Author: Diane Henders

Ooooo, Scary!

/ Diane Henders / 8 Comments

Since Halloween was this week, “scary” has been on my mind.  It was definitely on my mind when I looked in the mirror this morning, but that’s another story.

“Scary” is such a versatile word.  Halloween costumes are good-scary.  Haunted houses and ghost stories are creepy-good-scary.  Politicians are scary in a stomach-churning, “eeeuw-I-don’t-want-to-think-about-it” way.

There’s exciting-scary, when you’re hurtling down a black-diamond ski run and you catch an edge and almost lose it but you don’t, and the adrenaline slams into your veins and you let out a whoop and haul ass to the bottom grinning like a maniac.

There’s the detached sort of scary you get when you’re airborne immediately after parting company with your dirt bike or slipping on the stairs.  It’s that short moment that takes approximately forever to experience, and your brain has exactly enough time to say in calm and reasonable tones, “Oh, shit, this is really going to hurt!”

And then there’s scary-scary.  The kind of scary that makes your heart pound and your hands sweat.  The kind of scary that makes you drop your shoulder like a defensive tackle and fling little old ladies in all directions as you bull your way through the lineup to get to the toilet before you shit your pants.

Well, maybe not really.  And anyway, that only happened once.  Don’t bug me.

My point is, even though “scary” is technically defined as a bad thing, we search it out in so many ways.  When I was a kid, I always wanted to be something scary for Halloween.  Some people would argue that I achieved “scary” on a regular basis, but they may be exaggerating.  Though I do have a vivid memory of my mother saying, “Try not to be so… ferocious.”  It wasn’t even Halloween.

But I never wanted to be a clown or a princess or a ballerina.  I wanted to be a pirate, a headless person, or some other horrifying apparition.  I wanted to make people shiver in abject terror.  Note the clenched fist and fearsome grimace.  I was seven at the time, and my sword was tinfoil-covered cardboard.  I wanted a bigger, scarier sword, but cardboard wasn’t to be wasted and tinfoil was expensive.

When I got old enough to understand real fear, “scary” lost some of its attraction.  But still, in fiction and movies, we have to have a dose of scary, or the storyline just seems flat.  It makes me wonder if cave men sat around telling scary stories, too, or whether they had enough “scary” in their lives without making any up.

What is it about that burst of adrenaline?  Maybe it’s the relief afterward.  Maybe it’s the bragging rights when you’re sitting in the pub telling the story with a cold one in your hand, and your friends shiver and exclaim and laugh in all the right places.

I don’t know.  All I know is, it’s my corporate yearend, and I have to wade through my financial records again.  That’s a whole different kind of scary.  And that story isn’t going to hold anybody enthralled at the pub, either.

P.S.  I’ll be with my step-mom for the next week or two while she starts her chemo treatments, so I may be slow in responding to comments, and I might not make it around to comment on my favourite blogs.  I’m still thinking of you, though.  Thanks for visiting!

PANIC!! …Nah.

/ Diane Henders / 19 Comments

It’s funny how the bloggers I follow seem to read each other’s minds.  This past week, there have been all kinds of posts about stress, panic, and overwhelm.  So what the hell, I’ll get in on it, too.

Panic is an interesting critter.  It starts out as, “Oh, crap, I forgot the candles for hubby’s birthday cake”, and instantly morphs into, “Oh-my-God-I’m-such-a-loser-my-husband-will-divorce-me-my-friends-will-hate-me-I’ll-end-up-dying-broken-and-alone-in-a-rat-infested-cardboard-box-under-a-bridge”.

Whoa, say what?  That’s good stuff.  If I could pour that into an engine, I could blow the doors off some top-fuel dragsters.  Zero to insanity in under a second.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not joking about real panic attacks*.  But our everyday “panic situations”?  Yeah, I’m joking about them.  They’re an overrated pastime.

This was inspired by the “Everybody PANIC!” post over at Visiting Reality. Thanks, Linda!

And since Charles Gulotta over at Mostly Bright Ideas reminded me he wants another flow chart (and he just did a stressed-out post, too)… voilà:  here’s another scary glimpse into the inner workings of my brain.

Charles, this one’s for you.

Is It Time To Panic Yet?

Panic Flow Chart

*If you’ve ever had a real panic attack, you know that on a 0 – 10 Funny Scale, panic attacks are about a -50.  A word of advice from someone who’s been there:  If you have panic attacks, find yourself a medical professional who specializes in cognitive therapy.  You’re not crazy, you’re not a coward, and you’re not weak.  Your brain just took a wrong turn down the logic-path and ended up in the “Oh-shit-I’m-about-to-be-eaten-by-something-big-with-sharp-teeth” parking lot.  Trouble is, it gets in the habit of taking that shortcut, and the longer you let it do that, the longer it takes to break the habit.  And yes, it is possible to stop having panic attacks, it just takes a while.  Go take care of it.  Soonest.  Not kidding.  Okay, I’m getting off my soapbox now.

Delusions Of Competence

/ Diane Henders / 13 Comments

When I was a kid, I was an obnoxious little know-it-all.  This probably explains why I was slightly less popular than herpes.

After a few years, I figured out that nobody likes obnoxious little know-it-alls, but by then it was too late.  When you go to school in a small town, your position in the clique hierarchy is established at an early age.  It’s probably just as well.  I never did get over being a know-it-all; now I just try not to be obnoxious about it.  Sometimes I even succeed.

My main problem is that I’m blessed with an overabundance of what I prefer to call “optimism”.  This characteristic leads me to believe I can tackle just about anything, and that I can probably have it done before lunch.

It doesn’t seem to matter if I’ve never done it before.  I research it a bit and then decide, “Ah, how hard can it be?”  The internet has only made things worse.  “How-to” videos are my evil enabler.

This has led to a few spectacular successes, a surprising number of acceptable results, and an occasional disaster.  Fortunately, I’ve never decided to try brain surgery or air traffic control.

But with age comes wisdom.  Back in the old days, I’d jump right in, secure in the knowledge that “I can do it”.  Now, I’m much more mature and measured in my approach.  Now I jump in hoping I can do it.

Maybe I’m solving the wrong problem here.

I’m not incapable of learning from my mistakes, though.  One of my more valuable life lessons arrived as an epiphany in the dressing room at the clothing store:  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  Sometimes I even remember to apply this wisdom before enthusiastically plunging into another ill-conceived scheme.  (Another lesson from the dressing room:  spandex should be issued only to those in possession of a current and valid Fashion Police Spandex Permit.  But I digress.)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about this “optimism” trait more than usual.  My first book hit Amazon.com last week.  Three more will be up within the next five weeks.  I’d like to point out that, unlike my usual reckless approach, I did actually spend a lot of time learning to write before inflicting my books on the unsuspecting public.  But there’s still some little part of me that wonders if this is one of those projects that’s doomed to ignominious failure.

Telling people I’ve written novels makes me feel the same kind of defiant discomfort as if I was admitting I wore adult diapers.  (I don’t, by the way.  Just sayin’.)  There’s the certain knowledge that it’s not a shameful thing, but it’s also slightly embarrassing to admit I spend a great deal of my time interacting with imaginary people.  It tarnishes my know-it-all image when people realize I’m spewing pure, unadulterated bullshit.

On the upside, my “optimism” shows me a happy world in which people actually buy my books and enjoy them.  Guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I’m hoping for spectacular success.  Before lunch, if possible.

P.S. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Since my step-mom is dealing with breast cancer right now, I thought I’d share this video with its delightfully, um, solid message.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsyE2rCW71o&feature=youtu.be (Sorry, guys, this one only has eye candy for the ladies.  I’ll let you know if I find a counterpart for prostate cancer awareness.)

Neanderthal Behaviour

/ Diane Henders / 26 Comments

My husband thinks I’m a Neanderthal.  I’m pretty sure he’s right.

The first time he brought this up, I shrugged and nodded.  The dictionary definition of neanderthal (uncapitalized) includes descriptors like “primitive, unenlightened barbarian”.  Since I was in the process of licking the steak juice off my plate and had belched audibly a few minutes before, I could hardly argue.

But he wasn’t slamming my table manners, even though I deserved it.  (Did I ever mention that my husband is the most tolerant human being on the face of the earth?  The man deserves a medal for putting up with me.)

Turns out he meant Neanderthal with a capital N.  As in, “an extinct member of the Homo genus known from Pleistocene specimens found in Europe and parts of western and central Asia”, according to Wikipedia.

Neanderthals have been in the news quite a bit lately.  Scientists are beginning to think they (Neanderthals, not scientists) got freaky with so-called “modern man” (homo sapiens) ‘way back when.  Apparently, with the exception of Africans, everybody has at least 1 to 4 percent Neanderthal DNA.  Researchers postulate that it might be a lot more for some of us.  Like me, for instance.

What are a few Neanderthal traits?  Red hair.  Well, yeah.

Heavy bone structure.  When I went in for my baseline bone density exam about 7 years ago, the tech told me I had the hips of a 21-year-old.  So Hubby gets bragging rights for cavorting with a 21-year-old.  Or at least parts thereof.  Which actually sounds pretty creepy when you say it that way.

Particularly strong arms and hands. Um, yeah.  I tore some ligaments in my wrist a few years ago.  After two years of disuse followed by surgery, my grip strength was measured during physio, and it was at the lower end of average… if I was a man.  Off the charts for a woman.  I haven’t had it re-measured since I’ve recovered.  Hmmm.

More evidence:  Hubby and I never share illnesses.  We sleep in the same bed, exchange spit on a regular basis, and don’t make any effort to avoid each other if one of us is sick.  If he gets a cold or a flu, I won’t get it.  And vice versa.  He maintains that this is because he’s “modern man”, and I’m Neanderthal.

And then there’s the whole plate-licking, belching behaviour, along with the fact that I subscribe to the “Knock its horns off, wipe its ass, and chase it once across the grill” method of barbeque.  (Wish I knew where that quote came from).  Although I don’t want to have to apologize to my food when I eat it, I definitely prefer my steaks on the bloody side.

The good news is, Neanderthals weren’t as dumb as we initially thought.  Their brains were as large or larger than homo sapiens, and they probably had language and engaged in social rituals.  Obviously, I didn’t get the “social rituals” part of the DNA, but there’s hope.

The evidence is pretty strong.  So the next time I see the headline “Did Neanderthals have sex with modern man?”, I guess my only correct response is, “Hell, yeah.  Every chance I get.”

Maybe that’s why he puts up with me.

Any Neanderthals swinging in your family tree?

A Scholarly Treatise On The Care And Feeding Of Your Pet Author

/ Diane Henders / 14 Comments

Authors can be lovable and agreeable family pets.  Most are easily housebroken, though some may exhibit a disturbing tendency to piddle while absorbed in a particularly difficult bit of plotting or worldbuilding.  This is not a sign of aggression.  It is simply inattentiveness on the part of your author.  Gently but firmly insist that they take regular potty breaks, or, if this proves ineffective, place an adult diaper on the chair before they sit.  The author is unlikely to notice or object.

Authors are territorial by nature.  It is important to nip this behaviour in the bud.  Your author must learn that he or she is part of the household, and as such, must share the domain with the rest of the family.  However, your author will be happier and more relaxed if you allow him or her to have a “safe zone”.  If possible, provide your author with a small desk, and refrain from disturbing the area unless absolutely necessary.

Your author may begin to show possessiveness toward other areas of the house, usually by leaving behind droppings such as laptops, pens, papers, and so on.  If this happens, immediately remove the droppings, clean the area thoroughly, and relocate the droppings to the author’s safe zone.  Your author will soon learn that leaving droppings outside their own territory is unacceptable behaviour.

As with any pet, it is important for you to be vigilant about your author’s diet.  Authors will gobble almost any food they encounter in an effort to return to their safe zone and resume their natural writing behaviour as quickly as possible.  Be strict.  Your author’s health depends on it.  Although an unhealthy diet may seem harmless when your author is young, you will ultimately pay the price in medical bills as your author ages.

Regular exercise is important, too, but sadly, most authors resist almost any form of fresh air or exercise.  Some authors may be enticed to exercise if offered rewards such as the opportunity to work out with attractive and scantily-clad members of the opposite sex, however, this is by no means a sure-fire method.

Some owners report that they have successfully induced their authors to exercise by running away with the liquor bottle, forcing the author to chase them in order to retrieve it, but this strategy may ultimately result in hostile or aggressive behaviour on the part of your author.  This is an area in which you must apply your own creativity to find the best solution.

Many laypersons consider authors to be nocturnal creatures, but in fact, authors are capable of wakefulness at any hour of the day or night.  If the clicking of the keyboard disturbs your sleep at night, or if your author sleeps through important daytime events, it is possible to gradually adjust your author’s sleep rhythm to one that is more compatible with your household.

Begin by determining your author’s favourite treats.  These may include food, alcohol, or sexual favours, but be cautious in your use of the latter.  Nobody likes an overly-affectionate author, and many authors are incapable of the level of judgement required to discern appropriate public behaviour.

Regardless of the type of treat you choose, you must begin the conditioning process up to one-half hour before you want your author to retire for the night.  Gently direct your author’s attention to the treat (remember, it may be dangerous to startle an author who is deeply involved in writing behaviour).

Once you have engaged your author’s attention, lure him or her into the bedroom with the treat.  Then allow your author to enjoy the treat.  If your author tries to leave the bedroom afterward, offer subsequent treats until the author loses consciousness or falls asleep.  Repeat every night for at least twenty-one days, or until the new habit is established.  Note:  This method is only successful if you withhold the treat at all other times.

The keys to the entire training process are patience, firmness, and consistency.  Though keeping an author may seem an arduous chore at first blush, your efforts will ultimately be rewarded with long years of loyalty and affection, dedications in obscure books, and occasionally, royalties.

News:  I’m so excited!  I’ve got the cover art for my first four books, and the planned release date for the Kindle version of NEVER SAY SPY is October 15 (hopefully all versions will be released that day, but will know more soon).  Covers and book blurbs are here.

I Feel So… Versatile!

/ Diane Henders / 28 Comments

Update #2:  Thanks also to Chris9911 for another nomination on April 27/12.  I never get tired of praise!  And I will do another “7 things” post to catch up on my obligations – I promise.

Update:  Thank you also to Let’s CUT the Crap! over at How The Cookie Crumbles for a second nomination on January 13/12, and to RVingGirl on January 18/12!  I’m flattered, delighted, and… pushed for time, so it might be a while before I keep this circulating.  Meanwhile, here’s the post from my first nomination.

The Versatile Blogger AwardMany thanks to Nancy over at notquiteold for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger award!

As she points out in this post, when you do the math, it becomes apparent that within a very few iterations of this award, theoretically everybody in the blogosphere could receive this award.  Twice.

But I don’t care.  I’m pumped that she liked my blog enough to nominate me.

The rules are that if you accept this award, you are committed to the following conditions:

  1. Thank the person who shared the award with you by linking back to them in your post.
  2. List 7 things about yourself.
  3. Pass this award to 15 recently discovered blogs and let them know that you included them in your blog post.

Here goes:

  1. In the category of “awards that sound more prestigious than they actually are”, I won a silver medal in the 2003 team archery event at the Multi-Sites Indoor Championship of the Americas (MICA).  There weren’t a lot of participants, and the medal isn’t really silver.  It’s not even silver-plated.  But, hell, it’s in my drawer, and I’m proud of it.  Shortly thereafter, I was sidelined with a wrist injury.  It’s taken me a long time to get back into it, but I’m hoping to compete in some archery tournaments again this year.
  2. The only food I don’t like is black liquorice.  If I had to choose only one thing to consume for the rest of my life, it would be milk.
  3. I’m a car nut. I love to watch drag racing, and I’m in the process of rebuilding a 1953 Chevy 210 sedan.  The engine is done, but the body is waiting for a budget.  Has been for years.  Sigh.
  4. In my rare moments of spare time, I paint in oils or play the piano, both of which I do with more enthusiasm than talent.  Here’s one of my paintings:  Mountain and lake painting
    My talent level is the same for both painting and piano: I’m exactly good enough to realize how bad I am when compared to a real artist/pianist.  But hey, I have fun.
  5. I have a helpless, uncontrollable addiction to gardening.  I’m incapable of leaving a patch of dirt undisturbed.  I grow and preserve my own fruit and vegetables, and I make hard cider from the apples from my backyard tree.
  6. My MP3 player contains blues, rock, metal, country, barbershop quartets, classical voice and orchestra, Gregorian chants, folk, ragtime piano, reggae, jazz, and some stuff that I can’t even put a genre to.  I love it all.  The only music that makes me retch is the vapid, limp-wristed whining of 80s boy bands.
  7. I have worn a dress or skirt about nine times in the last thirty years.  Twice to get married (the first time didn’t take), once to my sister’s wedding, a couple of times to funerals, and a few times to black-tie parties.  I enjoy dressing up approximately as much as I enjoy listening to 80s boy bands.

Regarding Condition #3:  I follow tons of blogs, and my perennial favourites are in the blogroll at the right.  Here are the ones I’ve discovered most recently.  There aren’t fifteen in the list, but I’ve never been much good at obeying chain letter instructions.

Recipients, please treat this like the thinly-disguised chain letter it is. If you want to play along, great. If not, please accept my admiration for your writing, and ignore the conditions.

Here they are, in alphabetical order:

Big Ugly Man Doll – A fabulous males-eye view of marriage, parenting, and manhood.  Don’t miss ManFAQ Fridays.  And don’t drink hot beverages while reading (I learned that the hard way).

Carol Henders – Faith, inspiration, and recipes for yummy food.  How can you go wrong?  You wouldn’t believe it by our blogs, but we are actually sisters.  Carol, feel free to not link back to me.  You probably don’t want to do that to your readers.

De Libertas Quirkas – Since I’m a geek myself, I love Kavya’s engineering take on life.

Diana Murdock – Sometimes touching, sometimes raw, always thought-provoking.

Sierra Godfrey – A great sense of humour about writing and life in general.  Don’t miss her Friday Google Reader Roundup.  She also writes an excellent blog about design, communication, and usability here.

Me! Me! Me me me! – Is it a bird? Is it a plane?  No, it’s Aquatom!  Poetry, musings, and days in the life of a superhero.

Murrmurrs – You never know what you’re going to get with Murr Brewster.  From poop to politics, and everything in between (oh, wait, those aren’t actually that far removed), Murr says it loud and proud.  Her blog subtitle says it all:  “Snortworthy”.  And you will.  Oh, you will.

notquiteold– It doesn’t make a lot of sense to bounce this award back to the person who gave it to me, but I just discovered Nancy’s blog and I love it, so she’s going on the list.  If you’re looking for an irreverent take on life from somebody who’s getting better with experience, don’t miss this one.

Visiting Reality – Funny double entendres… and a disturbing fixation on camels.  Don’t miss Wednesday Hump Days.  Hell, don’t miss any of it.  Linda Grimes is a blast!

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As I look at this list of blogs, it’s apparent that music isn’t the only field in which I have eclectic taste.  Hope everyone finds something here to enjoy.

I’m A Hoer

/ Diane Henders / 19 Comments

I admit it.  I’m a hoer.  Now that the weather is beginning to cool off, I’ll soon pack it in for the winter, because it’s pretty much a fair-weather pastime for me.  But most nice warm days in the summer, you can find me by the side of the road, waving at all the passing cars.

A few weeks ago, I even caused an accident because drivers were gawking at me.  That’s no mean achievement, when you consider the fact that I was out in the middle of nowhere, and the average traffic load on that road is about one car an hour.

I’m talking, of course, about hoeing my garden.  Wait, what were you thinking…?

And before you ask, no, I wasn’t wearing anything gawk-worthy.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  Dirty, baggy jeans and T-shirt, with a too-big long-sleeved shirt over top, along with my white Stetson (I’m from Calgary, I can get away with it) and a pair of geeky sunglasses.

I have a big vegetable garden by the side of the road at our acreage outside town.  I don’t know what the protocol is these days, but when I grew up in the country, you waved to passing cars, whether you knew the driver or not.  So I waved, as usual.

Apparently, the two drivers were lost, and the one in front decided to stop and ask for directions at the same time as the one behind turned to wave at me.

Seconds later, there was a crash, and then I was gawping like an idiot at the sight of two cars mashed together on an abandoned gravel road in the middle of nowhere.  Pandemonium ensued as one of the passengers went into hysterics.

I’ve never actually witnessed hysterics in real life.  If I get a Chrysler suppository or some other unpleasant shock, I’m more the ‘swear-loudly-and-hit-something’ type.  So observing hysterics first-hand was… enlightening.

Fortunately, nobody was hurt, the drivers apparently remained friends, and the two cars limped off into the sunset.  I think I heard one of the drivers mutter something about giving up and going home.  I stood there, hoe in hand, feeling vaguely guilty about the whole thing.

I’ve heard that hoeing is a dangerous undertaking, and now I understand why.  So if you happen to pass a badly-dressed middle-aged woman working in her garden in the country, please don’t be offended if I don’t wave.

Just throw money.  I’m a hoer, after all.

Totally Freakin’ Inadequate

/ Diane Henders / 17 Comments

I’m still on the road this week, and maybe my bad hotel karma has finally run its course, because my hotel in Regina didn’t feature hookers, cattle, or rappelling nudists.

It did, however, make me wonder who makes the purchasing decisions in the hospitality industry.  I stayed in a king suite at a nice hotel (not on my own dime – you know I’m too cheap for that).  But despite the upscale surroundings, I felt… cheated.  Because this hotel, like most I’ve stayed in recently, apparently purchased their supplies from the Totally Freakin’ Inadequate Supply Company.

The low-flow shower head was so pathetic I had to stand under it for five minutes before I at last felt a trickle of water on my scalp.  Granted, I have long, thick hair, and it usually takes a few seconds before anything penetrates.  Some would argue that nothing ever penetrates, but that’s another story.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually quite rabid about conserving water.  I grew up on a farm where every drop of potable water was trucked in.  Most people think “bath night” is a tale from the dark ages, but on our farm, it meant two inches of water in the bottom of the bathtub.  The cleanest person went first, the dirtiest last.  I’m not even going to describe what the water looked like by the time five bodies had gone through.

But I digress.  My point is, I fully agree with water conservation, but you have to apply some logic.  It takes X amount of water to wash your hair.  If X is supplied in five minutes, that’s fine.  But if it takes ten minutes to supply X, you’ll be standing there for ten minutes.  You’re not saving water, you’re just wasting time.

The lighting underwhelmed me, too.  There are lots of good options available for compact fluorescent bulbs.  Sadly, the hotel didn’t choose any of them.  When I flipped the switch, nothing happened.  I assumed I’d hit the wrong switch, so I tried the other one.  Still nothing.  At last, the light flickered to life with a series of seizure-inducing flashes.  Not inadequate once it got going, but definitely disturbing.

The toilet paper was totally freakin’ inadequate.  They think they’re saving money by buying cheaper toilet paper?  I could see through the stuff.  Trust me, nobody is ever going to use only three squares of single-ply, micron-thin toilet paper.  Ever.

The towels, too, failed the adequacy test.  At home, I call that size a “hand towel”.  That’s because it fits hands nicely.  Not bodies.  At least, not this body.

But what do I know?  Maybe their target market is bald, constipated midgets with excellent night vision and no tendency toward epilepsy.  It’s all about niche marketing these days.

So here’s my question.  Why spend money on high quality furnishings, and then cheap out on the things that, frankly, guests notice more than the tub and tile?  Half price is nice, but there’s no actual cost saving when you have to use twice as much.  And it annoys the hell out of the folks like me.

But maybe I’m just cranky because my fingers went through the toilet paper.  Again.

Sorry for my tardiness in responding to comments this week.  I’m helping my step-mom after her breast cancer surgery, and I haven’t had much time for blogging or visiting anybody else’s blogs, either.  I hope to be back to my usual routine soon.  Thanks for sticking with me!  🙂

Manitoba Chinese At The Paris

/ Diane Henders / 7 Comments

I’m posting this from Regina, Saskatchewan, partway through another 14-hour drive from Calgary to Manitoba.  Being on the road again has made me think of the Paris Café in Gladstone, Manitoba.  It’s been about 12 years since I visited the Paris, but the internet assures me it’s still in operation, so I plan to check it out again.

Gladstone, population 802 (don’t underestimate the importance of the 2), is a typical prairie town with a rail line through the middle of it.  Most small prairie towns have a Chinese food joint, left over from the days when Chinese labourers pushed the railway across the prairies.  Appropriately, the inexplicably-named Paris Café (Chinese and American cuisine) snuggles up to the railway track.

I don’t know exactly when the Paris was built, but I’m going guess it was around the early 1900s.  There are only a few feet between the wall of the wooden building and the sides of passing trains, and the dishes rattle precariously on the shelves as the deafening rumble drowns out all conversation.

The most exciting feature of the Paris is the view.  If you happen to be looking out the front window when the train is coming, you’d swear you’re about to be run down.  The oncoming tracks are slightly curved, and the train looks like it’s bearing down directly on the building.

Another endearing feature of the Paris is that the entire building slopes noticeably toward the railway tracks.  So much so, in fact, that when you’re sitting in one of the bench seats, you have to cram a sweater under one butt cheek so you’re not straining your back to stay vertical.

As you may know, I talk about my bathroom experiences frequently*, so I would be remiss if I didn’t describe the bathroom.  It was clearly added some time after the building was built, but before the building code got too stringent.

Let’s just say it’s a little cramped.  The door swings inward, so it’s an exercise in flexibility to get into the bathroom and shimmy around the edge of the door to close it behind you.  There’s a large notch cut out of the edge of the door around hip-height, because that’s the only way the door could get by the sink.  This leaves a significant hole in the door when it’s closed, but what the heck, it’s a small town.  If you got caught peeking, you’d never live it down.

The toilet has been installed using as little space as physically possible.  The edge of the seat is inches away from the wall.  This makes it impossible to sit the usual way, so you have to perch side-saddle.  It wouldn’t be so bad if the toilet seat was securely attached.  I won’t tell you how I discovered that it wasn’t.

I promised I wouldn’t tell any gross stories this week, and I won’t.  Last time I was there, the miniscule bathroom was scrupulously clean, and the food was good.

But the best part was the atmosphere.

Anybody else have a favourite small-town restaurant experience?

Gladstone’s mascot, Happy Rock. Get it?

*Hangin’ in the Men’s WC, Toilet Trepidation: Number One, Toilet Trepidation: Number Two

Toilet Trepidation: Number Two

/ Diane Henders / 15 Comments

Warning:  If you have a weak stomach, don’t read this.  Come back next week instead.  I promise not to tell any gross stories then.

———————————————

Last week, I mentioned a few reasons for my troubled relationship with toilets.  I have more.

You may think that having to use an ancient outhouse in childhood would be enough to leave me with an antipathy toward outhouses.  Not so.  That came later.

When I was a teenager, I volunteered at a children’s summer camp in the Lake of the Woods area around Kenora, Ontario.  I’m not exactly sure why I did this, because kids in large numbers tend to make me run screaming.  Fortunately, I was the archery director, not a counsellor.  My only responsibility was to keep the archery equipment repaired and prevent the kids from shooting each other.  Or us.

One day, I was sitting with a few of the counsellors when a six-year-old dashed up to us, screaming the words of doom:  “Shawna’s down the biffy hole!”

A volley of sidelong glances between the camp staff, accompanied by mutters of, “Not MY kid.”

The unfortunate soul who was responsible for Shawna rushed to the scene of the disaster.  I heard about it later, and that was as close as I cared to come.

Apparently, Shawna had dropped a candy down the hole.  She wanted to see if she could see the candy.  Don’t ask me why.  The logic of kids eludes me.  But it was dark down there, so she got her flashlight.  Apparently Shawna had grip issues or something, because she dropped the flashlight as well.

Horrified that she’d lost her father’s new flashlight, she delegated one of her six-year-old friends to hold her by the ankles while she retrieved the flashlight.  Guess the other kid had grip issues, too.

On the up side, I think Shawna must have had a pretty good life since then.  Getting dropped head-first into a pile of shit is probably about the worst thing that’s going to happen in her lifetime.  Nice to get that out of the way early.

And speaking of getting things out of the way…

Many moons ago, I lived in residence at Tache Hall at the University of Manitoba.  Communal bathrooms were down the hall.  About once a week, I’d find an enormous mound cresting out of the water in the toilet bowl.  I’m not sure whether the Phantom Shitter didn’t know how to flush, or whether he/she was simply so proud of the pile that they wanted the rest of us to be able to admire it, too.

Or, what do I know?  Maybe it was a team effort.  There were some sick puppies living there.

I used to have a recurring dream.  In my dream, I needed to go to the bathroom.  But every bathroom I found had something terribly wrong with it.  I couldn’t find the toilets.  Or the toilets were overflowing.  Or the cubicle walls ended at knee-height.  Or I started to use the toilet and discovered that it was leaking all over me.  It was an utterly repulsive dream.

When I looked it up on a dream-interpretation site, it said toilets are symbolic of expressing or repressing emotions, or that these types of dreams might have indicated I was afraid of what people thought of me.  Or something.

I’m not so sure.

I think it was probably just a flashback.

Anybody else have that dream?