colonoscopy

I’m Older Than I Thought

/ Diane Henders / 35 Comments

I’m finally back in the blogosphere again! My summer was… interesting. I intended to post quite a while ago, and then shit happened. Literally: My FIT came back positive.

FIT stands for Fecal Immunochemical Test, that highly enjoyable exercise in which you have to collect a (euphemistically-named) “stool sample” and have it analyzed for possible cancer markers. I don’t know why they bother using FIT for the acronym. SHIT would be far more appropriate: It describes both the process and the patient’s reaction to salvaging a turd and attempting to “sample” it using the tiny plastic stick provided.

Fortunately, I don’t have cancer. But even though this story has a happy ending, my “end” was downright disgruntled. Because: colonoscopy.

The prep was as usual, and that’s all I’m going to say. If you’ve never done a colonoscopy prep, you don’t want to know; and if you have, you probably don’t want to remember. (But if you really want details, comedian Billy Connolly describes it best: https://vimeo.com/24340828).

Last time I had a colonoscopy it was in combination with an upper GI scope, and conscious sedation was mandatory. As I mentioned back then, the sedation experience creeped me out because I had no idea what my unfiltered mouth might have said during the procedure. This time sedation was optional, so I opted out.

It was a slightly unpleasant and very weird experience. The unpleasantness didn’t surprise me – I wasn’t expecting to enjoy having nearly five feet of colonoscope shoved up where the sun don’t shine.

(Side note: Did you know that colonoscopes have depth gauges on them? I cracked up when I saw it marked off in feet and inches. I kept expecting the doctor to growl, “Aaarr, matey, sound me the depth of this asshole!”)

Anyhow, what I hadn’t expected was the weirdness (other than my own). While the doctor was snaking my drain, several people wandered in and out of the room for no apparent reason, which seemed very odd. Each time, one of the nurses hurriedly remarked, “She’s doing this without sedation.” Subtext: “She’s going to remember this, so don’t say anything inappropriate.” In each case, their response was to glance over at me and say, “Oh, hi.”

Since we were all being so friendly, I attempted a joke while my belly bulged and rippled as the scope navigated loops of intestine: “I feel like a character in Alien.”

*sound of crickets*

They were all too young to get the reference. Apparently there are now entire generations who haven’t been traumatized by chest-busting aliens.

Damn, I’m older than I thought.

Book 18 progress: Sadly, very little. We were bracketed by two different wildfires during the summer so I had the car packed and keys at hand in case we had to evacuate; my back has decided to add leg spasms to its delightful repertoire; and fighting for my disability benefits has been even more fun than wildfires, muscle spasms, and a colonoscopy combined. But I’m not giving up on poor jinxed Book 18! It WILL get done. (Just not this month.)

Butt Of The Joke

/ Diane Henders / 91 Comments

…Or maybe ‘joke of the butt’ would be a more appropriate title.  Yes, I had a colonoscopy last week, and an upper GI scope at the same time – I suspect they shook hands in the middle.  But at least the specialist was kind enough to reassure me that they did use different scopes in my butt and my mouth.  Small mercies.

I won’t get into the sordid details of the day-long preparation, partly because I don’t want to gross anybody out, but mostly because Billy Connolly has already gone there in graphic and hilarious detail and I could never compete:  https://vimeo.com/24340828

In any case, the prep didn’t bother me too much.  Mind you, I’m not saying I’d care to do it again in this lifetime, but for me the worst part was not consuming anything but clear fluids for an entire day.  I am not a happy camper when I’m hungry.

I wasn’t too worried about the procedure since I knew they would be giving me conscious sedation, and it worked – I don’t remember a thing between when they started the IV and when I became aware again in the recovery room.

And that creeped me out more than all the prep and procedure combined.

If I’d been fully anesthetized, I wouldn’t have worried; but when other patients returned from their procedures they were fully conscious and (apparently) coherent.  The guy in the bed across from me was acting completely normal – reading his chart and visiting with the nurse while she gave him the recovery-room fare of orange juice and cookies.

I don’t remember a thing until I had orange juice and cookies in my hand.  I don’t even remember the nurse handing them to me.  Suddenly, I was just… there.  Eating cookies.

Uh-oh.

I expend a lot of effort maintaining my verbal filters in public, and if I was sedated enough to eliminate those filters, there’s no telling what I might have said.

Probably something like, “Hey, Doc, if you’re gonna do that, you could at least kiss me first.”

Or I might have recited one (or several) of the classic lines overheard during colonoscopies:

  • “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
  • “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
  • “Can you hear me NOW?”
  • “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
  • “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
  • “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
  • “Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
  • “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
  • “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
  • “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

Worse, apparently you have to expel all the gas that they blow inside you, and I don’t remember doing that, either.  But I know far too many fart jokes and if my inhibitions were down, God only knows what I might have said.

They didn’t treat me any differently when they released me, so I’m hoping I kept my inappropriate sense of humour under control.

But I’ll never know whether I’m now the butt of their jokes…

* * *

New discussion over at the Virtual Backyard Book Club:  What do you think of Tom?  Click here to have your say!