only end in annoyance for you when you realize that your listeners’ eyes glazed over after the first two points and their minds are now fully occupied by desperate escape plans.

Another hint for geeks: If your listener is gripping a letter opener with whitening knuckles, it’s time for you to leave. Lingering to make sure they grasped the subtle nuances of item 20.1.5.3(b) will only result in bloodshed; and that gets awkward for everybody. For one thing, stab wounds hurt. For another, if your listener decides to commit hara-kiri instead of attacking you, it’s very difficult to explain to the police. (Don’t ask how I know these things.)

Anyway, after 50-odd… okay; very odd years, I honestly thought I had this stuff all figured out. (Note: All geeks think this. They’re always wrong.)

But then I went for physiotherapy a few years ago. The physiotherapist said, “Keep your legs straight and touch your toes.” So I did. It hurt like a bitch. But she hadn’t said, “… and tell me if it hurts”, so I didn’t mention it. I threw away a lot of money on physiotherapy before I grasped that little detail.

But I’ve got it all figured out now. Really, I do…

* * *

P.S. Book 13, “Once Burned, Twice Spy” is now available for pre-order at all retailers (click here for links)… except, for some unknown reason, the Amazon international sites. Amazon.com is up, but none of the other countries are showing the listing. Grrr! I’ve submitted a trouble ticket to Amazon and hope to have the problem resolved shortly. To everyone who received the pre-order announcement and can’t buy from the Amazon of their choice: I’m sorry about this. I’ll send an updated announcement as soon as the pre-orders are up in all countries.

Some News Is Good News

May 9, 2018May 11, 2018 / Diane Henders / 48 Comments

The phrase ‘no news is good news’ has always seemed ambiguous to me. I’m never quite sure whether it’s supposed to mean ‘if you don’t hear anything, everything’s going well’; or ‘there’s no good news at all’.

I have a guilty confession: I hate reading the news. Because… there’s no good news. I’d rather avoid it and pretend everything’s going well in the world. But out of some misguided sense of civic duty, I do skim the headlines regularly; and Hubby (who is a newshound by nature) has strict instructions to let me know if we’re going to get annihilated by a rogue meteor… again.

But by the time I finish reading the news, I feel like the Vogons after Marvin zaps them with the empathy gun: “I feel so depressed… Oh, what’s the point…?”

So this week I’m concentrating on good news:

Spring is truly here and the birdies are in fine form around our yard: Swallows swooping and cheeping, eagles soaring high, colourful red-shafted flickers probing for bugs, mourning doves cooing, robins chirping, hummingbirds buzzing and squeaking, and red-headed woodpeckers hammering out their messages on the trees. And more good news:

The sun is shining! (And that’s not snow in the background; it’s a tarp covering our manure pile.)

My apple twig is in full bloom (it’s too small to be called a “tree” yet)

The last of the tulips are putting on a show

Our deciduous azalea, R. luteum “Golden Comet” is only 18″ tall but it’s still beautiful and fragrant.

And…

Book 13 cover art is done! The release date will be June 5, 2018, and pre-orders should be available sometime within the next week.

If you want to receive an email with links when the pre-orders are live, please click here to sign up for my New Book Notification list. As soon as I have all the information I’ll update my Books and Where To Buy pages, too, so stay tuned!

Escorting Canada’s top weapons developers to an international summit should be just another stressful day in the life of secret agent Aydan Kelly. But Aydan’s routine mission becomes a nightmare when she’s accused of an attack on the delegates and the theft of a classified weapon.

As evidence mounts against her, Aydan’s own investigation suggests she might have unconsciously committed the crime. Burned by her own Department and hunted by MI6, CIA, and FBI, Aydan must decide: When her own mind might betray her, who can she trust?

Flowers And Festivities

May 2, 2018May 2, 2018 / Diane Henders / 38 Comments

It’s FINISHED! Woohooo!!!

I wrote “The End” on Book 13 this week, and I hope to have a title and cover soon. And wow, did it ever turn out to be a long book! Now let the editing begin…

My brain is temporarily drained of words, so for this week’s post I decided to ‘say it with flowers’. These are photos from our garden and from Milner Gardens and Woodland, where the rhododendrons, camellias, azaleas, and magnolias are putting on a show.

Happy spring!