Coitus Interruptus

May 30, 2012 / Diane Henders / 34 Comments

It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been trying for months, and I get interrupted partway through every time. I’m so frustrated because I just can’t finish…

The sex scene in my latest book, I mean.

My writing process borders on obsessive-compulsive. I begin by re-reading and editing everything I’ve written the previous several days, just to get back into the story. Then I write, then I edit what I’ve just written, and then I repeat. And repeat. And… repeat.

If I’m interrupted, it completely throws me. If it’s a minor interruption, I can sometimes jump back into the story, but usually I have to go back several scenes and start again. By the time one of my books is ready for release, I’ve re-read (and usually re-written) every single word at least 50 times.

How Spy I Am goes out to my beta readers this week, so you can guess how many times I’ve edited this sex scene. And I’ve never gotten through it uninterrupted.

Not. Once.

No matter how the stars and planets are aligned, no matter what precautions I’ve taken, there’s always something. A conversation that requires more input than “Mmm-hmmm”. A doorbell. An alarm.

I’ve tried working at my desk, at somebody else’s kitchen table, out in the woods, and in the car (no, I was not driving at the time). Same damn thing. I get partway through that scene, and something happens to drag me away.

I tried it in the airport boarding lounge. I figured, who the hell would interrupt me there? Nobody talks to anybody in the airport.

Wrong!

It was all I could do not to leap up and scream, “Do you mind? I’m trying to have sex over here!” Which might have been amusing, come to think of it. Maybe I’ll try that some time, just for giggles. Anyway…

Last week, I made an editing date with myself. Put all my other work aside and gave myself permission to not make supper/do laundry/whatever. I had several gloriously uninterrupted hours at my desk. I was in the editing zone. Before I knew it, I was half-way through the sex scene, thinking, “At last, I’ll get through this…”

The phone rang.

The call involved a family member and hospitalization. Fortunately nothing life-threatening, but definitely one of those calls you have to take. And there I was, left hanging. Again.

This week is my last chance. Hubby’s away on business. I’ve discharged all my responsibilities for my “real” job. My inboxes (both paper and virtual) are empty. I plan to leave my phone in the house, close the windows, lock the doors, and take my laptop out to the shed in the back yard. It’s a sordid place to have sex, but by now I have no self-respect left.

After all, what could possibly happen to interrupt me out there?

But if you see a headline about a woman who died when her garden shed was struck by lightning out of a clear blue sky, don’t look for a blog post next week.

Postscript: I was editing again after I wrote the draft for this post. Right in the middle of the fateful scene… my mouse batteries died. FML.

Beer and Jiggs on “Da Rock”

May 16, 2012 / Diane Henders / 18 Comments

I thoroughly enjoyed spending last week in St. John’s, Newfoundland. It was my first visit to “Da Rock”, but I knew enough to be prepared for some idiosyncrasies. Here are a few things the travel brochures don’t tell you.

Everyone who’s ever visited Newfoundland raves about how friendly everyone is, and it’s true. Within a day, I’d been repeatedly called Honey, Sweetie, Darlin’, and Doll, all in delightful accents that ranged from lilting Irish to twangy down-home Newfie. And that was just the women.

The men were even friendlier. I got honks and waves, offers of rides, and one guy even offered me his hat (it was a windy day and my hair was flying). Oddly, my husband didn’t get the same warm treatment from the guys. Sheer coincidence, I’m sure.

Here’s the best piece of navigational advice I can offer: Turn off your GPS while in St. John’s. There are so many intersections where streets converge in a haphazard conglomeration, the GPS can’t keep up. “Turn right” could mean any one of three possible options – and you will invariably choose the wrong one.

When your GPS’s voice starts to sound first miffed, then frantic (“turn right…” “recalculating…” “turn left, then turn right…”, “recalculating…” “turn right, then keep left, moron…” “recalculating…” “RECALCULATING…”) you know you’re doomed.

Paper maps are a better option, but we discovered the best solution is to follow a trucker through town. You might not end up exactly where you wanted to be, but at least you’ll be on a main road and you can turn around and try again.

And now for a critical health warning: Through careful research and experimentation, I’ve determined that Jiggs Dinner is highly volatile when combined with beer. Do not, I repeat, do not consume this unless you plan to spend your evening in solitude. This meal’s after-effects pose extreme danger to anyone within a thirty-foot radius. On the upside, you won’t need to use your nose-hair trimmer any time soon.

For the uninitiated, Jiggs Dinner is a traditional Newfie meal composed of salt beef boiled with dried peas, cabbage, potatoes, carrots, and sometimes turnips. The result is delicious… but mixed with beer? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

By my unofficial count, St. John’s has one church and one Irish pub per ten residents. You’ve gotta like people whose priorities are that clearly defined. And I’m not talking little churches – I’m talking huge stone cathedrals. I was lucky to discover that the Anglican cathedral on Duckworth offers a free ½ hour classical concert on their pipe organ every Wednesday afternoon. I crept into the chill, shadowy building to gape up at the lofty Gothic arches and soaring stained glass while the sonorous tones of the organ filled the enormous space.

One word: Wow.

But since St. John’s has a total population of about 200,000, I can’t imagine why they need all those giant churches. I’m pretty sure every person in the entire town could go to church simultaneously and still have room to spare. That’d never happen, though, because they’re all in the pubs drinking beer and eating Jiggs Dinner.

Which actually makes sense when I think about it. Those stone cathedrals get damn nippy. They could use a bit of hot air.

Yep, those Newfies have it all figured out.

P.S. Seriously, if you ever get a chance to go to Newfoundland, go. Stay in downtown St. John’s, and you can walk to virtually all the attractions (if you like uphill walks). It’s the oldest city in Canada, with wonderful food, beer, people, and history… and we got to see an iceberg up close in Quidi Vidi Harbour. Doesn’t get much better than that.

Beautiful, Sunshiny, Versatile… And Lazy

May 9, 2012March 13, 2013 / Diane Henders / 31 Comments

Update: Many thanks to all those who have nominated me for various blog awards. I’ve done a couple of posts of obscure facts about myself (here’s another one). To do more posts like this would require me to go beyond “obscure” and into “too much information”, so I think I’ll quit while we’re all ahead. Here you go…

Several of my readers have been kind enough to nominate me for the Versatile Blogger award in the past few months. Many thanks to my blogging buddies, Chris9911, How The Cookie Crumbles, and RVingGirl (who unfortunately seems to have stopped blogging).

And just a couple of days ago, Fear No Weebles kindly offered me the Sunshine Award and/or the Beautiful Blogger Award. I modestly chose both. ‘Cause I like getting awards – I tuck them into my file of nice things people have said about me and take them out to enjoy them later. It’s a small file, granted, but it’s great for when I need a warm fuzzy or two.

At the time I was offered the Versatile Blogger awards, I was busy travelling back and forth to Manitoba while my step-mom underwent cancer treatments (many thanks to everyone for their good wishes – she’s finished treatment now and doing fine). But I didn’t have time to fulfill the obligations of the award. Instead, I linked to this post, with a promise to uphold my end of the bargain when I did have time… which is now. The awards all have similar requirements:

Thank the person who shared the award with you by linking back to them in your post.
List 7 – 10 things about yourself.
Pass this award to 7- 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know that you included them in your blog post.

For the sake of efficiency (which I prefer to the probably-more-accurate descriptor: “laziness”), I’m rolling all my obligations into this post – hope the blogging police don’t catch me.

Seven Things About Me (that weren’t included in the last post):

The photo in my blog header is a 2010 Harley-Davidson Crossbones. Sadly, I don’t actually own a Harley – they’re a little too rich for my budget. The only ride I have available right now is an ’85 Honda VF1100 Magna. But hey, if my books hit the bestseller list, maybe I’ll buy a Harley. (I can hope, can’t I?)
In my last post I showed you one of my oil paintings, so this time, I’m going to inflict my piano-playing on you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Here it is.
I’ve worked as a church organist, gas jockey, camp counsellor, teacher, receptionist, bookkeeper, interior designer, draftsperson, construction project manager, computer geek, tech writer, Microsoft Office instructor, and author, in that order. I’ve been an entrepreneur for so long (23 years), I’m pretty much unemployable.
In various adventures, I’ve been kicked, punched, cut, burned, and run over by a motorcycle. A strong man has crushed my skin with pliers, and I have scars on my hand from the time I tangled with a 250-lb steroid-fuelled bodybuilder. This might make you think I’ve led a dangerous, violent life. I haven’t. All those things were done unintentionally, most of them by my friends during sporting events or back-yard car tinkering. But it makes me sound like a badass if I don’t mention that part, right?
I’m just under 5’-10” barefoot. Sometimes for giggles, I go into the shoe store and walk around in six-inch platform stilettos just to see the expressions on people’s faces. Voila. Yes, that shelf beside my elbow is about four and a half feet tall.

Which leads me to: I am not photogenic (obviously). I have a gift for twisting my face into an utterly asinine expression at the precise instant the camera clicks. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. I prefer to think I don’t look like that all the time.
I always swore I’d never write fiction. Oops. My bad. My excuse is under “Are you writing about yourself, you pathetic narcissist?” on the FAQ page.

And now for the fun part. I follow tons of blogs. My all-time favourites are in the Blogroll to the right, and I’m always adding more.

I don’t take orders very well, so I’m going play fast and loose with requirement #3. I’d like to name a few bloggers I’ve discovered recently and offer them any or all of the above awards (I’ll let them choose). Recipients, if you’ve already received these or if you don’t feel like playing, please accept this as a compliment and feel free to ignore the conditions of the award(s).

Nigel Blackwell usually blogs about anything that drives, flies and/or crashes, in witty posts full of fascinating behind-the-scenes detail. And every now and then he goes off the reservation with hilarious essays about such disparate topics as socks or “write-only” memory. You just can’t lose with Nigel.

If you love blues (and music in general) as much as I do, Longshot’s Blog has wonderful retro classics.

Harper Faulkner is always funny and/or thought-provoking. Don’t miss him – it’s worth the visit.

Carrie Rubin’s off-the-wall blog, The Write Transition, makes me laugh. She’s an author with a book being released this fall, so I hope you’ll go and give her some blog love.

Pat Bean is a wandering blogger who’s been on the road in an RV for the last 5 years with a pooch for a companion. It’s a fascinating chronicle if you’re into travelling the back roads.

Lisa Clark writes The Big Sheep Blog, “Where Imagination, Business and Life Collide”, and an online magazine for 50+ women called The Ripe Report. Lisa’s always got something interesting to say, so check her out.

And of course, don’t forget to visit my generous award-givers: Chris9911, How The Cookie Crumbles, and Fear No Weebles (love that name!).

Note to all my blogging buddies: If it looks like I unsubscribed from your blog this week, I didn’t – at least not intentionally. WordPress changed their defaults to automatically subscribe to comments every time I comment on a blog, and I got buried under email. When I unsubscribed from comments, I did it wrong, and unsubscribed from the blogs, too. Grrr. Have no fear, I’m still following you – I aggregate everything via RSS feed. But you might see me doing some weird stuff with follows/subscriptions for a while. Sorry about that.

Soup Nose: ‘S Not Funny

April 11, 2012 / Diane Henders / 16 Comments

There are a quite a few disorders with evocative names like tennis elbow, tailor’s bunion, and vibration white finger. Though it sounds like it should fit it this category, I’m not including plumber’s butt in the list because the person afflicted with it is completely oblivious while the innocent bystanders suffer. And I’m not going to make a crack about that. (Yeah, okay, I couldn’t help it.)

Recently, though, I discovered another less serious but equally irritating affliction: soup nose. I’ve had it all my life, but thanks to my step-mom I’ve finally discovered its correct name.

Why is it that as soon as I eat something hot, my nose runs? After exhaustive research (with a couple of friends and a few cold beers), I’ve determined that this is a widespread, medically neglected phenomenon. And there’s no good way to deal with it politely.

In private, it’s easy. One good nose-honk and the problem’s solved, though I do have an unfortunate tendency to attract flocks of amorous Canada geese with that method.

But in polite company, what does one do? Fleeing the table to seek the necessary privacy for goose imitations isn’t always feasible. Then I have to fall back on the tissue-dabbing method, which, frankly, is annoying as hell. Not to mention conspicuous when I do it for the umpteenth time.

I was eating soup the other day when a burning question popped into my mind: Does the Queen get soup nose?

Think about it. Here’s a woman who’s lived all her life in the public eye. It’s not like she can jump up from the table at a state dinner and scuttle off to the loo for a good old nose-honk. But you never see her dabbing at her nose with a tissue.

I mean, really. Can you imagine the Queen harbouring a nasty little snot-soaked tissue stuffed up her sleeve like Grandma used to do? I’m pretty sure the Queen is above snot-soaked tissues.

So that leaves me with three possibilities:

The Queen simply doesn’t get soup nose. It’s beneath her.
Nobody ever serves the Queen anything hot. She eats all her meals cold or tepid. Or…
Somebody has found a cure for soup nose!

In case one or two, I’m out of luck. Pretty much nothing’s beneath me, and cold / tepid just isn’t my style.

But… I live in hope that there’s a cure out there. Some miraculous drug or process by which I could actually stay seated for an entire hot meal. I haven’t been able to find it yet, but if you hear about anything, let me know.

And since I’m on this low-brow subject anyway, I’ll leave you with the following bit of doggerel left over from my childhood. I don’t know who the original author was, but I’ll credit them if I ever find out.

So you’re kissing with your honey
And your nose is kind of runny
And you think it’s kind of funny
But it’s snot.

Probably the author prefers to remain nameless…

Cruisin’

April 4, 2012 / Diane Henders / 24 Comments

On Monday, I thoroughly enjoyed an experience most people would appreciate just about as much as a root canal without anaesthetic. I drove 800 miles across the Canadian prairies in 12 hours, stopping at hours 5 and 10 to fill the car’s tank and empty mine. I’ve been making that trip pretty frequently lately, but I’m still not tired of it.

There are many things I love about driving across the prairies alone. Not the least of these is the opportunity to sing along with my music at the top of my lungs without losing friends and/or straining my husband’s tolerance to its limits.

Auditory abuse aside, a drive across the prairies in good weather is about as close to heaven as I expect to come. I love the places where there’s nothing to see but a long, straight ribbon of highway that vanishes into the big blue sky with no visible human habitation in any direction. And I love the variety in the rest of the drive: sloughs and open fields and occasional clumps of trees; isolated farmsteads and little towns; foxes and coyotes and deer and antelope and (once in a blue moon) a moose; hawks and waterfowl and songbirds and all kinds of other critters.

There’s room to breathe out there. When I get out of the city and into the open prairie, my joints loosen and my muscles relax and my soul heaves a sigh of relief and soars up to meet that blue, blue sky.

Mind you, I’m a freak.

Most people consider a drive across the prairies about as stimulating as watching paint dry. Beige paint. They’re delighted when they finally arrive at civilization.

I consider civilization an annoying but necessary hiatus in the pleasure of my drive. To wit:

At the first gas station, I waited approximately forever outside the women’s washroom, only to find that the kid who was using it was taking so long because she was industriously clogging the toilet with paper towels and who knows what else.

If I’d known, I could’ve gone straight to the men’s in the first place. And don’t get me started about men’s washrooms.

At the second gas station/sub shop, I arrived exactly in time to:

Have a guy slip in front of me to pay for his gas, only to engage the clerk in a lengthy conversation about “Where’s the best place to eat in Virden?” Not satisfied with the clerk’s initial answer, he diverged into, “But what if I want Chinese food? But what if I want ribs? But what if I want…” You want to live, buddy? Get outta my way.
This delayed me enough to…
Have a woman slip in front of me and slam the door to the women’s washroom in my face. Repeat the above waiting experience, this time with trepidation. Fortunately, the toilet was still functional by the time I took my turn.
However, this set up perfect timing to:
Have two women slip in front of me at the sub counter, only to order multiple subs. Each. With great indecision about toppings.

I’m not sure whether the drive helped or hindered my retention of equanimity. On one hand, I was happy and relaxed when I went in, so theoretically it should take longer for me to reach maximum annoyance. On the other hand, the normal vagaries of humanity seemed extra irritating after ten hours of solitary bliss.

What do you think?

Any other prairie lovers or long-distance drivers out there?

If You’re Reading This, I’m Not Dead

March 21, 2012 / Diane Henders / 21 Comments

Some time ago, I read an article on good blogging practices. It said you should designate a proxy blogger so someone could shut down your blog in case you died. It even suggested you should write a post and save it so your proxy could communicate your final message to your readers.

I’m sorry to say I didn’t treat this advice with due reverence.

I like to think I’m a conscientious person. I try to fulfill my social obligations, at least as much as someone with my limited social skills can manage. But I just can’t see writing a “Sorry, I’m Dead” post.

What if I’m not sorry? I mean, let’s face it, if I’m dead, I probably won’t care much about what’s happening with my blog. As I see it, there are three possibilities for my after-death experience:

1) Harps and heavenly bliss. In which case I’m more likely to look down from my exalted cloud and yell, “Neener, neener, I’m all happy and surrounded by endless beer while you poor schmos are still slogging it out down there!” I guess I could put that in a blog post, but it seems presumptuous. What if I jinxed it and ended up in the wrong place instead? Which leads me to option 2…

2) Pitchforks and eternal torment. If that’s the case, I’ll be so absorbed in my own misery that my blog will be the least of my worries. Or…

3) Nothing. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200; I’m gone, done, finito. Elvis has left the building, and he ain’t comin’ back. In which case, I won’t be capable of caring about my blog.

But still.

I’m conscientious. So now that I’ve been told this is one of my responsibilities as a blogger, I feel a niggling urge to address the “what if I die” scenario, even though I can’t imagine any earth-shattering consequences if I suddenly stop posting to my blog.

I mean, I’d like to think there are people out there hanging on my every word. Or… actually, no. Forget I said that. Considering the usual content of my blog, I’d find it very disturbing if people were hanging on my every word.

So how about this: As long as posts keep appearing here on a regular basis, you can assume I’m still alive, unless you believe in a fourth “beyond the grave” option where my spirit hangs around and writes blog posts and occasionally throws things.

Come to think of it, that could be fun. Though it would probably inhibit my ability to enjoy beer, so maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. No wonder ghosts throw things.

Anyway, if my blog posts stop, you can assume I’m dead, bored, or incapacitated in some way, so feel free to drop insulting comments on my last blog entry. If I’m bored, it’ll cheer me up. If I’m incapacitated, you can be assured that my revenge, while not swift, will probably be terrible, or at least terribly entertaining. For one of us.

And if I’m dead, I’ll probably be past caring, but it might amuse my ghost.

Why Do I Do It…?

March 14, 2012 / Diane Henders / 15 Comments

I cling to the delusion that I’m a relatively intelligent human being.

It only took me one try to learn that you don’t guide the plug into the socket by gripping the prongs with your thumb and forefinger. I’m generally a pretty quick study that way. When it hurts, I figure I must be doing something wrong.

But I recently came to a realization that shook the very core of my confidence: I’m a very slow learner when it comes to eating.

Not that I don’t know how to eat. Far from it. I’m an eating prodigy.

My problem is I don’t know when to stop.

For some reason, I lack the judgement I’m able to exercise in all other areas of my life. I apply the “if it hurts, stop” rule with a high degree of success until it comes to food. Then the rule comes out looking more like, “if it hurts, keep eating until it really hurts, then stop for a while and drink beer until you can eat again”.

I prefer to call this “gusto”, which is a nicer way to say “stupidity”.

After several decades of research and analysis, I’ve concluded my friends are to blame.

It can’t be the beer impairing my judgement, because I’m capable of hurting myself with or without it, though the whole effort is more enjoyable in the presence of alcohol.

It can’t be me, because I don’t eat like that when I’m at home. I’ve had people come up to me at a party and say, “Wow, I wish I could eat like you and still stay that slim.” To which I respond, “Don’t bother wishing. I don’t even eat like me.”

This phenomenon was hammered home a few weeks ago at a friend’s birthday party. We were sitting around the table eating take-out Chinese and shooting the breeze until suddenly I glanced at the completely cleared table and asked, “Am I the only one still eating?”

And everybody laughed and said, “Well, duh.”

I was in pain. I had been comfortably full when I took that last helping, and I knew I didn’t need to eat more. I ate it anyway. Then I ate brownies and birthday cake. Then I propped myself in a chair and held my stomach and groaned. Then I drank some more beer. If we’d stayed any later, I’d have been back into the snacks.

Why do I do it?

It’s not peer pressure. Nobody says, “Hey, I bet you can’t eat this.” In the first place, they’re mature human beings and I’d like to think we’re all a little past the point of silly challenges. In the second place, they know they’d lose the bet.

But that’s not the point.

I’ve got nothing to prove, and even if I did, I’d be embarrassed to prove it with sophomoric excesses.

So I can only conclude it’s some sort of hive-mind telepathy by which I absorb and respond to everyone else’s appetites. I’m not eating for me; I’m eating for everybody in the room. Ergo, it’s not my fault.

Maybe I’ll wear a tinfoil hat to the next party. Think that’ll fix the problem?

More Yummy Spam

March 7, 2012March 11, 2012 / Diane Henders / 15 Comments

My friends the spammers have been kind enough to donate the content for today’s post. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I actually harbour a sneaking fondness for spam, as long as it’s fried up nice and crispy with cracker crumbs and/or neatly contained inside my spam filters.

Here’s what my blog has attracted lately:

In the category of Messages in Secret Code: “blank hairpick slug miner mode lole weakling justis Basia”.

As any fool can see, this is an urgent communiqué informing me that feeble, curly-haired mentally deficient slug miners are about to kidnap a Polish folk singer and hold her hostage until their demands for justice are met in the form of shorter working hours, improved slime-resistant work gloves, and lower daily slug quotas.

I was halfway to the red phone to warn the secret police when I realized the plot was far more sinister than I’d originally thought. The key word in the message is “lole”. This misspelling of “LOL” clearly indicates that the implication of the mentally deficient slug miners is merely a clever ploy by the conspirators’ masterminds. In fact, the plot is being undertaken by the intellectually elite straight-haired slug miners, who plan to frame their less acute brethren for the evil plan.

You’ll be relieved to know I reported the entire thing to the authorities, and Basia will never know how close she came to a slimy and terrifying ordeal.

***

In the category of Obscure But Vaguely Disturbing: “I’m worried that a plush facehugger is a gateway facehugger if I win, I’d better not start turning tricks for real facehuggers or craving an alien bursting out of my chest”.

My initial fear that a facehugger was some sort of previously-unidentified sexual variation turned out to be unfounded when I nervously searched “facehugger” on the internet. Now it all makes perfect, though somewhat worrisome, sense. The concern that a plush facehugger may conceal a real facehugger is certainly a valid one. But turning tricks for a facehugger? Seems to imply a certain moral deficiency, wouldn’t you think?

Here’s a runner-up in the same category: “In case the peg people don’t win the day, I need to know”.

Me, too. I really, really need to know. Who are these peg people? Why has their epic struggle against the hole people gone undocumented all this time? You need to know. I need to know. The world needs to know.

***

In the category of Too Much Information: “I’ve a condition in this particular topic”.

This comment appeared on my post Why Orange Plastic Palm Trees. I really didn’t need to know this commenter has glowing orange and yellow testicles.

***

And finally, in the category of Dubious Compliments: “Those are yours alright! … They look good though!”

Um… thanks. I’ve always preferred to think the real ones look better than implants, too, but… wait a minute… what are you looking at?!?

***

Anybody else had tasty spam lately?

Update: The promo’s over now, but I’m planning a few more coming up – will keep you posted.

Note: This week (March 4 – 10) is “Read An Ebook Week”, and I’m giving away ebook versions of Never Say Spy to support it. Get yours free until March 10, and please let your friends know, too. Click on the Ebook Week picture in my sidebar to get it (use coupon code RE100).

Don’t worry if you don’t have an e-reader – you can download software to read e-books on your PC from Adobe Digital Editions (epub) or Kindle for PC (mobi).

If you’re a regular commenter here, and if you’ve been kind enough to buy Never Say Spy already, drop me a note from the About Me page, and I’ll send you a freebie for one of my other books instead (tell me which one you’d like).

Let Me Rephrase That

February 29, 2012 / Diane Henders / 26 Comments

My mouth keeps me in trouble. As I mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes words fail to come out in any kind of useful or intelligible manner.

Other times, words come out of my mouth with mortifying clarity. To wit:

My step-mom has cordless phones in various parts of her house so she can easily pick up without having to make a mad dash when the phone rings. One day, some of the phones went dead, and I discovered one of her incoming lines had malfunctioned. I solved the problem temporarily by redistributing the base units and extra handsets to maintain coverage until the repairman arrived. The conversation went as follows:

Me: “I’m just going to move your master base unit…”

Her: *Silence*

Me: “Please tell me I didn’t just say ‘masturbate’…”

But it doesn’t end there. At the pub a few months ago, I loudly and clearly informed the gang that “I take it from both ends”.

My friends do not have my step-mom’s restraint. A chorus of whoops, guffaws, and snorts greeted my announcement, and I was forced to wrap myself in the pitiful shreds of my dignity to explain that I was talking about getting ice cream out of a 2-litre carton as efficiently as possible: open one end, scoop it out to the halfway point, and then open the other end to finish it off.

Sadly, the effectiveness of the explanation was spoiled by the fact that nobody was listening anymore; they were too busy holding their sides and laughing.

My unfortunate affliction isn’t limited to verbal gaffes. I’ve left the house carrying a grocery list that specified “booze & pot”. No, not “pot” as in “cannabis”. I was getting ready for a party, and I needed to pick up some wine and a large pot for boiling lobster. I shredded that list, just in case somebody got the wrong idea.

Other readers of my lists might erroneously assume I’m a stage performer. One of my more recent scraps of paper read “taps & hat”. I don’t know how to tap-dance. And if I did, you wouldn’t want to see it. I meant “taps for the kitchen sink”, and the hat was a gift for my step-mom.

Most recently, I distinguished myself in conversation with a group of people I’d only known a short time. We were sitting around the kitchen table enjoying a quiet beer when I discovered one of the guys collected coins. Something was said about his coin collection, and I turned to him and innocently asked, “Oh, do you have a big one?”

Did I mention I didn’t know these people very well at the time?

Most people would have wisely shut up at that point, and let the innate good manners of the others force them to bite their tongues and pretend nothing untoward had been said.

Unfortunately, dignity and propriety have never been my strong suit. I burst out laughing and added, “Let me rephrase that…”

I guess they know me a little better now. Whether they wanted to or not.

Anybody else have an obstreperous tongue? Or do I just have the world’s dirtiest mind? Or both?

I’m Not An Idiot. Really.

February 15, 2012 / Diane Henders / 31 Comments

93% of people who drive believe they’re better-than-average drivers.

Anybody else see the math problem here?

This came to mind yesterday, as I swore at the bone-headed stunts of other Calgary drivers.

I just spent three weeks in small-town Manitoba, and I did most of my driving on the wide-open four-lane TransCanada Highway. Traffic is light in the winter, so the statistical probability of encountering an idiot driver is satisfyingly low.

Unless of course, I’m the idiot I’m trying to avoid. More on that later.

The idiosyncrasies of small-town drivers don’t bother me. There, I expect people to double- and triple-park, turn without signalling, and brake to a halt in the middle of the street for a visit with the driver of an oncoming vehicle.

What the heck, it’s a small town. They don’t need to signal; everybody knows where they’re going. On Tuesday and Thursday mornings, they’re going for coffee at the bake shop. Saturday mornings, it’s breakfast at the café. The last Friday of every month is pizza night at Joe’s. No problem.

So I was shocked when I was forced to call somebody a butthead within two minutes of leaving my driveway here in Calgary. I’d gotten out of the habit of muttering verbal abuse at other drivers. But by the time I’d completed my one-hour trip, the habit was firmly reestablished. Apparently Calgary has an extremely high population density of idiot drivers.

Hey, that sounds like a collective noun: a murder of crows; a density of idiots…

Anyway, when I went looking for driving statistics, I discovered this wiki on illusory superiority. To grossly oversimplify the article: the stupider you are, the more likely you are to believe you’re smart. And the worse you are at a specific skill (like driving), the more likely you are to believe you’re good at it.

That explains a lot. And it makes me nervous.

Despite my one-time nickname, “Fender Bender“, I’ve always thought I’m a pretty good driver. I took a motorcycle safety course back in the 80s, and I’ve never lost those defensive driving habits. Alert caution is a good idea when you can be effortlessly wiped off the road by anything, including a renegade Canada goose. (True story – happened to a guy my husband knew. The goose hit him in the chest and knocked him right off his bike.)

I won’t pretend I’ve never pulled a dumb move like signalling a turn and then changing my mind, or heading for a parking space only to find it’s occupied and I’m now at a ridiculous angle that requires an embarrassing 3-point turn to escape.

But on the whole, I think I’m okay. I’ve been driving for more than 30 years. I can’t remember the last time anybody honked at me. My passengers don’t scream, lose sphincter control, and/or fling themselves out of the car. I’ve never caused an accident. (Well, except for last fall. But that wasn’t because of my driving.)

So, really, I’m a good driver.

Or maybe that’s just wishful illusory superiority…