I seem to end up looking like a doofus in public more often than most people. I prefer to think it’s sheer coincidence, and nothing to do with me personally. (Denial: Not just a river in Egypt.) Last month it was my disintegrating shoes. This week I entertained the crowd by juggling a dead fish at the pumps of a PetroCanada gas station.
It could only happen to me:
We had driven down to Victoria, and on the way back we stopped for gas. As I was fuelling up, Hubby’s uncle drove in beside me. That was an unlikely coincidence, since neither of us lives close to that PetroCanada station. Also coincidentally, he was returning from a fishing trip.
“Hey, I’ve got a fish for you,” said he. “Do you want it now?”
Ordinarily I would have declined, since I have no way of carrying a gutted and beheaded fish home in my car without causing grievous harm to upholstery and equanimity. But (another coincidence) I had taken a load of vegetables down to inflict on share with our friends, so I had a large empty cooler with ice packs. I also happened to have a plastic bag, so I could put the fish in the bag and tuck it tidily into the cooler. Easy-peasy, right?
Not even close.
Hubby’s uncle was on his way to the ferry and I didn’t want to delay him, so I hustled his catch-bag over to where Hubby had helpfully opened our cooler. I grabbed my plastic bag with one hand. I grabbed the salmon with the other.
You’d think that very little could go wrong in the few inches between fish and bag; but you’d be oh-so-sadly mistaken. Freshly dead salmon are slippery. I had grabbed it just above the tail, and (being fish-shaped and all) it tapered considerably at that point.
That fish shot out of my grip like it was jet-propelled.
I made a panicked grab for it, which accomplished nothing except to add a tumble to its trajectory. Fish-slime flew in all directions, splattering my shirt, face, and sunglasses. The fish did a belly-flop into our cooler, where it spitefully rubbed its dead self all over the ice packs and the inside of the cooler.
And there I stood in the middle of the PetroCanada station: be-slimed and befuddled, with the empty plastic bag dangling impotently from my hand.
Then came a short ridiculous scene in which I juggled the frictionless fish a couple more times before finally cramming it into the bag. (Don’t ask me why putting the fish in the bag still seemed important, since the cooler and ice packs were already thoroughly slimed. By then I wasn’t thinking straight due to a severe case of the giggles.)
I scuttled into the station to wash my hands and clean my sunglasses, then hurried back to the car and drove away without looking around to see how many people had witnessed the debacle. I didn’t hear anybody laughing; but I wasn’t listening too closely, either.
I did manage to get the salmon filleted and into our freezer without further mishap, and soon we’ll eat the evidence.
But I might not go back to that gas station for a while…
Book 15 update: I’m back in action after last week’s hiatus, and looking forward to a good writing week!
My goodness! Must have been a memorable ride way home. I applaud your dedication to stuff the salmon in the plastic baggie even after it had soiled the cooler. Had I been in your place, I would have dropped it after the first trajectory 😂
LikeLike
That probably would have been the smarter decision. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
If there is one thing I have discovered it’s that when you plan an event/action/fish retrieval too much, reality will not oblige! Now, there is a chance that the gas station camera caught the entire episode and the employees will be laughing out loud for ages. I kind of hope that’s what happened, so giggles spread around the universe. You know, all those experiences you’ve had with animals in your vegetable garden? This salmon had the last laugh as well. 🙂
LikeLike
It really did, which is a heck of a good trick for a fish with no head!
And it’s funny you should mention security cameras — I was thinking of that, too. If I ever see myself juggling a dead fish in a viral video, I’ll know where the footage came from! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Can’t wait for 15!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m having fun with it already! 🙂
LikeLike
Fish are fine if I never see them until they are on my plate
LikeLike
Yes, they’re a lot more attractive that way!
LikeLike
You are not alone. So not alone.
Foodstuffes eschew my plate for my clothing (particularly if they will a) stain or b) I have an important meeting after the meal in question. I have walked into a job interview (my very first) with totally ladder stockings, bloody knees and hands and missing the top button from my shift. Toilet paper trailing from my shoe has also happened. More than once.
And I currently have three black and red toes because a door knob fell on them.
Growing up, at once stage my poor long suffering mother had three out of her four children on crutches simultaneously – after separate mishaps. We were all of very different heights which meant that mix-ups were hilarious. To others.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I gotta ask; how did the job interview turn out…? Inquiring minds, and all that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Amazingly I got it. I think they felt sorry for the klutz who had done a face plant in the middle of the road a block away from the interview…
LikeLiked by 2 people
I also gotta ask, was it worth the hassle?🙃
LikeLiked by 1 person
On balance yes. It was the first job I had (other than babysitting) and gave me some money of my own and some much needed independence. And rather a lot of funny stories…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Excellent! Glad to hear that. Even better that it produced some giggles!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ouch, your poor toes! And your poor family — what a bizarre coincidence to have three of you on crutches at once. If you didn’t have bad luck, you’d have no luck at all.
But at least you got the job. I would have hired you, too. I’d figure that anybody who could tough out a faceplant and still show up for a job interview would be an employee I could count on!
LikeLike
I am laughing our loud. I can totally picture how it would happen and that would have been me as well. I am just coordinated that way. Well it looks like you will get the last laugh when you have Mr Slippery over for dinner sometime soon.
Love the look of the new header BTW.
LikeLike
Thank you! I figured it was time to update that ancient photo. I liked my smile in it, but with all that makeup piled on (not by me — I made the mistake of hiring a makeup ‘artist’ when I was getting ready for that photo) it wasn’t a good representation of how I look 99.9% of the time. This one’s a bit closer to reality!
And I’m LOLing at ‘Mr. Slippery’! I expect to enjoy his company considerably more when we meet at the dinner table. 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hey, speaking of the new photo, you know you look a lot like that hot redhead cover model. You know that, right? Somebody has mentioned it to you, right?
LikeLike
Purely coincidental, I’m sure. My, I seem to have a lot of coincidences in my life… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
She does look gorgeous. Always had a thing for redheads anyhow, but Diane. . . oh, my. I’d dearly love to flirt with her but her husband is or was the Canadian Amature Archer champion. I wouldn’t even hear the shot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep, we used to shoot with Canada’s best archers, and the joke was always, “If you get shot during practice, you KNOW it wasn’t an accident!” 😉
LikeLike
Husbands keep me on the straight and narrow, not that I’d ever get far off it anyhow. We moved to Regina in November 1983 so I did not meet any neighbours on the street until spring. Ella stayed home to raise our kids and half the neighbours’ too, so she met several. I was out cleaning the front yard one warm April day and two doors down was a cute buxom lass in tank top and shorts. It was only my neighbourly duty to introduce myself. I was telling Ella about meeting Bonnie and she said “Did you meet her husband?” No. “His name is Ron Cherkas, he plays for the BC Lions and he FILLS our front door”. (Oh damn.) Great neighbours and good friends. Our kids went to school together.
LikeLike
LOL! Just goes to show that it pays to behave yourself. 😉
LikeLike
A teacher I used to work with could spin a dry erase marker across his knuckles seemingly for hours without mishap. The two times I tried it, I bounced it off a wall, two students, and landed it in the end of the fourth row. I don’t do that anymore.
LikeLike
Ha! But I bet it made your students sit up and take notice!
LikeLiked by 1 person
UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT!! Warning! Warning!! 😜🤪👍
LikeLike
Bahahaha!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Having been trout fishing with my dad numerous times, I know how slippery fish are — and a salmon has a good bit of weight over a brook trout, so I’d multiply that slipperiness by a good big factor . . . gives new meaning to “the one that got away” – lol
I bet you were glad to get home and get cleaned up 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yep, I scrubbed myself and the cooler and ice packs with equal vigour. I needed the cooler again today, and I took a good deep sniff before taking it. There was no ‘eau de poisson’, so I must have gotten it all. 🙂
LikeLike
If you could perfect that (do it every time) – you’d have a great act for when you run away to join the circus …
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s true, but I’m not sure I’d want to be part of any circus that actually employs a fish-juggler. Shades of Groucho Marx… 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Too true. I get nauseous just from the smell in the fresh seafood section of the supermarket. Juggling fish at a circus? Eww…!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s true. Just look at the boomerang fish thrower Lew Zealand from the Muppet show – Kermit never hired him even though Lew was really, really good at throwing fish …
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Muppets were a class act!
LikeLike
Do you still smell of fish???? I’m guessing not so hugs to you.
Only you it seems but we still you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I finally rid my clothes of the fishy smell, but I found a few suspicious spots still lurking on my sunglasses. I guess it’s good to be, um… ‘unique’…? 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Unique is good. Unique is my friend. Enough so to be on a first name basis, in fact. 🤪
LikeLike
Excellent. It would suck to have to constantly sling around ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah. Such formality can get to be a real drag.
LikeLiked by 1 person