Archives

Crazy Plant Lady
I’ve mentioned before that I have a major addiction to houseplants; and like most addicts, I didn’t realize how bad it was until I started to recover. (Okay, that’s a lie. I’m not recovering; it’s just that the realtor has staged an intervention and I’m pretending to go along with it. Shhh, don’t tell.) Read more

Screen Crud
I was typing merrily away when I saw it: a renegade period in the middle of my sentence. I backspaced to delete it but even after my cursor passed by, it remained impudently in place. What the…? Read more

Flipping The Bird
It’s a tradition; a universal gesture of fellowship and goodwill that never fails to cause indigestion at the very least and a full-blown coronary at the worst. I’m referring, of course, to the practice of “flipping the bird”, and it’s something I offer my family and friends at least twice a year; sometimes more frequently. Read more

Eat The Gawkers
So we’ve listed our house for sale. Seasoned veterans of home-selling, feel free to poke fun at me now ‘cause I’m a complete newbie to this. And y’know what? It’s a seriously weird process. Read more

Just Letting The Weird Out
All my life I’ve been a weirdo-magnet: If there are weirdos anywhere in the vicinity, they’ll unerringly seek me out and attach themselves to me. (Sometimes literally – more on that later.) Read more

Riding The Blue Unicorn
For the past few days I’ve been riding the Blue Unicorn. No, that isn’t a kinky sex act (though it sounds like it should be); nor have I been eating funny mushrooms. I promise it’s safe to read on! Read more

No Pressure…
The past week just flew by while we were on Vancouver Island! Stress levels were high, but fortunately even the things that seemed catastrophic at the time turned out okay in the end. Y’know; small details like our lawyer informing us that a few hundred thousand dollars of our cash had apparently vanished into thin air. Read more

Highway Thru Hell
Hubby and I are on the road again in the first part of our adventure in moving to the west coast. It’s been, um… eventful. Read more

Let The Freak-Out Begin
We did it! We got the property I mentioned last week, and we’re moving to Vancouver Island! Woohoo! …Let the freak-out begin. Read more

Mad Cow!
No, I’m not referring to myself in the title of this post, even though I have been known to act like a total cow on occasion and I’m more or less permanently barking mad, especially after the past couple of highly-stressful weeks. Read more

What Colour Is The Sky In Your World?
We’re travelling again this week, so my usual routine is off-kilter. Read more

Trolling For Cars
Every twenty years or so, I subject myself to a painful and annoying ordeal. It’s that time of the vicennium again, and yes, I’m navigating the perilous waters of car shopping. So far I’ve battled new car dealers sharks, used car salesmen morays, and private sellers bottom-feeders. Read more

Anti-Ant
I was enjoying a quiet cup of tea on our back deck the other day when I felt it: The distinct sensation of six tiny feet scuttling across my skin. Sure enough, an ant had decided to traverse my mountainous foot instead of going around it like a sensible creature. That ant achieved low-earth orbit about a second later. Read more

Butt Of The Joke
…Or maybe ‘joke of the butt’ would be a more appropriate title. Yes, I had a colonoscopy last week, and an upper GI scope at the same time – I suspect they shook hands in the middle. Read more

The Closet Reveal
Thanks to everybody who took at guess at which items weren’t in my closet last week! It was lots of fun (and occasionally slightly disturbing) to read all the guesses and the reasoning behind them. Read more

Peek Into My Closet
A few months ago I mentioned I had run across a list of impromptu speech topics for kids. It amused me, so I hung onto it for potential inspiration. Read more

Disgusting Butt Mounds
So tell me: When you read the title of this post, what was your mental image? Read more

Self-Driving Auto-Paranoia
A couple of days ago I discovered an article about how and when a self-driving car should be programmed to injure or kill its passengers. It’s an alarming proposition, but it’s actually a valid point: if the car has to choose between wiping out ten pedestrians or only its driver, simple logic says it should choose the lesser number of casualties. But the realization that my future vehicle may be plotting to kill me makes me just a wee bit mistrustful of technology. Read more

Give Me Air!
I used to be much tougher; but the older I get, the more I enjoy the comfort of modern conveniences. Yep, I’m turning into an elderly wimp. Read more

Beating The Bean Breeze
Sometimes I just don’t think things through the way I should. For example, the other day I had beans for lunch… a few hours before going for a massage. Read more

Zen, Shmen.
Sometimes a lifetime of voracious reading is an advantage; other times, not so much. On the upside, as long as I have a book (or newspaper or magazine or propaganda pamphlet or even a shampoo bottle with text on the label) I’ll never be bored. Read more

Corrupting The Dragon
*F-BOMB ALERT* This post contains a non-comprehensive list of swearwords and assorted vulgarities.
When my nieces and nephews were young, I expended quite a bit of effort censoring my language while they were present. When they finally became adults, I breathed a giant sigh of relief and promptly shocked the shit out of them when I reverted to my normal vocabulary. Read more

Sordid Chocolate Mousse
As you’ve probably guessed if you’ve read my books, I’m a foodie – I love to eat, try new foods, and cook. Although when things go awry the way they did this week, well… not so much. Read more

The Spandex Menace
I just got back from another road trip, and I feel it’s my duty to warn everyone about the threat I discovered while travelling: stretch pants. They may feel comfy, but the truth is that those spandex tubes are plotting against our health and fitness. Read more

What’s That Rusty Colour?
A few years ago I confessed my lack of regard for fine distinctions in paint colour, and I should have known it would come back to bite me in the ass. Read more

Riffing On The ‘Raff
Every now and then reality smacks me upside the head and shouts, “Hey, get a clue!” This has been one of those weeks. Read more

How To Be A Slacker
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
My internet research frequently goes off into the weeds and/or down rabbit holes, so I wasn’t particularly surprised the other day when I found myself reading a list of impromptu speech topics. Read more

Subversive Shorts
I was chatting with my nephew about university and its associated hi-jinks, and he mentioned Bermuda Shorts Day. It’s been an end-of-term tradition at University of Calgary since the 1960s, but there was a kerfuffle this year because the administrators prohibited the campus pub from serving alcohol during the event. My mind boggled. It’s a university end-of-year party and they’re shutting down the pub?!? Read more

Hedge-Sabres And Sky-Mice
We watched Star Wars Episode VII a few days ago. I’m not a rabid Star Wars fan, yet I still found myself re-enacting the epic lightsabre battle in my front yard for the amusement (or possibly bemusement) of the neighbours. Read more

Coastal Cogitations
I’m on vacation this week! We’re on Vancouver Island, and I’m enjoying both the change of scenery and the change of pace. My senses seem sharpened by the glorious sea air that smells so good I could make a meal of it. Sometimes the enhanced sensory experience is wonderful; sometimes, erm… not so much. Here are my observations to date: Read more

Ping-Pong Brain
It’s a small feather-weight sphere containing nothing but air, and it ricochets wildly off hard surfaces (such as the inside of my skull) at approximately Mach 2. Yep, I’ve got Ping-Pong Brain. Read more

A Sticky Situation
Adhesives hate me. No matter how they’re ‘guaranteed to stick’, I’ll somehow create a situation in which they won’t. Or they’ll stick exactly long enough to lull me into believing they’re set, and then fall apart. Or worse, they’ll create an unbreakable bond at the wrong moment, in the wrong place, and with the most unpleasant consequences possible. Read more

Serious, For Once
(Don’t worry, this is a temporary aberration. I promise I’ll be back to my usual foolishness next week.) I try to avoid being serious whenever possible, but my father-in-law lost his battle with cancer last Thursday so I’m not quite myself this week. We knew his time was getting short so we were able to say our goodbyes, but many people aren’t so lucky. The following is a post I wrote ‘way back in 2013. I didn’t share it at the time because it was more solemn than I generally like to be, but today it seems fitting. Read more

What’s Your Hippie Name?
This week’s post comes to you with many thanks to @glbryant, whom you will likely recognize as one of my dedicated commenters on this blog. Last week he emailed me to say he was re-reading Book 10 in preparation for the release of Book 11, and he’d realized all over again how absolutely irritating one of the characters was. (Fortunately I had intended Tyler Brock to be annoying.) Read more

My Life’s A Thriller
The weeks leading up to a new release are always stressful for me – so much to do! So little time! And after spending the last five years immersed in writing, I’ve developed a few habits that spill over into my ‘real’ life (such as it is). For example, the habit of building as much tension as possible into even the smallest events. Read more

…And That’s My Cover Story
Woohoo! The cover art and blurb for Book 11 are finished! As with any process where I’m involved, there have been some giggles along the way. Read more

Size Does Matter
Well, it had to happen. After a couple of months in which my daily life provided no trouser-snake humour whatsoever, the unnatural clean streak has finally broken. This week provided a veritable plethora of penises. A cornucopia of cocks. A deluge of dicks; a wealth of wangs; a surfeit of schlongs… Oh, okay, fine; so it was actually only two minor references. But that’s more than enough to get me started. Read more

…And They Say Romance Is Dead…
Many thanks to my blogging buddy, Tom Merriman, for inviting everyone to participate in his February blogging theme. Since Valentine’s Day is coming up fast, it seemed like a perfect fit for today’s post. Read more

Winter Is Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest
Well, the groundhogs have spoken, and I choose to believe them even though their accuracy rate has only been about 37% in the past. (It’s still better than random chance, which is 33% according to an internet article I found… but then again, statistics are made up on the spot about 80% of the time.) Read more

That Turkey Neck Seems Glad To See Me…
Warning: This post may leave you with a permanent aversion to turkey necks… or perhaps an unhealthy attraction to them. Read more

Search Engine Junkie
I love hearing from my fans, and a recent letter asked whether the facts in my books came from my personal experience, and/or how much research I generally do. That gave me a rueful giggle, because it revealed yet another variety of my kryptonite. Read more

Missed It By That Much!
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Usually I begin a post with a topic in mind and end up digressing all over the place, but today I thought I’d try something different: I’m going to begin with the digression and (hopefully) end up on topic. Read more

Want Some Cheese With Your Kryptonite?
Happy New Year! I missed you! Read more

A Very Vampire Solstice-mas
Woohoo! We’ve made it past the shortest day! I always feel better when we’re on the upswing and I know I’ll be getting more light every day. (As opposed to ‘getting lighter’, which I definitely won’t be doing unless I stop devouring Christmas goodies.) Read more

It’s A Dilemma…
Sometimes I struggle with a bit of a dilemma. I’m not good at interpreting the subtleties of social interactions, so I’m never quite sure whether people are genuinely glad to see me or just being polite. It doesn’t help that I live in Canada, where we’re polite to even idiots and assholes. I never know which of those I am. Read more

A Mashup Of (Mostly) Food
(Don’t worry, it’s safe to read this. I promise it’s not about gross squished food.) Read more

They’re Watching Me
My last illusion of privacy has been shattered. I knew government agencies watch us online and our phone companies track our whereabouts and aliens (or possibly my friends) are monitoring my bathroom habits… but I could always depend on the utter cluelessness of spammers. Read more

Guilty!
Yesterday I was out for a walk when I came upon a fire truck parked by the curb. There was clearly no emergency; the truck wasn’t running and there were no flashing lights. So naturally I watched for firemen as I got closer. After all, what red-blooded woman wouldn’t take advantage of a gratuitous gawk? Read more

A Blast From The Past
A few weeks ago I mentioned that I’d risked life and limb by cleaning out the fridge and reorganizing my bin of plastic containers. Well, pshaw. That was nothing. Read more

Lest We Forget
Remembrance Day is a solemn day for me. I have a niece and a nephew in the Canadian Armed Forces and I’m immensely proud of them, but at the same time it makes me ill to think they might be called upon to sacrifice their lives. Read more

A Mix Of New Feces
When I read the headline “Liberal cabinet expected to be a mix of new feces”, it seemed like the perfect title for this post. I’ve had some oddball items burbling around in my mind for a while, so this is a perfect opportunity to mix them up and erm… eliminate them. Read more

Fear Factor: Freaky Edition
Halloween is only a few days away, so it’s time for the final edition of Fear Factor. Today’s post is about two events that gave me the shivers even though I found reasonable explanations for them… kinda… sorta. Read more

Fear Factor: Adrenaline Edition
If I stick to the classic ‘Fear Factor’ format, this post should be about fear-defying stunts. I generally try to avoid doing those, but into every life a little adrenaline must drip (or, in my case, surge like a tidal bore). So I asked myself, “What are the scariest things I’ve ever experienced?” Read more

Fear Factor: Creepy-Crawly Edition
No Fear Factor would be complete without a few creepy-crawlies, so here we go: Read more

Bouchercon Special: Free E-Books
I’m honoured to have been one of the mystery/crime/thriller authors selected to promote Smashwords at Bouchercon 2015, the world mystery convention being held this weekend in Raleigh, NC. Read more

Fear Factor: Kitchen Edition
This week I embarked on a perilous mission. One that forced me to confront the darkest places in my soul. An epic crusade requiring nerves and stomach of steel. Yes, I cleaned out the vegetable drawer in the fridge. Read more

The Terrifying ‘Bearrot’
My mind goes strange places when I’m half-awake (or half-asleep, depending on whether you’re a glass-half-full or glass-half-empty type of person). So it didn’t really surprise me when halfway through my shower, my brain announced, “Parrots! We should write a post about parrots!” Read more

Ears Like A Fruit Bat
In the past I’ve complained about various parts of my body starting to mutiny as I get older, so I thought I should give credit where credit is due: My ears are still loyal citizens of the Kingdom of Diane. Read more

Attack Of The Killer T… Oh, Wait; That’s Been Done.
They’re coming. They slowly fill our house like an inexorable tide, backing us into the corners while we battle them with knives and saucepans… Read more

Games With Whipped Cream
It all started with whipped cream and a devilish grin… Read more

Cremation, Cucurbits, And Coc… Erm… ‘Roosters’
This week’s silliness comes to you courtesy of my friend and long-suffering employee, David, who went to considerable effort to snap the following photo for me: Read more

Snow And Shrinkage
So it snowed on Friday. Yes, in mid-August. Read more

It’s A Fine Line…
People often ask me about my creative process, so I thought it might be helpful to provide an illustration of the exact process that went into creating last week’s post. Voilà: My Creative Process. Read more

Nostril-damus Speaks
I had a great idea for today’s blog post, but by the time I got up from the breakfast table I’d forgotten it. Seriously. One minute I was thinking, “Oh, that’ll make a good blog post”, and the next minute… Read more

It’s A Conspiracy!
I’ve long suspected that my body has it in for me. I’ve mentioned a few of its subversive attacks in previous posts: Read more

The Scariest Word: ‘Oops!’
A couple of weeks ago I was scooping ice cream out of a one-gallon pail when my hand slipped and a gob of ice cream hurtled across the kitchen to land on the floor. Not surprisingly, I yelped, “Whoa! Shit!” Read more

A Clean Post
As my blogging buddy Sue Slaght pointed out last week, you know you’ve hit the big time when one of your blog posts gets banned. Apparently WordPress flagged last week’s post as ‘likely inappropriate’ and blocked it from their Reader application. Well, dang. Read more

Werewolf Porn Star
Well, it’s been an interesting week on the blog. After doing back-to-back posts featuring scrotums and syphilis, I fully expected to find some, erm… unique search terms in my blog stats. Read more

Crazy Cones And Cockroaches
Yaaaa-hoooo!! It’s Stampede Week here, and the usual happy insanity reigns. Read more

Scrotums Rule! …Or Not.
Last week I mentioned that I hadn’t misread anything in a long while. Clearly that statement tempted fate, and fate was quick to retaliate. Read more

Bad Moon Rising
I was sitting at the breakfast table mulling over topics for today’s post when it happened. To be honest, I wasn’t particularly shocked. I’d been half-expecting something bad. Read more

Putting The ‘Real’ In Real Estate
One of my hobbies is shopping for land. It’s a bit of a pipe dream since it’s so expensive around Calgary, but I keep looking just in case there’s a bargain out there. Hey, if it made sense, it wouldn’t be a hobby, right? Read more

Un/Lucky?
Last week I got together with four friends for our annual overnight in Banff, the most beautiful tourist trap in the Canadian Rockies. We had a great time as always… but I couldn’t decide whether my luck was good or bad. Read more

Beware The Sock Imps
I’ve just realized socks are the handiwork of evil. Not big bad eat-your-soul-for-breakfast evil; but something smaller and more mischievous, like imps. Think about it: No other garment causes as much annoyance. Read more

Hot Cars And Warm Memories
Woohoo! The new cover for Book 2: THE SPY IS CAST is finally ready! Playing with the Audi R8 was fabulous, and it brought back memories, too. Read more

I’m Such A Snotty Princess
Hubby brought home a cold last week. As I mentioned several years ago, we generally don’t share viruses because I’m probably a Neanderthal, but this one seems to have targeted the weaker homo sapiens part of my genetic makeup. Read more

A Super Pickle Tickle
Last week I asked if anybody else was harbouring unusual mementos in their home. My blogging buddy Carrie Rubin stepped up to the plate (pun intended) with her Super Pickle, and kindly offered to let me use him in a blog post: Read more

It’s The Cat’s Ass
Last year I mentioned that my home is a repository for creepy and disturbing items. But I also have a number of things that aren’t exactly creepy, but nevertheless indicate to the world that the inhabitants of this house are just not quite… normal. Read more

I Love My Job!
I’m always alert for research opportunities, and this week I was rewarded beyond my wildest dreams. Read more

Beetle Chips And Other Stories
I was probably too young to remember when my mother admonished me not to eat bugs, but I’m sure she must have. I really would have preferred to follow her advice. Read more

Random Thoughts From A Fried Brain
I’ve been completely immersed in changing over all my domains to a new hosting provider this week. It was an immensely complicated and time-consuming affair, fraught with stress over recreating four websites and about 50 email accounts without losing any connections or having any website downtime. Somewhat to my own surprise I emerged victorious yesterday, and I still even have most of my hair. Enough to hide the places where I yanked chunks out, anyway. Read more

Automotive Heaven Can Wait
Last week I was in automotive heaven… and it turned out to be more of a pain in the butt than I’d anticipated. Read more

Dental Daftness
So I went to the dentist this week… Wait, don’t run away! If you get the willies just thinking about dental procedures, I promise I’m not going to describe any scary stuff. But I did manage to look foolish and give myself the giggles. Read more

I Fear The Eagle
I don’t know why, but the Internal Revenue Service strikes fear into my heart. It’s weird. I mean, hell, I’m Canadian. Read more

Where’s Diane?
I’m on vacation! Can you guess where? Read more

Rude Awakenings
My husband deserves a medal. Not just for putting up with me on a daily basis (which in itself is medal-worthy), but for daring to sleep in the same bed as me. That’s an undertaking for none but a brave man. Read more

Great Balls Of Portent
Every now and then I think to myself, “Diane, maybe it’s time you grew up. Seriously, you’re a fifty-year-old woman. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped snickering at farts and tasteless double entendres? Even teenagers aren’t as dirty-minded as you.” Read more

Public Menace #1
I like to think I’m a relatively harmless and competent person. I’m not much of a threat to public safety unless I’m forced to listen to the vapid warblings of 80s boy bands (but no jury would convict me for doing whatever was necessary to escape such a horrible fate). Read more

I Got Ten Inches Last Weekend
Like so many of my inappropriate stories, it all started in the pub with the usual suspects on Friday evening. Read more

Funny As A Turnip
A few weeks ago I noted in passing that some vegetables are funnier than others. So that got me thinking about the innate amusement value of produce. Read more

So I Booked A Photo Session…
Yes, this is the beginning of a joke. Last week I decided to set up a photo session, with predictable results: Read more

Um… Hello, 911…?
…I think I just killed my husband… with a bathtub… Read more

Code Phrases And Cauliflower
Before I begin, I’d like to note that I generally don’t criticize a man who’s washing dishes. I believe the correct response to a dishcloth-wielding male is a sincere ‘thank you’, possibly combined with hugs, kisses, ear-nibbling, and/or some friendly groping. (An aside to my dinner guests: This is why we turn down your offers to help with the dishes. It’s just one more little way we ensure we’ll still be friends when the evening’s over.) Read more

Meanwhile, Inside My Brain…
Another cartoon. See it

Cow Farts And Doobies
Hubby and I were discussing cow farts the other day. We didn’t suddenly turn to each other at the dinner table and exclaim, “Cow farts!” No; our conversation actually began as a semi-serious discussion of global warming. It’s just that whenever I’m present, the conversation tends to go rapidly sideways. Read more

Thanks For Another Good Year!
It’s hard to believe we’ll be starting a new year tomorrow – this one has flown by so fast! I had originally planned to write some of my usual foolishness today, but instead I’d rather use this final post of 2014 to say thank you to all of you. Read more

Season’s Greetings!
I finished the final draft of Book 9, SPY HIGH, on Sunday and the first beta reader is already finished – woohoo! Now I’m looking forward to a week of family, food, and festivities. Merry Christmas if you celebrate it, and general merriness to you if you don’t!

Is That A Snake In Your Pocket Or…?
Last week in the news this headline confronted me: “A Sandwich, A Snake, And A SNAFU: How Things Went Wrong At A Saskatoon Tim Horton’s”. And I just couldn’t resist the opportunity to put it into a blog post. Read more

Virtual Cookie Exchange
We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to bring you… cookies! And fudge! And snackables! Read more

Alcoholity 101
Though I generally avoid religious and political discussions, today I’d like to introduce you to a widely-practiced but poorly-documented religion: Alcoholity. As a practicing member, I think it’s important to spread the Holy Word so that Alcoholity can be given the rights and recognition it deserves. Read more

True Confessions
I just finished confessing to a complete lack of literary sophistication over on my blogging buddy Carrie Rubin’s latest post, and it got me thinking (always a dangerous thing). And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I lack taste in most areas. Read more

Cockeyed And Crazy
Various people have suggested that my grip on sanity is tenuous at best, perhaps because I tend to zone out and mutter at random moments while I wrestle with plot problems, but mostly because of my tendency to risk unnecessary bodily harm. Usually I just disregard their reality and cheerfully substitute my own, but lately my state of denial has been harder to maintain. Read more

Prickly Neighbours
I’m not a talented travel writer like my blogging buddy Sue Slaght, but here’s what we’re doing this week: Read more

It’s Gonna Be A Long Winter
Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when we question our sanity in living where we do. Read more

Beware: Killer Raisins
By now everybody knows I suffer from what I prefer to call ‘attention-deficit dyslexia’ (because it sounds better than ‘I read too fast and my twisted brain spits out weird stuff’). Read more

Something Wicked This Way Comes
They’re coming for us. Leathery features twisted in horrifying grimaces. Glistening eyeballs barely contained in lidless sockets. Grotesque warty protuberances erupting from wrinkled reptilian skin. Read more

Slime! You’re Eye Candy!
That was the sign that confronted me as I left the optometrist’s office yesterday: “Slime! You’re eye candy!” Read more

I Went Out And Got Pithed
No, I haven’t begun to lithp. I did actually mean ‘pithed’. Getting pissed would have been a whole lot more fun. Read more

Dear Truckers…
Dear Truckers, I just got back from driving another 2,400 km trip across the Canadian prairies, and now I’m sad. Read more

Hey, Brain, Stop Eating Beans!
I must be consuming a high-fibre intellectual diet, because I’ve been having an awful lot of brain farts lately. Read more

Wait, Wha…?!?
I’ve had one of those weeks where it seems as though the rest of the world is conspiring to make me say, “Wait, wha…?!?” Read more

Only In My World
I’m a weirdness magnet. Read more

Dear Autumn…
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Dear Autumn, I’m not quite sure how to tell you this. Read more

Doing The Crabapple Tango
Don’t worry, it’s safe to read this post – the Crabapple Tango is nothing like the Green Apple Two-Step. I won’t even mention diarrhea. (Okay, technically I just did, but that’s all for this post.) Most people have probably never heard of the Crabapple Tango, but anyone with a fruit tree knows what I’m talking about. Read more

…In Which I Go Soak My Head
I didn’t even know the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge was a ‘thing’ until my sister nominated me (read ‘bullied me into it’). Read more

Stop The Fashion Presses!
I wrote this very late last night and I wasn’t quite sober at the time. Consider yourselves warned… Read more

Karma’s Dicking With Me
As you may know, I’ve got a big birthday coming up next week. So since my friend Swamp Butt also turned fifty a couple of weeks ago, we decided to get the gang together and go to the mountains for a joint birthday bash. Read more

How Do You Like My New Piercing?
A couple of days ago I exercised such iron self-control you’d be amazed. Despite tremendous temptation, I acted like a normal well-mannered adult, which we all know is a wholly unnatural state for me. Read more

A Grizzly Attempt At Humour
I made a scary discovery this past weekend. Read more

Hubby’s Got A Big Deck
I mentioned last year that Hubby had gotten a deck enlargement kit and we were very happy with the results, but this week he surprised me with an even bigger deck! Read more

The Battle Of The Keep (A True Story)
We shouldn’t have left the keep unguarded. But we did. Read more

Hello From Planet Innuendo
Apparently Mercury was retrograde from June 7 to July 1, which astrologers say is supposed to cause general chaos. I don’t know much about astrology, but if there’s a planet that governs accidental double entendres, it’s definitely exerting its influence this week. Read more

Canadian, Eh?
Yesterday was Canada Day, so just for fun I’m going to ‘speak Canadian’: Read more

Farewell To A Faithful Friend
I’m about to get maudlin over a vehicle, so if you’d rather have some chuckles today, why not go and check out my very first official blog post, Bad Hotel Karma? I’ll be back to my usual silliness next week. Read more

I’m Doomed
Another cartoon today. See it

Weapons Of Ass Destruction
So, this morning I was thinking about toilet paper. (Never mind what I was doing at the time.) And it occurred to me that toilet paper is the keystone to civilized behaviour in the western hemisphere. Read more

Progress…
A couple of days ago when I was lying helpless in a small dark room with a couple of dozen needles stuck in various parts of my body, I began to reflect on the state of modern medical science. Read more

And That Was My Week
The week after I finish a book is always interesting. During the final stages, I’m so immersed in writing that everything else just… goes away. Including my brain. And it hasn’t come back yet. Read more

Chair Demons
I’d like to think it’s not just me. Doesn’t everybody harbour a few items in their home which, when considered out of context (which is to say, ‘by any sane human being’), are just a little… um… creepy? Read more

The Secret Of Happiness…
I’m pushing to finish Book 8 this week and I don’t have any wordpower (or brain power) to spare, so it’s cartoon time. See it

Snow Fun
For those who weren’t privy to my whining on Facebook this weekend, we just had a foot of snow. Read more

Baby, Duck!
This weekend I was treated to a blast from the past. We invited friends over for dinner, and one couple arrived bearing a bottle of Baby Duck. Read more

Brain Salad
(I promise this isn’t another post about zombies, despite the title.)  So… occasionally I make Tilt Soup. It never tastes the same twice, and the recipe is as follows: ‘Tilt the fridge and whatever falls out goes into the soup’. Read more

Beef Is A Vegetable
Yes, it’s true. Beef is a vegetable, and today I’m going to give you a logical explanation as to why that’s so. Read more

Zombie Bullets
Prepare for the impending zombiepocalypse! Read more

Dancin’ Fool
Well, I did it. Fortunately I’ve never been terribly attached to my dignity. Yes; this weekend, after only ten lessons, I got up and attempted to belly-dance in front of a (mercifully small) audience. It didn’t begin well. Read more

Ouch!
Last week one of my blogging buddies, Carl D’Agostino, posted this cartoon. I commented, “Ow, ow, ow! Sewed through my own finger once, long ago. My sympathies are entirely with Ed.” To which Carl replied, “Hey, that would make a great post.” Read more

Feeling Green
The green stain has worn off my upper lip at last, and I’m here to tell you that a meal consisting of green beer and jalapeno-loaded nachos is extremely unkind to the digestive system. Johnny Cash had obviously consumed that meal the night before he sang about the burning ring of fire. Read more

Talking Plants
For years, scientists have debated whether plants communicate. They hook electrodes up to their leaves to measure changes in electrical conductivity and then argue about whether those fluctuations constitute “communication”. Hell, they could have just asked me. Plants talk to me all the time. It’s getting them to shut up that’s the problem. Read more

Confessions Of A Vegas Swinger
I’m going to make an embarrassing confession, and I hope you won’t lose respect for me when I reveal my dark secret. It’s something nobody would suspect of me. In fact, it’s so secret, even I didn’t know about it. Read more

Revolting!
My sense of humour has been somewhat impaired by yet another dose of frigid -29 degree weather this week, so I decided to go back to the good old standbys that make me laugh no matter what: wordplay and fart jokes. Read more

I Survived V-Day!
It’s probably not what you’d expect to hear from a married woman, but I’m happy to have made it through Valentine’s Day. Read more

Belly-Dance: That’ll Teach Me
As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I’m taking a beginner belly-dance class. It has been a tremendous learning experience, despite the fact that I have absolutely no natural aptitude for it. Read more

How To… Oooh, Shiny!
A cartoon, just for a change of pace. See it

Snake And Mayonnaise
Yes, that title does actually read ‘Snake And Mayonnaise’. That’s what I thought I saw on a poster not long ago. You guessed it – I’ve been misreading words as usual. Read more

Shakin’ It Up
I like to try something new every now and then, so this year I decided to take “shaking it up” literally. Yes, I signed up for belly-dancing classes. I do not expect this to contribute in any way to building my self-esteem or maintaining what little dignity I possess. Read more

Gassy And Shy
You’d think ‘Gassy and Shy’ might be a comedy duo like ‘Beavis and Butthead’ or ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’, but it’s not. It’s… (drumroll please) …one of my delightful spammers! Yes, today I’m offering another succulent serving of Spam Casserole. Read more

Passport Photo Purgatory
This weekend Hubby and I went for passport photos. Yikes! Read more

Retroactive Weirdness
This probably isn’t a revelation to anybody else, but I was a bit surprised this week when I realized the extent of my own weirdness. Read more

The ABC Of Me
Many thanks to Shree over The Heartsongs Blog for nominating me for the Awesome Blog Content award a few weeks ago! Read more

Talking Turkey
No, I’m not referring to “talking turkey” in the sense of discussing business, nor in the sense of a chatty fowl. What I mean is, sometimes I’m a turkey when I’m talking. Read more

Airport Deja Vu
The sun is coming up and I’m sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight. While I sit here with my carry-on baggage tucked close to my feet so no evil person can tamper with it, I’m reflecting on the changes in air travel since I flew for the first time thirty-some years ago. Read more

Hortiporn Addict
I’ve succumbed to my own sordid vices again. I really thought I had overcome them this fall, but I was wrong. One glimpse was all it took. Read more

Love My Beaver!
Well, it’s time for another “proud to be Canadian” blog post. Read more

Flash Fiction: Monkey’s Money
I was in the mood for something different this week, so I went to my favourite place for flash fiction prompts: Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. I chose a random letter and clicked on a random page, and here’s what I got: Read more

I’ve Been Thinking Too Much Lately…
Another Sunday funny. See it

I’m Only An Idiot. Whew.
A while ago, I discovered I’m an idiot. That was a relief. Let me explain… Read more

I’m Such A Fashionista
Another Sunday funny. See it

Movember Moustache Monikers
Hey, guys, it’s Movember! Read more

Real Life Is Stranger Than Fiction
A Sunday funny. See it

Bass Ackwards
The other day I was watching the sunrise in the west when it occurred to me that I do a lot of things ass backwards. Read more

What Was IN That Salad?!?
So, the other night I was gambling in Vegas with James Spader and a couple of Klingon women in 70s-style fun-fur maxi coats. Then things got weird. Read more

What My Library Says
A little while ago, I ran across a link to the website of artist Nina Katchadourian, and I was instantly captivated by her Sorted Books project. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I decided to play, too. Read more

Semi-Defective
Lately my brain has been semi-defective. It works most of the time, but every now and then it shorts out, leaving me standing there wondering what the hell I’d intended to do moments ago. Or I go to do one thing and end up doing something else entirely. Read more

Home Free
I made it! Read more

They Lied. As Usual.
Another Sunday funny. See it

Colour Me Psychotic
Even though I’ve mostly recovered from my ill-fated career as an interior designer, I’m still fascinated with colour. You’ve got to be impressed by the way something that simple can drive people to the brink of psychosis. Read more

It’s All About The Journey…
…not! Another Sunday funny. See it

A Nudie Pic From My Sordid Past
All the major celebrities have nude pictures lurking somewhere in their past. They pretend to be embarrassed about them, but in fact it’s a clever marketing ploy to drum up some sensational news articles and garner more publicity. I figure I could use some publicity, so today I’m going to unveil a nudie pic from my own misguided youth. Read more

Murphy Strikes Again
Another Sunday funny. See it

Hair Today…
The other day I was cutting my husband’s hair when a memory made me smile. Since it seems to make him unaccountably nervous when I smile for no apparent reason while wielding sharp objects close to his jugular, I hastened to explain. Read more

Now I Feel MUCH Safer.
Another Sunday funny. See it

The Sound Of Dementia
I really hope it’s not dementia, but my rate of misreads has increased considerably since I found the kiss-ass typo back in April. Read more

‘Scuse My Bear Behind
Gardening season has been exciting this year. I had a feeling my impromptu pole dance in the spring would lead to a stellar career, and I was right. This week found me head-down-ass-up in a tunnel of pea vines, belting out Broadway tunes at the top of my lungs. Read more

A Balanced Diet…
A Sunday funny. See it

Fly Diapers. God, I’m Old.
Monday afternoon I was contemplating diapers for house flies, and that’s when I realized I’m getting old. It’s complicated. Let me explain: Read more

I Sing Like A Bird
A Sunday funny. See it

Compatibility Is Overrated
Over the past decade or so, it has become apparent that my husband and I are completely incompatible. Read more

Not A Cartoonist. Obviously.
…but I’ve been having fun drawing cartoons lately anyway. Read more

Is There A 12-Step Program For That?
My name is Diane, and I’m here to confess my addiction. No, not my addiction to tools. This is a different addiction altogether. Read more

Happiness Is A Warm Gun
I’m worried… Read more

I’m Amused
In the vagaries of the English language, I’m “amused”. I’m also amused by the vagaries of the English language, but that’s not actually what I mean. Read more

I’m Not A Cunning Linguist
By now you’re probably all familiar with my tendency to misread words. But if you’re relatively new to my blog, you may not have read about the fact that I also tend to misspeak – often with embarrassing results. Read more

Alien Butt Sensors
They’re invisible, but I know they’re there. I’m not sure how or when they were installed, but there are hidden pressure sensors under every toilet seat in the house, as well as on my office chair. It’s the only possible explanation. Read more

Calgary Flood 2013
Well, it’s been an interesting week. In case you haven’t heard, Calgary and most of southern Alberta suffered a major flood. For those who got in touch to check up on us, thank you for your concern. Read more

I’ll Tell You What’s Normal…
I spend my days skating on the edge of normalcy. So far I’ve been able to avoid unwelcome attention, but that’s due more to good luck than good management. I can get away with my quirks as long as I live in a nice neighbourhood and shower frequently, but put me on a park bench after a hard workout, and somebody’s gonna call the loony-catchers. Read more

The Happy Hoer
As I mentioned a couple of years ago, I’m a hoer. Very few people are willing to discuss this lifestyle openly and fewer still can comprehend enjoying it, but as you probably know by now, I’m a freak. I love being a hoer. Read more

We’re All Free! And Naked!
Peer pressure is a terrible thing. I’ve been successfully resisting it for months, but my resolve has slowly eroded under the relentless burden of my readers’ expectations. So here it is; the post you’ve (apparently) all been waiting for: “We’re All Free! And Naked!”

Don’t look at me like that. Hell, I don’t know what I’m talking about, either. Read more

This Poop Requires Cultured Decoding
Yes, it’s that time again! I’ve mined the rich vein of entertainment that is my blog spam. Read more

Play Nicely, Kids… Please.
I’m climbing up on my soapbox today, so if you’re looking for funnies you’ll probably want to skip back to Sometimes Words Fail Me. I’ll return to my regularly scheduled silliness on the 29th.

I just finished reading a blogger’s vitriolic review of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight. I don’t know Ms. Meyer and I’m not a Twilight fan, but… Read more

Sometimes Words Fail Me
 …and then I draw stick people. Read more

In Praise Of Piss
I’m a connoisseur of rude and vulgar language. I collect it, use it frequently, and occasionally dust off some of my truly one-of-a-kind pieces to lovingly share with the world. Read more

Feeling Crabby?
Six months ago one of my blogging buddies, Carrie Rubin, wrote a post about gross things she’s found in her food. But after commenting with a list of the various disgusting things I’ve discovered on my plate, it occurred to me that perhaps I’d shared too much. Which got me thinking about other instances of inappropriate sharing I’ve witnessed over the years. Read more

Crack Popcorn
As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been married to my husband for too long. He knows all my weak spots. Read more

Rorschach Poster Child
I’ve mentioned several times that I tend to misread text. I’ve speculated that it may be some latent form of dyslexia, or maybe just a combination of carelessness and a twisted mind. After what I just saw on Facebook, though, I’m leaning toward the probability of a terminally twisted mind. Read more

Suitably Embarrassed
A while ago Carrie Rubin posted “My Closet Has Skeletons – Literally”, in which she offered blog awards to those brave enough to post photos of their own closet-cleanout detritus.

I can’t resist the opportunity to accumulate blogging awards and public humiliation simultaneously, so here goes… Read more

Boot To The Head
I have an embarrassing confession to make. But first, a bit of background information: Read more

Covering My Ass
I expend a great deal of effort just trying to cover my ass. Read more

Just Like A Normal Person
This has been a seriously weird week for me. For the first time in three years, I don’t have anything to write. Read more

I Don’t Get No Respect
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve been feeling under-respected lately. And the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s not just a recent thing. Read more

MWF Seeking Woman With Gun
This week I’m working on the cover art for the sixth book of my series, and I’m wading through images that range from OMG to WTF and everything in between. Read more

Stand Back: Brain Farts!
My brain has apparently been eating ‘way too many beans lately. The brain farts are getting embarrassing. Read more

I’m Losing It
Motorcycle season is still a few months away, but I think it might be time to get out my boots and leathers anyway. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been referred to as “dear”, “little”, and “girl”. I’m in serious danger of losing my badass self-image. Read more

Flash (Non)Fiction: Labyrinth
It doesn’t fit my preconception of a labyrinth. Read more

I Like Young Guys
Fortunately, my husband is extremely tolerant and secure. I had just gotten back from an appointment with my young male massage therapist when I announced, “I like young guys!” Read more

We’re All Naked
Ever since I had my giggle over the dick pic I found on the internet a few weeks ago, I’ve been thinking about nudity. Yeah, welcome to my brain. Sorry about that. Read more

Not Dressed Up And No Place To Go
This week, I did the annual dusting of my dress-up clothes. Read more

I Love A Guy With A Big Deck
As you may know, I’m a toolaholic. Most men are eager to show me their tools, and in fact, they frequently invite me to play with their tools whenever I want. Read more

And Then It Got Ugly
I used to be able to count on spammers to tell me what a marvelous writer I am. Every day I’d get dozens of compliments about my wonderful colour schemes, my mastery of writing, and my expertise in the subject area. To the spammers, I was a demigod. In fact, I was so good I even got compliments from beyond the grave: Read more

Sometimes I Wonder…
According to Science Illustrated, “Letting the mind wonder fosters creativity”. Maybe, but letting my mind wonder fosters thoughts that range from daft to disturbing. Read more

Ho-Ho-Hum
Christmas is over, and I’ve completed my annual pilgrimage to the mall. Read more

End Of The World
Well, dang. I’m still here. Guess I’ll have to pay those Christmas bills after all. Read more

Blood Pressure And ShrinkyDinks
Every now and then I see things that tickle my funnybone. Here are a few of the latest winners: Read more

It’s Complicated…
Last week, I couldn’t decide what to eat for lunch until I looked at the weather forecast. It wasn’t even as simple as needing to know what the current weather conditions were. No, I needed a forecast. Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #4
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the last of the Questions of Doom series.

QOD #4: Do you like this casserole? Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #3
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the third instalment of the Questions of Doom series.

Ah, you guys thought you were getting the hang of QODs, didn’t you? I’ve got news for you: we’ve only been dealing with easy yes-or-no QODs until now. Let’s try a tougher one: the multiple-choice QOD.

QOD #3:  What do you want for dinner?  Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions of Doom: #2
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. This is the second instalment of the Questions of Doom series.

QOD #2: Did you just buy yourself a new fill-in-the-blank (FITB)? *Scowls, hands on hips* Read more

Sorry I’m A Douche
Earlier this week I was pretty pumped about helping with the Movember campaign. Now I just feel sick. Read more

Bro Bulletin – Questions Of Doom: #1
For the month of Movember, I’m supporting my Mo’ Bros by offering a few helpful insights into the female mind. Welcome to the Questions of Doom series.

QOD #1: Does this dress make me look fat? Read more

Bro Bulletin: Mo’ Advice For Movember
WARNING:  EXPLICIT CONTENT (but only if you have a dirty mind to start with)

Tomorrow is the start of Movember!  Guys, this is a great time to do two things: Read more

Boom. Splat.
That’s the sound of my brain exploding. Read more

Don’t Even Think Of Snatching My Ass
In a previous post, I speculated that my tendency to misread words and phrases might be merely a matter of needing reading glasses. I was wrong. Read more

Thanks, Technology… I Think…
Fortunately, it was Thanksgiving here in Canada this past weekend. If I hadn’t been reminded of how thankful I am for all the good things in my life, I’d be seriously cranky. Read more

Creepy Stalker Here
As I’ve mentioned here and here, there’s convincing evidence that I’m a sociopath.  But a few days ago, an unsettling thought bobbed to the scummy surface of the cesspit that is my mind:  Maybe I’m also a creepy stalker. Read more

Fifty Shades Of Leverage
My fifth book, How Spy I Am, is finally out (phew), so of course I immediately thought of Fifty Shades of Grey. Read more

A Redhead Walks Into A Tranny Shop…
I hope that’s not the start of a joke. Read more

I Can Type With A Banana In My Hand
That isn’t a euphemism, though it might be fun if it was. In case you’re wondering, I can also type with a banana in my mouth, and you can just get your mind out of the gutter right now. Read more

Thinking About Drinking

It’s autumn, and I need a drink. Read more

Letting It All Hang Out

The worst things in life sneak up on you from behind. Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time, there was no spandex. Read more

Flash (Non)Fiction: It’s All About Trust

When I rang the doorbell of the upscale house wearing my faded jeans and waist pouch, it occurred to me that most lawyers probably expect their business clients to be dressed up.

Well, tough. I’d had a busy day with no time to change my clothes. He’d just have to deal with it. Read more

The Joy Of Mediocrity

As usual, I was dazzled by the Olympics. So this may sound strange, but I’ve been thinking about the joys of mediocrity lately. Read more

Heeere, Mr. Gopher…

Warning:  This article contains graphic descriptions from an active zone of conflict.  It may be disturbing for sensitive readers.

Tensions were high as hostilities escalated this week in the West Garden.  In the past two weeks of conflict, dozens of innocent carrots and potatoes have lost their lives.  This week the death of two promising young head lettuce plants caused me to declare a jihad against pocket gophers. Read more

Optimism Or Idiocy?
This week, I’m diving into uncharted waters – again. It seems for every new situation that arises in my business or personal life, I acquire another three skills I never wanted to have. But does that make me say, “Oh, wait, I don’t know how to do that; maybe I should get some help”?

Oh, hell, no. Read more

Driving Ms. Crazy
Some days, even the simplest things get ‘way more complicated than they need to be. Read more

I’m Probably A Sociopath: Exhibit B

A couple of weeks ago, I concluded I was probably a sociopath. Just in case more evidence was needed, this photo from my living room provides the confirmation: Read more

Evil Eyes

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my mouth keeps me in trouble. I’d like to pretend it’s only my mouth that’s the problem, but now my eyes are getting into the act, too. Read more

Cheapskate!

I’ve reluctantly come to accept that I’m a cheapskate. Read more

I’m Disturbed

Okay, stop laughing. I realize you already know I’m disturbed. What I meant was: I’m bothered. Alarmed. Perturbed. Ruffled. Unnerved. (Yeah, and addicted to my thesaurus, but that’s a post for another day.) Read more

I’m Probably A Sociopath: Exhibit A

If there’s an enzyme that regulates concern for how one is perceived by the general public, my levels are dangerously low. Add that to my tendency to choose a logical (to me) solution despite the hair-pulling, eye-bulging frustration of my companions, and I’m pretty sure I’m a sociopath. Read more

At Least I’m Edible

This post is not for the soft of heart nor the delicate of spirit.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I can barely remember the time before my confinement, before this eternity of solitary darkness. Read more

…You Know; The “Thing”…
Ever notice how inanimate objects tend to acquire names? For me, it all started with Fred. Read more

Coitus Interruptus
It’s driving me crazy. I’ve been trying for months, and I get interrupted partway through every time. I’m so frustrated because I just can’t finishRead more

I. AM. CANADIAN!
It’s interesting to be Canadian. As a nation, we’re generally regarded as the polite, low-key, boring neighbours of the superpower south of us. We tend to define ourselves by what we’re not, instead of by what we are, and we may get quite impassioned about the whole thing. Especially if beer is involved. Read more

Beer And Jiggs On “Da Rock”
I thoroughly enjoyed spending last week in St. John’s, Newfoundland. It was my first visit to “Da Rock”, but I knew enough to be prepared for some idiosyncrasies. Here are a few things the travel brochures don’t tell you. Read more

Beautiful, Sunshiny, Versatile… And Lazy
Several of my readers have been kind enough to nominate me for the Versatile Blogger award in the past few months. Many thanks to my blogging buddies… Read more

Oh, Balls!
The other day a conversation with a female friend turned into a roundabout discussion that began with fruit, took a rapid detour to testicles, and ended with dirty limericks. I can’t name the friend without potentially embarrassing the innocent man whose mangoes we were discussing, but the guilty party knows who she is. I’m pretty sure I can still hear her giggling. Read more

I’ve Been Married Too Long
That’s it.  My husband knows me too well.  Either I’ll have to develop an entirely new personality, or give him a good sharp rap on the head with one of our many hammers so he forgets a few of my fundamental traits. Read more

Soup Nose: ‘S Not Funny
There are a quite a few disorders with evocative names like tennis elbow, tailor’s bunion, and vibration white finger. Though it sounds like it should fit it this category, I’m not including plumber’s butt in the list because the person afflicted with it is completely oblivious while the innocent bystanders suffer. And I’m not going to make a crack about that. (Yeah, okay, I couldn’t help it.)

Recently, though, I discovered another less serious but equally irritating affliction: soup nose. Read more

Cruisin’
On Monday, I thoroughly enjoyed an experience most people would appreciate just about as much as a root canal without anaesthetic. I drove 800 miles across the Canadian prairies in 12 hours, stopping at hours 5 and 10 to fill the car’s tank and empty mine. I’ve been making that trip pretty frequently lately, but I’m still not tired of it. Read more

The Great Motorcycle Debate
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)
Spring is finally around the corner, and a middle-aged woman’s fancy turns lightly to thoughts of… motorcycles. In honour of the season, I pose you the following question: cruiser or crotch-rocket? Read more

If You’re Reading This, I’m Not Dead
Some time ago, I read an article on good blogging practices. It said you should designate a proxy blogger so someone could shut down your blog in case you died. It even suggested you should write a post and save it so your proxy could communicate your final message to your readers.

I’m sorry to say I didn’t treat this advice with due reverence. Read more

Why Do I Do It…?
I cling to the delusion that I’m a relatively intelligent human being. Read more

More Yummy Spam
My friends the spammers have been kind enough to donate the content for today’s post. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I actually harbour a sneaking fondness for spam, as long as it’s fried up nice and crispy with cracker crumbs and/or neatly contained inside my spam filters.

Here’s what my blog has attracted lately: Read more

Let Me Rephrase That
My mouth keeps me in trouble. As I mentioned in an earlier post, sometimes words fail to come out in any kind of useful or intelligible manner.

Other times, words come out of my mouth with mortifying clarity. Read more

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night…
Well, not really. It was dark, but it was calm. Unlike me. I was scared shitless. I wouldn’t admit it, but I was pumping adrenaline and wondering if we were all going to live through this. Read more

I’m Not An Idiot. Really.
93% of people who drive believe they’re better-than-average drivers.

Anybody else see the math problem here? Read more

Toolaholics Anonymous
*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)

Hello, my name is Diane, and I’m a toolaholic. Read more

Food Fetishes
The dictionary tells me a fetish can be an object that elicits reverence and devotion, or an object that causes an erotic response. For me, food falls neatly into both categories. Sometimes I love food. Sometimes I looooove food. (Not literally. Don’t worry, it’s still safe to eat the cucumbers at my house.) Read more

Sometimes I Speak Swahili
Sometimes I speak Swahili. It’s the only possible explanation. Except for the fact that people who speak Swahili can’t understand me, either. So maybe sometimes I speak a heretofore-unknown but terribly clever secret language. Read more

Show Me Your Tool
I was struck by an epiphany the other day. And yes, it left a nasty mark; thanks for asking. I won’t offer to show you the mark, but the gist of the epiphany was this: If you’re considering a serious relationship with a man, ask to see his tool first. Read more

I Dream Of Dillweed
Or maybe that’s “dickweed”. Let me explain. Read more

Happy New Y… Wait, Where Are My Clothes?
It’s a sad fact that I’m long past the age when that question should be on my lips. It’s also a sad fact that I asked myself that very question this New Year’s Eve. Read more

Why Orange Plastic Palm Trees?
Okay, I just have to say it. What is it with brightly coloured plastic palm trees? Read more

Cooking With Spam
I have a sneaking sympathy for the manufacturers of SPAM, that “is-it-really-meat” product my mother usually fried with a crunchy coating of cracker crumbs. It must be tough on their self-image to be associated with worthless, annoying email. Maybe that’s why I keep an open mind to the humorous potential of the spam I get on this blog. Read more

Making Up Is Hard To Blue
Ah, the festive season. A time when most women look forward to getting dolled up with glamorous makeup and swanky little cocktail dresses. (I said swanky, not skanky. Don’t put words in my mouth.) Read more

A Dave By Any Other Name

I’ve been called a lot of different names in my lifetime, sometimes by people sincerely trying to get my name right; other times not so much. Like a dog, I focus on the intonation, not the actual words. “Sweetheart” can sound really hostile, and “Hey, Buttbrain” can warm my heart.

Not that anybody’s ever called me Buttbrain. This week. Read more

Barbie, Celebrity Affairs, And Altering Reality
Every now and then, my mind wanders. All right, fine, my mind wanders quite a bit. But sometimes it wanders farther afield than usual, into the realm of the truly ridiculous. Read more

Gettin’ Down At A Piss-Up

This weekend, we attended the Grape Escape, a showcase of food, wine, and liquor. As usual, there was a mind-boggling and delicious array of food and booze. As usual, we poured ourselves into a cab afterward and managed to maintain a semi-vertical orientation while we staggered into our house. Read more

Brainless

I just got back from two weeks in Manitoba. I have 682 unread emails, and there’s a stack of as-yet-unidentified but vaguely frightening papers and envelopes in my “In” tray. It’s Wednesday morning, time for a blog post. I’m brainless. Read more

More Beaver!

A couple of weeks ago, one of our senators caused a kerfuffle when she took verbal potshots at our national animal, the beaver. Calling it a “dentally defective rat” and a “toothy tyrant”, she suggested that we should change our national animal to the “noble” and much more photogenic polar bear. Righteous indignation and off-colour jokes abounded. Read more

Ooooo, Scary!

Since Halloween was this week, “scary” has been on my mind. It was definitely on my mind when I looked in the mirror this morning, but that’s another story. Read more

PANIC!! …Nah.

It’s funny how the bloggers I follow seem to read each other’s minds. This past week, there have been all kinds of posts about stress, panic, and overwhelm. So what the hell, I’ll get in on it, too. Read more

Delusions Of Competence

When I was a kid, I was an obnoxious little know-it-all. This probably explains why I was slightly less popular than herpes. Read more

Neanderthal Behaviour

My husband thinks I’m a Neanderthal. I’m pretty sure he’s right. Read more

A Scholarly Treatise On The Care And Feeding Of Your Pet Author

Authors can be lovable and agreeable family pets. Most are easily housebroken, though some may exhibit a disturbing tendency to piddle while absorbed in a particularly difficult bit of plotting or worldbuilding. Read more

I Feel So… Versatile

Many thanks to Nancy over at notquiteold for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger award!

As she points out in this post, when you do the math, it becomes apparent that within a very few iterations of this award, theoretically everybody in the blogosphere could receive this award. Twice. Read more

It Ain’t A Meal If Nothing Died
This post over at gapingwhole got me thinking about vegetarianism and other ethics-based eating habits. I try to live and eat with as little environmental impact as possible, but, while I have the utmost respect for those people who choose not to eat meat, I’m a dedicated carnivore. Read more

I’m A Hoer
I admit it. I’m a hoer. Now that the weather is beginning to cool off, I’ll soon pack it in for the winter, because it’s pretty much a fair-weather pastime for me. But most nice warm days in the summer, you can find me by the side of the road, waving at all the passing cars. Read more

Totally Freakin’ Inadequate
I’m still on the road this week, and maybe my bad hotel karma has finally run its course, because my hotel in Regina didn’t feature hookers, cattle, or rappelling nudists. Read more

Manitoba Chinese At The Paris
I’m posting this from Regina, Saskatchewan, partway through another 14-hour drive from Calgary to Manitoba. Being on the road again has made me think of the Paris Café in Gladstone, Manitoba. Read more

Toilet Trepidation: Number Two
Warning: If you have a weak stomach, don’t read this. Come back next week instead. I promise not to tell any gross stories then.

Last week, I mentioned a few reasons for my troubled relationship with toilets. I have more. Read more

Toilet Trepidation: Number One
Warning: This is a post about toilets and related, um, issues. If you’re easily grossed out, stop reading now.

I have an uneasy relationship with toilets. I suspect I’m alone in this. Read more

Confessions Of An Undercounter Lurker

I’m an ice cream addict, and my nephew recently offered to let me hide under the Dairy Queen counter so he could feed me any treats he’d made wrong. Little did he know that lurking under counters is not a new activity for me. Read more

I Look Great… Ouch!

Last week, an acquaintance told me, “You look ten years younger now than when I first met you!”  I basked in the glorious glow of the compliment until I realized that:
■This meant I looked like shit three years ago; and
■She didn’t mention how old I actually look now. Read more

I’m Canadian, I Swear

*F-BOMB ALERT* – CONTAINS (more) COARSE LANGUAGE (than usual)

Think I’ll get that printed on a T-shirt, along with a maple leaf. Read more

SpongeToffee GuiltyPants

I feel irrational guilt when dealing with authority figures. I blame sponge toffee. Read more

Ride A Cowboy!

The Stampede is on in Calgary this week, so the medical clinics are bracing for the annual surge in syphilis cases. No, I’m not making this up. Read more

Camping’s Out

The long weekend is over, and I’m sitting at my desk, scratching the mosquito bites on my butt. Read more

Evil Pizza

The other day, my husband came to the table with some startling news: research has shown that potato chips are the world’s most fattening food. Read more

Oh, Shift!

A few years ago, Dave (one of my trainers) was writing a workbook. He proof-read it and passed it over to me. I proof-read it. Then I got thirty copies printed up and delivered them to him the night before the class. Read more

That Ain’t Funny

I recently followed a link on one of the blogs I read regularly. The blogger is normally a very funny guy. The link was to a site containing an extensive catalogue of sex acts (which was clearly stated in his post – no surprises there). I’m hoping the site was meant to be funny. Read more

Highway Child(ishness)

Before you read any further, I’d like to note that my travelling companions are (usually) mature and admirable people. Please don’t judge them harshly. You’d be a basket case, too, if you had to spend fourteen hours in a car with me. Read more

Better Left Unanalyzed

I’ve just been reading a fascinating dialogue between Charles Gulotta at Mostly Bright Ideas (Better Left Unsaid, Part 1), and Priya at Partial View (Better Left Unsaid, Part 2). Read more

Flash Fiction: “IgNobel Prize”

“We’re really putting our asses on the line.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Martin snapped. “It’s worth it. Pass me that pipette.” Read more

Doin’ It On A Dare

This may reflect badly on the sexual preferences of my ancestors, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got donkey DNA in me somewhere. Read more

Flash Fiction: “Salvation In The Bottle”

“Aagh, darlin’, help me up. I’ve a devil’s own headache.” Read more

It’s… Alive!

According to scientists, life is nothing more than zillions of electrical impulses zapping through a lump of meat. Plants show measurable electrical activity, too. This makes me wonder. Read more

Die-Hard Bob Seger Fan

This past week, I was in Toronto to see Bob Seger in concert. For me, Bob Seger has always been (and probably will always be) the complete package. The music, the lyrics, the voice – nobody else quite measures up. Read more

Possum Panini

The other day in our staff meeting, we started talking about roadkill. Don’t ask why. Let’s just say that our staff meetings are rarely predictable. The conversation devolved, not only to roadkill, but to the eating thereof. Read more

Tip: Using Highlights For Editing

When I’m writing in MS Word, I use highlights to mark places where my document needs work. Read more

Hangin’ in the Men’s WC

Let me tell you about my experiences lurking in men’s washrooms. Carrying a measuring tape. Read more

Flash Fiction: “That Man”

“Mummy, Mummy, look at that man!” Read more

Flash Fiction: “Freedom, Too”

She gazes up at the giant, dripping trees and draws in a deep breath of pure joy and spicy forest scent. Read more

Too Girly For Comfort

Roni Loren just posted “Battling the Romance Novel Stigma”. It made me uncomfortable. Read more

99 Cent Train Wreck

I’ve seen a lot of discussion on blogs lately about the idea of selling electronic books for 99 cents. This is like watching a trainload of people hurtling towards the proverbial busted trestle sagging into the proverbial canyon. Read more

Tip: Readability Statistics

Microsoft Word calculates readability statistics based on the length and complexity of the sentences and words you use in your document. Read more

Flash Fiction: “Freedom”

He spotted her about twenty miles west of Winnipeg. She turned and stuck out her thumb as the rig got closer. And smiled. Read more

Bad Hotel Karma

I don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve this, but I have bad hotel karma.  Here are a few of the more memorable examples: Read more

Hello, World

When a computer geek writes his/her very first program, it usually generates the following text: “Hello, World.” Well, I’m a geek.  Go figure. Read more

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