Verbal Diarrhea

/ Diane Henders

The other day I witnessed what was either one of the more inconsiderate behaviours I’ve seen in a while; or possibly a diabolically brilliant business strategy. I’m still not sure which it was, but either way I had to struggle to hold in my inappropriate laughter. (Because if I had let out the full-on-snorting belly-laugh the situation deserved, it would have made me just as rude as the original perpetrators. Life is complicated. But funny!)

Anyway:

Hubby and I had decided to try one of the local Chinese restaurants, and they offered a buffet. Buffets are my kryptonite, because they’re so expensive I feel as though I should eat enough to get my money’s worth. (Which is probably why they’re so expensive, but chicken/egg; whatever.) Anyhow, I resigned myself to the inevitable pain of an overfull belly, and threw myself at the food.

As I returned to our table with my first dish (a cup of yummy hot-and-sour soup), I tuned into the conversation at the table next to us. I’m not normally an eavesdropper; but even though I didn’t want to listen, I had to. And so did everybody else in our part of the restaurant. This couple didn’t seem to grasp the concept of volume control.

And what was the focus of their animated discussion, you ask? Well, what else: Their dog’s diarrhea. Thank you ever-so-much for that detailed description of mucus, blood, and shit.

I’ve been blessed with an ultra-high squeamishness threshold, so my appetite was unaffected. In fact, I had to clamp my lips together to prevent myself from snickering. (Which was a noble sacrifice: Hot-and-sour soup is hostile to sinuses.)

After stifling my initial snort of hilarity, I did my best to ignore the clueless pair. I figured that, like the unfortunate dog’s affliction, this too would pass.

But I was so wrong.

For the whole hour we were in the restaurant, their too-loud conversation never varied. It was funny initially, but then it just got weird. And as the weirdness registered with me, I started wondering why two people would discuss doggy diarrhea for an hour, ever; but especially while eating in public.

That’s when the giggles returned with a vengeance, because the only reason I could imagine was that they’d been hired by the restaurant owners to make buffet patrons lose their appetites. (I told you it was diabolical.)

I guess we’ll never know, but I’m tempted to go back on another Saturday night to see whether the poop-obsessed pair are there again.

But I’d better not. If they were performing again, I’d probably abandon what little maturity I possess and try to out-gross them. I’m pretty sure I could. At a long-ago party, I once recited a limerick so vile that grown men fled, leaving the beer keg behind. (I probably shouldn’t be proud of that.)

Anybody else overheard any *ahem* interesting conversations lately?

Book 18 update: So, you know how my laptop caught fire and I speculated that Book 18 was jinxed? Long story short: Yep, it’s jinxed. I’m still trying to get a new laptop set up.

Short story long:

After wasting an annoying amount of time shopping and deliberating, I bought a new laptop. I had it nearly set up and customized when I noticed heat building up in the case, right below where I rest my left hand when typing. A lot of heat. Too much heat to comfortably rest my hand there for more than a few minutes. Uh-oh. But I cautiously persisted… until the display started to vibrate and flash. DONE! Returned.

More shopping / deciding / ordering / unpacking / setting up the next candidate…

At which point Microsoft informed me that my MS Office had been activated too many times. Of course it had: The first laptop burned without giving me a chance to deactivate the software; and I was so annoyed with the overheating laptop that I didn’t think of deactivating the MS Office license before I wiped the machine and sent it back.

So now I have to decide whether to wrangle with Microsoft over license activations for ancient MS Office 2010 (a fool’s errand at best), risk file corruption by using a newer version of Office on my laptop while keeping the antique version on my PC, or spend an obscene amount of money for two licenses of the latest MS Office.

Or I could switch to LibreOffice, which is free but causes file corruption when saved repeatedly between MS Word and LO. (Sadly, I know this from personal experience.) So then I’d have to load LO on my PC, too; but I’d still need MS Office because I need Outlook to sync its calendar and contacts with my iPhone…

Argh!

29 thoughts on “Verbal Diarrhea”

    • Hi, EC! Thank you so much for your concern, and for checking on me. ❤️ The past few months have been overly busy, but everybody here is fine. I lost track of time and was shocked when I realized how long it had been since I’d posted or visited anyone else’s blog. I hope to have a new post up in the next few days, and then I’ll be around to catch up on your blog, too. Thanks again for dropping by! 🙂

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      • I just came here to see if I wasn’t getting blog notifications anymore, but nope…no posts. Very relieved to hear you and yours are OK!

        I’m way behind on my own blogs, and have to set aside time to catch up. Google is taking away their web Timeline feature, so I have to record all of my rally and road trip/travel/vacation experiences before I lose all that data. At my age, having all these memories in Timeline has helped me recall quite a bit, and losing that is going to be a major change in how I do things. (They’ll only be stored on individual devices, and only for a set number of months.)

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        • Hi Rudy – It’s nice to hear from you! Thanks for checking on me. I’ve finally managed to post again today, and hopefully I’ll be a bit more predictable in the future.

          Grrr to Google complicating your life! Funny; Hubby and I just had a similar conversation about several different applications/systems this morning, and we agreed that NOTHING works like it should anymore. (Okay, so we’re old farts and we have to say that stuff; but… just sayin’… grrrr!)

          Good luck with your blogs – I’ll keep an eye open for them! 🙂

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  2. As a dog mom, I probably have shared excessive amounts of detail about my dogs bowl movements hahaha oh well I never really thought about it until now. I did overhear a funny conversation last week. I was outside on a walk and I heard two of my neighbors talking about their experiences cleaning out their parent’s house. I guess one guy got a dumpster rental in Phoenix, AZ (their mom was quite the hoarder) to keep the project moving without one of the boys having to leave to the landfill and they found over 300 pairs of mismatched socks. Crazy!

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  3. My commment from two weeks ago disappeared into the ether. So I will try again. As a dog owner, discussing a dog’s bowl issues I can understand but loudly for an hour in a public restaurant, no. Debriefing follows ever walk. It is just normal concern for the dog’s health. Did he poop? Yes, one good one and one small runny one. Etc.

    Your new computer should have come with Windows 11 which I dearly love. Installing it on an old comuter, replacing Windows 10 is apparently a nightmare. Microsoft 365 or whatever they call it today, costs me $120 per year and is well worth it. I am notified about upgrades and patches.

    I hope by now you have it sorted out and Book 18 is well on its way. You have a dedicated fan base. I do wish Netflix would make a series of it. It would compete with Reacher.

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    • Thanks for the vote of confidence! I’m still shopping around the screenplay for Book 1, so you never know…

      I did get Windows 11 on the new laptop. So far it’s been working well, although it’s always a giant pain in the ass to turn off (or at least limit) all the spyware they build into it. I’ve just about got it tuned up now. But I still refuse to pay and pay for cloud software that used to be a one-time purchase. Plus, my versions of MS Word may be ancient, but at least I can use them without an internet connection. (Always a consideration in a place where we lose power frequently.)

      And I’m sorry the internet ate your original comment. I checked my spam folders, and I’m suspicious that there are “zero” comments in it. I’m pretty sure the spammers haven’t suddenly decided to give me a break, so that means WordPress probably did something iffy. I’m glad you got through this time!

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  4. I was practically laughing out loud just reading your description. An hour of diarrhea talk is a lot. I’m amazed no one said anything to them. It would indeed be a creative cost saving measure for the buffet. I wouldn’t have thought of that.

    Good luck with the laptop. Sounds like crappy luck. Couldn’t resist.

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    • Hahaha! Crappy luck indeed. Thanks for the chuckles! 🙂

      And the new laptop has been performing faultlessly, whew. I’m still getting used to the idea that I can scroll using the touchpad without getting thrown out of my document. What a concept! That old laptop really should have be replaced years ago.

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  5. Being such a visual thinker that I am (I truly see whatever is being talked about), I wouldn’t have lasted an hour…food or no food! Having said that, it did make me laugh as I visualized the situation with all of you eating while listening to their discussion! Side note: so sorry about your laptop issues…..that would drive me crazy!!

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    • Thanks, Kirt! Fortunately, I was crazy to begin with, so there’s not much change. 😉

      I’m glad you got some chuckles! It was very funny (as long as you have a strong stomach). Being a visual thinker, though, it’s lucky you weren’t there – I don’t think you would have gotten your money’s worth from the buffet.

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  6. Yikes. About the loud customers and the laptop issues! Luckily, you have a technical brain. And you don’t get grossed out easily. Like me. Now, of course I want to know what that limerick was??

    By the way if you ever want to discuss separating, composting toilets in campers or pee-stained $100 bills, let me know. 🙂

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    • Ah, yes. The famous composting toilet incident. Like you, I would have found a way to salvage the money; but yuck! That’s the kind of thing that’s much more fun to retell as a story than actually experience.

      And I’ve resolved not to repeat that limerick unless I have an immediate and pressing need to drive away everyone in the vicinity. Sometimes it’s better to keep one’s superpowers hidden. 😉

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  7. I’m not sure here: computer problems or horrible dinner conversations … tough to choose between the two, but luck you gets both.

    sorry about that.

    but yes, risk going back — maybe you’ll get a more entertaining conversation to listen to.

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  8. You poor woman! I still remember using typewriters; too bad computers have spoiled us.

    I’m sure your luck will improve soon and free you to focus on more satisfying endeavors.

    Wishing you the best,
    Jess

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    • Thanks, Jess! I learned to type on the old ‘boat anchor’ typewriters, and when I finally got to use a Selectric with the correction function (!) I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Now after decades of using computers and being able to thoughtlessly backspace and retype, my accuracy has plummeted. I definitely wouldn’t like to write a novel on an old-school typewriter now.

      Wishing you the best, too! 🙂

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  9. Well you certainly are having your issues. If it helps any I work for an excellent IT guy . He is in NB and I am in BC. He may be able to help with Windows 10 . As I have a vested interest in book 18, I would like to pay for his services to help you. You have been more than generation by giving me 2 books already.

    I don’t actually work on my laptop as I have a separate keyboard and mouse. I found it got warm ,so have it sitting on supports above the table so there is better air flow.

    Shirley

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    • Yes, I always make sure to have my laptop situated so that it gets good air flow, too. The first new laptop was a bit of an experiment – it was very low-priced but with good processing specs. We didn’t realize it was poorly vented until it arrived. My new-new laptop has ample vents and is barely warm.

      Thank you so much for your offer of IT services! I think I’ve finally got everything corralled and pointed in the right direction, though. The new-new laptop has (as of this morning) got everything loaded that needs to be loaded, has Windows 11 configured the way I want it, and is working fine. Cross your fingers and toes and eyes for me – Book 18, here I come! 🙂

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  11. I love your theory! I used to feel that way about buffets too; but my husband explained that what he was paying for was the variety and option to put a tiny bit of everything on his plate and to fix it exactly how he wanted it. That stopped my over-filling.

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    • Aha! Thank you for that much-needed dose of perspective. I’m sure that will help me at the next buffet. (Not a lot, though – I love food so much, it’s hard not to go back for seconds… or thirds… when I find something truly yummy!)

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  12. I am so glad that someone else struggles with inappropriate laughter. So very glad. I like your theory about why the couple are discussing their dog’s digestion at such length too.

    I will freely admit to being a chronic eavesdropper on conversations held in public as well. Not usually such one track conversations though.

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