Prepare for the impending zombiepocalypse!

Everywhere I turn, I’m reminded that zombies will soon overrun the earth.  In fact, a recent Calgary Herald article reported that an expert has rated Calgary as one of the best places to survive the zombiepocalyse.  Whew, that’s a relief.

I’ve been wondering why zombies are getting so much press lately.  I initially thought it might be because everybody’s tired of vampires, so zombies are the next option in the creepy catalogue.  That makes sense, because zombies are easier to relate to in real life.

I mean, really, what are the chances of seeing a vampire?  They crumble into dust at the slightest touch of daylight and cringe from silver and go up in smoke under holy water.  They’re not really that durable.  (Don’t talk to me about sparkly vampires.  I’m strictly old-school.)

Zombies, on the other hand, are practically indestructible.  Shoot ‘em; hack ‘em up; whatever.  They just pick up the pieces and keep on coming.  According to the ammunition experts at Hornady, you need special ammo for shooting zombies (not to mention a fully-automatic weapon).  No kidding, this is a real product.  I’ve seen it in stores.

But after careful consideration, I think zombies are looming as the next big threat because they’re real and they’re already living among us.

I know that’s a scary thought, but the truth is I encounter dozens of them every day.  Sometimes they’re on foot, but as a general rule they seem to prefer mechanical conveyances.

I’m sure you’ve seen them, too:  hunched in the driver’s seat, their deadened eyes staring straight ahead without any regard for road conditions or traffic.  Occasionally their rigor-mortis grip is locked on the steering wheel, but more often their nerveless hands clutch cell phones or coffee cups, or both at the same time while they drive with their knee (or some other appendage with a life of its own; I’ve always been afraid to look too closely).

Oblivious to the rest of us, they drive through red lights and stop signs, turn left from the far right-hand lane, and weave in and out of traffic deaf to horns and blind to the universal gesture of fellowship and goodwill that frequently accompanies horn-honking.

To combat this menace, I’d like to suggest a new kind of Zombie Bullets.  Like the Hornady product above, they would incorporate the all-important green colouring.  And they’re already available in standard paintball calibres.  Pair them with one of the new fully-automatic paintball guns and a heads-up automatic targeting system installed in our cars, and we’re all set to eradicate the latest zombie menace.

I realize that shooting a zombie’s car with a paint pellet won’t stop the zombie in question, but at least it’ll provide a warning for the rest of us.  When we see a vehicle dripping with green slime, we’ll be able to take evasive action.

And hey, it’d make police officers’ jobs easier, too:  “I’m sorry, sir, your car shows sixty-three distinct zombie-bullet hits.  I’m going to have to write you a ticket for driving without the influence of a brain.”

Ah, if only…