For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. Welcome to the Questions of Doom series.
A QOD is an unanswerable and highly dangerous question posed by your wife/significant other. I’m going to teach you how to escape some common QODs (more or less) unscathed.
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Note: There are many reasons why I’ve never asked this question myself (not the least of which is that I wear a dress approximately once every five years). But trust me, guys, I can help you.
QOD #1: Does this dress make me look fat?
If you’ve ever been hit with this question, you understand the devastating consequences of the wrong answer. Hint: Both “yes” and “no” are the wrong answer.
“Yes” – So, so wrong. Expect tears, anger, and possibly flying objects. Don’t expect to get laid any time in the foreseeable future. And maybe you should wear a cup. This ain’t pretty, but if you just want to get the whole thing over with, it’s definitely quick.
“No” – This is also the wrong answer. She doesn’t believe you. She argues: “Yes, it does. You’re just saying that.”
It doesn’t matter what you say at this point. Keep insisting “no”, and she still won’t believe you, you’ll get annoyed, and then she’ll call you an insensitive jerk. But switch to “yes” and you’re totally doomed. See consequences above, plus now she thinks you’re a weaselly liar into the bargain.
Best Answer: “You look hot in everything. Grrr.” – Accompany this with a kiss, and you might get away scot-free. But remember, you’re going for distraction here. A peck on the cheek isn’t gonna cut it. Just like pulling a punch, a quick lip bump is only going to piss off its recipient.
Go for the gusto. Kiss her as if you haven’t seen a woman in ten years.
In the beyond-your-wildest-dreams scenario, she says, “Grrr yourself, big fella.” Nature takes its course, and you end up too busy mattress dancing to go to the stupid event you were dressing for the in the first place. But don’t get your hopes (or anything else) up for that.
In the best case scenario, she finishes getting dressed with a smile on her face. (You didn’t really expect to get lucky at this stage, did you? She’s focused on getting dressed. But your chances are looking pretty good for some action later if you play your cards right.)
Worst case scenario, she relents and changes the question to, “But do you like the blue one or the black one better?”
Danger, Will Robinson! This is a trick question.
You probably already know that “I don’t care, just put on something and let’s go” is the wrong answer. But do not, under any circumstances, breathe a sigh of relief and choose a dress. That will start the whole process all over again.
The only correct answer is, “The (pick a dress randomly) one makes your boobs/ass/legs look amazing. Grrr.”
Repeat as needed.
You can thank me later. (But if you score, I don’t want details.)
Movember Moment: Depression is one of the most common mental health issues men face. Guys, if you think you may be depressed, see your doctor – don’t wait. The sooner you start working on it, the sooner you’ll start to feel better. Here’s a description of symptoms, risk factors, triggers, and treatments for depression in men.
P.S. Thanks to Le Clown for starting Bloggers for Movember. In support of the cause, I’ll donate half the November royalties from my paperback and e-book sales from all channels to the Cancer Society. Please spread the word!
12 thoughts on “Bro Bulletin – Questions Of Doom: #1”
*snort* @ “don’t get your hopes (or anything else) up..hahahahaahah
I don’t understand the need to ask a poor guy that “am I fat question” at all!
I just ask my sister ( now) and before when with the ex..I’d ask the mirror..hehe
Same here. If I thought it made me look fat, I wouldn’t have bought it in the first place. 🙂
Good laugh Diane
Yeah, that’s definitely a lose-lose question. If I understand your advice correctly I should avoid the question all together and end every sentence with Grrr, grrrr. That seems simple enough, I just tend to flub it when I’m under pressure!
There are really only two responses a man needs to successfully navigate a relationship: “Grrr” and “Yes, dear.” Use this knowledge wisely…
Definitely don’t say this: You’re not fat, you’re just plump. I saw a guy say that to a girl once; it got ugly.
Owie. That poor suffering bastard.
I knew that I loved you. “Does this dress make me look fat?” is the single reason that men can never, never, never be the equals of women. It doesn’t matter whether you are the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel or Secretary of State Hillary Clinton or Lady GaGa or a shopkeeper or a waitress; this question has NO correct answer. Perfect. In one fell swoop, women have reduced men to babbling idiots. We might as well wave the white flag and surrender.
No, no, C-a-L, don’t surrender yet! We’re not all cruel enough to ask those questions. (Though some are – see Bronxboy’s comment above.) Stick with me, and I’ll get you through safely.
“That dress looks good on you. It would also look good on my floor. Grrrr.”
Oooh, nicely done! (The “grrrr” gave me shivers. Must’ve been the extra “r”.) 🙂
There are more questions you’re going to help us with, right? And will you be doing review classes before the exam? I was once asked this question: “Is my butt bigger now, or when you first met me?” I did the only thing I could think of. I ran out of the house and just kept going.
Oh, Charles, you poor man! Running was the only safe thing to do.
I’m doing the QOD series for the month of Movember, but I can see it’ll only scratch the surface – that question would never have occurred to me! I think QOD might have to become a regular feature. 🙂