I’ve Learned My Lesson

/ Diane Henders

I thought I was so prepared.  Usually I write blog post drafts on Monday, but I finished this one on Sunday evening.  Secure in my (perceived) efficiency, I didn’t look at it again until 9 PM last night.

That’s when I recalled that I’d been drunk when I wrote it.  Oops.

I think it was the novelist Peter de Vries who said, “Write drunk, edit sober”. Clearly he was a more talented drunk than I; or who knows? Maybe he was just messing with us, and he actually spent every ‘morning-after’ rewriting all the crap he’d spewed while under the influence.  That’s what I was doing last night.

I’d like to say it wasn’t my fault; but… it actually was.

We’ve been saving our pennies lately, but Sunday we decided to splurge and go to the pub. I ordered a pint, and when Hubby discovered that they no longer stocked his favourite Smirnoff Ice, I bullied him into trying a different vodka cooler. When the drink arrived, he hated it; but I thought it was yummy.  So we kept it and Hubby ordered a Caesar instead.

So now I had two drinks.

Have I mentioned that I haven’t been out lately?  And I rarely drink at home; so it had been a while since I’d had anything alcoholic.  And I’d forgotten that I’d taken an antihistamine earlier in the day.

By the time we finished our appetizer, I’d polished off my beer and was completely snockered.  After the vodka cooler, my teeth were numb and I couldn’t feel my feet.  I thought this was hilarious, so I rushed home and wrote a blog post about it.

Isn’t it funny how drunks think they’re funny? (Now that I’m sober, I know the correct answer is ‘no’.)

My draft was lame. The whole thing amounted to, “I’m drunk, hee-hee!” Gut-bustingly funny when you’re inebriated; but it probably should have occurred to me that if I couldn’t feel my feet, my brain might be disconnected, too.

So I’ve learned my lesson.  From now on I’ll drink MUCH more frequently so I’m in shape to handle it… um, I mean… I’ll live an exemplary life of sobriety and restraint.

Yeah. Sobriety and restraint. That’s me in a nutshell.

Wait, why is everybody laughing?

*

P.S. Speaking of ‘learning my lesson’: Thank you, everyone, for all your helpful comments and votes on the cover redesign!  Apparently the original covers ain’t broke, so I’d better not fix them.  I may enlarge the title font a bit so it’s more readable in thumbnail sizes, but that’s all… for now… until I second-guess myself again…

42 thoughts on “I’ve Learned My Lesson”

    • Aw, thanks! And this is the very first time I’ve ever laughed at ‘pouring over’. Usually I see it misused in all seriousness, and it drives me absolutely batty.

      And hey, drinking can’t hurt. Even if you don’t write anything, at least you won’t care anymore. 😉

      Hope your muse returns soon!

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  6. Loved the blog…whenever I’ve had a couple of drinks, I think I come up with the best ideas in the world…the good news is I don’t share them with anyone, because later on I think….that really isn’t that great of an idea….duh!!

    Glad to hear about keeping the original covers….

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  7. Your story about drinking and writing made me think of a poem I learned in high school, and can still recite word for word that goes:
    “Starkle, starkle little twink
    Who the hell you are I think?
    I’m not under what you call
    The alco-fluence of inco-hol
    I’m just a little slort on sheep
    I’m not drunk like thinkle peep
    I don’t know who is me yet
    But the drunken I stand here
    The longer I get!”

    I have musician friends who are fond of saying “the more you drink, the better we sound!!” And you know, they aren’t called “beer goggles” for nothing. Just sayin’. But when we do get up to the pacific nw for a vacation, I will be sorely disappointed if you’re not tossing one or two back with me. I simply MUST have a story about Diane to blog about!

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  8. Hey, I’m funny too when I’m drunk. And, extremely sarcastic. I’m glad that your polls and comment sections helped with the reinvention – or not – of your book cover art. Usually, the more people you ask for their opinion, the more different, well, opinions you get. Good info. And, good conclusion!

    When we lived on our sailboat, “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it” was one of the mottos to live by. 🙂 Enough projects already.

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    • That’s true! The list of projects keeps growing, so it’s nice to know I can take that one off my list. And I was pleasantly surprised at the consensus, particularly since art is such a subjective thing. Then again, most of the people I was polling are the same ones who were attracted to my books in the first place; so maybe it’s no surprise that they liked the original covers. But I’m not going to second-guess myself! (Much…) 😉

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  9. I heard in high school back, oh, musta been half a hunnerd years ago in an English Lit class that the, “Write drunk, edit sober,” comment was attributed to Hemingway. I’ve tried it both ways…you know, just in case the blue-haired little old lady who was the teacher got it backwards. And it was, as we high school juniors were apt to point out, that it was English LIT, after all. Heck, half the time the teacher was, or so we strongly suspected. Either that or she used Old Crow for mouthwash. Just sayin’…

    As it turns out,I find that neither methodology is particularly productive, except in the ‘counter’ way, if you see what I mean. Both merely added to my deleted scenes file. Which really doesn’t need any help. Out of curiosity, I just ran the totals. The word count somewhat exceeds a quarter million. Which tells me I probably should pay more attention. Or maybe I should merely pay less for bourbon. Perhaps history will decide. 🙂

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    • LOL! A nice fat ‘deleted scenes’ file isn’t always a bad thing, unless it’s of the ‘OMG I can’t believe I actually wrote this drivel’ sort. I like going back through my deleted scenes files every now and then — sometimes I get inspiration. (And if I find any OMG stuff, it’s easy to delete it permanently and destroy the evidence. Whew.)

      I’d thought Hemingway was the source of that quote, too; but Wikipedia tells me it ain’t so. (I’m not sure whether to believe Wikipedia, though.) And as much as I loathed Lit in school, I have a sneaking sympathy for your teacher with the penchant for Old Crow. If I had to teach high school, I’d drink heavily, too. 😉

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  10. First drink makes me a little silly, the second makes me stupid and the third makes me unconscious if I haven’t had anything to eat. If I have, the third makes me throw up. I am a lightweight because I don’t drink much and if I could afford to take it up as a serious hobby that all might change. Maybe I should ask Dr. Google what would happen to me as it is all I can do to put a sentence together when sober. Remember the famous sheik Hassan Ben Sober? His story should be a lesson to all!

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    • What? No, I haven’t heard the story. Do tell!

      And at least folks like you and I will never spend excessive amounts of money on booze. Sometimes it’s good to be a cheap drunk! 😉

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  11. It’s rare that I drink any Liquid Stupid, but it has varying effects here, for better or worse. To my credit, I avoid the cheap rot gut. And beer is a rarity–I would rather crack a bottle of suds for making beer-battered chicken than drink it. If I have something and it hits me, though, the results are fairly consistent:

    1) I talk to myself. A lot. And not all that quietly either. I’ve plotted world domination with the hostas in the backyard, much to all the neighbors’ chagrin.

    2) I can’t feel extremities. Too much booze and the fingers feel a bit flighty. I can’t imagine using a keyboard at that point. Feets DO fail me now! And the lips. Where is that drool running from, anyway??

    3) Vocal skills are altered. Laughing or swearing profusely (which is funny when you’re hammered) is common. So is sylling my slurrables.

    4) Results may vary. Sometimes I’ll get a full-on buzz from it. Other times, nothing more than intense fatigue about an hour after, in which case it’s Liquid Tranquilizer.

    So, thanks for saving your pickled prose for next time. 😁

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    • LOL! You say that as though you think there’ll be a next time. I fully intend to stay sober and restrained forever more. (Assuming that ‘forever more’ is defined as ‘until the next time somebody offers me a beer’.)

      I’m slightly concerned by the fact that even though I drank relatively slowly while eating a very large meal, it still only took two drinks to launch me into the stratosphere of cheerful obliviousness. But I guess being cheap drunk will save me money in the long run. 😉

      And now I’m giggling, imagining you holding forth to the hostas while the neighbours huddle worriedly on the other side of the fence. It’s good to do stuff like that occasionally, just to keep them on their toes…

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      • I find that the drinks don’t really hit me hard unless I have a completely empty stomach. During or after, there isn’t much effect beyond an extended nap afterwards. My better half, on the other hand, is deep into the giggles after just one alcoholic drink, no matter what it is. It’s rare that we’ll get anything when we go out, so we’re cheap(er) drunks who keep it mostly at home, maybe once or twice a month at that. Compared to my teenaged years, I’m a lightweight now. A few too many times at the porcelain altar yelling for Ralph introduced me to the downside of over-indulging.

        The neighbors are safe (they stay indoors and eye me warily from behind the blinds, “911” pre-dialed), but I have to watch it when I’m out working on the cars–I don’t need the 3-year-old next door picking up anything creative that might get repeated. She’s too young for the Tourette’s Auto Club. And I can’t imagine her parents would appreciate a two-minute stream of profanities (half of which they’ve probably never heard of) the next time she takes a tumble off the bike… 😁

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        • “The Tourette’s Auto Club” — bahahahaha!!! I’ve been a member of that club for years; I just didn’t know it. Now I want a T-shirt (or maybe a cool patch to sew on my jacket).

          And yeah, the early years were a whole different story; but I only had a heartfelt conversation with Ralph once in all that time. I was blessed with a lightning-fast metabolism and I never got hangovers, so I spent a lot of money on booze. If only I’d banked it instead, I could be rich right now… 😉

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  12. This is exactly why people drink – it makes us good-looking, super athletic, and incredibly witty! lol (I hardly ever do, but even then it has those effects)

    I’m glad to hear you’re keeping the original covers. I really do feel they stand out in a good way.

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    • Bahahaha! You nailed it. I have an underdeveloped sense of dignity, so I would have shared the original if it had actually been funny. I don’t mind being uncertain about whether people are laughing at me or with me; but I’m thoroughly embarrassed by silent, pitying stares… 😉

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  15. I’ve never been able to write drunk as I tend to pass out after the third drink. sigh.

    Now you could still post what you wrote if you put the disclaimer, “You need a blood alcohol level of 0.06 to read this post.” The only problem with that is many of your less drunk readers will ignore the disclaimer and read it anyway.

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  16. I do that often, think I’ve done something fantastic while under the influence of alcohol or more frequently at the moment pain.

    I found out yesterday I’m deficient in B12, so all the pain now has a cause and a solution and a cure fingers crossed. I just hope I don’t have to go through the pain I had getting here to get back to where I was. Giggles rambling see it’s the pain

    Hugs to all x

    Oh and yey to keeping the covers it’s sets my ocd off then they the author changes the cover coz I feel like I need to collect them again

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    • Wow, lucky the cover redesign died a natural death, then — I’d hate to break your budget! 😉

      It’s awful that you’ve been having so much pain, but I hope B12 is your cure. Fingers crossed that you’ll be pain-free soon!

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    • Thanks, Pat! I thought it was Hemingway, too; but when I looked it up, the internet said the quote actually came from Peter de Vries. But the internet has lied to me before, so who knows? 😉

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